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Original poster

Pregnant and not sure I want to be with my partner

32 replies

Pregnancyhormones · 08/08/2022 09:49

I'm 36 and 6 months pregnant with my first baby, my partner is a lot older than me and has a 10 year old daughter from a previous relationship.

Things are beginning to annoy me, he comes home from work and literally dumps his clothes on the floor and makes a mess around the house. I work nights and do all the cleaning around the house, ok he does do the cooking now and then but a lot of the time he will just get a take away. He doesn't earn that much money and never saves, I'm the saver out of the 2 of us.

We used to have his daughter every weekend but now she's moved 6 hours away and we haven't seen her for 6 months. When we had her every weekend he would literally spoil her and spends a lot of money on her and expects me to take them out everyday to do an activity as he doesn't drive. I get why he spoilt her as he wanted to give her the best time before she left. I drove am hour away to the beach and we was out all day and I said I was tired and wanted to go home but his daughter didn't want to go home and he dictated we go home when his daughter was ready. When I tried explaining that I'm tired and I have to drive as he can't and it's dangerous to drive when tired he accused me of being awkward and ruining their fun. This is just one example of his behaviour most weekends.
She's coming to stay with us soon and I'm hoping things aren't going to be like they used to, but I think this will be make or break for us.

We need to move as we live in a too flat and our tenancy runs out in November and he's not worried about saving for a deposit as he assumes were just use my savings that I saved before I met my partner and expects me to look for a place to stay.

He is getting worried for when I go on maternity leave as he will have to help pay the bills and everything as I will only be getting statutory maternity pay. Also he was shocked when I told him I was having 6 months off and wanted me to go back to work straight away.

When I said I will be going back to work part time once baby is here he wasn't happy, but he works away a lot during the week and I can't leave the baby with anyone or want to as I work nights.
He wants to be the stay at home dad and I said no as I'll be coming home from a night shift and tidying up his mess as he is old school and believes the woman should clean.

I'm just soo confused and I'm not sure if it's hormones but I feel like leaving him as he doesn't help around the flat or with baby shopping I have gone out and brought a lot and he hasn't even offered to pay for any of the items.

I feel like I would probably be better on my own raising this baby as I feel alone even though I'm in a relationship. He refuses to sleep in the same bed as I have started snoring since pregnancy and I have to beg him to make love to me. I just feel neglected and unloved. Is my thinking unreasonable

OP posts:
TibetanTerrah · 08/08/2022 09:53

'm just soo confused

Actually you're not. You're seeing things very clearly and seeing him for exactly who he is, a cocklodging waste man.

Its good your tenancy ends in November anyway, dump him and he can move somewhere else. Put in a claim with CMS as soon as the baby is born.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/08/2022 09:59

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. He is much older, has sexist and outdated attitudes to women (ie they should clean but he wants to be a stay at home dad), his relationship with his daughter is problematic to say the very least and you're being further treated by him as a sort of maid/servant.

I would firm up plans to leave and raise this child with your surname and as a single parent. He is financially responsible for his child so I would also claim maintenance.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 08/08/2022 10:13

Your feelings of being alone are entirely justified because your contribution to your 'joint' lives and viewpoints are routinely disrespected. His expectations are set entirely from his attitudes and beliefs with no consultation. He is truly awful and I think starting motherhood as you mean to go on will be a lot easier than trying to detach later on with someone so selfish and draining.
I'm really sorry you are doubting yourself as you sound so switched on and your expectations are so fair and reasonable.
Good luck.

ThanksAntsThants · 08/08/2022 10:16

Wow, what was it that made you want to procreate with this dick?

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 08/08/2022 10:54

For gods sake ditch this creep. I'm saying this as a single parent.

Mischance · 08/08/2022 11:02

he is old school and believes the woman should clean. - does he indeed? Do you want a lifetime of this?

Sadly you have picked the wrong man and you need to branch out on your own and make a new life for yourself and the baby.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/08/2022 11:05

I wouldn’t have had a baby with a dinosaur who thinks women are default cleaners. Doomed from the start.

Obviously dump him. Today.

Original poster
Pregnancyhormones · 08/08/2022 12:31

Thanks everyone for being honest and supportive. I thought it was that was having the issues, but can see it's him causing me the issues.

It's difficult though, when our tenancy runs out I can get somewhere as I have a deposit for another place but when I'm on maternity leave I won't be able to afford the rent being on my own. And some private landlords don't like people on benefits, if I leave him I won't be able to go back to work or maybe once a week as my mum might look after the baby. It's just a lot to worry about. I'm not worried about bringing a baby up on my own as would be doing that anyway.

OP posts:
Musttryharder2021 · 08/08/2022 12:53

Did you use him to get pregnant? The whole thing sounds dreadful. It definitely seems like he is using you as a house skivvy.

maranella · 08/08/2022 13:01

Look into what benefits you'd be entitled to as a single parent OP, or post on the 'Lone Parents' board and get some advice. YANBU at all. Your DP sounds lazy, entitled and just a dick really. Why are you having a baby with someone who treats you like you're there to do his and his DD's bidding. He's not 'old school', he's a twat.

