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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When will it get any easier? ☹️

40 replies

Forevermermaid · 02/08/2022 08:19

Hi all. It’s been just over four weeks since DH told me he’s no longer happy and wants to move to move out (married for 13 years, 2 DC). He says he hasn’t been happy for years (news to me!!) and that it isn’t fair. Refused any counselling etc. Insists there is not a OW although I’ve lost all trust in what he says.To be honest, that’s irrelevant really. My marriage is over regardless.

I’ve somehow survived these past weeks and have read and researched til my head can’t take it anymore. Had a Solictor’s appointment, started counselling and today have a mortgage appointment as I’ll be buying him out. We have discussed childcare and finances and actually that’s been quite amicable and we have been able to reach an informal agreement. Obviously I’m aware of the formalities that now need to take place.

But this is so bloody hard. I range from devastation, to anger, to rare moments of positivity when I think about what my new future might look like. I’ve had time to reflect and I probably haven’t been happy for a while either.

The coldness and distance from him has been a killer and hurts like hell - I think I’ll be glad when he actually goes (he won’t until he can buy a property with the shared equity) because seeing him every day so detached is just horrendous.

We will be telling our DC as soon as the house plans are more firm and I’m dreading this so much, the thought of their world being changed in an instant kills me 🥺 And the constant brave face I’m putting on to the world is exhausting - but I need to for them, for now.

I’m so tired, so sad and struggle to see how that will ever change. This was not how I imagined life to be at 38. And I really don’t want to become a whining, self obsessed bitter old woman. This can’t life forever now can it? ☹️

OP posts:
RSitf · 02/08/2022 08:23

I was in the same boat a few years ago (not married but ltr).. It is heartbreaking.
The emotions you are feeling are perfectly normal and understandable. Do you have friends you can speak to, family support?
Big hugs

Peasinapod9 · 02/08/2022 08:26

I don’t have any personal experience but I didn’t want to read and run.

My best friend had her heartbroken when her husband left. She was devastated and blindsided. But she is in the best place now and is married to her soulmate. Her life is genuinely so much - SO MUCH - better than it would have been if her husband had stayed.

I don’t know if that helps. But sometimes knowing that other people have come out the other side thriving can be useful?

It sounds like life is really hard at the moment; but it sounds like you’re doing amazingly.

Will your soon to be ex-H not go and sleep in a friend’s spare room / rent somewhere until the sale though? It’ll be hard to move on with him still there.

Sunshineandflipflops · 02/08/2022 08:28

I'm sorry op. I was in the same position at the same age, almost 5 years ago. My dh out of nowhere went cold and distant on me but wouldn't tell me why. Eventually after I asked him again, he told me he wasn't happy, wasn't sure why but wanted to try and work on things (which gave me nothing to go on as I thought we were happy). We limped on for another few weeks with me having no idea how to make things better until I found messages on his ipad between him and a significantly younger work colleague who he was obviously having an affair with.

His bag was packed when he got home from work that day. There is no way I could have shared a house with him a minute longer. We told the dc (11 and 13 at the time) together the next day that we were separating because I just couldn't hide it from them.

I hope there isn't someone else op, but experience (both personal and on here) tells me there probably is. It does happen but not many men just leave a seemingly happy marriage for no reason and you would know, as I would, if he was really that unhappy for years.

It sounds like you are doing everything right but he really needs to leave the family home as it's not fair on anyone. I am over a year into sorting the financials in my divorce (I am also buying my ex out) and even in an amicable divorce, it takes time to get everything sorted to a point where he will have his equity to be able to buy somewhere.

knackeredagain · 02/08/2022 08:31

My heart goes out to you. I was in this position four years ago and it was so hard - and raw. But your last sentence really struck a chord because no, it isn’t forever. There are a lot of stages to go through but you will emerge the other side stronger and with a clearer sense of you, and what you stand for. Your children will too.
It’s a difficult journey, but it sounds like you have started on as positive footing as you can, with your agreements on money and childcare.

