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Original poster

Is suggesting an open relationship a bad idea?

44 replies

Openrelationship · 06/08/2022 22:48

TL:DR - Husband no longer finds me sexy, love him but need to feel desired- should I suggest an open relationship?

I’ve been with my partner 10 years and we have 2 young kids. He’s a good guy, an excellent father and a great friend.

However, since I’ve had kids I’ve realised he doesn’t find me sexually attractive. I miss feeling desired and wanted, I need some fun back in my life and the feeling of being wanted. I’m not bad looking, I’m a size 10 so not as big as he clearly thinks I am but have gained considerable weight since kids. He is still just as handsome as when we met, probably more so and has always been attracted to skinny women, which I was when we met. I don’t expect him to fancy me, we all have different tastes and I don’t look the same As when we met and I never will, I’ve accepted that. But what I can’t accept is never feeling attractive to someone else again.

I have thought about leaving, I’ve suggested it a few times but he truly doesn’t want that, neither of us want to do that to the kids and neither of us can afford to live without the other. We’re financially trapped together.

Our relationship isn’t miserable, so we’re not doing the kids a disservice by staying together despite these issues but I just can’t keep going like this. I feel my self esteem leaving piece by piece as time goes on.

So I’m thinking the best thing is to ‘date’ essentially, get out there and meet other men, but still come back to him. And he can do the same. Basically suggest to him that we have an open relationship.This way we keep our loving family unit, but I also get an opportunity to feel desired and sexy. He can do the same and look for a FWB that fits his desires.

Is this a terrible idea?

OP posts:
Milkand2sugarsplease · 06/08/2022 23:12

If both of you would be happy with that scenario then give it a try.
I know I wouldn't be able to do it so it wouldn't even be an option for me but if you think you could each live contentedly with the other one going out with other people, then it's worth a shot. Make sure you've really thought it through though.

I've changed considerably since having my 2 boys, especially the last one a year ago - my tummy has never really recovered from an emergency section. However, my husband loves me. Me in whatever shape that comes in. Don't be too quick to write off separation and a fresh start and don't "settle" for an open relationship if it's not what you want.

Flustered343 · 06/08/2022 23:21

It's not clear if he doesn't find you sexually attractive at all, (and you have no sex life), or it has just lost some of the excitement and spark of the early years?

EarthSight · 06/08/2022 23:42

I'm less interested in your idea and much more interested in the red flags. For God's sake, you are a size 10!!!!! How much 'considerable weight' have you gained then?? I can bet if I saw you I'd think you were a healthy weight.

He might be nice in other ways, but I take a dim view of men like this. I'm suspicious as to the reason why he likes such skinny women. Some men I think like skinny, small, bird-like women because what they actually want is a 16 year old, and getting a small, skinny adult women is the closest they're going to get to that. Other ones might be gay and like the skinnyness because it reminds them of a lean male body.

Topgub · 06/08/2022 23:44

Your oH sounds like a total dickhead

You deserve to be loved and appreciated for who you are

HinchcliffeandMurgatroyd · 06/08/2022 23:44

TL:DR - Husband no longer finds me sexy, love him but need to feel desired- should I suggest an open relationship?

TBH that sounds so nonsensical I am not going to waste my time reading the long version. If it’s like this already an open marriage will absolutely SHRED your self worth. Start with therapy just for you to unpick all this. Try to be much kinder to yourself and more ambitious for yourself.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 06/08/2022 23:48

He sounds as shallow as fuck. You are a size 10. I dont think my skeleton is a size 10. What the hell does he expect a mother to look like?
I dont think I could live with a man as shallow as that. What happens when you get old? He'll dump you for a younger model for sure.

OldKingCole · 06/08/2022 23:48

He might be nice in other ways, but I take a dim view of men like this. I'm suspicious as to the reason why he likes such skinny women. Some men I think like skinny, small, bird-like women because what they actually want is a 16 year old, and getting a small, skinny adult women is the closest they're going to get to that. Other ones might be gay and like the skinnyness because it reminds them of a lean male body.

sorry but this is bonkers!!!

LastWordsOfALiar · 06/08/2022 23:53

What happens when either of you find someone you want more than just sex with?

