I’ve been with a wonderful man for 6 months, known him many years due to knowing his family. He broke up with his wife of over 20 years 18 months ago after she left him and the children for someone else. They have 3 children 2 are grown up and want nothing to do with their mother after she never had contact for over a year. The youngest has just been the subject of a court order at her request and she sees him a few hours a week of which he is reluctant. My partner is doing his best to encourage the relationship but it’s not going well due to her lack of enthusiasm and crying everytime she sees the child.
my problem is, I was single for many years before we got together, I was happily single. My child has left home. I’m finding the divorce he’s going through hard, as he is, the constant talk of his ex, not in a good light and only because he’s really stressed about it all so she is mentioned. All his adult life has been with her, every memory with her. I’ve mentioned my insecurities and he rightly said we are building OUR memories now, which we are. We live 35 miles apart but he’s hoping to move to my town once divorced and house sold, which is his home town and where his family are. Currently we spend quite a bit of time apart due to work but I’m lucky as my job enables me to have quite a lot of ‘chunks’ of time off. I obviously spend my time at his due to the children and school etc. he cleared a load of space in his wardrobe for me to put stuff, I certainly wasn’t rooting, but on the floor of the wardrobe there are a few family photos in frames which he’s never got rid of. He has lost interest in his house now and wants rid but everywhere I look I see her. Don’t get me wrong there are no personal possessions but she chose the kitchen, she chose the bathroom, every holiday he mentions was with her, every concert he went to was with her.
he’s told me the last 5 years of his marriage weren’t happy, she’d told him then she didn’t love him but they’d tried to work things through. I used to see them at family events they always appeared happy? To the point I once told him I’d love to have what they had! He also told me he’s always liked me, he never acted on it tho he was completely faithful. I feel I’m ruining something really good based on my insecurities. I’m finding it hard that she was such a big part of his life, stupid I know. She comes up a lot at the minute in conversation due to the divorce and child access. It really spoils our day as he’s then really stressed. That sounds really selfish but I’m finding it difficult and that’s how I feel. I encourage him to share his feelings and he never hides things.
Anyone have any advice?
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Relationships
Feel like I’m going to ruin things
Cloudy50 · 05/08/2022 16:42
Cloudy50 · 05/08/2022 20:07
I know he would never be unfaithful but that isn’t my concern. My concern is how do I tackle the subject in a manner which makes him realise I’m still
there to support him but make him see my side of it too
Cloudy50 · 05/08/2022 20:29
Thank you. We have previously had a few chats saying no talk of the ex! He honestly doesn’t just bring it up out of blue. We aren’t sat there and he will start talking about her. It’s just at the min with her getting this court order to see the youngest, the divorce, the house sale, it feels like she is mentioned enough for me to feel uncomfortable. I am quite insecure anyway, and he does go over and beyond trying to make me feel special, we have date nights, we like to cuddle up and watch films. I find it easier when he is at my house as obviously there’s no need for her to come up in conversation there. But at his house, the children are there, the emails and letters from solicitors are there etc etc etc.
yougotthelook · 05/08/2022 20:38
I get that and I've been there too, in the exact same situation.
But as time goes on things will resolve and you will look back on this time and think how tough it was, but that you got through it together.
Ignore people telling you to ditch him - good men are very hard to find but you sound like you have one x
And when it's all over with the ex he will be able to devote himself fully to you, and his kids of course xx
Cloudy50 · 05/08/2022 20:29
Thank you. We have previously had a few chats saying no talk of the ex! He honestly doesn’t just bring it up out of blue. We aren’t sat there and he will start talking about her. It’s just at the min with her getting this court order to see the youngest, the divorce, the house sale, it feels like she is mentioned enough for me to feel uncomfortable. I am quite insecure anyway, and he does go over and beyond trying to make me feel special, we have date nights, we like to cuddle up and watch films. I find it easier when he is at my house as obviously there’s no need for her to come up in conversation there. But at his house, the children are there, the emails and letters from solicitors are there etc etc etc.
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Watchkeys · 05/08/2022 19:58
The ex isn’t mentioned in any way that makes me think he still has feelings for her
It's not just about that though. If he knows you don't want to hear about her, why is he talking to you about her? It's not just about being open; he doesn't need to tell you everything. Does he tell you the colour of his pee each morning? No, because some things are personal, even between partners. He's choosing to do something that makes you feel uncomfortable. Why?
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