Inappropriate messages between partner and his ex spanning 5 and a half years – what to do?

[StormsfromtheWest]

Hi, I’ve never done this before, but wonder if I can put something to the mumsnet jury so you can help me decide between course of action A and course of action B. I’m at a real crossroads in life after a shocking discovery.

I’m 55 with a partner of 10 years who is nearly 70. Ten days ago, while on holiday, my iPhone broke and I had to order a new one. In the meantime, he let me use his phone to keep up with friends and family. While on it I noticed a recent WhatsApp exchange between, him and his ex-girlfriend. She lives in another country and he had a long distance relationship with her for 2 years before we met.

He’s never really talked about her – when I asked why they broke up he said “I don’t know”. But from what I gather from photos, etc., they met up every month or two during their 2-year relationship. It was very romantic and passionate – a real escape from reality, mostly meeting up for holidays and weekends in new places or joining each other on business trips, although they did meet eachother’s grown-up children too, so I guess it was getting pretty serious. From what I have pieced together she finished with him when he was still very much in love with her and he immediately joined a dating site and met me a month later (I didn’t know this at the time or I would have proceeded with much more caution or swerved altogether). He’s also told me when I’ve asked pointedly over the years that they are not in touch and that his philosophy is to move forward in life and leave the past in the past (although he has a good r/ship with ex-spouse because of children in common, as I do with mine). This is why I felt compelled to look at the messages.

As for us, we were just friends for the first month as I didn’t really fancy him and was looking for someone closer to my age after a big age gap with my ex-husband, and then it became something more at the beginning of September 2012. He’s been really amazing to me in the last 10 years, and we’ve had great times, as well as the day-to-day mundane stuff. He’s always been the one in the relationship who loved more, if you see what I mean. He’s super committed, affectionate, great with my 2 kids, supported me through breast cancer, bereavement, family difficulties, has been my rock, my source of safety and comfort, etc. If anything, he’s been too needy and suffocating and has always wanted to push the relationship on faster than I’ve been comfortable with. Right from the beginning he spent every night at mine (except when I had my kids eow in the first 6 month before introductions were made) and gave up his house rental to officially move in with me after around 3 years. My friends think I’m so lucky to have him with the way he dotes on me, etc. Our lives are very much intertwined and I very much saw a future with him.

But after seeing the messages I realise that all this time he’s been hankering for her. She’s definitely his “one that got away” and he has used me to mend the great big hole she left in his heart. How can I ever be anything but second best when compared with his idealised version of his ex-lover who he had passionate, sexy, relationship with that was always an escape from reality and that never became mundane? A further factor is that he’s had pretty bad erectile dysfunction since the beginning of our relationship, so maybe she was the last woman he could sustain an erection with? Maybe that’s it, and it makes me feel extra shitty and unattractive that he can barely get it up with me.

I discovered all this around 10 days ago while on holiday. I’m sure that there are women on here with similar experiences that can understand how completely bowled over I am. I’ve not eaten, not slept. Have gone to the doctor to prescribe sleeping pills. Pretended I had heatstroke on holiday to explain how extremely sick I was. I’ve had a lousy time of it over the last 3 years – bereavement, cancer, burnout – and this has really pushed me over the edge.

He doesn’t yet know that I know, though he must know that something is up as I’ve been acting weird and asking some very pointed questions. I couldn’t confront him on holiday as we were staying with my ageing mother and I couldn’t afford the drama. We have now brought my mum back home to stay with us until 13 August and she is very high maintenance, so I need to keep schtum until then, which is maybe a good thing as it gives me time to mull things over and formulate a plan.

