How to get over living with a permanent hostility that you can’t escape?

[Ouye]

My ex left me when pregnant. I was absolutely devastated. It was horrendous. We’d argued. He wasn’t perfect either. But he just cut me off and to this day, has never even had a conversation with me. I asked many times even for DS’s sake, he never once spoke to me again. I loved him a lot and would have appreciated a conversation to just put things to bed even if we weren’t together. I asked him this when pregnant and was ignored.

3 years on ive had to claim maintenance as he wouldn’t talk about it. We’ve never spoken. It makes me feel so shit as I hate hostility with anyone and i can’t believe this has happened with my child’s dad. I thought in time it would get easier but I went on a date recently and the topic of ex’s came up and I realised how fucked up the situation is. I don’t really know why it ended. I don’t know why we have never spoken. I don’t know why he’s never met DS. When it comes to answering these questions and thinking about it, I feel so depressed and sad. I think even if we had spoken for a few minutes then I would have moved on better but he refused.

How do I live with this?

Thanks @AgentJohnson i guess that’s true. I carry a lot of blame i suppose. He was a nice man and we had such great times that I can’t help thinking hmmm what did I do?! I think even if he emailed saying ‘it’s ok im happy and want to move on without you both,’ I wouod be able to draw a line as I could almost blame him for not being part of DS’s life if that makes sense. But now it feels on me.

His silence is your answer though.

if you receive £800 a month maintenance the guy is clearly a high earner.

its hard to know if he thought you were truly a toxic person and co parenting with you was not an option for him?

I do wonder why he encouraged you to have a baby that he was not going to be interested in?

i do feel that perhaps there is more to this story?

I think he might be punishing you for having the child? Do you think he is?

@Quitelikeit but why does it matter if he’s a high earner? Yes he probably would say co parenting wasn’t an option. At least I assume he would, he’s never said. There’s nothing else to it than what I’ve said. He thought I spoke I him horrifically (I did), I apologised many time and he ignored me. He didn’t reply about CM so had to apply. It was all very abrupt.

It matters if he wanted the child because if he didn’t therein lies a big clue why he has gone?

you haven’t said how far on you were when he left?

There surely was some discussion about the baby.

a high earner, so not someone totally clueless?

im only asking about these things as I think they are relevant as I’m trying to understand the scenario a bit more

@Quitelikeit yes he said he wanted the baby. I even asked that directly. And yes I guess not totally clueless which is why I’ve found it so strange all this time. He disappears really near the end and I kept in touch or tried to until DS was here. He knew the due date.

So what did his family think? We’re they not excited about the baby? Surely they’ve asked questions

It does just seem random when I’m thinking he was there until near your due date.

maybe he grew up in toxic surroundings and thought he’d not make a good parent? Maybe he thought it was the right thing to do by the child? Not exposing him to your relationship

@Quitelikeit i just don’t have the answers. His family literally never spoke to me. I contacted them about DS and had no reply. They seem uninterested too. He didn’t grow up in the most functional family but I did tell
him many times I just wanted us to be civil snd he could see DS anytime. I don’t know what more I could have done. It’s not like I was a one night stand we were together a few years.

oh pet. Unmumsnetty expression there. But I have an abusive x and have experienced the struggle to forgive somebody who isn't looking for your forgiveness.

Have you heard of Pete Walker? He has a book on audible called the tao of fully feeling and I loved it. It's about anger. We should feel it. It's to protect us. From going back, from more of the same in a different wrapper. It helps us stay safe. Usually our anger is sign posting to us what we need to protect ourselves from.

we need to feel the anger before we can even think about forgiving.

He left you bearing 100% of the responsibility and he robbed you of your share of the freedom. He left you with the bulk of the expense and that's even IF you get a cent of maintenance out of him.

I think the only antidote to all of this anger is to build a life where you feel safe and secure and have a level of responsibility that is bearable, where you have some freedom and can manage on your own. A tall order, I know

But ask for help and plan.

I think the antidote to being left high and dry is to be certain you are safe and secure (financially) with some freedom as a single parent.

3 years is very early in to this journey ykwim.

it gets better.

He abandoned you and your son. Stop wanting to clear the air with someone who did something so cruel to you and continues to cruelly abandon his child and refuse you a reason why.

He is a cruel man. He probably always was underneath. That's why he's done and has continued to do it. He probably likes that it hurts you.

It’s not a permanent hostility though is it? He is not in your life, he is out of it, there is no contact, my kids dad is absent so I get it but can’t see how it’s a permanent hostility as the person is now literally a stranger to you, and he is earning a considerable amount of money to have to pay £800 a month not sure why you said it was average? My kids dad had to pay £7 a week and that was for 4 children 🤦🏻