Recipe for disaster I think. And the start of the end.

Paslaptis · 07/08/2022 00:12

You love him, but the reasons the two of you don't want to split up are (1) the children and (2) finances? If the two of you are not in love with each other and are able to genuinely agree to this as a kind of business arrangement between friends and stick to the terms, it miiiiiiiight work out for you for a while.

However, you describe "dating" other people, you being with someone who finds you desirable and sexy, him having a FWB. I agree with LastWordsofaLiar: while some people are extremely well-disciplined, and you may be two of those people, there's really no way to fully control where a sexual/romantic relationship goes. One of you could fall in love with someone else, leave the marriage, stay but be even less happy, stay and continue a serious, long-term affair rather than a physical/FWB thing. There's also the ethical question: are you both only going to pursue relationships with people who know you're married and also agree to a strictly FB/FWB situation? And will those people stick to it? One of either of your outside partners may fall in love, get obsessive, intrude on your family life.

(No need to answer those here if you don't want; just things I'd be thinking about in that situation.)

AgentJohnson · 07/08/2022 14:46

Oh this has success written all over it. Given your self esteem isn’t particularly high right now I don’t think your H shagging skinny women is going to improve it, do you? It sounds like a desperate attempt to hold onto a relationship that might have had it’s day. Having sex with randoms in a Travelodge is probably not the confidence boost you might think it will be.

Has your H said he doesn’t find you attractive? Are you and your H still intimate? Has your H indicated he would up for this?

thunderonlyhappenswhenits · 07/08/2022 15:01

Really really bad idea. I think the fact he'd be free to date these other women that he does find attractive will completely ruin any confidence in yourself you do have left !!
I know I wouldn't be able to do it. No way.
If you think you could handle it then give it a try but I think this would be the breaking point

ComtesseDeSpair · 07/08/2022 15:09

I don’t think open relationships which are primarily open because you don’t fancy or want to have sex with your primary partner are at all sustainable. Unless you’re asexual and / or don’t think of sex as at all important (which doesn’t seem to be the case here) then it’s such a crucial aspect that you’re missing (and it sounds like wanting) from the person you’re supposed to love the most, particularly as it’s going to mean living with the knowledge that they don’t want it with you because they don’t find you attractive.

And I speak as somebody in an open relationship with a partner who I have sex with every day so I am a) not judgemental of non-monogamy and b) understand how important it is, if you are, to still wildly fancy the person your primary relationship is with.

Separate, and find somebody who desires you and let your husband do the same. It isn’t the end of the world. If you’re good co-parents currently then you can translate that to being good co-parents (and perhaps even better friends) when apart.

ComtesseDeSpair · 07/08/2022 15:12

OldKingCole · 06/08/2022 23:48

He might be nice in other ways, but I take a dim view of men like this. I'm suspicious as to the reason why he likes such skinny women. Some men I think like skinny, small, bird-like women because what they actually want is a 16 year old, and getting a small, skinny adult women is the closest they're going to get to that. Other ones might be gay and like the skinnyness because it reminds them of a lean male body.

sorry but this is bonkers!!!

It’s both bonkers and has the potential to be deeply upsetting to women whose natural build is petite and slim and / or who have little breast tissue, and are in relationships with people who love them and find them attractive. Really poor show.

Dery · 07/08/2022 15:14

OP - this is ridiculous.

Firstly, size 10 is nothing but secondly, if the situation is genuinely as you describe it, your partner’s attitude is beyond pathetic. Just how shallow is your DH? My weight has fluctuated significantly during my 20+ years with DH. He’s desired me throughout. Properly committed, loving partners don’t go off sex with their partners in the circumstances you describe.

If you feel bad now, you’ll feel much worse if he’s sleeping with other women because they have the figure that this entitled prick of a man thinks the mother of his children should have. Stop being so tolerant of his attitude. It’s shit.

ilyx · 07/08/2022 15:15

Can’t you try and find a way to make more money? Most normal eligible men are not going to be happy with this weird set up, you’ll just end up with men who are completely desperate.

