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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Stuck in this relationship (sensitive content regarding child abuse)

45 replies

woochnou · 02/08/2022 17:59

Hi everyone.
My husband was arrested for watching videos of child abuse. He admitted to watching kids 5 and older (and 'accidentally' clicking on videos of toddlers).
We have a baby together.

I tried to leave but he told me that if I did, it would get very messy and he would apply for 50/50 custody.

I don't want my son unsupervised and overnight with him.

I'm stuck.
Please help me

OP posts:
Original poster
woochnou · 02/08/2022 22:03

Thank you everyone for your responses and advice.

To clarify, I am not trying to protect my husband and I am trying to do what is best for my baby.
I'm the one who called the police when I discovered what my husband had been watching.

I was pregnant at that time, in early labour, and I was just scared and alone. I did what I thought was the best at the time.

The investigator called me to let me know that )although he had admitted everything to the police) my husband denied the charges to the investigator.
They basically told me that they couldn't find anything on the device they had started scanning and that it is very likely not going to amount to anything. They suggested it could all be a misunderstanding (adults dressing up as kids) which is not the case. They then insinuated that I could apply for sole custody under the only motive that I am not comfortable with porn for x y reasons. Not because of child pornography.
I know that no judge would give me full custody just because my husband watches regular porn.
When he came back and I confronted him and tried leaving, he said that he would apply for 50/50 custody, and that's when I got scared.

OP posts:
Maybee21 · 02/08/2022 22:47

OP I am so worried for you and more so for your baby. Please don't let this man manipulate you into staying with him, he will abuse your child.

If there is anything I can do please PM me and I can try to offer advice of some kind (I'm a police officer)

I'm a little confused about the circumstances of him admitting it to the police then denying it to the investigator as both would be police officers but it's not the important thing. The important thing is that you get yourself and your baby away from him. Do you have the financial means to get back to your home country?

Maybee21 · 02/08/2022 22:51

And don't pay any mind to people saying you should've kicked him out immediately etc etc, you're clearly away from your family and support network and in what I imagine is more than likely an abusive relationship, that is a hard thing to walk away from.

But the responsibility does now lie with you to get your baby away from this situation, there is much help available to you if you reach out and know where to go and the questions to ask but you need to make the first step. Your baby's wellbeing literally depends on you right now.

alnawire · 02/08/2022 22:55

The investigator called me to let me know that )although he had admitted everything to the police) my husband denied the charges to the investigator.

What's the difference? Who is the investigator if not the police?

piecesofham · 02/08/2022 23:11

Who is this investigator? He admitted it to the police but the 'investigator' doesn't think that's enough? You've had SS asking you not to leave your child with him but nothing else?
If this is legit you go shouting from the rooftops, back to SS, back to the police and tell them you will safeguard your child and he needs to be removed! If your housing situation is tricky, he owns the house solely or he's the only one on the tenancy tell them you don't feel safe with him in the house with your child at all and you need him removed/ you given a place to stay in the interim.

Original poster
woochnou · 03/08/2022 02:14

They just referred to themselves at the investigator when they called me on the phone.
The police officers he admitted it to were the ones who came to the house to arrest him

OP posts:
Original poster
woochnou · 03/08/2022 02:15

piecesofham · 02/08/2022 23:11

Who is this investigator? He admitted it to the police but the 'investigator' doesn't think that's enough? You've had SS asking you not to leave your child with him but nothing else?
If this is legit you go shouting from the rooftops, back to SS, back to the police and tell them you will safeguard your child and he needs to be removed! If your housing situation is tricky, he owns the house solely or he's the only one on the tenancy tell them you don't feel safe with him in the house with your child at all and you need him removed/ you given a place to stay in the interim.

Thank you.
I will contact my social workers and look into interims

OP posts:
Suzi888 · 03/08/2022 02:22

woochnou · 02/08/2022 22:03

Thank you everyone for your responses and advice.

To clarify, I am not trying to protect my husband and I am trying to do what is best for my baby.
I'm the one who called the police when I discovered what my husband had been watching.

I was pregnant at that time, in early labour, and I was just scared and alone. I did what I thought was the best at the time.

The investigator called me to let me know that )although he had admitted everything to the police) my husband denied the charges to the investigator.
They basically told me that they couldn't find anything on the device they had started scanning and that it is very likely not going to amount to anything. They suggested it could all be a misunderstanding (adults dressing up as kids) which is not the case. They then insinuated that I could apply for sole custody under the only motive that I am not comfortable with porn for x y reasons. Not because of child pornography.
I know that no judge would give me full custody just because my husband watches regular porn.
When he came back and I confronted him and tried leaving, he said that he would apply for 50/50 custody, and that's when I got scared.

Are you in the U.K?

I am astounded the police would knowingly let someone who looks at that material stay in the same house as a baby. Vile and I am glad you reported him.

Original poster
woochnou · 03/08/2022 02:23

Suzi888 · 03/08/2022 02:22

Are you in the U.K?

I am astounded the police would knowingly let someone who looks at that material stay in the same house as a baby. Vile and I am glad you reported him.

Show quote history

Yes, I'm in England

OP posts:
Teadrinkingmumofone · 03/08/2022 02:37

woochnou · 02/08/2022 22:03

Thank you everyone for your responses and advice.

