When will it get any easier? ☹️

[Forevermermaid]

Hi all. It’s been just over four weeks since DH told me he’s no longer happy and wants to move to move out (married for 13 years, 2 DC). He says he hasn’t been happy for years (news to me!!) and that it isn’t fair. Refused any counselling etc. Insists there is not a OW although I’ve lost all trust in what he says.To be honest, that’s irrelevant really. My marriage is over regardless.

I’ve somehow survived these past weeks and have read and researched til my head can’t take it anymore. Had a Solictor’s appointment, started counselling and today have a mortgage appointment as I’ll be buying him out. We have discussed childcare and finances and actually that’s been quite amicable and we have been able to reach an informal agreement. Obviously I’m aware of the formalities that now need to take place.

But this is so bloody hard. I range from devastation, to anger, to rare moments of positivity when I think about what my new future might look like. I’ve had time to reflect and I probably haven’t been happy for a while either.

The coldness and distance from him has been a killer and hurts like hell - I think I’ll be glad when he actually goes (he won’t until he can buy a property with the shared equity) because seeing him every day so detached is just horrendous.

We will be telling our DC as soon as the house plans are more firm and I’m dreading this so much, the thought of their world being changed in an instant kills me 🥺 And the constant brave face I’m putting on to the world is exhausting - but I need to for them, for now.

I’m so tired, so sad and struggle to see how that will ever change. This was not how I imagined life to be at 38. And I really don’t want to become a whining, self obsessed bitter old woman. This can’t life forever now can it? ☹️

Oh OP I am so sorry to hear this. I'm going through something very similar at the moment and it is like grieving. The loss of what you thought your and the DCs future would look like.
Please get a good solicitor, it sounds like he's digging his heels in and you might not even recognise him, he can't have everything how he wants it.

I really feel for you OP. I hope you can come through this with your head held high. None of this sounds as if it is your fault, I think your husband is having an affair, but he can’t move in with the new woman for some reason.

please do invest in a fighting solicitor. The veneer of reasonable discussion is already breaking down , in the squabbling about the house valuation. As for his belief that he can live rent free in a house he doesn’t own…..that’s nonsense, but it’s indicative and significant nonsense.

i wish you all the best.

I have been in your exact situation and yes there was another woman.

Also I handled it all wrong and didn’t force him to leave. His arguments sounded reasonable at the time, he wouldn’t be wasting money, would be better for the children etc .

But it nearly destroyed me and it took much MUCH longer that I thought. It’s almost impossible to start to heal when you are living with someone who hates you and acts in a hateful way.

Your husband is procrastinating already - nothing he likes the look of on Rightmove etc

So he needs to find something, get an offer accepted and then wait ? 5 months ( average time to complete a house sale in England ). That’s assuming it’s not one of the 20% of sales that fall through.

In a best case scenario, you are looking at , what, 9 months to a year ?

One of my problems was that after about 8 months of living like you are, my husband got dumped by OW, so then he wanted to stay to “ try again “ aka wait until he could fill the vacancy . Of course I was not up for that at all, so he then dragged his heels for a very long time as he didn’t want to move out until he had someone else to move in with.

Amd his behaviour deteriorated, as I believed that I was “in the wrong” and “breaking up the marriage “ as “he wanted to stay “ .

It was a very bad situation and I put up with it for WAY too long, because it was always going to be “ just a few more months “ . There was always another excuse.

“There will be more properties on the market after the summer holidays”.
“Ive made an offer but it’s been rejected so I’ve going to wait a few weeks until I’m up to doing more viewings”.
“ The market is slowing down for Christmas but I’m sure Ill get something in the New Year”
“ I can’t view any more houses this month as I’m so busy at work but it will be quieter after the end of the financial year”
“ Great, I’ve had an offer accepted now [ in June ] , hopefully I can move in the summer .

Then that sale fell through in September ( some issues about trees ). And he was away with work in October so he would start looking again in November . Then it was neat Christmas again .

etc etc etc

So my advice to you is to get him out of the house and into rented however you can. Tell you solicitor it’s affecting your mental health( which it is ) and see what can be done legally.

Please please don’t be me - learn from my mistakes.

So everything has to be his way or the highway?

well only if you allow it!

tell him you will not be buying him out if he doesn’t find somewhere to live quickly!

it’s not your problem if he is throwing empty money away renting somewhere!

can he not stay with his parents?

I agree it must be torturous living like this

his problems are not your problems though - don’t let him make them so!

I would not do his laundry or cook his meals

i hope you are going to claim child maintenance from him

when one door closes another opens. You will grieve for your marriage and that is normal but do remember there are other things out there

i wouldn’t bother paying for a solicitors letter either as they will happily take your money and it soon adds up

And also make sure he is paying you fairly whilst staying under your roof!!

Once you have bought him out he absolutely does have to leave. Silly man.

You will get throught this. I'm 8 years past similar and very very happy.

Been there! Sorry you are going through this. My advice is to feel your feelings. Maybe get some counselling. I had some online sessions which really helped. One thing I learned was there is no quick way to get through this. Not every day is good but there is something good in every day!