WallaceinAnderland · 07/08/2022 15:16

Has he actually said that he thinks you're too fat or that he's not attracted to you or is this just your interpretation of his thoughts?

easylisten · 07/08/2022 15:16

This reply has been deleted

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Coachwork · 07/08/2022 15:22

WTF!! Do you have any proof for this from a seven stone boy with a likely gay husband...of almost thirty years.

Str8talker · 07/08/2022 15:28

An open relationship typically has a greater than 90% chance of splitting the couple. If this happens, you end up separate anyway so you'll just delay the inevitable. So, in answer to your title question, YES, it's a daft idea (but at least you'll get more sex!).

RamblingEclectic · 07/08/2022 16:13

Opening a relationship means bringing more emotions and more complications into your life. It adds more risks for potential benefits.

Breaking up would also do that, but non-monogamy takes a lot more communication and willing to sit with hard emotions. You feel your self esteem leaving piece by piece by not being desired by him, how are you going to feel if he starts desiring and sleeping with other people? What if he's more successful at dating that you are?

As a polyamorous person, I wouldn't recommend non-monogamy as a bandaid for a bad relationship or a bad time in your relationship. It just adds fuel to any fires. Being rock solid, whether as a couple or as housemates as it reads like to me, is the starting point - and ime it's still high risk if you two didn't go through any non-exclusive period to have any baseline of how to navigate that.

So yeah, it's a risky idea. The language you used sounds like you're hoping for the open relationship with sex, but not emotional attachment (even though desire is an emotion). That makes it an outright bad idea to me. You can't really control if you fall in love. You can't control if he falls in love. You can only control what you would do if those emotions happen - and by then, you usually have a problem.

And remember, a lot of monogamous people don't want to date non-monogamous people, even more when we're in relationships. The dating pool is smaller if you're being honest, and you should be, so you need to be emotionally prepared that there are more barriers than there would be if you date single. The young kids is also a barrier and includes risks you'll have to manage. I'm happily polyamorous, but I wasn't actively so when my kids were small. That is not something I'd ever recommend.

Anothernick · 07/08/2022 17:16

Dery · 07/08/2022 15:14

OP - this is ridiculous.

Firstly, size 10 is nothing but secondly, if the situation is genuinely as you describe it, your partner’s attitude is beyond pathetic. Just how shallow is your DH? My weight has fluctuated significantly during my 20+ years with DH. He’s desired me throughout. Properly committed, loving partners don’t go off sex with their partners in the circumstances you describe.

If you feel bad now, you’ll feel much worse if he’s sleeping with other women because they have the figure that this entitled prick of a man thinks the mother of his children should have. Stop being so tolerant of his attitude. It’s shit.

This. As a man my desire for my DW is ever-present, it has nothing to do with how she looks or how she has changed over the years.

pylonpal · 07/08/2022 17:23

Its often suggested on here but I think it is a terrible idea.

The potential for hurt with all the emotions this will create, as well as the risk of one of you falling for your affair partner is huge.

Its also massively unfair on the affair partner who is being used to keep your marriage going and who may develop feelings and get terribly hurt.

If a relationship is not working out for any reason, you need to end it, not to try to find complicate solutions to flog out a few more years.

HoneyIShrunkThePizza · 07/08/2022 17:26

Yes. A very bad idea.

I'm a size 10 now. My husband met me as a size 4. He does fancy skinny celebs. But he still seems to fancy the pants off me. I will never be under a size 8 again as a mother of three, I'm sure. But I look after and love myself. Surely personality has something to do with attraction too for most people?!

Have you outright asked him about this or have you assumed he no longer fancies you?

pylonpal · 07/08/2022 17:31

I do sympathise with the financially trapped part though. Can you look at ways to increase your income and/or ways to accept a lower standard of living?

What you are suggesting is a way to a serious headfuck, not a long term solution for happiness.

And the men you are likely to meet who will 'date' a woman in your situation are not likely to be very nice men. The single ones willing to take you on are likely to be single for a reason, the rest are married and cheating on their wives. The chance of finding a guy you like and respect to have sex with are not great.

DenholmElliot1 · 07/08/2022 17:35

YANBU i think most couples do this anyway, just without the other partners knowledge

Years ago, it used to be the norm to be faithfull to your partner. Nowadays, it seems to be the norm to be unfaithfull to one's partner so yeah, go for it.