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Original poster

Husband not wanting to spend birthday with me

33 replies

KeZa34555 · 02/08/2022 13:10

Hello my husband has just told me that he wants to spend time with his friends on his birthday and go drinking with them instead of seeing me we've been together 12 years and says because it falls on a Saturday he would like to go drinking it will be another 7 years before its on a Saturday again and that I get to hog him on every other year. It's our anniversary day after so we wil be having a meal then. He says I am selfish because I am angry and hurt.
Am I in the wrong ?

OP posts:
LuaDipa · 02/08/2022 13:12

Sorry but yes you are. It’s his birthday and he usually spends it with you. He’s entitled to fancy a change.

Tayegete · 02/08/2022 13:12

If you are seeing each other the next day I think it’s reasonable for him to want to spend time with friends. I would be really upset about the comment about hogging him all year though.

ComtesseDeSpair · 02/08/2022 13:13

It’s his birthday and I think it’s up to him to choose what he’d like to do to celebrate, especially as the two of you already have plans to spend the following day together. I can’t imagine being “angry and hurt” because my partner wanted to see his friends on his own birthday tbh, unless we didn’t see very much of each other because we loved apart, which doesn't seem the case here.

CalistoNoSolo · 02/08/2022 13:14

Personally, I would tell him to go out with his friends and not come back.. But no doubt you will have loads of excuses as to why he's such a great husband so you'll stay with him and put up with his shitty behaviour for another 12 years.

CalistoNoSolo · 02/08/2022 13:15

Ignore all that. Its his birthday not yours so he gets to spend it how he wants.

BirdsBirdsBird · 02/08/2022 13:19

YANBU I would be hurt if DH wanted to spend his birthday away from me. I can see why he would like to see his friends, but think we would plan something together, rather than leaving me at home.

TemperTrap · 02/08/2022 13:22

His comment about you hogging him was shitty but is there any truth to it? Does he get to go out and see his friends and do you?

I do think you're wrong about his birthday he gets to choose what he does and you have plans the following day anyway.

Funkykitty · 02/08/2022 13:26

Can you both not do something together during the day and he go out with his friends that nite?

Jericha · 02/08/2022 13:36

You're not wrong for feeling disappointed but YABU for feeling hurt/angry.

bloodyplanes · 02/08/2022 13:38

Yes you are being selfish. Its his birthday let him spend it how he wants.

sleepymum50 · 02/08/2022 13:45

I would be hurt that if you’re not even invited to join him with his friends, I would also be worried that he might be hungover the next day.

However, look on the positive side, this opens up the possibilities for your own birthdays. He has set a precedent for not being together so you can do anything you want now.

TheLionTheWitchAndTheChesterDraws · 02/08/2022 13:53

Whether you’re in the wrong for feeling how you do depends very much on the circumstances, I think.

Are you quite demanding of his time? Do you get annoyed when he wants to see his friends? Or spend time without you? Is he free to socialise without a guilt trip? The ‘hogging him’ comment is quite interesting. If this is the case then, yes, you are in the wrong. The tighter you hold those reins, the more he’s going to resent you.

If he is able to come and go as he pleases and see whomever he wants without being made to feel like he’s a terrible person, then I can completely see why you’d be hurt that he didn’t want to spend at least part of that day with you as well, even if it were just for a nice lunch before he goes out with his friends in the evening. But, essentially, it’s his birthday and he can spend it how he likes.

girlmom21 · 02/08/2022 13:59

How much time do you spend together on a normal day?

Could you go for breakfast?

Original poster
KeZa34555 · 02/08/2022 13:59

My husband goes to gym 3 4 times a week plays football up to 3 times a week goes drinking with his friends so yesh he does what he wants. The hogging comment he made is that ive spent the last 11 birthdays with him because I've paid for a meal for him or booked a hotel so I've hogged him.

OP posts:
Aprilx · 02/08/2022 14:02

Yes I think you are in the wrong here. Being hurt and angry because he chooses to spend one birthday in twelve years with his friends is ridiculous and in fact I struggle to even comprehend.

I thought you were going to say he doesn’t want to spend your birthday with you, that would be another matter. Or maybe if you had only just met and you had been looking forward to spending his first birthday since you got together with him. But after twelve years, come on now.

bluekostree · 02/08/2022 14:05

We always do something nice to celebrate rare birthdays but it doesn't have to be on the actual day. My dh was in vegas for his actual birthday with his mates- I was happy for him and he had a great time.

TeapotTitties · 02/08/2022 14:09

YABU, especially as you're going out for a meal with him the following day.

I always go out with my friends for my birthday and with my husband separately. Neither has to be on my actual birthday.

Vikinga · 02/08/2022 14:16

It wouldn't bother me but then I don't mind celebrating on different days to the actual birthday. Presume you'll see him in the day?

Mysteriousnotice · 02/08/2022 14:19

KeZa34555 · 02/08/2022 13:59

My husband goes to gym 3 4 times a week plays football up to 3 times a week goes drinking with his friends so yesh he does what he wants. The hogging comment he made is that ive spent the last 11 birthdays with him because I've paid for a meal for him or booked a hotel so I've hogged him.

Do you not spend much time together? From experience I'd say there's a reason for that. I think the birthday is highlighting the actual issue.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 02/08/2022 14:20

Yabu.

Justcallmebebes · 02/08/2022 14:33

Wouldn't bother me especially if we were doing something together the next day. I get sick of mine quite easily tho and he probably feels the same way

wherearebeefandonioncrisps · 02/08/2022 14:42

It wouldn't bother me in itself but if he is also going drinking with his mates in the week as well as play football three times a week and gym 3 times a week then I'd think that you've got bigger issues than his birthday celebration.

AryaStarkWolf · 02/08/2022 16:36

Yes you're in the wrong

LittleOwl153 · 02/08/2022 16:40

His attitude towards you and the little time he appears to spend with you anyway would lead me to think he has little respect for you and the best anniversary present you could give yourself is a divorce!

(I don't live in my husbands pocket but that to me stinks of a man who is very selfish and expects the little woman to do his bidding)

gannett · 02/08/2022 16:59

Why can't you go out with him and his friends?

These relationships where someone's friends are completely separate from their partner to the extent they can't even go to the pub together are so weird to me.

When I celebrate my birthday I do so with my friends and DP naturally comes along too (or helps host). After 10 years a lot of my friends are his friends as well, and vice versa - it makes life a lot easier.