To clarify, I am not trying to protect my husband and I am trying to do what is best for my baby.
I'm the one who called the police when I discovered what my husband had been watching.

I was pregnant at that time, in early labour, and I was just scared and alone. I did what I thought was the best at the time.

The investigator called me to let me know that )although he had admitted everything to the police) my husband denied the charges to the investigator.
They basically told me that they couldn't find anything on the device they had started scanning and that it is very likely not going to amount to anything. They suggested it could all be a misunderstanding (adults dressing up as kids) which is not the case. They then insinuated that I could apply for sole custody under the only motive that I am not comfortable with porn for x y reasons. Not because of child pornography.
I know that no judge would give me full custody just because my husband watches regular porn.
When he came back and I confronted him and tried leaving, he said that he would apply for 50/50 custody, and that's when I got scared.

Doing the best for your baby is leaving. Get out of there, you're not stuck. Do not let your baby out of your sight for one moment.

Thenose · 03/08/2022 03:01

Does he work full time?
Have you always lived in England? Or with your family abroad?
Did he admit to the offence to the police under caution?

If you stay in the house, it will bite you later. The family court judge will say, "You can't have believed he was a paedophile, or you'd never have stayed there with your baby". It doesn't matter what explanation you give; they'll think you're making it up.

Don't let social care's apparent complacency fool you; they are only entitled to impose the minimum necessary restrictions. Which, in your case, is supervised contact. That doesn't mean this course of action is the one most conducive to the best outcomes for you and your baby further down the line. That course of action is immediate no contact.

Currently, the information social care has is that an unproven allegation has been made. If the police find something on his tech, social care will be straight back around asking why you stayed with a man you knew to be a child sex offender.

Leave immediately, or you'll be kicking yourself later. This is the best opportunity you will get for support to move and to strengthen your credibility in future family court proceedings.

Original poster
woochnou · 03/08/2022 03:27

Thenose · 03/08/2022 03:01

Does he work full time?
Have you always lived in England? Or with your family abroad?
Did he admit to the offence to the police under caution?

If you stay in the house, it will bite you later. The family court judge will say, "You can't have believed he was a paedophile, or you'd never have stayed there with your baby". It doesn't matter what explanation you give; they'll think you're making it up.

Don't let social care's apparent complacency fool you; they are only entitled to impose the minimum necessary restrictions. Which, in your case, is supervised contact. That doesn't mean this course of action is the one most conducive to the best outcomes for you and your baby further down the line. That course of action is immediate no contact.

Currently, the information social care has is that an unproven allegation has been made. If the police find something on his tech, social care will be straight back around asking why you stayed with a man you knew to be a child sex offender.

Leave immediately, or you'll be kicking yourself later. This is the best opportunity you will get for support to move and to strengthen your credibility in future family court proceedings.

Yes he works full time
I've moved to the UK 5 years ago.
Hes admitted to the offense under caution.

I have recordings of him admitting everything too

I will contact a lawyer and sort accommodation out tomorrow in order to leave

OP posts:
northernlola · 03/08/2022 03:46

I am so pleased to see you intend to leave. As others have said, there is no way he'll be granted 50% custody. Awful situation you find yourself in. You did the right thing reporting him to police. You absolutely must leave and must protect your baby from him.

Original poster
woochnou · 03/08/2022 04:19

northernlola · 03/08/2022 03:46

I am so pleased to see you intend to leave. As others have said, there is no way he'll be granted 50% custody. Awful situation you find yourself in. You did the right thing reporting him to police. You absolutely must leave and must protect your baby from him.

Thank you for your kind and reassuring words.

I feel so betrayed and heartbroken. My husband was my everything and it turned out he wasn't the person I thought I knew

OP posts:
Original poster
woochnou · 03/08/2022 04:52

Does anyone know how long my baby and I would be allowed in a refuge if we went in one of them?

OP posts:
northernlola · 03/08/2022 05:24

You are allowed to stay in a refuge until you have somewhere appropriate to move onto. It could be a good short term option for you. I take it you aren't getting much sleep tonight!? Understandable 💐

daretodenim · 03/08/2022 06:00

Hey OP,
You said you called the police and you did what you thought was best at the time.

Just to be clear, you did absolutely the right thing., not just the best at the time. You did the very best. And whatever happens with the police, you still did the best thing.

And I'm glad you're leaving, but sorry his actions have put you in this situation. Flowers

FreudayNight · 03/08/2022 06:29

EmergencyHepNeeded · 02/08/2022 20:33

To be honest, I would be getting on the plane to my family and I'd deal with it from there. He's not gonna get 50-50, don't worry about that, he won't even get unsupervised contact.

This.

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 03/08/2022 07:14

While family courts can be shite they aren’t going to give 50/50 custody to someone who’s admitted to child sex offences. Don’t let him let you believe he would. A refuge varies but it should give you long enough to make plans.

Whitehorsegirl · 03/08/2022 08:39

Honestly: why would you still be with a man who has done this and let your child be under the same roof as him?

I would have left him/kicked him out the minute I heard he had been watching this filth. Period.

Leave him for your sake and for your kid's.

You are not stuck. If he is threatening you and you don't feel safe, involve the police. Tell them you want him to leave the house and change the locks. Or pack your stuff and find a shelter for women.

A man convicted of watching indecent images of children will not do well in a custody case either so do not worry about what happens when you divorce him.

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