Is he turned on but can’t get hard??

[Dainty22]

I’m dating a guy and we haven’t yet had sex. We’re getting to know each other and very playful with one another.

I’ve “stroked” him and he tells me he super turned on to feel my touch but he doesn’t feel rock hard. It’s like a soft erection, and the he stops me.

Am I missing something here? Is he just not turned enough or are there guys whose penises don’t get very hard. Never experienced this before.

[Dainty22]

@AngelinaFibres

Since time began men have been happy with a handy hole to stick their cock in and women have been faking it for a quiet life. It hasn't mattered whether the human woman attached to that hole was aroused or ever had a tiny bit of pleasure, never mind an actual orgasm. Lube sorts out the lack of arousal. A man without a reliable hard on is as much use as a chocolate teapot.

I’m in stitches over this! But you’re very right!

[Dainty22]

@altmember

Sounds like he's tensing his pelvic floor muscles. My guess is he's doing that to try and stimulate things down there to try and encourage/will an erection. It all points to ED really. Highly unlikely to be porn related.

Ahhh that makes lots of sense. I’m so glad I reached out on here. I’ve been racking my brain trying to figure out where I’m going wrong.

[Dainty22]

@tiggergoesbounce

Is there a reason you are not having full sex?
Maybe he is just holding back until you do.

I feel like he’s holding back and wants to take it slow, hence why we’ve not gone beyond me doing this to him.

[RichardMarxisinnocent]

@FOJN

If she's pretending everything is fine then I would agree with you. Bodies do not always function as we would like but when it comes to intimacy communication is key.

Unreliable erections are a common problem for men as they age and partners adapt to compensate for this but this man is 31, generally an age where the merest suggestion of sex induces a swift and reliable erection. He is not able to achieve a full erection and is claiming he's very aroused. OP cannot work around this or decide if she wants to if he won't acknowledge the issue.

This is not a men Vs women issue.

But the OP hasn't even asked him if there's and issue, or tried to start communication about it, or given him a chance to explain or acknowledge what's going on, and is already being told to "throw him back".

[Melomaniac]

@FOJN

People don't actually think men can control their erections do they? He is unable to get a full erection not saving himself for the big event.

Exactly, a man can control ejaculation if not the underlying orgasm.

[hotsouple]

is he good at getting you off?

[PlantChef]

The pelvic floor thing might be him trying to arouse his arse. Maybe he’s into pegging?

[LondonWolf]

Highly unlikely to be porn related.

How can you possibly make this claim?

[FOJN]

@RichardMarxisinnocent

But the OP hasn't even asked him if there's and issue, or tried to start communication about it, or given him a chance to explain or acknowledge what's going on, and is already being told to "throw him back".

Well for some posters it will be a deal breaker. The OP is looking for advice because she is confused that physical evidence of his arousal does not match his word. He may well feel embarrassed which will make it difficult for the OP to address the issue so the responsibility for initiating the discussion rests with the man. His failure to do that would be the deal breaker for me.

I'm not sure why you think it's the OP's job to start the conversation.

[Draughtycatflapreturns]

The problem is most definitely porn and death grip. He now needs a higher level of visual stimulation and a firmer hand. Have you tried bursting in dressed as Wonder Woman and wanking him off with a pair of oven gloves?

[yougotthelook]

@Draughtycatflapreturns

The problem is most definitely porn and death grip. He now needs a higher level of visual stimulation and a firmer hand. Have you tried bursting in dressed as Wonder Woman and wanking him off with a pair of oven gloves?

I mean I'm up late and scrolling and see this!!!!!
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

[Clymene]

This isn't going to get any better. If he can't get an erection and won't admit it, you're onto a non-starter

[WeneedtotalkaboutBrunobaby]

If he isn't bringing this up as an issue himself, this is not going to get any better. Trust me. It all sounds very familiar to me. An ex very similar couldn't get hard, and didn't want or initiate sex. I think we had sex twice in two years. Once was penetrative sex and he came very quickly. I loved him and would have been ok with all of this except he never spoke about it, changed the subject when I brought it up (which was rare because I didn't want to embarrass him or make him feel awkward). I ended up feeling pretty shit about myself. I'd approach the subject with him. if he doesn't want to talk about it, then walk away and save your own self esteem.

