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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Stuck in this relationship (sensitive content regarding child abuse)

45 replies

woochnou · 02/08/2022 17:59

Hi everyone.
My husband was arrested for watching videos of child abuse. He admitted to watching kids 5 and older (and 'accidentally' clicking on videos of toddlers).
We have a baby together.

I tried to leave but he told me that if I did, it would get very messy and he would apply for 50/50 custody.

I don't want my son unsupervised and overnight with him.

I'm stuck.
Please help me

OP posts:
Namechangetime89 · 02/08/2022 18:01

Im sorry you’re in this situation

surely if he has been charged with watching videos of child abuse he won’t be allowed contact and unsupervised visits? You’re not stuck, you have options - I’d leave now

YawnYawnYawn00 · 02/08/2022 18:05

He wouldn't get 50/50 custody.
You are completely right to not leave him unsupervised around your child - EVER.
What support do you have?
Do you have any family or friends who can support you in leaving? Or can you contact Womens Aid?

BlanketsBanned · 02/08/2022 18:06

Its not his decision, it will be up to the Courts to decide the risk he poses and what visitation he can get.. do you have somewhere safe, is your baby safe, whats the house situation, are social services involved.

Original poster
woochnou · 02/08/2022 18:11

YawnYawnYawn00 · 02/08/2022 18:05

He wouldn't get 50/50 custody.
You are completely right to not leave him unsupervised around your child - EVER.
What support do you have?
Do you have any family or friends who can support you in leaving? Or can you contact Womens Aid?

I really hope so.
I don't have family or friends here, we moved here not too long ago for his job. My family lives abroad unfortunately.
I contacted Women's Aid and they gave me the contact details of two organisations that can help me get legal advice. They're closed right now so I'll get in touch with them tomorrow

OP posts:
Original poster
woochnou · 02/08/2022 18:13

BlanketsBanned · 02/08/2022 18:06

Its not his decision, it will be up to the Courts to decide the risk he poses and what visitation he can get.. do you have somewhere safe, is your baby safe, whats the house situation, are social services involved.

He's very manipulative.
He almost convinced the investigator that all he did was accidentally click on videos of 16 year old teenagers.
I was terrified she would drop the case (I had proof it wasn't true) but the case was passed on to another department and they're still investigating it.

His bails conditions are that he's not allowed unsupervised contact with minors.
Social services have requested for me to safeguard the baby while my husband's home.

OP posts:
Triffid1 · 02/08/2022 18:15

Quite honestly, I'm surprised that social services is okay with the baby living with him at all, even with you there. Leave now, take the baby, and laugh when he thinks he'll get 5050 custody. That's just a control technique.

kshaw · 02/08/2022 18:15

Unfortunately I found myself in a situation with someone who was on the sex offenders register for the same reasons. He is not allowed to spend any time with his child. He could maybe try to have contact through a contact centre. He will not get unsupervised visits whatsoever. Leave him and don't look back. He's manipulating you for his own gain.
And I call bullshit over accidently clicking on that ...if you did you'd report it to the police etc as it would freak you out, not sit and watch it. Disgusting human

VanillaSpiceCandle · 02/08/2022 18:15

Either kick him out of your house or leave yourself. Why would you think you have to stay with him? So what if custody gets messy?

Curlusu · 02/08/2022 18:20

Sorry you have to deal with this

BlanketsBanned · 02/08/2022 18:45

What do social services mean you have to safegaurd your baby, isnt that the job of the police, probation services and social services. Why is he allowed to live with you and a baby. If he is not allowed unsupervised access to minors then that includes your baby.

FlorettaB · 02/08/2022 18:47

Would your family be supportive of you leaving him?

converseandjeans · 02/08/2022 18:50

You need to move back to where your support network is. I doubt he would have any unsupervised access. In fact you risk more by staying with him.

Asilisa76 · 02/08/2022 18:53

You will likely feel much better after you have spoken to the DA organisations tomorrow. Dependant on your financial situation you may be able to obtain legal aid and ask the Court for an Occupation Order for him to leave the home. You need to be telling Social workers that he is being coercive towards you (which he is) they will then have a better understanding of the dynamics and be able to help you as well.

Jellycatspyjamas · 02/08/2022 19:11

What an awful situation - I’d echo explaining how social work the coercive control on his part, they can then take steps to safeguard you and your child. You can’t be on guard all the time in your own home, so he needs to go somewhere else.

I don’t know which organisations you were referred to but Stop It Now are experts in supporting families where someone is under investigation. They have a really good helpline so maybe contact them too?

Sapphirensteel · 02/08/2022 20:00

“I was terrified she would drop the case (I had proof it wasn't true) but the case was passed on to another department and they're still investigating it.”

I hope you’ve handed over any proof to the police?
I doubt he’d ever be given 50/50 , or even unsupervised access. TBH , if I thought my child might stay with him and my family are overseas, I’d just go. He can have the expense of fighting to get your child back.
If he’s charged by the police I think you can ask them to remove him from the home , probably to a bail hostel but a so,I it or should be able to advise you.

2boysand1princess · 02/08/2022 20:28

woochnou · 02/08/2022 17:59

Hi everyone.
My husband was arrested for watching videos of child abuse. He admitted to watching kids 5 and older (and 'accidentally' clicking on videos of toddlers).
We have a baby together.

