Is suggesting an open relationship a bad idea?

[Openrelationship]

TL:DR - Husband no longer finds me sexy, love him but need to feel desired- should I suggest an open relationship?

I’ve been with my partner 10 years and we have 2 young kids. He’s a good guy, an excellent father and a great friend.

However, since I’ve had kids I’ve realised he doesn’t find me sexually attractive. I miss feeling desired and wanted, I need some fun back in my life and the feeling of being wanted. I’m not bad looking, I’m a size 10 so not as big as he clearly thinks I am but have gained considerable weight since kids. He is still just as handsome as when we met, probably more so and has always been attracted to skinny women, which I was when we met. I don’t expect him to fancy me, we all have different tastes and I don’t look the same As when we met and I never will, I’ve accepted that. But what I can’t accept is never feeling attractive to someone else again.

I have thought about leaving, I’ve suggested it a few times but he truly doesn’t want that, neither of us want to do that to the kids and neither of us can afford to live without the other. We’re financially trapped together.

Our relationship isn’t miserable, so we’re not doing the kids a disservice by staying together despite these issues but I just can’t keep going like this. I feel my self esteem leaving piece by piece as time goes on.

So I’m thinking the best thing is to ‘date’ essentially, get out there and meet other men, but still come back to him. And he can do the same. Basically suggest to him that we have an open relationship.This way we keep our loving family unit, but I also get an opportunity to feel desired and sexy. He can do the same and look for a FWB that fits his desires.

Is this a terrible idea?

He sounds great. What could possibly go wrong?

well, unlike most on here I don’t think an open relationship is always a bad idea or that a man is a dickhead for no longer fancying his wife. Sometimes the attraction just wanes or dies in long term relationships, for either sex, even when no one has put on weight. That’s not a crime, it’s just life.

I do agree, however, that an open relationship as a sticking plaster for a bad relationship is not likely to go well. The best place from which to open your relationship is to be solid, in love, attracted to each other and secure. And able to communicate through all the emotions opening it up might throw up.

Do you love him and enjoy being with him despite the lack of attraction? If yes, there may be mileage in trying something open. If no, and you’re only staying for the kids and finances, you’d be better off just divorcing.

You need therapy to get to the root of your bitterness towards skinny women.

good idea
you will have way more success than him in this scenario

Excellent idea in principle until one of you meets someone they want more than a casual sexual relationship with at which point things could get very messy and upsetting.

Forgot to tag you @EarthSight

Do you actually know he doesn’t find you attractive because of your size? Or is it just that you are in the sex slump that people get into with small kids? He might well have a preference for size 6 22 year olds but it’s unlikely they would for him - a fantasy fancy is very different from a real relationship.

I think the two of you need to talk about it and likely get some counselling. I suspect your size is not an issue for him.

Very few people can pull of an open relationship, Even if both partners are on board it takes very open communication and I suspect that’s what the two of you don’t have.

@sweetieqie I'm not sure if you possess sufficient I.Q to be able to tell the difference between personal views, and someone trying to get into the mindset of a specific type of person. They are not the same thing, but clearly you thnk they are.

Oh this is just madness. No idea what height you are but I’m a size 10 at 5’7 and I’m very slim. It isn’t a big size, the national average is a 16 ffs so I don’t think any woman could ever be considered big as a 10.

You don’t need to be in an open relationship, you just need a decent partner who actually loves you. I gained a lot of weight after having DC and was a size 18 for a while, my DH was still attracted to me and never made a big deal out of it at all. He always tells me he didn’t really notice the weight gain and I believe him, he doesn’t have the six pack he had when we met now and has a bit of a tummy but I really couldn’t care less because I actually love him.

Off your trot, dear, pearly not particularly pleasant.

@DenholmElliot1

Surely it’d be a better idea to try and have financial independence? I know it can take years but what happens if she likes the new guy more and can’t leave because she’s financially trapped? Or becomes financially dependent with someone else, things go wrong and again she can’t leave?

Is she meant to stay in an unhappy sexless marriage until she’s 80? It’s not sustainable long term

You want to stay together for your children and for financial reasons...

Which do you think is better for children:
Parents who acknowledge that their relationship has run its course - and is leaving their mum's self -confidence in tatters - so separate, so each can be happier, be free to find someone they could be properly happy with, and their mum can rebuild her confidence. Two happy households.
OR
Mum and dad stay together, pretending to their children and the world that they are happy whilst having other relationships, building the resentment, increasing their mum's lack of self confidence, causing complications (mum falls for someone else / dad gets someone else pregnant / someone finds out and tells them at school etc) and as asults find that they stayed together 'for the children' - so it's their fault that mum and dad spent years being unhappy.

When it comes to the children, better every time to separate and build happy lives and model good relationships to them.

I know it's hard when you feel you're stuck together financially, but it's a bad reason to stay married. Is there really no way you could do it?

Also, do you know for certain he doesn't fancy you? Have you talked about it? Considered therapy? It feels like you've jumped to 'open marriage' which makes me think that you don't like him that much anymore either.

How is therapy always the answer,

Basically paying ££££ just to confirm what you alread suspect, may as well use mumsnets, various perspectives.

Yes I agree sometimes therapy, does help some people, but that it's not just the only option, and especially when you start analysing different perspectives, and it ends up with Sigmund Freud type analysis etc

It's all fun until one of your falls in love with someone else

At one time I would have been all for it, but now I feel it's not the best idea.
If you could split up amicably, learning how to be friends and co-parents to your children, working together as a team ... And get the financial side of things sorted out before selling other partners, then you have crashed good stable roots before bringing in extra people who will have their own opinions on how things should pan out and you'll have done it before the fog of all the strong love/bonding hormones cloud judgment for a time. (Read about limerance)

Seeing other people - creating good roots

Forget the open relationship part.

It's the bullshit about your weight gain yet being a size 10 that tells me your husband is (I tried to think around this and choose a different word but really he is) a cunt.

I'm also not the same sized woman I was pre-kids. Not massive either but could lose weight really. My DH loves me as I am. He fully understands I've birthed his two children and aged too. This has no way affected our feelings for each other including our desirability and sex life.

Your post screams so many awful red flags. I find it so hard to understand why so many women have such low standards when it comes to men and put up with this shit. Tell me why you allow him to make you feel this way??

Just another voice to say I don't think this idea is the solution you're looking for.

The biggest complication IMO is that when you're non-monogamous, you are in fact having sex with real people, who have lives and needs of their own. The complexity is exponential.

I wonder if a change in you is even the real reason things are a struggle in your relationship. I think if I were you I'd try to give the whole situation some time.

I think it can work, but won't work in your situation.

Your husband doesn't love you enough to look beyond a very slight weight gain that has left you at a healthy weight. There is not going to be enough to tether you together when things get complicated from adding third parties to the mix. People always develop feelings for people they sleep with and they need to have a massive connection to their partner to overcome that

You're not on the same page, youd be doing it as a last ditch attempt to try and keep him, and build up some self esteem, and he would be doing it to shag someone skinny.

I'd concentrate on finding a way to separate your finances in a viable way