Mentionitis in the honeymoon period

[Anonforquestion]

I’ve seen “mentionitis” pop up a bit on threads here, and personally felt it can sometimes just be a symptom of an otherwise harmless crush - after all, most of us in long term relationships still fancy other people, but it doesn’t mean we’re going to cheat or leave our partners.

But I’m feeling a bit more anxious about my current partner. We’ve been dating three months, so have just said the “L” word, decided we’re in a proper relationship now, making plans to meet family, etc. We definitely agree we want to make a go of it, however obviously it’s still early days.

There’s a guy who’s helping her train for a hobby - not an actual instructor, more someone more experienced than her that she’s hired to act as a training partner, as she’s building up to taking a qualification. They only meet sporadically - maybe every couple of weeks to a month - and this has been going on since maybe a couple of months before I first met her.

I’m now noticing how much she gushes about this guy. Her face lights up and she looks like a school girl when she says how brilliant he is at this hobby. She also mentions him like “ooh I could get X to do that”. It honestly feels like she’s got a crush on him. Ordinarily I wouldn’t be bothered. But this is happening in the very early days of our relationship when, surely, we should be mad about each other?

AIBU to be concerned - not really about whether she’ll act on it, more that this is a red flag for whether our relationship is as strong/we’re as good for each other as I thought?

i would be concerned, too.

Could it be that she really respects him for his experience and competence regarding the hobby?

The fact that you feel this is a red flag, regardless of what she's feeling. She's either got the hots for him, which isn't good, or you're feeling insecure when she's referring to someone she doesn't have the hots for.

Either way, something's amiss, and you're asking a forum about it rather than feeling you can have an open, honest conversation with her, and trust her response.

Why haven't you asked her? What stops you?

She’s focused on her qualification and she’s excited about it. If she had been interested in him, she would have gotten things going with him instead of starting a relationship with you.

Im gushy about a guy I work with like she is. I really admire him and I talk about him to my boyfriend. He’s gay and has a boyfriend so no attraction for either of us. I don’t think I’ve told my boyfriend that he’s gay come to think of it , and he’s never questioned it.

My last 2 partners were really jealous and controlling. I definitely wouldn’t have been able to be gushy without arousing suspicion. My ex even wondered if I fancied my female friend because we got on well and spent time together.

@Watchkeys I think the fact I don’t want to make a mountain out of what could be a molehill. I don’t want to appear controlling either - as I said, I’m usually chilled about this kind of thing with long-term partners unless there’s other obvious red flags. My question’s more about it happening so early and seeing if there’s any one here who’s experienced similar for reference.

She probably fancies him, bit of a crush. That doesn't mean she's going to do anything about it, or she doesn't love you.

If it were a red flag, what would that be?

If you are going to be together long term there are absolutely people you are both going to come into contact with that you'll fancy/admire/make you light up. Granted you won't be looking for it if you're solid, but it can happen and needn't be a cause for alarm. If your relationship is strong this won't shake it.

Maybe you've got some ripples from your previous relationships and aren't sure what your boundaries are?

I understand what your question is about but I think the fact that you can't ask her a mountain/molehill question when you need reassurance is a bigger issue.

What's mountainous about the question 'Do you have a crush on this guy?' Nothing. Do you imagine she'll have a mountainous response? What's mountainous about 'Yeah, he is attractive' or 'No, I just love his work.'?

The mountains come with how issues are dealt with, and you don't have faith in your relationship enough to believe that you can raise an issue without it becoming a huge problem.

Why is that? What disasters do you forsee?

seeing if there’s any one here who’s experienced similar for reference

You can't use other people's feelings as a template for your own. Some people will have experienced this and been fine with it. Some people will have experienced this and broken up. Who is right?

If you can’t talk openly about this sort of thing, you’re in for a rocky relationship.

Communication is key. Ask her.

She also mentions him like “ooh I could get X to do that”.
what kind of help are you talking about? I wouldn’t mind her being excited about his expertise for training and her admiring his results but not beyond it, it would be a red flag for me. He is not a long standing friend.
is he in relationship?

I think you are being a bit jealous, you will sounds nuts if you accuse her of fancying him. I wouldn't be concerned if the topic is just about the hobby and they only meet up for those reasons.

Having an adult relationship doesn't work like this. You don't worry about 'sounding nuts', that's a very naive and immature way of looking at things. And talking about how you feel isn't 'accusing' somebody of something, that's very oppositional. Partners are supposed to be on the same side, it's not a court of law. If she's doing something that makes him feel bad, the healthy thing is that she will want to find a way to help him feel better. None of that can happen if he feels jealous and doesn't speak up for fear of 'sounding nuts'.

