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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Giving this letter to my husband?

44 replies

Backofapostcard · 04/08/2022 01:39

Nc for this. Does it sound OK? Is it pathetic? I'm at a loss, it's 1am and after a bizarre encounter where he tried to have sex and then stopped once he woke up I just don't know what to do. I'm really hurt so I've written out a note that I want to give him. We've had issues for years re sex and his lack of drive but we have two under 5s and I don't want to ruin the family unit. On a personal level I'm just broken by the state of our marriage. Hes not having an affair and isn't gay - I just think he has a low libido and is selfish. Any advice would be lovely. This is what I have so far:

I'm just writing this because I don't want to have an argument, I just need to let you know a few things.

  • it's August and we've had sex three times this year - two of which you initiated in your sleep.
  • I'm really struggling with the lack of intimacy and physical affection. It's beginning to feel weird to touch you.
  • you seem to pull away very quickly when I try to get close. There's a barrier there and I don't know why.

We've had this conversation before and despite your reassurances nothing has improved. I feel lonely, rejected and to he honest heart broken because of this.

I'm not sure what happens next. I just wish you would love me the way I need.

OP posts:
Original poster
Backofapostcard · 04/08/2022 01:41

Just to clarify the sleep sex thing, it's always been consensual on my part. We used to have sex 2/3 times a week but every now and then he'd initiate it agajn but was asleep for the beginning stages. I could always tell because his mannerisms were different and he didn't tall etc.

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 04/08/2022 01:57

What did you want to achieve with this letter? As it’s written - it’s just you saying you are unhappy, without saying what you actually want to happen.
You mention two issues - low libido and him being selfish.
….Low libido - he may or may not be able to do anything about. Was there a sudden drop in it - is there a medical reason?
Do you want him to at least try to see a doctor to try to possibly change that?

….Being selfish. That he can certainly do something about. Would you like him to actually do something to please you? Use toys, fingers, etc?

And finally - and I guess more importantly - is there consequences? Are you getting close to considering leaving, or insisting you open up your marriage so you can have sex with someone else?

MightbeMaybe · 04/08/2022 02:21

Sorry am I reading that right? You know your DH is asleep and essentially sleepwalking, but you continue to engage in sex with him? And then when he wakes up he wants to stop?

You say it's consensual on your part, but how can it possibly be consensual on his part?

Cakeandcoffee93 · 04/08/2022 02:25

i know what you mean about the sex sleep thing-
i dont know how you e coped only having sex three times. Defo something not right op. Hope he finally opens up and you become closer

D0lphine · 04/08/2022 02:27

I don't quite understand the sex in his sleep thing. Can you explain more.

I agree you need to be more constructive. You've said what the issue is but not what you want to do about it.

I assume you want to stay with him and make it work? If yes say you love him!

I assume you want to have more sex and intimacy. How can you achieve that?

Do you want to go to couples therapy?

Do you want to open up your relationship?

What happens if nothing changes? Don't give him an ultimatum but explain this isn't the relationship you want.

avamiah · 04/08/2022 02:45

I would like to apologise in advance if i offend anybody with my post but Sex while sleeping?

Thats without consent

MightbeMaybe · 04/08/2022 03:03

avamiah · 04/08/2022 02:45

I would like to apologise in advance if i offend anybody with my post but Sex while sleeping?

Thats without consent

That's what struck me too, knowingly having sexual contact with someone who is unconscious or asleep is assault.

By law the unconscious person cannot consent to the sex acts.

MightbeMaybe · 04/08/2022 03:04

I'm only not calling it rape because by law it would be classed under the term sexual assault.

Iceicebaby123 · 04/08/2022 03:07

Hi OP.
I'm confused are you having sex with him in his sleep or the other way around?

Iceicebaby123 · 04/08/2022 03:08

Sorry just read again!

Scottishskifun · 04/08/2022 03:25

You have 2 issues here
1: your missing intimacy which is definitely a conversation worth having

2: your husband has sexomnia which is very tricky and a condition like sleep walking but it is tricky to tell. If you can tell then you should be trying to avoid the interaction so that it's consensual

Ncfreely · 04/08/2022 03:25

Imagine if this was a DH writing about his DW.

Scottishskifun · 04/08/2022 03:31

MightbeMaybe · 04/08/2022 03:03

That's what struck me too, knowingly having sexual contact with someone who is unconscious or asleep is assault.

By law the unconscious person cannot consent to the sex acts.

Show quote history

There is a condition called sexomnia but usually its difficult to tell especially in sleepy state but the OP can tell so should be trying to avoid the interaction.

It's a bizarre condition and I had a partner with it, regardless of trying to use safe words etc I would still get caught out and not realise he was asleep. Similar to someone having full conversations with someone sleep walking and not realising they are sleepnwalking for a good 10 mins

MightbeMaybe · 04/08/2022 03:58

Scottishskifun · 04/08/2022 03:31

There is a condition called sexomnia but usually its difficult to tell especially in sleepy state but the OP can tell so should be trying to avoid the interaction.

