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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Lost my sex drive completely and I think it's because DP acts like a teenager

29 replies

DysonDynamite · 07/08/2022 12:59

I really don't want to discuss this with my friends, and I wondered if anyone else has this same issue or any advice.

I'm 25, my partner is 28. We have started living together as of 5+ months ago, and day to day we get on great, never stop laughing and no other issues. But I just don't want to have sex with him. His humour is winding me up, baby talking, being in my way when I asked him to get out of it, so for example, if I'm cooking he'll come over and tickle me or stand above me and make a joke and I have to ask continuously for him to move because I just feel overstimulated.

Our sex life used to be amazing. But now I live with him, having to do most of the housework due to our work schedules, picking up after him, having to tell him what to use for his skin (he has skin issues) and recommending him skin products or giving him mine, looking after him, all of these things just makes me feel like I'm his mother, and I see sex as a chore now. I think he is handsome as hell, but I feel like seeing him in this realistic light has shifted things for me. I much prefer to do it solo or miss when I was single.

Now, by no means am I saying he doesn't look after me in some ways or anything like that, but I'm the one that has this issue, not him. I don't know if maybe it's the honeymoon phase has settled down, but I'd really like some help before I drive my relationship into the ground.

OP posts:

IdisagreeMrHochhauser · 07/08/2022 13:02

Why are you driving the relationship into the ground? It sounds like he is. Have you spoken to him about how you feel? Unless he knows he's annoying you, he has no incentive to change his behaviour. If he can't change it then this isn't the relationship for you. You're allowed to trust your instincts.

Original poster

DysonDynamite · 07/08/2022 13:06

IdisagreeMrHochhauser · 07/08/2022 13:02

I feel like I'm becoming so grumpy and moody, and I snap at the very slight thing because I just feel so overworked. I've spoken to him about it before, but then he'll list anytime I've laughed at it and it's not been an issue, or give me the "I'll never do it ever again, sorry" and basically seem very hurt by it, to which I apologise for being rash.

He's told me before about how no sex makes him really unhappy, we're having it 1-2 a week average and most of the time I'm just trying to speed things up so we can get it done and over with. I'm happy with him and the life we have built, it just seems silly to throw it away over this when maybe I should just be more playful (which I am already). I just feel so harsh.

OP posts:

IdisagreeMrHochhauser · 07/08/2022 13:26

You're clearly not happy though. It sounds to me like you're dismissing your valid feelings in favour of not hurting his. Your feelings matter. I think you need to have a serious talk with him and if you don't want to have sex with him you absolutely don't have to just because it makes him unhappy.

It sounds like your self esteem is quite low. You do deserve not to be sacrificing your feelings for someone else. If you keep dismissing how you feel then he will continue to do it too.

bloodyunicorns · 07/08/2022 13:30

Talk to him! Tell him honestly how you feel. He should listen to you.

That's the whole point of living together. To see if you suit. Sounds like you don't.

Mavissel · 07/08/2022 13:37

Being mother to children is great but we need husband and companions not man childs. Manchilds want to be mothered but expect us to be wives.. It's a turn off alright.

Quartz2208 · 07/08/2022 13:38

OP you are in a situation where you are already blaming yourself, having your feelings ignored and doing everything

It wont get better

SparklingLime · 07/08/2022 13:40

No woman should settle for this, but at 25? Just get out. Don’t over think it. Run. 💜

dottiedodah · 07/08/2022 13:40

Are you as well suited as you think? 5 months of a RL living together no DC should be fun ,happy and you should feel like his equal not a Mother figure! He should be sharing chores and cooking .I think you need to have another look at this RL .He sounds irritating and annoying TBH Your Libido goes downhill pretty quick if you dont feel valued

TooBigForMyBoots · 07/08/2022 13:45

Nothing makes my vagina clamp shut quicker than a manchild. I told my Ex repeatedly that I wanted a partnership with an equal. He continued with the childish, helpless, funny fuckwittery. That's why he's an Ex.

Have an honest conversation with your DP @DysonDynamite and be ready to walk away if he doesn't change.

Sexdoesmatter · 07/08/2022 13:49

having to do most of the housework due to our work schedules - oh aye, work schedules...

He's your little boy, not your partner. Of course you don't want to have sex with him.

Don't have a a baby with this manchild

Haffiana · 07/08/2022 13:52

I think you need to listen to your vagina. It is telling you the truth rather than "I'm happy with him and the life we have built" which is not the truth, but just your sense of what you think you should be feeling, and which is confusing you.

It is OK to split up because you do not fancy him any more. It is OK to split up if it isn't working for you any more.

There is nothing attractive to most normal adult women about picking up after their partner or doing his share of the housework. Just because he is OK in certain ways and just because there is no big drama between you doesn't mean that you should settle for this.

FictionalCharacter · 07/08/2022 13:57

He sounds very immature. Baby talk would turn me right off. Some women might find him funny but many wouldn’t. Sounds like you’re incompatible and it would be best to cut your losses now. He can find someone who is willing to look after a manchild and laugh at his childish antics. And don’t blame yourself for not being that someone.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/08/2022 13:57

Why are you continuing to lie to yourself? He is not the man for you. There is no further discussion to be had. Everything you're feeling right now is only going to get worse. FGS, please don't bring a baby into this disaster.

category12 · 07/08/2022 13:58

He should be doing an equal share of housework. You resent him because you're being mugged off and he makes your life harder when he could make it easier. Of course your sex drive is down the drain when he whines about how often he gets it and the rest of the time treats you like his mum.