[EBearhug]

I started the conversation with mine, and he said he'd already ordered Viagra, so we will be testing it's efficacy this weekend. He's very good with his hands and mouth, but I do like a good erection, and I think it will be a deal breaker if it doesn't work. But he is older, and has had some health issues, so perhaps a slightly different situation.

However, I had been worried about how to have the conversation, because if some of it is nerves, I didn't want to add more pressure than he might already be feeling, but equally, I don't want too many feelings developing for either of us if it's not resolvable. Fortunately, it came up in conversation so I just asked (from the safe distance of WhatsApp) if he'd ever tried Viagra. If that hadn't happened, I'd probably still be overthinking and planning a small speech... I think there will still be a follow-up conversation about its cause ànd whether he's been to the doctor about getting it checked, as it can be a symptom of other illnesses. But I'll see how he performs first! 😉

Another guy I was with a few months ago was quite upfront about being on antidepressants and it affecting him. We managed with what he did achieve and some good imagination. But I think I'd find it frustrating long term.

There's a fair bit of it about once they're in their 50s, but not at 31. (There are also a lot of men in their 50s who are absolutely fine in that respect.)

[Dainty22]

@FOJN

Well for some posters it will be a deal breaker. The OP is looking for advice because she is confused that physical evidence of his arousal does not match his word. He may well feel embarrassed which will make it difficult for the OP to address the issue so the responsibility for initiating the discussion rests with the man. His failure to do that would be the deal breaker for me.

I'm not sure why you think it's the OP's job to start the conversation.

Thank you so much for understanding :)

[Dainty22]

It’s not embarrassing at all! Thank you for being so honest and open about your experience and I can understand how the pressure and nerves would add to it, hence why I didn’t want to bring it up first. Although, I have asked if my touch is comfortable and he was enjoying it, as I thought I was turning him off possibly :/

[Dainty22]

@EBearhug

I started the conversation with mine, and he said he'd already ordered Viagra, so we will be testing it's efficacy this weekend. He's very good with his hands and mouth, but I do like a good erection, and I think it will be a deal breaker if it doesn't work. But he is older, and has had some health issues, so perhaps a slightly different situation.

However, I had been worried about how to have the conversation, because if some of it is nerves, I didn't want to add more pressure than he might already be feeling, but equally, I don't want too many feelings developing for either of us if it's not resolvable. Fortunately, it came up in conversation so I just asked (from the safe distance of WhatsApp) if he'd ever tried Viagra. If that hadn't happened, I'd probably still be overthinking and planning a small speech... I think there will still be a follow-up conversation about its cause ànd whether he's been to the doctor about getting it checked, as it can be a symptom of other illnesses. But I'll see how he performs first! 😉

Another guy I was with a few months ago was quite upfront about being on antidepressants and it affecting him. We managed with what he did achieve and some good imagination. But I think I'd find it frustrating long term.

There's a fair bit of it about once they're in their 50s, but not at 31. (There are also a lot of men in their 50s who are absolutely fine in that respect.)

I absolutely feel you with this and you’ve handled it remarkably well! That was my exact thought about not wanting to add to the pressure or nerves, in case it was a one off but this has been more than one occasion.

[Bumpyroad22]

@Dainty22 I have been through this and still don’t know the exact answer but I think it’s ED. With my ex, when we first had sex he got fully hard but then after the first few times I noticed I couldn’t “feel” him as much. I think when we first started dating he was taking viagra or something to help him along. Then he obviously couldn’t keep that up as we started to see each other more and sex was more spontaneous rather than set dates. So it happened a few times where he wouldn’t get fully hard or he would lose it during sex. I tried to speak to him about it but he would brush it off , all he would say was that it definitely was nothing to do with me. It got to a point though where I half dreaded sex as I was never sure if it would work or not. We never seemed to have spontaneous sex and he always seemed to hold back. He was affectionate in other ways but it felt like he kept his distance so it didn’t lead to sex. I think more of the issue was that he wouldn’t talk about it, and that’s what leads to us starting to blame ourselves or trying to second guess the reason. I fancied him and I know he fancied me but that makes it even more frustrating. I wouldn’t end things just yet but if he doesn’t talk to you about it then I would!

[HowlongWillThisTakeNow]

@Dainty22

I now remember that as I was stroking and gripping gently, his penis was twitching. Like he’ was some how jerking it. I sound crazy now

He is doing Kegel exercises to try and help with his erection.