How do I cope with this? OH’s paranoia

[UhhOhhh]

For the last 8 months my partner has become severely paranoid. He’s has started timing me to see how long I take to get home from work. He tracks my every move. One night I wasn’t hungry and he took that to mean I’m cheating. There have been loads of crazy examples of him getting it into his head that I’m cheating, to make it clear - I’m absolutely not and never have.

i think what started this off is that for the last 4 years his best mate has been having an affair with his girlfriends best childhood friend. My OH knew about this and kept the secret. I’m very close to the friends girlfriend. She would confide in me that he was being emotionally abusive to her and I would tell me OH. Eventually it got too much for him to bear and he told me about his friends affair. I of course told the girlfriend straight away. The shit really hit the fan and there’s been a massive fall out in the friends group. It turns out that his friend was also having an affair with another friends little sister and this has also caused a fuck ton of problems. The guy is a complete arsehole and has ruined a lot of lives. Im glad they are not friends anymore.

Ever since then the bouts of paranoia have begun. He says that he’s seen what people are capable of and it’s scared him. I cannot live like this for much longer. Im worried whenever I come home to what I’m going to face. I just don’t know what to do. Any advise?

He either speaks to a professional to get help for his toxic behaviour that’s killing your relationship or he leaves.

if he won’t get help he’s showing you how little his words mean.

he’s the one destroying your relationship not you. This is no way to live.

His behaviour is escalating and he no longer cares about your emotional well being. Please, please take his deteriorating behaviour seriously and protect yourself.

He’s made an apology for yesterday. Says he doesn’t want to leave and that he’ll go to the GP. He says it will end today and that he knows he has to change.

i just feel so flat. Do I do what I know I should do and insist he leaves or give him
one more chance?

I would tell him that he needs to leave, engage wholeheartedly in therapy, and only then, when he is fit to be in a relationship with you, will you start to see him again.

It will take years, btw.

You need to be prepared. What he will tell you is either;
a/yes he will do that, or:
b/That he is going to change, that he is going to call a therapist and arrange something, and he would like you to stick around and support him through it.

A means there is hope, but b means that he is not actually going to do anything at all and that you need to leave him now. Do not fall for b whatever you do.

My ex did this. HE cheated on me and it was literally only after I found out and stupidly stayed that he became posessive and paranoid. Basically he knew what he had gotten away with and became afraid I would do it back to him. He also took cocaine the odd time. Are you sure he hasnt cheated?

This just doesn't make sense. He knows about a man cheating on a partner, he covered for this man for several years. When he told you the truth, YOU blew it open because you can't abide cheats.

It's your DP who has shown a high tolerance for cheating here and blaming his shit head friend for his paranoia is codswallop.

Either he is cheating himself and terrified of getting caught and the anxiety is manifesting as paranoia that you're the one playing away; or he's actually having proper MH problems which need urgent medical attention.

Given that he seems able to stop his behaviour when you get firm with him, I'm leaning towards him cheating. That said, people with ocd etc can temporarily try to change their behaviour when given an ultimatum. It doesn't last though.

I'd so suspect perhaps more drug use going on than you're aware of.

Regardless of the cause I think you need to remove yourself and the children from this situation. It's now at the point where it's affecting your MH and it must be curtailing your life too and affecting the kids.

How many one-more-chances has he had already, and how many more are you prepared to give him?
If he does go to the GP you have no idea what he will say to them. There’s every possibility he won’t tell it like it is.

He sounds dangerous!

I would suspect he is having or has had an affair, people in his friendship group know about it, and he's terrified you will find out now. Sorry, OP.