I feel like I’m dying

[Nosleepingclub]

Hi

my husband has left my son and I. I suspect cheating because I found he was deleting messages from other women for over a year.

he never took any interest in our son and made out I was crazy for asking him to spend time with him

hes moved out and literally living his best life. Partying most nights not working as much, drinking, socialising (I think going on dates with his new Mrs) but I’m with our 2 year old, in our home, poor and starting the whole legal process, dumbfounded and literally surrounded by my crumbled life.

I always suspected he didn’t like being a dad since he was born (he wanted our son he had to convince me to have kids) and I feel like it’s confirming it. He asks once a day for pictures of our son. Sees him for a few hours each week. Hasn’t asked if he needs anything though since he’s left.

I feel broken, alone, wondering how it’s got to this and he can just walk away from his family and basically pretend we don’t exist the majority of the time.

I feel like I’m dying. I can’t eat (I’ve lost two stone in a month) I’m constantly anxious and crying or thinking about him with his new woman (he’d never admit he’s cheated, he loves to pretend to everyone that I’m the problem even though he’s hid money from me, all the finances, messaged other women but all I asked from him was the bed there more for our son)

Hi @Nosleepingclub so sorry to hear your h has behaved this way. Talking to others helps, and a counsellor even more so.
Can you confide in a friend?

She's not his 'new Mrs'. I hate this trend of 'my Mrs' to describe a woman a man is not married to. Affair partner is more accurate in this instance.

Hard as it seems you're better off without him. He's now proved what a git he is, and though it won't be easy and you'll need support, you're no longer waiting in vain for him to step up and change because he's a disgraceful loser. Neither is he living his best life. But you can have a better life without him.

And please stop sending pictures. He can't have his cake and eat it as well.

Strikes me that this is the best thing that could have possibly happened to you and, most importantly, your son.

You're, understandably, looking at this completely the wrong way.

This man is an abhorrent awful pathetic man. Thank your lucky stars he has left before he damaged yours and your sons life any further.

Get a claim in for maintenance.

Stop bending to his requests for photos.

And repeat to yourself that you will be far far far happier in the future, even if not now, without this man.

I know you won’t accept hearing this now but you will get through this really tough time. I’ve been where you are now and it was a truly horrible time in my life. I Lost loads of weight like you. But, once the shock wore off and reality of my new situation really sunk in, it drove me to gather myself up and build a new life. I now see it was the best thing that ever happened to me and my son. You won’t think you’re strong enough now but you are. Stop concentrating on him and what he’s doing with who. It will keep you stuck. Do you have family or friends around you? Do you work? Can you get support initially to help with the practical stuff while you get your head around your new situation? And I agree with PP, don’t send him any pictures. He’s taking the piss. It’s not your responsibility to facilitate his relationship with his child.

You must take care of yourself. Take baby steps. Make small simple meals. Get what ever little bit of sleep you can. Slowly it will get easier and you will get your own routine going. Treasure your little one. Believe me, one day you will look back and see that he did you a big favour.

Hi. I have spoken to friends and family who have been amazing but I do feel like I’m holding back. Like I’m on the edge a lot and I don’t say. Every waking thought is me thinking of him, with his woman, in his brand new flat, with all his nice new belongings and my son and I are just non existent

I don’t like it either but apparently it’s all good in his circle of friends to cheat on your wife and abandon your child. I know I shouldn’t care I usually wouldn’t but I’m not myself.

I should mention that he’s urinated on a brand new bed in our house. To spite me I think. The mattress is destroyed. I’ve tried cleaning it to try and sell it but it stinks. It’s like he’s doing whatever he can to hurt me and I don’t know why

I would have thought the same thing but All I want is him. I bit my tongue on everything and did everything for him and excused all his horrible and nasty behaviour (all of which I have on text or people have seen or experienced etc) and he’s left me. Just gone and acting as if our life never happened. I just can’t believe how little he cares about his son. I knew I was right deep down he didn’t but to be proven right is just next level pain.

@Nosleepingclub "All I want is him." - Seriously, you need to explore this with therapy. It beggars belief that you want him when he has done such appalling things that are outside the realms of normal humanity. He has really done a number on you if you want him. Look at this link and learn about trauma bonding. It is not normal or healthy to feel this way.

Stop trying to work out why he has done what he has because you never ever will. How has he urinated on a mattress in your house? have you not changed the locks to keep him out? Do you think your son deserves this at the moment - you completely obsessed with your ex and therefore having no space for him? I am sorry but this sort of behaviour is incredibly selfish and not normal. He has gone. You are an adult and responsible for someone other than yourself and you need to start behaving like one. go to a solicitor. screw him for every penny maintenance that you can. stop sending daily photos and engaging with him like this. sort out proper access arrangements if thats what he wants. at the moment he still has absolutely all the power over you and the "relationship" and you are continuing to facilitate this. Time to pull on your big girl pants and start being the adult in this because he isnt going to be and your son cant be.

Getvyour gp to refercyou to counselling
Rewrite your story
Stop making him the hero of your story who can saVe you by changing
He won't
Every time you think or say "he"

stop

Think me myself I and my ds will ....

