I feel like I’m dying

[Nosleepingclub]

Hi

my husband has left my son and I. I suspect cheating because I found he was deleting messages from other women for over a year.

he never took any interest in our son and made out I was crazy for asking him to spend time with him

hes moved out and literally living his best life. Partying most nights not working as much, drinking, socialising (I think going on dates with his new Mrs) but I’m with our 2 year old, in our home, poor and starting the whole legal process, dumbfounded and literally surrounded by my crumbled life.

I always suspected he didn’t like being a dad since he was born (he wanted our son he had to convince me to have kids) and I feel like it’s confirming it. He asks once a day for pictures of our son. Sees him for a few hours each week. Hasn’t asked if he needs anything though since he’s left.

I feel broken, alone, wondering how it’s got to this and he can just walk away from his family and basically pretend we don’t exist the majority of the time.

I feel like I’m dying. I can’t eat (I’ve lost two stone in a month) I’m constantly anxious and crying or thinking about him with his new woman (he’d never admit he’s cheated, he loves to pretend to everyone that I’m the problem even though he’s hid money from me, all the finances, messaged other women but all I asked from him was the bed there more for our son)

I think that’s quite obvious @Endlesslypatient82 . She has been worn down by an abusive twat.

The OP isn’t the first one and won’t be the last. It takes time to heal from that.
im more concerned you feel the need to ask that question, as if the answer wasn’t obvious tbh. Says a lot about you and your understanding of human psychology as well as how naive you are.

What I worry about is the child in this scenario. And it doesn’t look like it’s going to change for the better

Endlesslypatient82, so do I. But for goodness sake dont criticise the OP. she just wants to hear "there, there, there". Give it 6 months and they will be back together again. Of course people are sad when they split up especially if there is a child. but if you dont want the person back then you start fighting for your child and yourself to get the best possible deal out of a shit situation.

She not get “there there” from me when a child is involved

OP, Find your anger - He has royally fucked you over, and you said yourself you've ignored it, to the point that now you can't
Be angry, and be productive.

I actually wholly agree with @mummymeister , how on earth are you not so deeply deeply angry and filled with hate for someone who would find it acceptable to urinate on mattress, intentionally? STOP sending photos, STOP being the coordinator for him and focus all of the energy on you and your son. You cannot force your Ex to take an interest if he doesn't want to.

Make a list -

Get someone to arrange proper contact
set up an email address regarding contact

REMOVE SOCIAL MEDIA (how else do you know he's out and about etc?)
get the house valued (if you want to move)

become the person you were before him.

Do you work? Can you train in a rewarding career? Often childcare is free at college if you are on benefits

unfortunately they only thing that will help you here is time

also it is good advice to put in a maintenance claim ASAP

I really wouldn’t bother sending this man pictures he literally doesn’t deserve them

insist on a set contact routine

Oh good heavens

i am even more concerned now

This is to answer a few things:

• I have got a solicitor
• I’m sorting UC whilst I find a job
• I’m finding as much paperwork as I can about our bills etc but it’s hard as a lot is online and asking him for passwords may give my intentions away (advised by solicitor)
• I’m organising mediation
• I’ve spoken to womens aid who are helping me tremendously
• I can’t change the locks on the house as he has rights but I’m trying to get that sorted with an occupation order
• i can’t cut contact on phone (I’ve been advised not to) as we have a child and later on down the line if we go to court it may be frowned upon
• I'm playing this as ‘smartly’ as I can but I’m equally fucking devastated at my loss of my life husband and future that I thought I had

i have tried to take back control where I can. I’ve been left in the lurch and I keep getting updates on his location (unsure if he’s doing it on purpose) so I’m looking on changing my number. He’s paying unofficial CM hence why I’m going to mediation to get it agreed to officially and signed off legally by a solicitor.

For those people who have given their own stories and advice I appreciate it.

if you’ve said ‘why do you feel like this after he’s treated you so badly’ - it’s called abuse, narcissism and believing the lies. Just use Google, you may find out this type of thing happens a lot and will always happen - I’m not special I know but I’m heartbroken and shocked. That’s veryyyy normal. I had a moment of weakness and looked for support on mumsnet, which I got, but to the trolls and gross people who clearly don’t understand why I feel this way, grow up.

My son is my world and even though I’ve been mentally beaten these last few weeks, he’s had parties, outings, saw family and friends everyday and not spent one day in the house. I’m a sterling mother and will never have anyone question that, especially trolls on the internet.

Do you feel better posting that? Got it all out your system? Kicking someone while they’re down. Get a life.

I could retrain but I was actually quite high up before I went on maternity so I could take a similar role happily. I just need a bit of confidence and to update my CV.

I feel like if I stop sending photos he’ll say I’m being obtuse. I was going to set up a drop box account so he doesn’t have to message me for them.

thank you though

@Nosleepingclub Be Obtuse :) be a dick, he's allowed to be, so can you.

