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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I cope with this? OH’s paranoia

34 replies

UhhOhhh · 02/08/2022 23:41

For the last 8 months my partner has become severely paranoid. He’s has started timing me to see how long I take to get home from work. He tracks my every move. One night I wasn’t hungry and he took that to mean I’m cheating. There have been loads of crazy examples of him getting it into his head that I’m cheating, to make it clear - I’m absolutely not and never have.

i think what started this off is that for the last 4 years his best mate has been having an affair with his girlfriends best childhood friend. My OH knew about this and kept the secret. I’m very close to the friends girlfriend. She would confide in me that he was being emotionally abusive to her and I would tell me OH. Eventually it got too much for him to bear and he told me about his friends affair. I of course told the girlfriend straight away. The shit really hit the fan and there’s been a massive fall out in the friends group. It turns out that his friend was also having an affair with another friends little sister and this has also caused a fuck ton of problems. The guy is a complete arsehole and has ruined a lot of lives. Im glad they are not friends anymore.

Ever since then the bouts of paranoia have begun. He says that he’s seen what people are capable of and it’s scared him. I cannot live like this for much longer. Im worried whenever I come home to what I’m going to face. I just don’t know what to do. Any advise?

OP posts:
MadMadMadamMim · 02/08/2022 23:45

Yep. Dump him. This is his problem, not yours.

Original poster
UhhOhhh · 02/08/2022 23:47

Yes I hear what your saying and I’m coming close to the same conclusion. However, we’ve been together for 20+ years and have children. Until this happened we’ve had a very trusting relationship. I don’t know if I’m ready to give up on him yet

OP posts:
theniceunderstandingone · 02/08/2022 23:49

Maybe try therapy if you don't want to give up on him yet. But this behaviour isn't normal. Unless he's cheating himself...and trying to throw the light off of him

MolliciousIntent · 02/08/2022 23:54

This is classic behaviour from a man having an affair, I'm afraid. Cherchez la femme.

HollowTalk · 02/08/2022 23:54

In a way though it doesn't matter how long you've been married, if he is making your life unhappy and uncomfortable then you should end the relationship. I'd ask him to see a doctor about the paranoia. If he wouldn't do that, the relationship would end.

Watchkeys · 02/08/2022 23:56

Have you told him how his behaviour is affecting you, and that you can't cope with it? If so, what did he say? If not, why haven't you? What stops you?

Original poster
UhhOhhh · 02/08/2022 23:58

I’m afraid he’s having an affair yes. But I doubt it, apart from this I’ve got no reason to think it.

i just don’t know what to do. I’ve been angry, laughed at him, tried to be understanding. I’ve told him to leave so many times. He calms down and says he’s knows he’s in the wrong and it’s fine for a while, until I miss the bus or do something else to make him suspect me.

OP posts:
PutinIsAWarCriminal · 02/08/2022 23:59

I can see this getting nasty as his paranoia builds up. Are there drugs involved, steroids or cannabis, because he really doesn't sound stable.

Original poster
UhhOhhh · 03/08/2022 00:01

Tonight he said ‘I’m either right or wrong but either way it’s not healthy and I should leave’

But I know he won’t, the whole cycle will
start again

OP posts:
Original poster
UhhOhhh · 03/08/2022 00:02

He’s an occasional cocaine user. Very occasional.

Ive told him I can’t live like this, he just says I’m not supporting him enough

OP posts:
LynnAboutTown · 03/08/2022 00:06

UhhOhhh · 02/08/2022 23:41

For the last 8 months my partner has become severely paranoid. He’s has started timing me to see how long I take to get home from work. He tracks my every move. One night I wasn’t hungry and he took that to mean I’m cheating. There have been loads of crazy examples of him getting it into his head that I’m cheating, to make it clear - I’m absolutely not and never have.

i think what started this off is that for the last 4 years his best mate has been having an affair with his girlfriends best childhood friend. My OH knew about this and kept the secret. I’m very close to the friends girlfriend. She would confide in me that he was being emotionally abusive to her and I would tell me OH. Eventually it got too much for him to bear and he told me about his friends affair. I of course told the girlfriend straight away. The shit really hit the fan and there’s been a massive fall out in the friends group. It turns out that his friend was also having an affair with another friends little sister and this has also caused a fuck ton of problems. The guy is a complete arsehole and has ruined a lot of lives. Im glad they are not friends anymore.

