Hi, I’ve never done this before, but wonder if I can put something to the mumsnet jury so you can help me decide between course of action A and course of action B. I’m at a real crossroads in life after a shocking discovery.
I’m 55 with a partner of 10 years who is nearly 70. Ten days ago, while on holiday, my iPhone broke and I had to order a new one. In the meantime, he let me use his phone to keep up with friends and family. While on it I noticed a recent WhatsApp exchange between, him and his ex-girlfriend. She lives in another country and he had a long distance relationship with her for 2 years before we met.
He’s never really talked about her – when I asked why they broke up he said “I don’t know”. But from what I gather from photos, etc., they met up every month or two during their 2-year relationship. It was very romantic and passionate – a real escape from reality, mostly meeting up for holidays and weekends in new places or joining each other on business trips, although they did meet eachother’s grown-up children too, so I guess it was getting pretty serious. From what I have pieced together she finished with him when he was still very much in love with her and he immediately joined a dating site and met me a month later (I didn’t know this at the time or I would have proceeded with much more caution or swerved altogether). He’s also told me when I’ve asked pointedly over the years that they are not in touch and that his philosophy is to move forward in life and leave the past in the past (although he has a good r/ship with ex-spouse because of children in common, as I do with mine). This is why I felt compelled to look at the messages.
As for us, we were just friends for the first month as I didn’t really fancy him and was looking for someone closer to my age after a big age gap with my ex-husband, and then it became something more at the beginning of September 2012. He’s been really amazing to me in the last 10 years, and we’ve had great times, as well as the day-to-day mundane stuff. He’s always been the one in the relationship who loved more, if you see what I mean. He’s super committed, affectionate, great with my 2 kids, supported me through breast cancer, bereavement, family difficulties, has been my rock, my source of safety and comfort, etc. If anything, he’s been too needy and suffocating and has always wanted to push the relationship on faster than I’ve been comfortable with. Right from the beginning he spent every night at mine (except when I had my kids eow in the first 6 month before introductions were made) and gave up his house rental to officially move in with me after around 3 years. My friends think I’m so lucky to have him with the way he dotes on me, etc. Our lives are very much intertwined and I very much saw a future with him.
But after seeing the messages I realise that all this time he’s been hankering for her. She’s definitely his “one that got away” and he has used me to mend the great big hole she left in his heart. How can I ever be anything but second best when compared with his idealised version of his ex-lover who he had passionate, sexy, relationship with that was always an escape from reality and that never became mundane? A further factor is that he’s had pretty bad erectile dysfunction since the beginning of our relationship, so maybe she was the last woman he could sustain an erection with? Maybe that’s it, and it makes me feel extra shitty and unattractive that he can barely get it up with me.
I discovered all this around 10 days ago while on holiday. I’m sure that there are women on here with similar experiences that can understand how completely bowled over I am. I’ve not eaten, not slept. Have gone to the doctor to prescribe sleeping pills. Pretended I had heatstroke on holiday to explain how extremely sick I was. I’ve had a lousy time of it over the last 3 years – bereavement, cancer, burnout – and this has really pushed me over the edge.
He doesn’t yet know that I know, though he must know that something is up as I’ve been acting weird and asking some very pointed questions. I couldn’t confront him on holiday as we were staying with my ageing mother and I couldn’t afford the drama. We have now brought my mum back home to stay with us until 13 August and she is very high maintenance, so I need to keep schtum until then, which is maybe a good thing as it gives me time to mull things over and formulate a plan.
So now to the messages. The short version is that they started in March 2017, triggered by an email from him to her that I’ve not seen. They have been pretty sporadic – 2-3 times a year, with a 2-year hiatus at some point in the middle. The last exchange was this July, soon before we left on holiday. There has been talk of meeting each other, especially at the beginning but also during Covid (her inviting him to join her at a hotel, him not replying yes or no but saying that he will have to visit her in her country, him regularly asking her when she will visit x city which is 50 minutes from us, where it turns out her daughter lives – so I can no longer feel comfort in the fact that she is far away). Reminiscing about the past in a normal way, but also him saying that she’s always in his thoughts and he still remembers every detail of where they went and what they did, telling each other how special the other is to them. He tells her that she will always be his sexiest woman, and she replies “and you my best lover”. Lots of catching up on family news. Him saying “hey, it didn’t work out between us but glad that we can still be friends”, but then saying later that she’s “fit in every sense of the word”, calling her “sweetheart” and a cutesy nickname. The worst thing, though, is what is missing from the messages, which is ANY mention of me! It’s clear that in his original email to her he didn’t tell her about me and misrepresented the circumstances in which he gave up his house, i.e. that he had to move out because the owner was selling, not because of a joint decision to move in with me, after which his house owner decided to put it on the market rather than find another tenant. In her last message she asks if he finally got a dog. We have had a dog for 10 years! So he has lied to me outright and lied to her by omission.
Though the intention was clearly there, there’s no smoking gun that they actually met up. There may have been parallel exchanges of emails and phone calls, or maybe I’ve seen everything. But the point is that the exchange has been illicit in that I wasn’t aware and he has done it in secret, he can’t say that they are just good friends, or that he’s mentioned it to me, etc. That would be a lie. This is an absolutely staggering betrayal in my book, and I don’t think I could ever feel the same way about him again or trust him again no matter how much DIY he does for me or how many massages he gives me. (These are the kinds of things he does when we row, he doesn’t address things head-on.)
So at the age of 55 (at least I’m not nearly 70!) I come to a fork in the road and my options as I see them are:
A: I confront him, and give him a very hard time but ultimately accept his gaslighting and manipulation of the truth, he makes amends, we put this behind us and grow stronger as a couple, he continues to do lots of DIY and other acts of service for me, which is obviously very helpful. To not drive myself mad, I believe that he is being open and transparent about everything (though he may continue to deceive me and compartmentalise as this is part of his nature), we go ahead and have our lovely future together with travel (including an amazing 10th anniversary trip we have planned in September) festivals, family time, grandkids, and continue to support each other through health issues and other hardships.
B: I ask him to leave (he lives in a house that I own, owns no property himself, and has a meagre pension), I’m in severe emotional pain for a year or so but slowly rebuild my life, either become more independent (am v reliant on him) and/or meet a new man. At the very least, I hire a reliable handyman! I run the risk of being lonely and having to face bereavement and illness on my own. My future is basically very uncertain. It could all work out great, but no guarantees. He would probably try to get back with his ex-gf. Whether she takes him back is another question though … many of his messages are straight out of the player’s playbook … keeping her on a string …sending her subtle fishing messages to see if she’s got a new man (he would be SO offended if he heard me say that and he considers himself a straight and honest guy with the utmost integrity!), and it does sound like she’s lonely and has regrets …
I’m veering towards Option A, because of how long this has been going on – 5.5 years over 10 years – over half our relationship! I obviously cannot trust him and will always wonder what else he has been hiding from me. Also because now that I’ve seen the messages I realise that she’s always been the third person in our relationship. Without me realising it, there has been so, so, so much mentionitis over the years about who she is (his first name and her last name make up the name of a famous actor and he always comments that that would be such a cool name to have – yuk) what kind of person she is, what she says, what she’s interested in, what she has that I don’t have, where she travels on business (bizarrely, one summer he had a go at me for wanting to go to Greece again on holiday and why couldn’t we go trekking in Kazakhstan for
a change – Kazakh-fucking-stan, I’m not even joking – yup, she was going to be on business there!).
I have another week to decide though and would very much appreciate any thoughts and advice. Despite my long post I’ve obviously left out many details, but happy to answer any questions. Thanks so muck to anyone who takes the time to read/comment.