Giving this letter to my husband?

[Backofapostcard]

Nc for this. Does it sound OK? Is it pathetic? I'm at a loss, it's 1am and after a bizarre encounter where he tried to have sex and then stopped once he woke up I just don't know what to do. I'm really hurt so I've written out a note that I want to give him. We've had issues for years re sex and his lack of drive but we have two under 5s and I don't want to ruin the family unit. On a personal level I'm just broken by the state of our marriage. Hes not having an affair and isn't gay - I just think he has a low libido and is selfish. Any advice would be lovely. This is what I have so far:

I'm just writing this because I don't want to have an argument, I just need to let you know a few things.

• it's August and we've had sex three times this year - two of which you initiated in your sleep.

• I'm really struggling with the lack of intimacy and physical affection. It's beginning to feel weird to touch you.

• you seem to pull away very quickly when I try to get close. There's a barrier there and I don't know why.

We've had this conversation before and despite your reassurances nothing has improved. I feel lonely, rejected and to he honest heart broken because of this.

I'm not sure what happens next. I just wish you would love me the way I need.

Agree with everything you say. It must be very hurtful when he awakens.

I'm with the others who are saying the sex you're having isn't consensual. That's outrageous.

The letter is fine for expressing your feelings, but you're not giving him anything to work with. What do you need him to do, do you need him to sit down and talk, couples therapy, gp visit.

I didn't expect flak for his sleep his issue.

I really don't think i've committed any offence. We've been together since he was early twenties and I was a very late teen. Once we realised what was happening and he wasn't aware we had a conversation about it, he wanted to carry on if I was happy to - I said I was fine with it. So when it happens it just happens. But to imply I'm taking advantage isn't really fair - when it does happen I'm asleep too to begin with and usually awoken with being groped or fingered. I'm a side sleeper so he will move me on to my back and then start having sex - it's at his point he realises and wakes up properly, becomes more gentle if that makes sense and checks in with me. It might sound weird but it is what it is. If I don't want it I've had to shake his arm to get him to wake up and he's apologetic and will leave it. It is like waking a sleepwalker. On the other hand if I don't react to him and just lay there he would continue until he wakes up and then stop if he thought I was still asleep.

I posted because it is quite rare that it happens now but last night was different, it's been a long time since we've had sex or even just any kind of intimacy. I woke up and he was touching me intimately, then he moved my leg to have sex. He started but then woke up and kind of jumped off me when he realised and rolled on to his side facing away from me. Obviously I respect his wishes but the rejection just hit me hard. I put my hand on the side of his body and asked him if he wanted to continue and he just said 'i've just woken up'. I didn't say anything else and took my hand away and rolled back over.

To clarify last night was the first time he has ever stopped after initiating it like this. I was very much the passive partner in that exchange, he was on top as he always is when this happens and in full control.

The rejection just hit me hard, hence the posting, because it felt like his body wanted sex, just his consciousness didn't want sex with me.

We've spoken about the lack of sex many times over the last few years, he always says the right things but the actions never follow through. It always descends in to me crying over it so I thought a letter might be better.

I agree.

What are you hoping to achieve with the letter?

Are you worried about him?

Do you just want to tell him your feelings?

If so, how do you think he'll respond?

Sex is about soo much more than the act of intercourse. In your shoes, I'd focus on introducing physical intimacy back into your lives, without progression to sex. He needs to be clear he can touch you without you expecting more.

I think if he knows you care and want to work with him, and take away the expectation of sex, he'll feel less pressure and may be able to start to open up to you. Then you can look at therapy together, or addressing any medical needs.

Of course, it might be that he's experiencing mh issues too, in which case he'll need to seek help individually.

At the moment I think your letter as it stands is just going to point out how little you've had sex and how hurt you are - he probably knows and suspects this already.

I do think though that after last night another conversation around consent will need to be had - if he's changed his mind after waking then he isn't consenting prior to that so I will say to him if he tries it in the future then I will wake him up each time to stop it. He's the only person I've slept with and that has always been part of our relationship and now I feel like some sort of monster for just going along with it.