Im 3 years out now and things are so different. Im happy. I have my own home, I learned to drive. Im good friends with my ex and his new wife.

It takes time and it feels like forever but you will be ok.

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP

I also don't think a 50/50 is fair

First of all, thank you so much to all your replies. It's awful reading how many other women have been in similar situations but so inspiring to read that you have come out the other side - thank you!

Each post has given me a tiny bit of confidence and strength to know that I can do this and that he can't stay here after I've bought him out. I'm usually quite strong but this situation has turned me into a weak mess - I can also recognise that in some aspects I have become so much of a people pleaser with him and to a smaller extent somewhat controlled - and this is something I can work with counsellor with going forward. I really go have more than a glimmer of hope today!

I just wanted to to pick up on something regarding a few posts about whether 50:50 is fair. Very interesting as thats what my solictor had advised me. I'm aware I will be primary caregiver but he will have them 2 nights one week, 4 the next. The other thing is that I am the higher earner and my job is something I am good at and hopefully will continue to progress in. Therefore I guess to me a 50:50 split sounded fair?

We have separate pensions although mine is likely to be much better (have requested figures) as it's a local government one and Ive been paying in for longer. His is one of those newer ones workplace ones. We've agreed not to spilt pensions which I will admit is favourable to me. However, taking on board what a PP said about things already not appearing as amicable as I had though and so will seek more advise about this.

I'll be honest - I just want to get things moving now and start to think about healing, this has been such a shock and so painful. His favourite phrase at the moment is "I know it's hard for you but it's not easy for me either" It infuriates me - he didn't even want to bloody try counselling!!

And breathe!

I've seen your posts before Watchkeys and find them so insightful and helpful.

Thank you - this is absolutely something I will be working on, not just in counselling but in other areas of life too. I've long had issues with self esteem and not feeling good enough. Whilst events have temporality reinforced those negative beliefs, I completely recognise that I and I alone can change these. And not only can - but I must.

Thank you so much for sharing this - you have no idea how much this has helped

So I took the advice of posters on here, pulled on my big girls and put some fire in me! Discussion with DH in which I was very calm but very firm. Pointed out how reasonable I had been but that once the house is mine, then that's it. Explained I need to heal from this.
Upshot of it is - he will be viewing several properties in the next few days and will be moving out once the deeds have transferred, if he hasn't found anywhere he will stay with a friend. This is a positive step - I will however be encouraging him to go before this.
I'm not sure why he is now listening and to be honest it's irrelevant if it's because of a OW. My marriage is absolutely over and I need to start the process of adjusting and learning to like myself again.
I feel very sad as I type this, I really have tried to make this marriage work and I love him very much. But I also have more hope than I did just 24 hours ago.
Next big huddles: telling my parents and then telling DC Still not entirely sure when the best time is to do this.
I feel so scared for the coming months and I wish I could fast forward time - but there is a hint of self belief in me that I can and will get through this.

I could have written this myself - 14 year marriage DH decided to end in January but still hasn't moved out as he "can't afford it". I'm stuck seeing a completely different version of the man i married every day. We have 4 kids and only the eldest knows the truth.
I have no advice, just wanted to let you know you are not alone!

@Forevermermaid well done on taking such decisive action and I hope the does move out as he says he will.

I think you need to prepare yourself that there probably is an OW and he may be moving in with her.

About the children - if it were me ( and look how bad I am at my own life, let alone giving advice ! ) , I’d hold off telling the children until you have a firm date for him to move out andyou have both made plans for him to have the children. That will reduce the uncertainty for them.

So you can say that he is moving to X place on Y date and they will be going there to stay with him ? EOW and on Wednesday nights.

Don’t let him see the children at your house. He needs to start off from day one actually taking responsibility for parenting them - asking their meals, washing their clothes and taking them to their weekly activities. Yes it’s work for him, poor lamb.

Don’t let him come to your house, eat the meals that you cook and lie on your sofa on his phone / watching Netflix / on the PlayStation while you do housework and childcare and call it “ spending time with his children “.

Don’t let him take them out for fun day trips for the occasional Saturday while you stay home cleaning the house .

Don't send them with a bag of clean clothes and come home with dirty one that you wash and iron for him. They need to keep some clothes at his ( preferably that he has bought for then ) and they stay there.

Don’t let him fit times and dates around his social life - he needs to be consistent with his kids. He needs to have them overnight . If he doesn’t have a spare room at his mates, he needs to sleep on the sofa and they can have his bed or get a blow up mattress. The kids will think it’s fun, like camping.

That will soon motivate him to get his own place asap, rented or bought.

Don’t let him go off and lead the life of a single childless man while you do 100% of everything and he gets to play Disney dad.

Sorry hit send too soon . From day one don’t let him plan his life around what he wants and fit the kids in if and when it suits him. He needs to act like single mums all do and put the kids and their needs first and fit everything else around them.

You are good at having these tough talks @Forevermermaid