Pinkdelight3 · 08/08/2022 13:11

he is old school and believes the woman should clean.

And yet also believes the woman should drive him around and pay the bills. Hmm. Doesn't add up does it? Could it be that he's purely a lazy selfish twat?

passport123 · 08/08/2022 13:13

Why on earth did you get pregnant with this charmer? Can you move back with your parents for a bit?

TibetanTerrah · 08/08/2022 13:51

Did you use him to get pregnant?

Wtf? Confused

Maybeebebe · 08/08/2022 14:30

Mischance · 08/08/2022 11:02

he is old school and believes the woman should clean. - does he indeed? Do you want a lifetime of this?

Sadly you have picked the wrong man and you need to branch out on your own and make a new life for yourself and the baby.

but not old school enough to believe the man goes out to work and provides for the family eh?

funny that

Maybeebebe · 08/08/2022 14:34

Pregnancyhormones · 08/08/2022 12:31

Thanks everyone for being honest and supportive. I thought it was that was having the issues, but can see it's him causing me the issues.

It's difficult though, when our tenancy runs out I can get somewhere as I have a deposit for another place but when I'm on maternity leave I won't be able to afford the rent being on my own. And some private landlords don't like people on benefits, if I leave him I won't be able to go back to work or maybe once a week as my mum might look after the baby. It's just a lot to worry about. I'm not worried about bringing a baby up on my own as would be doing that anyway.

You have a deposit.

He wont be helping with rent, or cleaning or shopping or babysitting his own child - but you will be able to get a place smaller than if he was there with you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/08/2022 14:52

TibetanTerrah · 08/08/2022 13:51

Did you use him to get pregnant?

Wtf? Confused

They’re probably picking up the complete disdain OP has for him, deserved because he’s a lazy, entitled loser. And how now she’s pregnant she wants to leave him.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/08/2022 14:53

Maybeebebe · 08/08/2022 14:30

but not old school enough to believe the man goes out to work and provides for the family eh?

funny that

Show quote history

Or to marry a woman before getting her pregnant.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 08/08/2022 14:58

This isn't AIBU folks. Op is facing her situation and asking for support. She isn't the first person in the world to find that the guy she isn't with isn't all that when a baby is on the way. She's doing the adult thing and considering how to deal with it.

caringcarer · 08/08/2022 15:20

Where to start? Ok OP you are now seeing him for who he is. He is not contributing to your baby together and you seem to be paying all the bills and doing the household chores. Any decent man would be doing his half of house chores and especially when you are pregnant. He should be loving and caring and instead he sounds like a pig. You have to beg him for sex. Unbelievably he also expects you to drive around his dd and entertain her. So many red flags. But don't worry OP because you have seen this before baby is born. Your lease ends in November. In your shoes I would plan to raise baby alone and make him pay child maintenance towards baby upkeep. Let him sort out his dd himself. Don't get dragged into it. Also wanting you to miss the first 6 months of your babies life just to earn money for him. He sounds awful.

Original poster
Pregnancyhormones · 08/08/2022 15:21

No I didn't use him to get pregnant!! What am I actually gaining from getting pregnant by him? I stupidly thought he would change his ways, bit maybe that was me wishful thinking.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pregnancyhormones · 08/08/2022 15:25

I'm seriously thinking about raising this baby on my own without him and not even putting him on the birth certificate, then he has no rights.
As I've seen what's his like with his daughter and I don't want him spoiling my child or turning him or she into a spilt brat.

I can't stay at my mum's as she isn't allowed people to live with her as she lives in a council house. But I know she would be supportive and be there for me if I needed help.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 08/08/2022 15:27

They never change. You’re not the first woman to suffer from wishful thinking but it doesn’t turn out well.

Start making your plan to ditch him.

passport123 · 08/08/2022 15:31

TibetanTerrah · 08/08/2022 13:51

Did you use him to get pregnant?

Wtf? Confused

It's not an unreasonable question at 36......

LastWordsOfALiar · 08/08/2022 15:31

he is old school and believes the woman should clean

Funny he isn't old school enough to want to provide for his family or work hard though isn't it. Even wants to be the SAHP (which I guarantee he wouldn't want after a few weeks when he realises it's hard work).

He just wants the easy life and sees you as his meal ticket.

Why are you willing to do so much for him with little return? Do you feel you owe him something? I think you should leave, and I don't say that lightly. Much better on the child to break early rather than wait until they're old enough to be hurt by the split.

Flowersintheattic57 · 08/08/2022 16:23

If your mum is in sheltered housing there may well be stipulations on who can live with her. If its a council house its very unlikely that you can’t move in while you sort yourself out. Maybe check that out.
Better to make these decisions while you are still pregnant, as after the birth you are fully busy every single minute.