Now is a good time to strengthen your female friendships and support networks, and build on any hobbies or whatever that you have. It’s quite overwhelming but those things will be your lifelines.

🌻

GreenManalishi · 02/08/2022 08:36

This is the gruelling bit, it is absolutely exhausting. Hang in there and rest and take as much support ahou can get. It will be over soon, and you'll have peace. The kids will be ok, this won't break them or you. Can he be persuaded to rent a flat for six months? I'd be presuming he has someone else, it's pretty unusual for a man to leave like this without somewhere soft to land, so hopefully that won't be a shock.

You'll be happy again, even if that feels impossible right now.

Lozzerbmc · 02/08/2022 09:31

He is making it more painful for you by staying and so he really needs to move out. He wanted to end the marriage he should go and not wait until the house is sorted its just making it more painful for you. His distance and coldness suggests he may have somebody else I am sorry to say.

AtrociousCircumstance · 02/08/2022 09:34

Yes he ended the marriage and he needs to move out and rent somewhere. He can’t expect you to live with his cold distant presence.

Hang in there Flowers

Original poster
Forevermermaid · 02/08/2022 22:59

Thank you all, your messages mean a lot.

Today has been really hard. Mortgage appointment went well and there will be no issues with me buying him out. Although I did get more than hint of him being determined to get every penny he can - very keen to get a paid for valuation as the mortgage provider one differs from the two estate agent ones we had. He's never once been like this before which makes me sad although of course I recognise that a 50:50 spilt is fair.

I told a good friend today who came to see me - practically sobbed in her for two hours which was quite cathartic. I have told two other really good friends - just working up the strength to tell my parents! So worried they will be disappointed in me for some reason.

He's refusing point blank to move out and rent somewhere whilst we wait for buying out process, says it's empty money. Also told me tonight that there isn't much on rightmove that he likes the look of to buy.

The thought of this dragging out for months, of living with someone who no longer loves or wants me and who acts like they actually dislike me is almost unbearable ☹️ My self esteem and self worth are already so low - every day a little more comes off. I honestly can't imagine ever feeling normal again, let alone being loveable ☹️

OP posts:
TheWhistler2 · 02/08/2022 23:14

@Forevermermaid

Will a 50/50 split be fair? Who is the higher earner and will you be sharing the children 50/50?

My husband left myself and our children in April (he'd been having an affair). There is no way I'll be agreeing to a 50/50 split due to our circumstances, although appreciate yours may be very different. I just wouldn't rush into agreeing to anything, especially as I agree with the others who have said there will likely be an OW.

Sorry you're going through this.

MostlyHappyMummy · 02/08/2022 23:17

Once you've bought him out of the house, he won't be entitled to stay so perhaps make that clear to him

Original poster
Forevermermaid · 02/08/2022 23:25

I'm the higher earner (earn around £10k more than him). He will have the DC two nights a week plus EOW.
I feel a 50:50 equity split is fair and we've decided what we are doing with the rest of the finances.
I say it's fair - nothing about this seems fair right now as it's so out of my control. We were planning to use the equity to move into our 'forever home' All those dreams - gone.
I'm really feeling sorry for myself tonight and I despise myself for it Confused

Having read a lot on MN and having considered his behaviours, I'm pretty sure there is a OW. And if there isn't, I have no doubt there will be one on the scene pretty quickly. He says he's unhappy - I get that relationships sadly end and people fall out of love. It's just a hell of a lot to lose for someone who was once so committed to me and his family.

I wish I could speed time up so that he would just leave and I can start the process of healing and living again Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Forevermermaid · 02/08/2022 23:27

MostlyHappyMummy · 02/08/2022 23:17

Once you've bought him out of the house, he won't be entitled to stay so perhaps make that clear to him

I tried to do this tonight - he told me that this wasn't fair and that I can't do that until he finds somewhere Sad

OP posts:
Longdistance · 02/08/2022 23:28

Gosh, yes. Try and buy him out and off the deeds quickly, do he can fuck off quickly and leave you in peace. He needs to go.

