Mentionitis in the honeymoon period

[Anonforquestion]

I’ve seen “mentionitis” pop up a bit on threads here, and personally felt it can sometimes just be a symptom of an otherwise harmless crush - after all, most of us in long term relationships still fancy other people, but it doesn’t mean we’re going to cheat or leave our partners.

But I’m feeling a bit more anxious about my current partner. We’ve been dating three months, so have just said the “L” word, decided we’re in a proper relationship now, making plans to meet family, etc. We definitely agree we want to make a go of it, however obviously it’s still early days.

There’s a guy who’s helping her train for a hobby - not an actual instructor, more someone more experienced than her that she’s hired to act as a training partner, as she’s building up to taking a qualification. They only meet sporadically - maybe every couple of weeks to a month - and this has been going on since maybe a couple of months before I first met her.

I’m now noticing how much she gushes about this guy. Her face lights up and she looks like a school girl when she says how brilliant he is at this hobby. She also mentions him like “ooh I could get X to do that”. It honestly feels like she’s got a crush on him. Ordinarily I wouldn’t be bothered. But this is happening in the very early days of our relationship when, surely, we should be mad about each other?

AIBU to be concerned - not really about whether she’ll act on it, more that this is a red flag for whether our relationship is as strong/we’re as good for each other as I thought?

So, recent sessions got cancelled and so there hasn’t been any since last I wrote. Swept the whole thing under the carpet because things have otherwise been great. We’ve now been together over three months and she tells me she’s very much in love.

So why am I posting again? We were scrolling through some pics of our previous dates, time together, etc, on her phone, taking a trip down memory lane. In the middle of said scrollage were about half a dozen photos of this guy, taken on her last session with him. He’s busy doing something, nothing particularly of note, and he’s completely unaware my partners taking the photos apart from the last where he looks round and catches her in the act, with mild look of surprise. There’s no obvious reason why she would’ve taken these photos.

I didn’t mention it as we were scrolling through and didn’t want to suddenly come across all jealous boyfriend with “hey, hang on what are these photos about??” But think they kind of add enough with everything else to convince me she’s crushing on this guy.

I’ve never knowingly been in this position before - where someone you’re just getting serious with actual has a notable crush on someone else. Can anyone tell me whether this is a dealbreaker or something I shouldn’t be concerned about at all - like no biggie, everyone has crushes? How would you react?

@Anonforquestion

Why do you think someone else will be able to tell you 'whether it's a dealbreaker'? It's your deal. It won't be the same as anyone else's deal. You make the rules. You decide if it's enough to spoil your relationship. What anybody else would do doesn't matter.

You clearly seem bothered and you should have told her on the spot, no matter what her reaction might have been.
I think it's time for you to stop pretending and have that converstion with her.

OP.

You are doing all the right things! Your EI is very high, don't dismiss any feelings in your gut!

To be honest! If I were in that situation it would niggle me a little bit - why on earth would she be snapping photos of him on her phone - why so many - only to sit and look at them at a later stage. Has she done this with you on any occasion?

To me, even if she won't admit it to you or herself, there's certainly a bit of a crush there. She may be feeling in awe of him, due to his expertise in this hobby.

Being honest, I would have said something! wouldn't sit right with me!

I think there's definitely something between them, even if it's unrequited on her side. I also think you'd be getting wildly different responses if you were a woman posting this.