If you're determined to keep at the relationship, you need to sort out the inequality. If you both work, you both pick up the chores. In the longterm, you have to fix this otherwise you'll end up doing all childcare, all housework, plus probably working fulltime yourself, while he swans around and rubs against you while you're cooking and sulks if you're too exhausted to shag him.

Have a Come to Jesus conversation and reset expectations. He needs to shape up or ship out.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/08/2022 13:59

This is how you feel after just 5 months. This relationship will never go the distance.

Original poster

DysonDynamite · 07/08/2022 14:01

Aquamarine1029 · 07/08/2022 13:57

.. I've never mentioned children. We are not going to have children. Disaster is a bit of a stretch, I never understand comments like these. Thanks everyone else for your lovely comments, I'm taking this on board and appreciate the help!

OP posts:

NerrSnerr · 07/08/2022 14:02

Why can't he do housework because of his worn schedule? How did he manage it before you moved in together?

It should be a good time in your relationship, you should be having fun. If you're not then get out.

CambsAlways · 07/08/2022 14:07

if my Dh spoke to me in a baby way I’m afraid I wouldn’t be laughing, and I have a good sense of humour, too immature for me ,

Sheepreallylikerichteabiscuits · 07/08/2022 14:09

DysonDynamite · 07/08/2022 14:01

Show quote history

Disaster might feel harsh but its because regular posters on here see time and time again relationships like yours get worse and worse after kids come along, which is why you are being told not to have children in this situation.

Its great that you aren't planning on having them with him. Because that swerves that issue.

But the reality is people are right, if its this bad this early on then it is only going to get worse.

He is already showing you that he things his work puts him above shared chores and the mental load. (You have to sort out his skin care, how old is he - 6?!)

All of the stuff he would be perfectly capable of sorting out if you weren't around he has just divested onto you. He is buying his leisure time and brain space with your physical and mental labour. No wonder he has time to joke and mess around.

He doesn't respect your physical boundaries, he doesn't respect your mental boundaries, he doesn't respect your personal boundaries. This one is really not a keeper.

Toss him back and find someone who respects you and is capable of being an adult. They are out there and much easier to find at 25 than 35.

ilyx · 07/08/2022 14:12

I snap at the very slight thing because I just feel so overworked

Aren’t you a childless couple? I don’t understand how you can be that overworked? How would you manage if you have a kid? I’m not saying he shouldn’t do more but from what I see it’s rare for a man to do 50/50 of the chores.

FinallyHere · 07/08/2022 14:17

having to do most of the housework due to our work schedules, picking up after him, having to tell him what to use for his skin (he has skin issues) and recommending him skin products or giving him mine, looking after him, all of these things just makes me feel like I'm his mother, and I see sex as a chore now.

The most important thing I can tell you is, absolutely, not all men are like that. Be glad you found him out before you had DC together. Throw him overboard. Find someone who is a delight to live with, who it lifts your heart to wake up next to everyone.

Handsome is as handsome does. Get someone who you miss when he has to go away. And who doesn't think that because you have a vagina you are somehow expected to provide services for me.

That vagina of yours knows this is true and is trying to get you to see it. Listen

Sheepreallylikerichteabiscuits · 07/08/2022 14:19

ilyx · 07/08/2022 14:12

I snap at the very slight thing because I just feel so overworked

I am part of a childless couple and I'm damned if I am doing more than 50/50 of the chores children or not.

Demand better from men, refuse to accept less. The presence of a penis does not mean doing less than 50% should be rare.

Dery · 07/08/2022 14:19

OP - lots of wise advice here. Your feelings are very valid. I wouldn’t want sex in these circumstances either.

Just picking up your “end of honeymoon period” point. This is not what the end of the honeymoon period feels like. In a good relationship, what follows the honeymoon period is simply something calmer, deeper and very solid feeling where you still take great pleasure in being with each other. It’s just that the initial excitement and inability to think about anyone or anything else have worn off - it feels steadier and more realistic. You might notice one or two habits that mildly irritate you but overall your relationship should still be a source of joy, satisfaction and pleasure to you. That’s not at all what you’re describing here.

Dery · 07/08/2022 14:21

And chores should be split equally. You don’t have children so the chores should not demand that much time from either of you.

KettrickenSmiled · 07/08/2022 14:51

but I'm the one that has this issue, not him

Why are you blaming yourself for the fact that he is expecting you to be his mother?
It's HIS issue that he does no housework, invades your space & has to be told repeatedly to stop suffocating you. It's him talking in a baby voice, not you.

It's also not you sulking about sex so that the other party feels compelled to have sex they do not want in order to prevent the sulking.
He's told me before about how no sex makes him really unhappy, we're having it 1-2 a week average and most of the time I'm just trying to speed things up so we can get it done and over with.

OP - you don't have issues.
You've just discovered you don't enjoy living with your b/f. That's absolutely fine - it doesn't mean you have "issues", & it does not make YOU at fault.

All you need do now is decide whether you want to retain the relationship, living separately again - or break up completely.

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