Could I be autistic or am I just socially awkward?

[anon182]

I'm not sure if Relationships is the right place for this so feel free to move if necessary.

I've long felt like there's something wrong with me. I struggle to make friendships, only really have a couple of close friends from university (I'm early 30s now) and lots of acquaintances who I'm friendly with but not close to.

I find most social situations really nerve wracking and I am terrible at small talk. I fear rejection massively. Often I want to say things but have to spend ages summoning up the courage to do it - as an example, I knew a local business that I visit frequently had won a community type award and wanted to congratulate the owner when I was in today.

I couldn't bring myself to say it - even though I knew it was a nice thing to acknowledge - and had to literally force myself to say "oh by the way, congratulations on your award - so well deserved" as I was leaving. I just found it so awkward to say in front of other people and like I'd embarrassed myself?

That isn't normal is it?! That I have to psyche myself up to act like a normal human being. I've often wondered if I could be autistic but I don't think I really tick any of the boxes when I read about it online. I just feel "different".

Is it simply extreme social awkwardness or could I be neurodiverse?

Finding social situations difficult in that way can be part of autism. Often there are sensory issues too, which could be linked to any of the senses. Have you noticed anything like that? There are some good books about women and the autistic spectrum. Sarah Hendrickx's book on this is an interesting read, and might give you some answers.

Have you looked into autism? It is much more then just finding social situations awkward. I'm not saying that means you can't be autistic, just that it means there isn't enough to go on here to even begin.

That's literally me, my whole life! Never knowing the appropriate things to say and not liking to speak at all, even if there was something specific to say. I used to describe myself as 'painfully awkward and shy'. I'm a bit better now that I have started copying what other people do.

I think most people have days where they are a bit socially anxious or lack confidence or overtime or feel extra introverted. I don't think it points towards autism though.

I've always felt...different but I don't check many of the boxes for autism. Maybe there's something else that they haven't discovered and labeled yet xD

But it sounds like you maybe just struggle a bit with confidence sometimes.

Also seems like there could be a touch of ocd thinking. Or even just standard negative thinking 'I believe I will fail so I do' ect..

I know what you mean. I cannot bring myself to say ‘bless you’ after someone sneezes. Sounds like Social anxiety. Autism could also be involved. Mindfulness/CBT could be useful.

I did mention in my OP that when I read about the traits/signs/symptoms (sorry I'm not sure what the correct term is) of autism I don't really meet many of them. I'm just searching for answers I suppose.

Thank you - I know it can present differently in women so often goes undetected. I'll look at the book you recommend.

You sound like me, I'm extremely socially anxious. Wishing someone a happy birthday (unless I'm very close to them) is so awkward and embarrassing for me. I hate social situations unless it's with my close family or 2 best friends because I'm so awkward

Yes I know what you mean about copying other people - I'm really empathetic and good at reading people and their body language / facial expressions so maybe I just overthink massively and want to blend in so I act the same as others do. I wish I could download my brain and send it off for a diagnosis 🤣

I am exactly like this and have been for as long as I remember. I have also wondered whether I have autism but have done loads of online questionnaires (query how useful/accurate they are!) and I have always come out with a low likelihood. I suspect mine is caused by anxiety/worrying about failure, especially as I am prone to re-run any “non-familiar” interaction over and over in my head afterwards and worry that I said the wrong thing/gave the wrong impression etc, so I have tended to try to avoid these types of interactions to spare myself the worry afterwards!

I recently started taking antidepressants to try to improve my anxiety and I’m definitely starting to notice that I find social interactions more comfortable (and am
on a waiting list for counselling which I hope will also help with improving things).

Re the autism. My DH has autism and ADHD. I see signs of both in myself but I feel I am more likely to have ADHD than autism (completely my own opinion, I'll probably never seek a diagnosis) I have trouble with sensory things (loud noises, the feeling of certain things on my skin) struggle seeing tasks through, becoming overwhelmed a lot etc. Have a read into it and see if it fits

I have a similar problem but haven't managed to have any friendships at all.
When I do manage to speak, most of the time what I say sounds stupid. I spend so long psyching my self up to say a few words and i either miss my chance or cock it up. I assume I'm just severely socially awkward.