So now to the messages. The short version is that they started in March 2017, triggered by an email from him to her that I’ve not seen. They have been pretty sporadic – 2-3 times a year, with a 2-year hiatus at some point in the middle. The last exchange was this July, soon before we left on holiday. There has been talk of meeting each other, especially at the beginning but also during Covid (her inviting him to join her at a hotel, him not replying yes or no but saying that he will have to visit her in her country, him regularly asking her when she will visit x city which is 50 minutes from us, where it turns out her daughter lives – so I can no longer feel comfort in the fact that she is far away). Reminiscing about the past in a normal way, but also him saying that she’s always in his thoughts and he still remembers every detail of where they went and what they did, telling each other how special the other is to them. He tells her that she will always be his sexiest woman, and she replies “and you my best lover”. Lots of catching up on family news. Him saying “hey, it didn’t work out between us but glad that we can still be friends”, but then saying later that she’s “fit in every sense of the word”, calling her “sweetheart” and a cutesy nickname. The worst thing, though, is what is missing from the messages, which is ANY mention of me! It’s clear that in his original email to her he didn’t tell her about me and misrepresented the circumstances in which he gave up his house, i.e. that he had to move out because the owner was selling, not because of a joint decision to move in with me, after which his house owner decided to put it on the market rather than find another tenant. In her last message she asks if he finally got a dog. We have had a dog for 10 years! So he has lied to me outright and lied to her by omission.

Though the intention was clearly there, there’s no smoking gun that they actually met up. There may have been parallel exchanges of emails and phone calls, or maybe I’ve seen everything. But the point is that the exchange has been illicit in that I wasn’t aware and he has done it in secret, he can’t say that they are just good friends, or that he’s mentioned it to me, etc. That would be a lie. This is an absolutely staggering betrayal in my book, and I don’t think I could ever feel the same way about him again or trust him again no matter how much DIY he does for me or how many massages he gives me. (These are the kinds of things he does when we row, he doesn’t address things head-on.)

So at the age of 55 (at least I’m not nearly 70!) I come to a fork in the road and my options as I see them are:

A: I confront him, and give him a very hard time but ultimately accept his gaslighting and manipulation of the truth, he makes amends, we put this behind us and grow stronger as a couple, he continues to do lots of DIY and other acts of service for me, which is obviously very helpful. To not drive myself mad, I believe that he is being open and transparent about everything (though he may continue to deceive me and compartmentalise as this is part of his nature), we go ahead and have our lovely future together with travel (including an amazing 10th anniversary trip we have planned in September) festivals, family time, grandkids, and continue to support each other through health issues and other hardships.

B: I ask him to leave (he lives in a house that I own, owns no property himself, and has a meagre pension), I’m in severe emotional pain for a year or so but slowly rebuild my life, either become more independent (am v reliant on him) and/or meet a new man. At the very least, I hire a reliable handyman! I run the risk of being lonely and having to face bereavement and illness on my own. My future is basically very uncertain. It could all work out great, but no guarantees. He would probably try to get back with his ex-gf. Whether she takes him back is another question though … many of his messages are straight out of the player’s playbook … keeping her on a string …sending her subtle fishing messages to see if she’s got a new man (he would be SO offended if he heard me say that and he considers himself a straight and honest guy with the utmost integrity!), and it does sound like she’s lonely and has regrets …

I’m veering towards Option A, because of how long this has been going on – 5.5 years over 10 years – over half our relationship! I obviously cannot trust him and will always wonder what else he has been hiding from me. Also because now that I’ve seen the messages I realise that she’s always been the third person in our relationship. Without me realising it, there has been so, so, so much mentionitis over the years about who she is (his first name and her last name make up the name of a famous actor and he always comments that that would be such a cool name to have – yuk) what kind of person she is, what she says, what she’s interested in, what she has that I don’t have, where she travels on business (bizarrely, one summer he had a go at me for wanting to go to Greece again on holiday and why couldn’t we go trekking in Kazakhstan for
a change – Kazakh-fucking-stan, I’m not even joking – yup, she was going to be on business there!).

I have another week to decide though and would very much appreciate any thoughts and advice. Despite my long post I’ve obviously left out many details, but happy to answer any questions. Thanks so muck to anyone who takes the time to read/comment.

It is very hard to find good handymen. That would literally be my only reservation.

Who needs a 70 year old malfunctioning cocklodger who is dishonest?