You can cut phone contact, and set up an email address purely to discuss your DS, that way you are not being obstructive, but also protecting yourself (you also then have written proof of all discussions)

That way you can also change your number and he'd have no idea, but doesn't need to.

Bills, if they are all in his name then just start things off in your own, the gas/elec can be taken over by yourself as a new account, likewise with other services.

If you/your DS have passports take them elsewhere, ask a friend to look after them, same with birth certificate.

You cannot change the locks, but you can bolt the door as you're neighbour has just been broken into and you're taking extra precautions aren't you ;)

Do not respond to the text updates unless it's regarding your son, he knows he has the hold on you and the thing which will piss him off the most - you not being bothered!

I’d have a word about the photos with your solicitor and WA.
asking for photos daily sound excessive to me and a way to be controlling you.

You are doing great @Nosleepingclub .
You will get through. Time is the best healer there. That and counselling to help you heal those wounds.

You could block his number and switch to email only and tell him you will only be checking it once per week. You need some space and distance from him intruding into your life.

You're actually doing really well.

You might need to think about your self-talk (ie about all you want is him; he's toxic and you know that) but you've done all the right practical stuff. He doesn't deserve you and you deserve much better than him.

I bit my tongue on everything and did everything for him and excused all his horrible and nasty behaviour (all of which I have on text or people have seen or experienced etc) and he’s left me.

This really stood out for me OP. It is worth really thinking about this, because at root you are still doing this with the photos and the wanting him etc, and unless you understand this you can end up in more relationships just like this.

The fact is that you did not respect yourself here, and so neither did he respect you either. Doing everything for him like this, putting yourself second, agreeing to let him do what he wants - none of this makes someone like you. It is the opposite. You devalue yourself, and he will agree that you have no value - after all you are clearly wanting to be devalued in his eyes. You put yourself second, and he will also put you second because that is your place. You excuse him, and he becomes completely excusable in his own eyes. And ultimately he will want someone new with more value to him.

This is a dynamic that starts in childhood btw, it isn't your fault at all, but you need to be aware of it, this trying to show love by allowing a partner to get away with what he wants, doing everything for a man and putting yourself last. I would really advise doing The Freedom Programme which can help flag up when this dynamic starts to appear.

i can’t cut contact on phone (I’ve been advised not to) as we have a child and later on down the line if we go to court it may be frowned upon

No it won't.
Invest in co-parenting software (google e.g. My Family Wizard).
It will allow you to message, schedule, & various other benefits.
Set it up, inform your STBexH that you have it, send him the link to the app ... then block him on all other comms.
Court will applaud that, not frown on it.

You then have the relief of not seeing his name pop up randomly on your devices, & can choose to access only when YOU feel up to it.
You also get the benefit of all comms being held securely on a sole platform.

And stop sending daily pics & messages FFS. If your child's father wants pics, he can arrange contact & take his own. For the sake of your own mental health, the less contact you have with STBexH the better.

Have you asked him WHY he pissed on your new mattress?

Prior to cutting him off in favour of the co-parenting software, I'd be very tempted to ask him about it via text.
And see what your lawyer makes of his answer.

I agree with Nosleepingclub I’m afraid, grow a back bone and concentrate on your child, why you’re crying after an abusive prick for? you should be happy he’s gone as it’s oblivious you would have never left him , no matter how abusive he was, and raise your child seeing his dad treating you appallingly.
Do your crying, get up , raise your child and be happy .

Its crazy to see how many people think you need to grow a pair - those have obviously not been in your shoes because it doesn't matter what you go through you still try see the good in said person and never really accept what the reality is of the situation your in! Your doing a great job at putting your son first and focusing on him when inside you feel like you've had your heart ripped out, ide say carry on as you are and let time do it's healing! Stay strong girl!

@pompei8309 perhaps I didn't word my opinion very well that's great that you were able to be so confident and strong! She's doing a good job already tho like she's said she is focusing on her son. Some of us simply aren't as good at getting to grips with things and getting on with it as perhaps you were, and digs don't help. She probably feels crap that she still has feelings for the abusive t*at as it is but we don't all have the willpower as much as you it seems. Well done you for all you've been through and for growing a back bone I just know what I'm personally like and think ide be in the same boat as OP.

@Nosleepingclub I'm also a great believer that it doesn't matter how many people tell you one or the other, you won't believe it til your ready to believe it and you get to grips with your reality. So in all honestly whoever's with or against you doesn't matter, I just saw the post as a cry for help and I wanted to be reassuring that your not on your own, you will grow a back bone and get in with it, but in your own time ! Hope this is a better use of words than the previous! 💪

What a bastard. I feel angry on your behalf, how can men treat women, and their children, so shoddily.
Gather evidence, every shred on finances. His pension, savings, anywhere he might have hidden savings. Get a good lawyer and claim every penny you can. No photos —- you’re not his lacky. He wants photos he takes them when he sees his son.
And be kind to yourself. Have your hair done, or your nails. Look after yourself. He’s done this once, he’ll do it again. Or just hope he catches crabs :)