I just think it's over the top just my opinion though. Don't need anyone telling me what's adult!

Don't worry, nobody's denying you your great maturity and wisdom...

I think just ask her straight out 'have you got a crush on x as you mention him a lot'. I don't think that's unreasonable.

Thanks again all!

The only issue with asking her outright if she fancies him is that I strongly suspect, if she did, her answer would be a little white lie - not at all, not my type, etc. Especially this early in the relationship. I'd imagine she'd not want to admit anything that she feels might make me anxious, jealous, etc. Maybe if we'd been together a year, she might be more open. But not now.

Again, though, my main concern is whether mentionitis like this might be a concern this early in a relationship when we've only been dating a couple of months or so. I've always been told in that honeymoon period, hormones make you obsessed with each other. I know in that early, limerant phase, any other crushes I may or may not have tend to go on hold (at least subdued to a level they don't really register so much, especially when I'm with my new date). So just wanted to see if others had that experience too or if AIBU to think that's common experience. (Disclaimer: knowing that, yes, the mentionitis might not actually indicate a crush and I'm misinterpreting that too).

Listen to your gut, OP.

It does seem at the least, very insensitive to be gushing about some other guy to you. Is she emotionally immature and unaware, or just trying to make you jealous or what?

if I were you I’d be concerned whether this was the right relationship for you. Keep your observation ears up and listen closely to her. And I’d say - given her ditziness on this - make sure she is being the “giver”before you go any further. You don’t have to pursue things after 12 weeks if you’re not getting the right vibe!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry, the context is more her thinking up jokey scenarios - like saying whilst doing the hobby, she could launch into song and then "ooh - I could get X to join in and get him to take a bow too" kind of thing. Not actual things outside the hobby.

@AmeAmy From my experience of our relationship thus far, most likely unaware!

Is he in relationship?

I believe he's married. That would also answer the question as to why she wouldn't go for him rather than date me if she fancied him.

I mean, if she did have a crush, they could start an affair or nothing would happen because they wouldn't go there/he doesn't see her that way. As I said though, that's not the issue for me. It's whether someone having a crush like this on someone else when you're only three months into a relationship bodes well for the future or if its a complete non-issue.

I think you perhaps have drawn an unnatural connection, and yet delivered it as if its a natural thing "we have been dating 3 months, so have just said the L word". Not saying it can't happen, but it's a quick time frame maybe. I understand when younger, the urge is there, however, that's the power of the infatuation phase, real love is when you've done the meeting friends and family on a few occasions, integrated your lives somewhat, and still get on, got through the odd challenge and still feel strong. What you are is maybe 'in love' - that exciting bit, where you can't get enough of each other, but you don't quite know each other well enough to judge if it's a compatible long term prospect.
Time will tell, this has irked you, you may be right to be concerned, or she may just be a person who gets enthusiastic about learning new activities. I think this is a wait and see. You should know in time if her enthusiasm is waining for you, if she seems just as into you, it's likely fine, there is space for you and the hobby.

So I've decided to be midnful and aware, but hold back on asking outright on anything for now. As I said, even if she has a crush, I very much doubt she would admit it.

I discovered she's now increased their sessions from one/two a month to weekly when possible, however. This is on the pretext that they need to work as a duo for her to pass this qualification and she wants to be as confident as possible, when she comes to take it.

Last time we were together, however, she was very much "loved up" with me.

All I can do is not completely ignore my concerns - but rather note them and not jump to conclusions as things stand. See how things pan out.

I very much doubt she would admit it

You think she'd rather lie to you then? Are you ok with that? You'd rather just keep schtum rather than risk her lying to you?

Good question op. My experience was that it went from mentionitis in the honeymoon stage, when I felt I could question it, to hidden in the later stage, when I no longer felt I could question it, because he had lied to me and become defensive at the first round of questioning. So all that questioning it did was push it underground. I didn't stick around to find out what was actually going on because I was getting irritated by seeing her name in his archived chats.

To be fair, I think most people would lie - male or female - this early in a relationship. A little white lie to avoid drama.

I don't think most people would lie, @Anonforquestion

Wouldn't you prefer someone who would tell the truth, anyway, regardless of what the majority would do?

I think I'd rather know now rather than later.

Of course, it's not an easy subject to approach, but her reaction to you asking will tell you everything you need to know one way or the other, and you can move forward without this in the back of your mind.