How to get over living with a permanent hostility that you can’t escape?

[Ouye]

My ex left me when pregnant. I was absolutely devastated. It was horrendous. We’d argued. He wasn’t perfect either. But he just cut me off and to this day, has never even had a conversation with me. I asked many times even for DS’s sake, he never once spoke to me again. I loved him a lot and would have appreciated a conversation to just put things to bed even if we weren’t together. I asked him this when pregnant and was ignored.

3 years on ive had to claim maintenance as he wouldn’t talk about it. We’ve never spoken. It makes me feel so shit as I hate hostility with anyone and i can’t believe this has happened with my child’s dad. I thought in time it would get easier but I went on a date recently and the topic of ex’s came up and I realised how fucked up the situation is. I don’t really know why it ended. I don’t know why we have never spoken. I don’t know why he’s never met DS. When it comes to answering these questions and thinking about it, I feel so depressed and sad. I think even if we had spoken for a few minutes then I would have moved on better but he refused.

How do I live with this?

Given that he isn't in your DCs life you need to forget him. It would be worse if he had contact EOW but as he doesn't life has to move on. I assume he's paying maintenance - beyond that you cannot force him to be part of DCs life. Keep his info so DC can look for him when they're older if they want. But beyond that move on. It's done.

If you can't move on by yourself consider some counselling?

I just feel like the air was never cleared. It keeps hitting me when people ask about it. Ie dates

Has it occurred to you that what he has done is abuse and the longer you let it ruin your life the more you are supporting /endorsing it OP ?

@Bunty55 i think I considered he was in his rights not to speak initially as I had been pretty shit in arguments and said some horrible things, name calling, called him/parents dysfunctional etc and i was just nasty in rows. I guess I hadn’t considered that what he has done could be abusive, and if it is maybe he is excused given I’m sure what I said was abusive all that time ago. I don’t know. I’m so confused. I just always wanted us to be civil, I don’t know why we couldn’t have had a conversation to air things out given we had DS. It’s been so confusing over the years.

@Ouye you have my full empathy. Whilst not exactly the same situation, mine is very similar in terms of him not having seen our daughter since she was 3 (she’s 10 now). He’s been beyond hostile and overtly unpleasant and manipulative over the years when I’ve tried to get him to behave half decently (which has never happened). And now, to boot, he pays no maintenance and has fully lied to the CMS- who are unspeakably useless (beyond useless- I’d say they’re actively damaging) - but that’s another story.

All I can say is the times I’ve managed to completely put him out of my mind, and had zero expectations of him, have been when I’ve coped best with it. And I know it’s so much easier to say than do.

My daughter is doubtless damaged by it and I struggle to know how to deal with it when she asks questions. All you can do though is answer honestly- and say you simply don’t know because you don’t have the capacity to understand why anyone would behave like that. I tell her she’s better off without him and to trust me on that. Doesn’t make it ok though.

If that is the case then you need to recognise what you have done and move on. Do not communicate with him and get on with your life. Own what you did and leave it behind

How far along was your pregnancy?

did he agree to conceiving a child?

was he happy about the pregnancy?

is he a high earner by any chance?

and lastly you have mentioned a lot of things you said to him but also said he was abusive? How so?

sometimes two people make for a toxic potion!

@oofmehip thanks. Sorry to hear what you’ve experienced. DS hasn’t asked but I just struggle sooo much that this was a man I loved and yes it’s over, I don’t actually want him back obviously, but we couldn’t even speak? Not even once? He never even talked about it all. I feel like it’s this open wound.

@Quitelikeit yeah it was planned, left late on a couple of weeks before birth. It was really abrupt. He was just quite miserable, very distant, moody, would be offhand and I just felt like a huge inconvenience to him. Looking back a lot of how I felt may have been hormonal. I don’t know. I just can’t understand why we’d never have had a chat afterwards, why we’d not have even been civil. I can’t understand it to this day.

@Quitelikeit and no not a particularly high earner, average. Is that relevant to it all?

What a ridiculous comment. Being nasty in a row is magnitudes of order away from abandoning your own baby and her pregnant mother. Additionally, you cannot “endorse” abusive behaviour by struggling to get over it.

OP, it’s a hell of a situation to cope with. I agree with a pp that it could be helpful to speak to a therapist to help you accept what is past and be able to enjoy focusing on your future with your DD.

Given his ease in cutting off his daughter, he could never have been a good father or partner.

@SparklingLime i just want to talk on the phone, still even now, and just say look I’m sorry, I don’t hate you and i forgive you too. I can’t stand hostility and although I said that in texts at the time, years ago, I can’t bear that he never replied. It feel so awful even now and not because I want him back, because life feels so dark with any hostility. I don’t have it without anyone else in my life.

I don’t think it’s now hostility, OP, but an absence. Which you seriously need to deal with and accept, otherwise you and your DS will pay the price.

The ‘closure’ you want to achieve with your ex is not available to you. So you need to reach your own acceptance of it, and understandably you probably need some help with that.