Another vote for B. You are only 55, absolutely move on from this man. Good luck in your future OP you deserve so much better

Grow stronger as a couple ....hiw? Through his lies, manipulation and emotional infidelity?
It's clearly ootion B for those of us outside the relationship... but you still want him and so you'll go Option A and numb your misgivings with "we'll be be stronger nonsense"

I can see why your vision of option A is appealing OP but it's unlikely to play out that way if you stay and I honestly think option B would be less painful for you in the long run. Those messages have (rightly) blown too big a hole in your trust to be repaired and option A will just be a long, drawn out end to your relationship and a waste of your time. Rip the plaster off and get on with moving on, you managed without him before and you will again

B.

There’s too many lies and too much deceit.
You'll be feeling bitter when he needs care in a few years.
Why waste the rest of your young years on someone who is hankering for someone else?

B - you've always been second best, will always be second best, but you provide him with a home and financial stability. And if you stay together, how long before you become his carer? Is this what you want?

Dump his ass!

I can’t believe men are still dogs (no offence to dogs) at 70!

Is she even younger than you, why they broke up?

With the age differnece it will be you mainly supporting him. Think carefully: you might really feel pressured or guilt tripped kicking him out if he need assistance. Best to do it sooner than later.

You made option A sound so unappealing. Why on earth would you consider doing that?

And harsh but, in reality, the age gap means he absolutely will not be there to support you in some of the hardest times. And his physical ability for odd jobs etc will decrease. You'll be left looking after a man who you're 2nd best to, who relies on you financially. No thanks.

@NetWithHoles

😅

I am so sorry you are going through this. I don't say this lightly as I know how painful it is but option B. Kick him out. He has been living in your house whilst messaging another. What does he bring exactly? He hasn't just sent a message and realised the mistake he has continued it for 5 years.

I would like to suggest Option C.

You tell him you regret the relationship is over because he has betrayed you but you play your cards close to your chest. He lies to your face about the non-existence of contact over the last five years until you confront him with the iPhone proof. Thereby showing you, right now, what a gaslighting cheat he always has been. Thus quickening up the heartbreak to well under a year as you see you've been freed up to meet someone who actually wants YOU and is good enough for you!

I run the risk of being lonely and having to face bereavement and illness on my own. My future is basically very uncertain

@StormsfromtheWest you say this about plan B but I think this applies to plan A. There is nothing so lonely as functioning in a relationship in which only one of you is truly invested. You may face events like bereavement and illness as a single person (if you stay single) but are you sure you won’t cope better as you learn to trust yourself and not rely on him? I wonder if he’s made himself indispensable to secure a home and to do that he’s had to ensure you don’t think you can cope. I think plan A would make your future much more uncertain. If you call it a day it will be painful and take time to adjust but once you have you’ve got opportunity to meet other people (not just men).

The only thing certain about plan A is you will be looking over your shoulder the whole time and putting on a mask with everyone who thinks he’s so wonderful. I’m 55 as well and I couldn’t contemplate that for years to come, because actually we are not that old and some of the best years are still to come before we really do have to slow down! Why spend them resentful and insecure?

My DF died last year and my mum found herself on her own for the first time since she was 19. They were together for 60 years and she was totally dependent on him (typical old fashion marriage) and in the last 12 months she has learned to pay bills, turn on a computer, drive on her own, even use satnav! I know you’re not in that position but my mother is proof that we can exist on our own even if it’s a very tough journey at first.

The thing is, option A doesn't exist, as it doesn't only depend on you - you might go through all the pain and forgiveness etc. only for his ex to say she wants him back 5, 8, 10 years down the line and for you to end up alone anyway ...

Your DP reminds me of my ex: he left me in very hurtful & difficult circumstances, quickly started dating again, now in a longish relationship but has been trying to contact me through my friend, saying that he cannot move on, it’s not the same with his current gf. He wants to ‘meet up and talk’. About what? Being deceitful towards his current partner?

There’s no way I’d engage in any contact with him.
Men like them cannot be on their own, they are like parasites, not taking responsibility for their own actions, too selfish to realise they are hurting others.
Put yourself first. Go on that amazing trip without him and make it a start of something new.

End the relationship. You, quite rightly, didn't trust him. I wouldn't want a relationship feeling second best and looking over my shoulder.

Thank you all for your advice and lovely words of encouragement. I was already strongly leaning towards option B, so you are all just solidifying my thinking. I will give him his marching orders when my DM leaves and will update you, but unfortunately this won't be a very fast moving thread.