Ever since then the bouts of paranoia have begun. He says that he’s seen what people are capable of and it’s scared him. I cannot live like this for much longer. Im worried whenever I come home to what I’m going to face. I just don’t know what to do. Any advise?

I think you have to sit down and have a chat with him about how this is affecting you. Also suggest going for therapy together or individually to see how you can cope. If he is not willing to then l would say not a healthy relationship you might have to consider leaving him.

MolliciousIntent · 03/08/2022 00:08

UhhOhhh · 03/08/2022 00:01

Tonight he said ‘I’m either right or wrong but either way it’s not healthy and I should leave’

But I know he won’t, the whole cycle will
start again

So you say "I think you're right" and then you pack him a bag and show him out.

Original poster
UhhOhhh · 03/08/2022 00:10

MolliciousIntent · 03/08/2022 00:08

So you say "I think you're right" and then you pack him a bag and show him out.

Show quote history

That’s more or less what I said. I asked him what his plan for leaving was, he just sulked and went to bed.

OP posts:
Original poster
UhhOhhh · 03/08/2022 00:11

I’m heartbroken to be honest. I just don’t understand why he doesn’t trust me it really hurts

OP posts:
Original poster
UhhOhhh · 03/08/2022 08:29

I didn’t sleep much at all last night, I’ve not gone into work because my anxiety is so high. Now I’m sitting here worrying that he’ll find this suspicious and how to handle it when he gets home

OP posts:
TheSandgroper · 03/08/2022 08:53

Can he track your phone? Do you need to consider deleting/turning it off?

Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 03/08/2022 08:55

This abuse and you need advice about how to leave and protect yourself and your children safely.

sunsetsandsandybeaches · 03/08/2022 09:00

UhhOhhh · 03/08/2022 00:11

I’m heartbroken to be honest. I just don’t understand why he doesn’t trust me it really hurts

Because he's an abusive drug user.

It's nothing you've done - this is 100% him.

jammiewhammie65 · 03/08/2022 09:07

UhhOhhh · 02/08/2022 23:47

Yes I hear what your saying and I’m coming close to the same conclusion. However, we’ve been together for 20+ years and have children. Until this happened we’ve had a very trusting relationship. I don’t know if I’m ready to give up on him yet

Then he needs to get help from a counsellor it's a mental illness

Original poster
UhhOhhh · 03/08/2022 09:26

If I try and make him see that he’s being crazy he says I’m gaslighting him.

I know what will happen. He’ll apologise and things will be ok for a while, he won’t get any help. Then it will happen again, but I’ll be worried and second guessing myself the whole time. Why after 20 years has he just started all this

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 03/08/2022 09:32

If I try and make him see that he’s being crazy he says I’m gaslighting him

If you try to discuss issues within your relationship and your partner says that's abusive, you need to leave. Just on the strength of that. It's called a relationship because it's two people who relate to each other well. If he thinks you're doing all this stuff and then thinks you're being abusive when you try to talk to him about what he thinks, you're not relating to each other at all.

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 03/08/2022 10:44

Oh @UhhOhhh this is not something that you can help him with. Nothing you say or do will change how he now thinks. This is ENTIRELY HIS PROBLEM.

And that means that only HE can fix it. If he doesn't get help for it, you will have to leave him.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 03/08/2022 13:55

This is so abusive. I would be worried about this escalating to violence. He needs to go.

AgentJohnson · 03/08/2022 13:59

You aren’t responsible for his behaviour and his paranoia isn’t a reaction to anything you have or haven’t done. You can’t support a solution if he doesn’t take responsibility for his mh by seeking out professional support.

His behaviour is controlling and abusive to you and it doesn’t matter what triggered it, it isn’t your responsibility to manage and you deserve better.

You need to start prioritising your mh by distancing yourself from him and his abuse.

Xpologog · 03/08/2022 14:15

You’re not going to win this.
He’s controlling.
He uses cocaine “occasionally” — that you know about. Could be using anything. I know cannabis can cause MH problems including paranoia.
Your dc see his behaviour and will learn this is how adult males behave ( domineering, controlling) and woman behave ( anxious, scared )
Either he leaves or you do. I’d speak to a solicitor and get him out for controlling behaviour.