You’re an absolutely disgusting human for writing this. I’m literally saying I’m on the edge and you’re saying I’m obsessed with my ex and no space for my child? My son is my world and whilst I’m having horrific feelings inside but I’m out everyday seeing family and family and acting for my son as if nothing of happening. I’ve given my world for my son and don’t mind that, I just wanted my husband to take an interest in him.

I have been (what I realise now) in an abusive relationship for years that has officially ended a month ago. These are VERY normal feelings to have and to act as if they aren’t and blaming ME for them is abhorrent. Pull my big girls pants up?! I’ve been taking care of my son on my own for two years with no money, I’ve had them on whilst this man has cheated behind my back and discarded me as if I’m nothing discarded our life and family. I’m allowed to have feelings. I’m allowed to feel pain but in your world I need to suppress it and move on within a MONTH?!? If that’s your advice to people at their lowest, YOUR the one who needs help. Absolutely Despicable.

I’m going to counselling now. I didn’t realise until 3 solicitors, 1 doctor and a womens aid group told me that I was in a abusive relationship. I thought this was normal. He made me out like I crazy to ask him for help or that I was insane to ask him to spend time with his son. I can see now this isn’t normal but in the thick of it, as he controlled the money, my life, everything, I couldn’t see jt

Even while you’re heart broken, you will need to shift your focus and get some practicalities in place to ensure you and your sons future.
Place the heartbreak aside, and seek legal advice around the financials with a Solicitor. Put a maintenance claim in asap. Has he left papers which detail any bank accounts or pensions etc.
While you are still engaging with him you will not heal, and your mind will go around and around wondering what this prick is up to. Men like this will keep you dangling into infinity just to keep some control even if they don’t want you.
No more photos of your son, I would block him on everything and only engage through email around contact.
He has been financially and emotionally abusive from what I can read, and you will be able to get a non molestation order in place if he continues to come to the home to piss on your belongings.
Speak with Womens Aid, the DV awareness courses they do will help you.
It must be hard to read other posters advice when they are blunt but it’s true, your focus needs to change now to what’s best for you and your son.

Stop sending pictures. He need to man up and look after his child. Do you have the support of your family ? Why is he being allowed to get away with this it should be illegal

I am sorry you are going through this. I have been there - heartbroken, inability to eat, tormenting myself with thoughts of him. Constantly felt sick and scared! when ex-husband had an affair and dumped me I had no idea. Such a shock. I was desperate for a child and with him, gone were my hopes of having a baby.

However it was the BEST thing that happened to me and I am grateful to that OW for taking him away!

It doesn’t feel that way now but he has done you the biggest favour of your life by leaving you. He has set you free.

Stop yourself thinking about him any time you do stop and think of something else. Don’t bother sending pictures of your son. I think your son needs a better dad than someone who urinates on a bed that is just gross. Wont you feel better taking control rather than being controlled? We only have one life don’t allow yours to be run by somebody else. You can do this. Trust me once shock is over it will be easier with just you and your son to worry about.

Do you have anyone that can look after son to give you a break? Do you have any friends or relatives who live out of the area who you could go and visit for a night or two? Can you contact citizens advice to make sure you’re getting all the benefits you are entitled to.

you will get over this. I feel sorry for the poor woman that’s got him now

She's not his 'new Mrs'. I hate this trend of 'my Mrs' to describe a woman a man is not married to. Affair partner is more accurate in this instance

Yes because that’s what’s important here, picking at OP for her language 🤦‍♀️

Understandably you can’t see it now but him leaving was the best for you and your son. Take all the support you can get and remember, he was always this guy and you need to understand and work through why you accepted it. Detach, detach, detach. Ask a friend or relative to facilitate contact with your son because you can’t actively ham in your life right now.

You will get through this because you are strong and deserve so much better that the poor excuse of a human is.

With regards to the mattress, get some enzyme cleaner that is designed to remove pet urine.

He made me out like I crazy to ask him for help or that I was insane to ask him to spend time with his son. I can see now this isn’t normal but in the thick of it, as he controlled the money, my life, everything, I couldn’t see jt

So this is good.
You have opened your eyes to who he is, who he REALLY is.
It's pretty normal you are heartbroken but remember you are grieving for the man you THOUGHT he was, not for the one he actually is. Like any grief, you will go in phases but it WILL fade out with time.
It might be helpful for you to write more about what he has dne, who he has shown he is by his actions so you can remember who he is when you have any doubts about how strong you are, that you are right to expect more etc.... Get angry (It's actually a great thing you are finding your anger reading @mummymeister ) and try to take control of YOUR part. What are you going to do in the next few months. Where will you live, what money do you have, can you start divorce poceedings, what about your ex actually PAYING for his own dc?

I understand that you have contacted WA. That's great! PLease carry on following their advice. See if they can help you find a sollicitor too. You need to see how you can get what is rightly yours (I am thinking house, pensions etc.... and of course CM). All this will help you feel more in control and will help taking away from that brink.

Well, OP's its a pity you cant be this raging with your ex! did you talk to him like this and you call me despicable? Your language and behaviour is over dramatic. You arent dying. you are sad. Seriously you need to get some help and I hope that you find it for the sake of your son.

Oh stop it.

I brought it up because a) it's commonplace now and wrong and b) the OP is giving the other woman kudos which needs to stop.

What on earth has happened in your life that you have such little respect for you and your son OP?