@SparklingLime i know, it’s just so sad isn’t it. We can’t even be civil and I don’t even know why. We can even clear the air and move on. Just this horrible thing that happened and we never spoke since. It’s not usual is it, even if we never spoke again, it didn’t need to be like this.

It did need to be like this because he refused to speak to you. That was brutal of him, but that is the reality.

@SparklingLime yes and I can’t control that can I. it’s just not how I am, I’m too soppy and think life is too short. I’d never leave anything like that with friends or anyone. I know you’re right though - he chose that and that’s that.

How low, morally, has someone got to be to be able to walk away and never see their child.

Pretty damn low. Did he have poor morals when you were together?

My cousin has a child he never sees. He saw her for the first few years while with his ex but as soon as they split, he cut his ex and everything associated with her (including their child) out of his life. He is an absolute arsehole in general. No empathy, he's a compulsive liar and has a very low IQ (tested as a child). He's shallow and insecure.

Basically, he couldn't think of anyone but himself. So when the relationship ended, he didn't see a reason to keep in touch. The child wouldn't add anything to his life and he certainly wouldn't entertain having anything to do with an ex. So off he went to the next victim.

As sad as your situation is, and I can understand why it's left you feeling so unsettled, I honestly think he's done your kid a favour. Much better to not be involved at all, than to be a half assed, let down father, who promises the world and never delivers. At least you be sure your child won't have him as a role model.

It's no reflection on you, your ex is likely a sociopath who has awful morals and no sense of duty. Good riddance to him.

@WidgetDigit2022 the only thing I ever heard at the time and this is going back now but apparently he told a friend that I was ‘a nightmare’ and he didn’t ‘want anything to do with me.’ Which presumably meant DS too. I text saying please be reasonable, let’s talk and be civil etc etc. He ignored everything and I think he must genuinely feel it’s best for him to not be involved. Someone who always told me he couldn’t wait to be a dad :( emotionally I feel nothing for him and don’t want to be with him but it’s so awful feeling like there’s this cloud that was never talked about, especially with DC’s dad. It’s just so sad to me. He’s obviously doing well in life as my CM went up to 800 recently. Just so sad I couldn’t have said on the phone look I’m sorry let’s draw a line and try and form a friendship or civil relations.

What is really bothering you about the situation? What's the core pain for you?

Are you feeling like you pushed him away? Like you are somehow responsible?

I'm just wondering what your raw feelings about him are?

What @WidgetDigit2022 said. I think it troubles you so much OP because you feel like it was something that happened together and therefore is part of your responsibility to atone for. Nope, he chose and did that all by himself. It’s not your bad vibes OP, not your music. Don’t let it feel like it reflects on you or has any flavour of you yourself: it doesn’t. It’s depressing to consider how he treats people and lives his life but it’s nothing to do with you. Think ahead, especially if you’re dating. How do you avoid coming into close contact or being vulnerable around heartless people like your ex in the future? Good luck.

@crispsndip and @WidgetDigit2022 I think being totally honest I feel guilt for how I lashed out at him and things I said. I know he wasn’t great to me, he made me feel rubbish and he was moody and difficult even when I tried very very hard to be kind to him. But it doesn’t take back what I said and I shouldn’t have snapped at times. So one part is guilt and I want him to hear that I am sorry. The second is thoughts that if I hadn’t snapped and got so upset about his behaviour then he may well be around for DS. And that’s a different sort of guilt.

There is genuinely no desire to re spark a relationship, I just want the air to be cleared and to understand why he has never met DS. I don’t want anything else from him.

@crispsndip and @WidgetDigit2022 ive actually not bothered to get in touch for months and months now. I had to stop when DS was a few months old as the sieve was so painful. I don’t want to contact him again as it’s just damaging to me but I still struggle with how to get out of this hostile feeling. We had such a lovely relationship once and I can’t believe me and DS were never worth a conversation.

You owe it to yourself and your son to see a counsellor.

It sounds you both made mistakes in the relationship. Perhaps in hindsight you'd have done things differently, but don't you think we can all say that? No one is perfect and I'd be surprised if anyone can honestly say they've never treated a loved one poorly before.

But leaving your child without a dad, with no option to even get to know each other, goes beyond anything you could have done. Heck, you could have beat your boyfriend up and you'd still hope he'd have wanted to support his own child.

You need to speak to someone about it. Who can help you process what happened.

Who can make you see that you can only be responsible for your own actions. Yes, you were nasty in arguments. But HE chose to walk away from your son. You and your son are two different people. Shame on him for punishing your son over something he had no control over.

You deserve happiness. Your son is undoubtedly better off not knowing your ex, I just hope you can frame it for him so that he can be happy about the life he has got and realises it's not his fault (or yours) that his dad is choosing to stay away.

You’re not looking for closure, you’re looking for forgiveness but you are unfortunately looking in the wrong place.

Sadly, your Ex won’t be the first or the last man, who gave himself permission to abandon his child. My Dad abandoned me and so did DD’s dad. Society has very low expectations of men regarding parenthood, for many it’s still very much an optional even after a child is born.

Closure is the gift you give to yourself and isn’t bestowed by anyone else.