It's a bizarre condition and I had a partner with it, regardless of trying to use safe words etc I would still get caught out and not realise he was asleep. Similar to someone having full conversations with someone sleep walking and not realising they are sleepnwalking for a good 10 mins

Show quote history

Thank you for supplying the name of the condition btw, I didn't know it was a recognised condition separate from sleep walking.

It would be a different matter if these were instances where the DW was unaware her DH was still effectively asleep but I can't get past that the OP has been able to tell and continued.

That is non consensual sex, in other words rape. In this case, because it involves a *wife having sexual intercourse with her sleeping husband, it would be categorised as a sexual assault rather than a rape by law. But in my opinion it is still rape.

*I'm making an assumption the OP is female here.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/08/2022 04:06

MightbeMaybe · 04/08/2022 02:21

Sorry am I reading that right? You know your DH is asleep and essentially sleepwalking, but you continue to engage in sex with him? And then when he wakes up he wants to stop?

You say it's consensual on your part, but how can it possibly be consensual on his part?

This. I know you're unhappy. But you are knowingly having sex with him when he isn't actually consenting. And you know this is a fact because he stops when he wakes up.

That's assault.

Hodan85 · 04/08/2022 04:22

People need to lay off the sleep sex issue. She's not doing anything wrong, neither is he. This used to happen with my wife and I - we'd wake up in the middle of it, but both be ok with it, or sometimes we would stop if were especially tired or something. Sometimes I'd initiate and not realise until we were actively having sex, but no one was upset about it. We were married and it was just something that happened sometimes. We didn't have a good sex life at the time either I should add.

In terms of the letter, I thinks it's fine, but needs a 'next steps' / action point / questions that need answering, so that hopefully some approve improvement comes

Inthesameboatatmo · 04/08/2022 04:26

If he stops as soon as he wakes up he's not consenting at all . Why are you engaging with him when you know this to be the case? It's disturbing to me honestly, I couldn't have or want to have sex with someone who's asleep. That's rape. Just because you are female doesn't make it any less so.

Ncfreely · 04/08/2022 04:28

Hodan85 · 04/08/2022 04:22

People need to lay off the sleep sex issue. She's not doing anything wrong, neither is he. This used to happen with my wife and I - we'd wake up in the middle of it, but both be ok with it, or sometimes we would stop if were especially tired or something. Sometimes I'd initiate and not realise until we were actively having sex, but no one was upset about it. We were married and it was just something that happened sometimes. We didn't have a good sex life at the time either I should add.

In terms of the letter, I thinks it's fine, but needs a 'next steps' / action point / questions that need answering, so that hopefully some approve improvement comes

Sorry, are you the DH? If not, how do you know?

MightbeMaybe · 04/08/2022 04:37

People need to lay off the sleep sex issue. She's not doing anything wrong, neither is he. This used to happen with my wife and I - we'd wake up in the middle of it, but both be ok with it, or sometimes we would stop if were especially tired or something. Sometimes I'd initiate and not realise until we were actively having sex, but no one was upset about it. We were married and it was just something that happened sometimes. We didn't have a good sex life at the time either I should add.
In terms of the letter, I thinks it's fine, but needs a 'next steps' / action point / questions that need answering, so that hopefully some approve improvement comes

@Hodan85 The law and a number of posters on this thread would disagree on the highlighted point.

youlightupmyday · 04/08/2022 04:59

I would be spectacularly pissed off if my DH only tried when he was asleep but not when he was compos mentis..

And how is everyone so sure about the law etc in the case of male.sexomnia? I had never, ever heard of it before but there are instant experts on here. Have I been under a rock to have never heard of it?

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/08/2022 05:04

And how is everyone so sure about the law etc in the case of male.sexomnia?

It's got bugger all to do with male sexomnia and everything to do with OP supposedly but I know this thread has been reported having sex with someone she KNOWS isn't consenting. Having sex you know to be non-consenting is assault.

ouch321 · 04/08/2022 05:05

I've only ever heard of it from an episode of Desperate Housewives but it's an easy cop out for rapists effectively as they can just say I didn't know.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/08/2022 05:14

I also think people need to lay off the sleep sex thing. This is something they’ve always done. It has happened twice this year. Op is confused rather than trying to take advantage. Yes, it needs unpicking but telling her she’s raping her dh (impossible btw as she doesn’t have a penis) is hardly helpful.

It is very important that you discuss this with him op. A letter sounds like a very sensible solution if he won’t. If he doesn’t want to have sex with you, he needs to so something about his issue rather than leaving it up to you to attempt to push him off when he’s asleep… even if that means separate beds. Your sleep is important and you shouldn’t have to be on high alert. And if he doesn’t want to have sex, you have a right to know what’s going on.

Mississipi71 · 04/08/2022 06:34

I think counselling is the way forward. You can see posting it on a public forum might probably have made you feel worse. You are not a criminal x

KangarooKenny · 04/08/2022 06:55

Why on earth are you with him ? Staying for the kids is not an excuse.