My DP has an ASD diagnosis and is way better in social situations than I am

I am in my 40s and I suspect I am autistic, I have actually worked with autistic clients over the years but it is only recently I have started to consider I might have autism. I read this article recently and it resonated a lot

www.autismspeaks.org/blog/autism-adult-women-you-dont-seem-autistic-me

I have scored highly in an online assessment but obviously the diagnostic criteria will be greater than this. I am just deciding if it is worthwhile to go ahead with an assessment, I mask well and can cope well in social situations but these are rare and I require a lot of downtime afterwards to get my energy up again, and to stop beating myself up about the things I have said 😀. I have many strategies for coping with anxiety etc but this will not change with a diagnosis will it? I will still need to use these strategies. It is tiring though, and I am becoming quite worn out by how I am. It's very confusing.

There have been some discussions over in the neurodiverse section about how autism presents in girls and women, and there are links to different tests. If you have time to dig around a bit it’s worth exploring.

The extraordinary hypersensitivity to social cues that’s involved in masking is remarkable. It might look like we’re hopelessly inept but I’d challenge an NT person to sit inside our heads and process the kind of sensory input we do.

I did mention in my OP that when I read about the traits/signs/symptoms (sorry I'm not sure what the correct term is) of autism I don't really meet many of them. I'm just searching for answers I suppose.

Sorry I totally missed that. I do think of you don't relate to anything else it's probable that your answer lies elsewhere. It may not though and it's always worth exploring.

Could be. Could be ADHD. Could be social anxiety disorder. Could be AvPD. Might just be your personality.

My DF was an incredible intelligent but humble man who could talk to anyone. His secret was quite simple. Most people love talking about themselves so small talk to him was just asking people about themselves.

I think we are too absorbed in finding specific labels for our personality types.
Not everyone is a natural group member. Most groups have a rigid hierarchy, queen bee and followers of various types.
I find groups of women difficult to integrate into not because I lack social skills but because I’m not a natural queen bee and I’m not good at being a follower. I don’t like to be tied into a group and prefer to be able to do what I want to do. I think in social terms it is known as floating. One of the best holidays I had with friends was with a group of self confessed floaters. We understood the need for space and didn’t need to constantly down everything together. Over 3 weeks not once did we fall out or irritate each other. We were all floaters who were accepted into lots of other groups but were not exclusive.
It can be lonely at times but you learn to please yourself.
I would love to say it was ASD but I think it’s just being happier in my own company. My younger sister has many more ASD traits but has a much bigger friendship network.
I suppose it helps being in a relationship with someone similar. DH, like me is happy to socialise but hates being tied into groups. His idea of hell on earth is to go on holiday with another couple or family.

I think it could be anxiety? See if you fit any of the criteria for that.

'I would love to be able to say it's ASD' - but you recognise it's probably not.

Don't dismiss the need for diagnosis for actually autistic people simply because you are probably just 'happier in your own company'

You have no idea how absolutely life changing a autism diagnosis can be for the autistic person. It's not about 'labels', it's about understanding.

It sounds like social anxiety to me: it can be very debilitating in the ways you describe. Therapy can be extremely helpful for some people with social anxiety though.

What you're describing is pretty common. If you've looked at the criteria for autism/ traits and don't meet any other then it's unlikely you're autistic. Sounds more like anxiety and perhaps low self - confidence.

Same here OP, I have wondered If I was on the spectrum. Like another poster, I done the online autism quiz but have come out low as my issue really is my social anxiety. I know something isnt quite right but I cannot be bothered to explore it.

Sounds like Social Anxiety to me. I know how your feel, overthink something and then when you go and say it, you stumble over your words.

I don't have friends, every day Is a struggle. I've just started CBT therapy for my severe social anxiety. It's hard work but my therapist says you can retrain your brain.

I don't know much about autism, but from your description it sounds like you are terribly anxious and lacking in confidence. Have you read any books about social anxiety? Can you talk to a counselor/therapist about your worries? Maybe CBT and/or finding out about mindfulness might be useful?

Also, I agree with a PP who suggested that Most people love talking about themselves so small talk (is) just asking people about themselves.

Maybe try attending Meetup events, especially walks, and make a conscious effort to talk to people? You may never have to see them again, so might be less anxious?