So sorry this is happening to you 💐

redastherose · 02/08/2022 23:31

He has no right to stay once you've bought him out and legally the mortgage provider won't let him. Tell him that and that if he hasn't found anywhere to buy when the mortgage is ready to complete will have to rent and you don't care if he thinks that's not fair.

Longdistance · 02/08/2022 23:31

Get your solicitor to fire off a letter stating that once you’ve bought him out, he needs to go.

BackToNormalish · 02/08/2022 23:33

It doesn't matter if he thinks it's fair or not, the house will be legally yours and you decide who gets to be there. Set some boundaries as you're going to need them (speaking as someone who was the higher earned in my divorce and who's ex waited until the last possible moment to move).

Start getting tough - he's made the decision to leave, which is allowed, but he doesn't get to dictate everything.

I wish you all the very best.

Canabelievethis · 03/08/2022 00:00

Find your fire OP, stand your ground, you have been blindsided and he sounds 100% from his behaviour as though he has been having an affair. Men tend to avoid admitting to it out of shame mostly and cos they don't want to be labelled as an adulterer who broke up their family. STOP cooking, cleaning washing etc for him and make sure he takes 50% responsibility for childcare. Do not bend over backwards trying to be nice just to keep a decent atmosphere at home. It might be a good idea to tell the children sooner than later as they are bound to have picked up on things.

Use this wait time to indulge yourself in some new you time. If you can afford it, go out with friends for dinner, get your hair done, take up a new hobby etc etc - just anything to keep your mind focused on moving forward. My friend in same situation took up power walking, met a new fella along the way and several years later is happier than she ever was with her ex.

You've got this OP. Good luck.

MostlyHappyMummy · 03/08/2022 07:49

He can't have it all his own way. Once you buy him out he needs to go. You can change the locks on him at that point if necessary.
The alternative is to refuse to buy him out until he actually leaves.

Deathraystare · 03/08/2022 08:14

STOP cooking, cleaning washing etc for him and make sure he takes 50% responsibility for childcare. Do not bend over backwards trying to be nice just to keep a decent atmosphere at home

This. Absolutely. Withdraw from him as a wife. He is no longer 'your' responsibility. He made that decision.

Seems to want his cake and eat it. If he is not happy he should move on.

Allicando · 03/08/2022 08:23

Nooooo 50/50 split is NOT fair if you are resident parent with the DC! If you went officially through Solicitors he would not walk away with 50%. Are you sure thats how much you want to give him? When I divorced my first H he got 25% and I got 75% as I had the DC.

I understand the heartbreak, I really do. Having thought I had found my perfect man and remarried I found his profile on a dating website a few months ago and the bottom fell out of my world. I am no longer heartbroken but very angry with him. Just a few weeks on from it being officially over he is dating again. I meanwhile am quietly licking my wounds and have up and down days which is normal I guess. I do think once he has moved out you will be able to heal much quicker. Good luck it is a hard process to go through x

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 03/08/2022 08:25

If there's someone else let her have his sorry arse! Or perhaps she's married?

cvidnurse · 03/08/2022 08:32

OP Of course he needs to leave once you have bought him out. You can literally change the locks that day and leave his bags outside.

He's already getting more than you by having things split 50/50 with you being the resident parent. Don't let him walk all over by dictating how long he stays before strolling off into the sunset with OW.

magaluf1999 · 03/08/2022 09:04

Take advice from the solicitor over the price to negotiate on. I recall it is the average of 3 valuations. So the two you already have should be taken into account.

Watchkeys · 03/08/2022 09:09

My self esteem and self worth are already so low - every day a little more comes off. I honestly can't imagine ever feeling normal again, let alone being loveable

This is what you can do something about... your own view of yourself. The situation might not be as you'd like, but you don't have to put yourself down about it. A happy marriage isn't the only way to have healthy self esteem.

Gsds · 03/08/2022 09:11

i Wouldn’t mention wanting him out as soon as you’ve bought him out again, he may just then stall and drag things outs.
buy him out and then kick him out, get a claim in for maintenance the same day