Should i tell estranged parents I'm pregnant?

[Butterfly2689]

I haven't spoken to my parents in about 18 months due to a huge falling out we had, that we never recovered from. I felt they owed me an apology for treating me poorly, however they weren't willing to apologise therefore after telling them what I wanted, and ultimately didn't get, we haven't spoken since.

The thing is, I'm now pregnant with my first child and I'm feeling really conflicted about the whole involving my family thing vs not involving them. The bottom line is...Should I tell them or not?

I think part of me would feel a sense of guilt for not telling them as i know its a big thing and they would be hurt. But on the other hand, they haven't treated me well so do I really owe them the news?

It's a tough one for me as when I grew up, my family were sparse and were always fighting, meaning myself and my siblings free up largely without aunts, uncles and grandparents because there was always some fight going on and we never saw people again. And i dont want that for my kids. But equally I don't want to brush big issues under the carpet or ignore how hurt I am because of guilt of how it could affect others.

I miss my parents but ultimately my mental health is more stable without the disappointment that came with putting up with some of the ways they treated me.

I do speak to my siblings so if I was to tell them, my parents would find out 2nd hand off them and no doubt that would deepen the rift between us.

Has anyone got any advice please?

I can only tell you something my late dm told me once. She was estranged from her mum for very valid reasons. My dm got back in touch with her dm after the birth of my eldest brother. The first grandchild. My mum told me that she never stopped regretting that olive branch and that she wished and wished she had never done it.
No need to rush to a decision just yet. Maybe just wait and see.

My parents weren’t the worst in the world, but they certainly weren’t the best. Looking back now I can see they were pretty toxic.
I had my two DDs young and tried to involve them even though they weren’t that interested. I thought my two deserved grandparents ( none on their dad’s side, they’d died young and he was brought up by a much older sibling) After DH and I divorced my parents became worse towards me —- tbh I think they would have used anything against me. They were so bad they really upset a lovely relative I cared about and they’d never, ever apologise for their awful behaviour. So what was the use of them as grandparents when they were this poisonous?
You're bound to be emotional being pregnant, it’s natural to feel the nesting instinct and hope that our parents( who we should be able to rely on) feel the same but tread carefully. If you do involve them and they ever start to have a negative impact you have every right to go NC.
( and congratulations on your pregnancy 💐)

Firstly, Thank you so much to everyone for your advice and for sharing your own stories and experiences. I hope others who have posted have taken as much from each other as I have. It's great to hear how so many have found peace in difficult circumstances.

I wanted to share my decision and update in the hopes of helping anyone else going through something similar.

A few people have asked me to elaborate on how the fall out came about so I will summarise. For years my mother and I have had a difficult relationship. She wasn't very nice to me as a child and was completely emotionally unavailable as well as very harsh and hurtful in the way she treated me in comparison to my siblings.
She has a habit of treating me like I'm less than other family members and it usually is shown as a lack of consideration as well as she likes to take everything out on me, for reasons unknown. E.g. if she's mad at my sister, she won't tell her but she will be awful to me because she's angry at my sister.
The fight came to a head when my grandma (mum's mum) passed away and my sister was holding up the ash spreading but my mother wanted it done asap. However my mother wasn't willing to tell my sister this so my sister, not realising an issue, kept delaying it as she lives at the other end of the country. I offered to tell my sister that it was upsetting my mum that we weren't doing it soon but my mother refused to allow me to mention it. So it got left until about a year later when my sister finally agreed to come up to spread the ashes. My mother invited me via text and told me the wrong day. When it came to lightat the last minute, she was incredibly rude to me and told me the day has changed because my niece would rather go to a party that day so they moved the day and nobody thought to tell me. When i asked why i hadn't been told she snapped "well you know now".I already had plans which I was willing to cancel, but the flippant attitude and rudeness of my family to expect I drop everything and keep my mouth shut caused me to remind her that my time is as important as other people's and I should have been given some courtesy when they realised they had told me the wrong day. She hung up the phone on me. I then texted to tell her I would support her through this but she can't keep taking things out on me as I'm grieving too. She told me if I felt that way then I'm not welcome at my grandma's ash spreading. So I couldn't attend and that was where this whole thing began. i was very close to my grandma and I'm still so upset she took my chance to say my final goodbyes away from me. She's never apologised since and my father has sided with her on the whole thing, denying she would have said anything of the above to me when I relayed it back to him (so calling me a liar even though he wasn't there).

I did decide to contact them to let them know of my pregnancy in the end. I felt I would be the bigger person by sending a message so I sent them a whatsapp of my scan and some basic details like my due date but they read it and just never responded.

I am hurt but i know I've done everything I could to do the right thing and it's fallen flat. My conscience is clear and that helps but I am sad that it spells the end and of course no grandparents for my baby. It's just something I will have to accept in time. I've since left the family whatsapp group and I have blocked their phone numbers. Like a few people have mentioned, mental health is more important than toxic family relationships.

Thanks again for all your advice, it really gives me food for thought and I hope it does for others in a similar situation too.

:-(

That's awful. It's just that constant message that you're last on the list. Your feelings don't matter and you're only allowed to express theirs. Interesting that when your mother is annoyed with your sister, she doesn't dare express that to your sister, you get the brunt of it. So she can contain her anger. She just unleashes on to you, even when you haven't caused it.

That's really upsetting that they haven't taken this opportunity to re open communication with you.

Perhaps they are all so busy sitting around talking ABOUT YOU and your pregnancy but not to you. My family masters at this. They talk about me often. Never to me though.

Perhaps you will get a response tomorrow but if not, you did the right thing. You let them know. It would have felt like it was a secret otherwise.

If that doesn't warm their frozen hearts, what will.

Do not even go there you’re not speaking for a reason leave them in the past. They’ve made their bed let them lie in it.

This!! It all sounds a bit dramatic and it’s not the actual incident that’s causing you to have No contact, it’s the stubbornness of not getting an apology. Maybe they see the event differently from you and genuinely think YABU asking for an apology.

No. Do not reach out to your parents just yet you have siblings and that will show you your parents intentions once the word spreads in the family.

If something has lead to an 18month fall out clearly there's an issue and as sad as it is there's no point making up just because your preg!

Congratulations 🎊 OP though.

I don't feel years of mean treatment from my mother and always being last on the list constitutes being dramatic.

In terms of the fall out, like I said, it's the straw that broke the camel's back. I had been calling them all week to discuss the details and none of them picked my calls up. Then told me flippantly the plans had changed when I already had plans that day and had to.let others down, which I hate doing. I don't feel it dramatic or unreasonable to expect them to say something like "sorry, we forgot" or similar. Not "well you know now".
If she didn't want to apologise, fine. But banning me from my grandma's ash spreading? That's unforgivable.

It's worth noting she has had ample tome to tell me she thinks I'm the unreasonable one and I would have spoken to get about it. But she's emotionally unavailable therefore won't talk about her feelings.

Thank you :)

My sister has attempted to talk to them about it and she said my mother refused and ended up hanging up the phone on her when my sister said she should make amends and think of her new grandchild. So I think their intentions are clear unfortunately.

She’s a bitch you’re well off without that in your baby’s life congratulations and hope all is going well with pregnancy. Hugs