I'll suggest counselling to him as a last attempt at salvaging this.

He started but then woke up and kind of jumped off me when he realised and rolled on to his side facing away from me. Obviously I respect his wishes but the rejection just hit me hard.

He may simply have been embarrassed.

I can’t believe all these horrible replies to the OP, practically calling her a rapist.

OP, try giving him the letter. I hope it gets him to talk, or agree to couple counselling. I hope you can work this out with him. You can’t live the rest of your life like this.

Best of luck.

You mention 'salvaging this'. Do you mean potentially ending the relationship?

If you do, then I think you have to be very straight about this - make sure that he knows this is something you're considering and exactly why.

"I felt horribly rejected last night. I felt as though you were unconsciously wanting sex but when you woke and realised what was happening you didn't want to continue. Surely you must realise that this leads me to think that you want to have sex, but not with me?

Our lack of intimacy is changing the relationship from lovers to friends/siblings/housemates.

I miss feeling cherished, attractive, wanted.

We've spoken about this before but there hasn't been a change.

I want us to go to counselling because I don't feel our relationship can continue as it is."

I don’t think your letter is going to change anything - you’ve said all this before and it’s got you nowhere.

You need to take action - counselling at least, I would say separate sessions to start with. Not least because you need to think about what you’ll do if this is how he’s going to be for the rest of his life.

FWIW loss of libido is not a new thing - if you were saying this about your own loss of libido on the menopause boards plenty of posters would say it’s natural and is a change that all couples should think about as a possibility.

Is this for REAL !!!!

No. That’s an awful letter to receive. Go to a counsellor

I wouldn’t give him the letter in its current form. I think it would be. Very hard thing to receive and it reads like a list of complaints rather than anything hopeful for the future. There is a lot of scope for misunderstanding with letters and he may take it as you ending things.

In your shoes I’d talk to him rather than giving him a letter and have a few ideas for how to move forwards eg counselling, or perhaps trying more physical touch and cuddling without any pressure to have sex.

It sounds very hard. Hope you can find a way through.

It's not that common but yes there has been one case Im aware of being proven in the courts that it was sexomnia. The accused did produce evidence from a sleep clinic.

I think unless you have come across it before then it's not really known and also because it's pretty private it's not really discussed. As the partner it can make you feel pretty strange at first.

OP your update is useful that this was the first time that he's responded that way and yes I completely understand what you mean about being in the sleepy state I have also been there.
Definitely have another conversation around the consent aspect with your DH given his response.

I think it's best to talk to him rather then the letter and also look at counselling

I understand that it's more than just sex, it's intimacy. My husband suffered for years with depression that really impacted his libido to the point we rarely had sex, and it changed other things like having a cuddle on the sofa watching tv, having a peck on the lips goodbye if one of us is going out, holding hands etc. Sex is one thing but to have a marriage without those little intimacies is hard as you feel more like friends. If you want to talk or write about it I'd focus on that as I think that is easier to work on, enthusiastic consent is important for sex and difficult to give if you have libido issues, but being a bit more affectionate day to day is easier and can help a relationship. Good luck

I'm not trying to make @Backofapostcard feel bad, just pointing out that what you are doing is non consensual. I tried to be more tactful about it at the start tbf.

Reading your replies I can see that you are both on the receiving end of non consensual acts while you are asleep. I do understand the sexomnia is a huge factor here but you both need to be aware of how the law sees non consensual sex acts.

I cannot believe those on this thread saying that continuing having sex with an asleep partner is ok! It's really not, it's a huge violation!

I really wonder what the replies to this thread would be if the poster was male and talking about his wife. I bet they'd be different!

Do you kiss OP? Cuddle?

Not sure you should give the letter as it is, as seems to be bullet points of criticism.

you said he was a virgin when you met and he had / has a lower sex drive, maybe he is just not interested in sex anymore, or the more difficult issue, he is not interested is sex with you anymore.

maybe your questions should be more open and less about sex as it sounds like you are keeping count. And more about how he feels in the relationship?