Should I start caring more about my looks?

[Nhll454]

I've been with my husband since I was a teenager, now mid forties, and I've always been quite relaxed (some might say lazy!), about my looks. I'm just not that interested, I don't have an opinion on other peoples looks either, I've never seen a person I thought was unattractive. My husband takes care of himself and makes a good bit of effort with his appearance, but I am getting older, a bit of grey etc and it's just going to get worse. But I'm not bothered on a personal level. I just want to relax as I get older but I've met some people lately who are very looks orientated and it's started to get me thinking.... Should I care more? I've seen it said that when you let yourself go you're letting your partner down. I get that in terms of fitness/cleanliness but should it go beyond that?

Could you say a bit more about what you mean by ‘relaxed’?

Cleanliness is non-negotiable for me.

Some people are obsessed with looks, fitness or whatever. I'm a bit older than you and what I would look for in a woman is intelligence, sense of humour and kindness. A few extra pounds wouldn't put me off (need to lose quite a few myself).

We all have limited time and would prefer to enjoy mine rather than obsessing about certain things. I would rather die at 70 having lived the life I've lived than 85 existing on a diet of water and lettuce

Well when I was married I always made the effort to look nice. Hair, makeup, shaved legs etc and now I'm nor married and don't want another relationship I make the effort for myself. I like to look nice.
I think its good for your self esteem to make the best of yourself. It's awful when men and women completely let themselves go.

I don’t think you can force yourself to start caring about anything really, you either do or you don’t. There are plenty of people on here who are the absolute opposite re their looks and need to be told to accept ageing.

I don’t even know what you starting to care would mean, would you suddenly be off having manicures, eyelash tints, haircuts, facials and obsessing over a skincare ‘routine’?

I am really into style, fashion and beauty, but it’s not something I force myself to be interested in.

Well, I cut my own hair, I don’t wear makeup or shave any of my body hair but I care about my looks, I use skincare products and dress in a way I like and I think I look great, my partner does too. So it really depends what you mean by caring/taking an interest in your looks - superficial stuff really isn’t necessary unless you enjoy that kind of thing.

Just lost a message!, By relaxed I mean only wearing (a little bit ) of makeup when I go out on a date, only going to hairdressers every 5/6 months, not buying clothes very often , never wearing high heels or anything like that, never getting my nails done or beauty treatments, hardly ever go to buy new cosmetics (I get daunted by this - I get daunted by a lot of these things tbh).... I do shower every day and blowdry my hair, go to the gym, moisturise and take good care of my teeth/feet. Seeing this written down makes me feel pretty bad though!

We have enough money now but when we were young we couldn't afford these things and I got used to not having them, now I'm wondering if it just suited me as well because I don't know what the hell I'm doing tbh.

I'd say yes.
I met a guy I thought I liked. And in the whole 2 months of getting to know him, he wore the same pair of jeans everyday, won't iron his shirts, dressed casual in dirty trainers to work, won't shave, farts and belches indiscreetly.
I started to do his laundry and iron for him, bag him to shave but he said I was controlling.
I resented him for not caring to be attractive to me. And the relationship crashed. I was secretly glad it did.

You sound just like me OP, and I don't see why we should change! It clearly doesn't bother your husband if you've always been like it, and I know it doesn't bother mine. Having said that, I started antidepressants a year ago and I suddenly felt a lot more interested in looking nice. I'm not saying you might be depressed(!) but it has made me realise that mood and self esteem can have a lot to do with it. I'd never plucked my eyebrows until earlier this year. I still wouldn't go to get them done professionally, but I do care about them looking tidy. I also went on a big clothes shopping spree and now have clothes I love wearing, which didn't interest me before. I absolutely hated clothes shopping and would wear any old thing. I was an absolute scruff!

Cleanliness is different and I've always loved smelling nice and trying out different skincare products.

As long as you're clean and happy, I really don't think it matters.

Oh and I still have absolutely no desire to wear makeup - I've never owned any and doubt I ever will!

I think what you describe is perfectly acceptable. The only thing I can think of is changing things up sometimes so I don't always look the same. Nice to be a bit new for each other sometimes?? We're very low maintenance though.

Sounds like you do care tbh. You do more than me in terms of maintenance

I dont subscribe to the idea that looks matter or that we should have to look a certain way to please other people

The current trend for pout trouts and tattooed eyebrows and blank expressions is a definite no from me.

If dh wants any of that he can fuck off and find it elsewhere

I'm very relaxed. Clean, both clothes & myself but no makeup. Take very good care of my teeth!

Be yourself.

@invisibleenergie

I bet he was too

From your original post I thought you did nothing beauty wise but you wear makeup, blow dry your hair and visit the hairdressers. You also sound like you keep in shape. Not actually bad going and I think you care more than you think. If you want to look like you're making the effort, I would increase the trips the the hairdressers and get the grey covered frequently. It's minimal effort for maximum result. Othe things that are easy to do are booking in regular manicures and eyebrow shaping/dying. I am a bit like you in terms of what I do but if I had more money I would do as I suggested. I would also buy more clothes !!

It sounds like you already do care about yourself and your health. If you haven't enjoyed or felt comfortable wearing make up and high heels for the past 40 years, I don't think it will change now :)

Op you sound similar to me.

Why should you do more, that post reads like a very healthy mindset and way of life - no one is obliged to wear summer frocks, make up, perfume, heels, have hair appointments every month etc....

No one needs to buy clothes so often, if you have clothes and they are clean and presentable (in that they are not torn, stained, completely wrong size) then that's fine - fast fashion is a trend damaging the environment.

