Could I be autistic or am I just socially awkward?

[anon182]

I'm not sure if Relationships is the right place for this so feel free to move if necessary.

I've long felt like there's something wrong with me. I struggle to make friendships, only really have a couple of close friends from university (I'm early 30s now) and lots of acquaintances who I'm friendly with but not close to.

I find most social situations really nerve wracking and I am terrible at small talk. I fear rejection massively. Often I want to say things but have to spend ages summoning up the courage to do it - as an example, I knew a local business that I visit frequently had won a community type award and wanted to congratulate the owner when I was in today.

I couldn't bring myself to say it - even though I knew it was a nice thing to acknowledge - and had to literally force myself to say "oh by the way, congratulations on your award - so well deserved" as I was leaving. I just found it so awkward to say in front of other people and like I'd embarrassed myself?

That isn't normal is it?! That I have to psyche myself up to act like a normal human being. I've often wondered if I could be autistic but I don't think I really tick any of the boxes when I read about it online. I just feel "different".

Is it simply extreme social awkwardness or could I be neurodiverse?

No expert here, but maybe social anxiety?
You might find understanding a bit more about how anxiety presents and some techniques to deal with it would be helpful.
Milder anxiety can often be managed by appropriate exposure to the thing that bothers you - my DD has social anxiety and finds things like ordering food in restaurants extremely difficult. But it does help when she's able to go out into shops and have positive experiences of talking to strangers. Although a bad one can set her back!
It's something that might not go away, but can be managed.

I find certain thing

Aargh. Stupid phone just jumped and posted.

I find certain things excruciatingly awkward to say. Happy birthday, saying hello or good bye to people in the office. Anything where I'm expected to say it just feels really awkward because the expectation means it can't ever feel natural.

On the flipside I wouldn't have had any problem congratulating someone on an award in your example because that is a one-off. I'd actually have a reason for saying it rather than just because everyone else is saying it.

I also hate using anyone's name except my own DC. Even DH! Just feels weird and awkward.

I think most people have certain things that make them feel awkward.

Social issues can be a lot of things and can be autism.

Do some online tests.

Read the threads on the Neurodiverse board on here.

Read some books esp relating to women eg Sara Gibbs recent book.

If you think autism fits then ask your GP for a referral for an assessment.

Doesn't sound like autism to me. But if it is a good book on women with autism will help.

It sounds like chronic anxiety, low self esteem and poor social skills. You can work on those. Good books and podcasts available. Have you always felt this way? Did you come from a family that wasn't open emotionally?

Have you considered getting assessed? I have looked into it but it was expensive £1000 or so but I have more classic symptoms. Struggle with eye contact/physical touch, obsessive interests. There is a genetic factor that makes it more likely. Would love to week a diagnosis but I am afraid that it would come back negative because its just me or even worse they misdiagnosed me because of my masking (highly self aware).

I nearly asked this question a few weeks ago. I've been wondering for years now.

I'm a bit different in that I find chatting socially quite easy in the moment. I often seek it out. Then afterwards I over-analyse everything I said and convince myself I've been rude, overbearing, selfish, boring etc.

I make acquaintances easily but struggle to develop these into real friends. I find opening up very difficult. I also find having genuine emotions about things difficult (I would say I'm quite closed off emotionally).

I often forget what someone's just said, and I find that I don't ask the common sense questions to people. So I get home and think, why didn't I talk about XYZ instead of go on about this that or the other.

I've started to retreat now. I can't face more rejection, ghosting, questioning and blaming myself.

I'm painfully honest to people I'm comfortable with. I find it hard to "lie" which makes my family feel I'm a bit brutal, even though that's rarely my intention.

I, like you, don't tick a lot of boxes. But I know there's something different about me. I live on the outside looking in. I never feel a part of situations, rather I'm outside judging it.

I hope it helps to know you're not alone.

Do you have any suggestions for podcasts/books etc?

Your post basically describes me, I have very emotionally unavailable parents.