I will tell him that trust has gone, that I cannot forgive and forget, especially due to the length and secretive nature of the messages between them. Also that I now consider our relationship to have lasted only 4,5 years. He has acted with agency and self determination over the past 5,5 years, but I have not due to the lies. I would have broken up with him in March 2017 and moved on with my life by now had I known. He's taken years of my life away from me which makes me furious. If you can think of anything to add to my "talking points" please let me know ...

And thanks to those of you who acknowledge that it will be hard. Yes, I am very reliant on him and yes he does use it as leverage. My sis says that I should say to him "Get the fuck out of my house! But first could you put up some shelves?"
😂

A cocklodger? I knew people would say that but I don't think it's exactly fair. I've downplayed his contribution with my DIY comments. There's actually not a single room in my house that he hasn't transformed. He's done an enormous amount for me, and more than repaid me for living here. Besides, I paid off my mortgage years ago and he contributes to half the household bills. It's been a win for both of us really - I've been able to add loads of value to my house, and he has had the money to play golf, eat out and go on holidays. Above all, I've loved him dearly over the last 10 years, and I've wanted him to have a good life. Him being happy has made me happy.

And I think he does/has absolutely adored me. He just seems to be one of these men that compartmentalises. Plus I think that the ED had made him lose confidence in his virility, and keeping the flame alive with his former flame is one of the ways he deals with this. Still not acceptable, but understandable from a psychological POV.

@neilyoungismyhero, sorry you have had similar experiences of feeling second best. Not nice at all.

@YouAreNotBatman, I don't know why they broke up, in the messages she says something like "we didn't see eye to eye on many things". She is 4 years older than me, 11 years younger than him, very into her career, obviously v solvent and has property like me. It seems like it's all work, work, work with her and she doesn't have much of a private life. She's no beauty but she sounds very smart and educated and they obviously have lots in common - both eco warriors - but she more extreme than him.

Why would you wish to be the second best love of a skint deceitful old cocklodger? Chances are due to the age gap you'd be his carer rather than the other way round.
It's a no from me. Plan B.

B

Everything you do with him going forward will be tainted, always wondering if he is contacting her, every event you will be thinking if he would have preferred her company and not yours - dont put yourself through it, dump him

Also, to those of you who mentioned it, do you really think I should contact her? The thought never occurred to me, though I may contact her at a later date if I find out that he's gone straight to her after I've finished it. I doubt that would happen as we live close to his adult children who he is very close to and she lives far away.

It's a B from me

Well it doesn't have to be a slow process but it will be if you feel you want to give him talking points. You can simply tell him one morning, you betrayed me so you have to leave tonight. No more or detailed reasons needed. Don't waste any more precious time on a future cheating ex. He's already had five years off you.

Actions have consequences.

You could choose to stay with him because you are afraid there is nothing or no one else out there for you and it is comfortable but then you'd end up a nursemaid to a man who cheated on you and love someone else.

You could choose to end your relationship, take time to heal and then go search for a genuine, real love that is equal and kind and passionate or at least fulfilling and look back with sadness not regret over how lucky you were to leave now and not waste your life on a man who just never respected you.

Or you could have the big confrontation, end the relationship and live your life for awhile before you circle back to a friendship with this tosser so you get all the perks of a man friend without the cheating or having to wipe his arse when he hits 90 and can't do it himself...

Best of luck, OP. Remember that you are worthy of real love and if Shakira can be cheated on, then the issue is not with us woman but with the rats who think they can have their cake and eat it!

I do think you should contact her once he's gone yes, she is/has been subject to his deceit and compartmentalising too and it's time everyone knew the truth. I won't lie, there would be an element of 'getting back at' and/or ruining things for him behind my actions, but also not wanting another woman to be deceived and my own general feeling that things are better out in the open for all concerned. It would weigh heavily on me that she may go on to make decisions based on lies or half truths and I know I would want the truth in her position.

What you’ve said you will say to him sounds excellent. He will be left in no doubt what he’s done to you.

I don’t see the sense in contacting her, I’m not sure what you would get out of it.