I believe very strongly that our value as women is, or should be, completely unrelated to how we look.

However back in the real world, when my marriage sadly ended, I was glad I'd more or less kept myself conventionally presentable (ie fit etc), as - crap though it is - potential new partners are going to care, at least initially.

And I'm the same, it's all the information you've got when you first clap eyes on someone. I fully intend to let it all go once I'm settled

Some interesting answers, I'm glad I asked tbh, it's been on my mind. I think my DH is okay with the way I look on the whole, but I think there has been times when he's been confused by me, he was brought up with sisters who were constantly doing home facials and wearing cosmetics etc and he did wonder why I was never into anything like that. I just never saw the attraction in spending time or money on something that I didn't value

@WoundTheBobbinUp I do worry it might come does at least in part to low confidence/self esteem because that has played a role in my life, I chose to spend the spare time reading/hobbies or doing absolutely nothing because it was what mattered more but I am wondering now if I could benefit from spending more time on how I look, I suppose I look at my husband and wonder if it still matters to him and I don't want to regret not putting the effort in, but I don't think I will ever really care. @Topgub I know, it does sound like I do care, but most of what I do really is a defence against depression, I have always, no matter what, had a shower every day ever since I went through a terrible time with my mental health and stopped even brushing my hair. I sort of started these rules with minimum maintenance. Exactly the same with the gym, I go to manage depression, not to tone up and go to classes I enjoy rather than for optimum toning etc. I take care of my feet/teeth because I worked as a carer for a while and these were areas that really start to cause problems if you neglect. I don't do anything to look attractive, I don't try with anything really, but maybe that's okay?

@ManAboutTown I definitely have felt the same, I couldn't imagine the way I look taking up a lot of my time or my energy,

@TedMullins I cut my own hair for years, but I just wasn't that good, I am lucky I found a friendly hairdresser and I enjoy chatting to her.

Thank you for your answers everyone! I really appreciate the time you took.

I like the advice to be myself, thank you.

I have always, no matter what, had a shower every day ever since I went through a terrible time with my mental health and stopped even brushing my hair. I sort of started these rules with minimum maintenance. Exactly the same with the gym, I go to manage depression, not to tone up and go to classes I enjoy rather than for optimum toning etc. I take care of my feet/teeth because I worked as a carer for a while and these were areas that really start to cause problems if you neglect. I don't do anything to look attractive, I don't try with anything really, but maybe that's okay?

honestly I think you've nailed a great way to live and more people could learn from you.

And your DH knows and can see you're low-maintenance and that's something he probably loves about you.

By relaxed I mean only wearing (a little bit ) of makeup when I go out on a date, only going to hairdressers every 5/6 months, not buying clothes very often , never wearing high heels or anything like that, never getting my nails done or beauty treatments, hardly ever go to buy new cosmetics (I get daunted by this - I get daunted by a lot of these things tbh).... I do shower every day and blowdry my hair, go to the gym, moisturise and take good care of my teeth/feet. Seeing this written down makes me feel pretty bad though!

Sounds fine to me OP, I do less than that and I think I care a bit too much about my appearance.

If you aren't that bothered about how you look then that's great. Being focussed on looks can make the person judge themselves or feel down about themselves, especially as they get older.

@gannett Thank you, that was really nice.

This thread has been lovely, I genuinely expected to got a response that I should be doing more but I am going to keep working out what I want to be happy with regards to how I look (which will be similar to where I am), and focus on that. Instead of questioning myself because of what others are doing. xxx

I am clean but that's as far as it goes. I don't wear make-up, rarely rush my hair (tbf there's not really much point as it still looks a mess after). I've never worn nail varnish in my life. I do shave my underarms and legs but nothing else. I'm happy with how I look so other people's opinions don't matter as far as I'm concerned.

There is no one way to live OP, there's the way that works for you and that your DH is happy with and that's fine. I know women who spend a fortune on their hair, nails, beauty in general and others who don't really do anything - just get hair cut every now and again, but barely wear any make-up and honestly I think the second group are personally happier and more secure than the first! But it's all personal choice - and obviously what people can afford too.

I am very much like you OP. I get my hair cut every 10/12 weeks (it does not need anything more). I do get the greys coloured though, generally a DIY effort, sometimes the hairdresser.

I wear minimal subtle makeup, cannot be bothered with nail varnish unless it is a night out. High heels are just a health hazard, get worn along with the nail varnish. I am a boot person though but with block heels.

yes, I shower, wash and condition my hair to keep it in good condition. Spend a bit more on serums and moisturisers now and always use SPF. That is it. Clothes I buy when I need them. Everything (I hope) looks 'cared for' but not in your face.

The clothing and cosmetics industry is so in your face and you are expected to buy into it. Plus I have better things I would rather spend my time and money on. It is about what you choose to invest your time in, small talk whilst your nails are being done or reading a good book. Going shopping or out for a walk on the sea cliffs - there is a choice about what makes you feel good.

You do lots more than me, and I’m quite interested in my looks I would say!

I like clothes to some extent, how things go together, I wear a bit of make up, like a really good hair cut (but could not be arsed ever to blow dry my hair). I’d never do Botox or that kind of stuff.

Painting my own! toenails - I manage it a few times a year! I’d pay someone if I could afford it. I’d have facials for the treat, not for looks, as they are completely useless for that - also only if I could afford it I would!

We’re all different. Vive la difference! Be who you are. In a way it’s refreshing to hear of a woman is not overly concerned with appearance.