I tried to leave but he told me that if I did, it would get very messy and he would apply for 50/50 custody.

I don't want my son unsupervised and overnight with him.

I'm stuck.
Please help me

If he was arrested and he has bail conditions set that include not being alone with minors, then surely he can’t fight to have your DC if you were to leave him?
I’m sorry, but I’m shocked you haven’t left him. Why are you staying with a man who is into something like that? He’s admitted it to you. I can’t understand how any mother would be so forgiving of something as sinister and evil as that.

alnawire · 02/08/2022 20:31

I just don't understand. Why is he with you? Physically there I mean? Why did you let him come back? Why? There is not a single part of me that would allow a paedophile live in the same house as my child.

EmergencyHepNeeded · 02/08/2022 20:33

To be honest, I would be getting on the plane to my family and I'd deal with it from there. He's not gonna get 50-50, don't worry about that, he won't even get unsupervised contact.

SammyScrounge · 02/08/2022 20:38

woochnou · 02/08/2022 17:59

Hi everyone.
My husband was arrested for watching videos of child abuse. He admitted to watching kids 5 and older (and 'accidentally' clicking on videos of toddlers).
We have a baby together.

I tried to leave but he told me that if I did, it would get very messy and he would apply for 50/50 custody.

I don't want my son unsupervised and overnight with him.

I'm stuck.
Please help me

There's no chance he would get 50/50 custody. He's a paedophile and he'd be lucky to get a supervised visit occasionally. Call his bluff.

ChrisTrepidation · 02/08/2022 20:58

Your husband had admitted to looking at images of child abuse. He's admitted he's a paedophile. The idea that he would get anything other than supervised access to your baby is laughable. I can't believe he's even been allowed to stay in your home with a baby. Can you not tell the police you are afraid for your babies safety and have him removed? If not I would honesty remove myself from the situation. My baby wouldn't be spending another night under the same roof as such a man!

Dery · 02/08/2022 21:06

“Your husband had admitted to looking at images of child abuse. He's admitted he's a paedophile. The idea that he would get anything other than supervised access to your baby is laughable. I can't believe he's even been allowed to stay in your home with a baby. Can you not tell the police you are afraid for your babies safety and have him removed? If not I would honesty remove myself from the situation. My baby wouldn't be spending another night under the same roof as such a man”

This.

Maybee21 · 02/08/2022 21:11

So is he currently on bail under investigation or has he been charged with anything already?
Bail for these types of offences tends to last a long time and investigations can run into many months or years and while he is on bail (assuming he has not yet been charged with anything) there is a chance that he can just live his life as he wishes (aside from any bail conditions imposed)

I want to stress this really strongly, please leave this man now, or if he is a potential danger to you then leave the next time he leaves the house. Pack up whatever you can fit for you and your baby in a small bag and get the hell away from the house, if you're worried about not having anywhere to go, please go to a police station, explain the situation and tell them you feel that you and your child are in danger and you need assistance to find somewhere safe to stay, they will put you in touch with a DV shelter at the very least.
I feel for you so very much, you are living a nightmare, but please understand that he is a huge danger to your baby and you need to get your baby away from him as soon as it's safe for you to do so.

And he definitely won't get shared custody, he's just trying to manipulate you into staying. Even if he doesn't get convicted it would be a brave judge that would give him any more than supervised visitation at the most.

Good luck OP, I sincerely wish you and your child the best.

takeasadsongandmakeitbetter · 02/08/2022 21:27

Oh OP please get out ASAP if you can. He is clearly very manipulative and will pull out all the stops to try and keep you there and minimise his abhorrent behaviour. He will absolutely not get custody in any capacity due to the charges. If you are able abs want to get back to your family you should do so. Do not let him guilt you, you are not responsible for him. He may play the victim or threaten to hurt himself so it will be best to leave without telling him, but in the meantime keep yourself and your baby safe. Sending you lots of love and strength.

Remember his behaviour is not a reflection of you but you do have to take action as soon as is possible to keep yourself and child safe

PrawnofthePatriarchy · 02/08/2022 21:27

I'm stuck.
Please help me

Read what everyone is telling you. You're not stuck. Your DH is a paedophile and he is in serious legal trouble. He hasn't got a hope of gaining access to your DC.

I can't understand why you haven't kicked him out. Surely social services will be very doubtful about you if you're not doing everything you can to protect your child? And who could blame them.

takeasadsongandmakeitbetter · 02/08/2022 21:31

PrawnofthePatriarchy · 02/08/2022 21:27

I'm stuck.
Please help me

Read what everyone is telling you. You're not stuck. Your DH is a paedophile and he is in serious legal trouble. He hasn't got a hope of gaining access to your DC.

I can't understand why you haven't kicked him out. Surely social services will be very doubtful about you if you're not doing everything you can to protect your child? And who could blame them.

I think that's a little harsh as it appears OP is a victim here too and likely in an abusive relationship but agree that SS may consider that the child isn't safe with the mother unless the mother protects the child so that is a good point. I think OP needs empowering though as is clearly being manipulated and doesn't seem to have a support network - a very scary situation to be in