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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Terrible Sex Life

27 replies

user182022 · 01/08/2022 23:47

I’m a regular poster but NC for this as I feel embarrassed.

DH and I have ended up in a sexless marriage. I can’t even remember the last time, maybe about a year ago.

I don’t want to have sex with him. At all. I love him and the rest of our marriage is good and I desperately miss sex (in general - not with him) but I just can’t stand him touching me and I don’t know what to do to fix it.

We kiss (peck on the lips) and cuddle and are affectionate and I like doing that but that’s it. No kids and we’re only late 30s and been together for about 20 years.

Has anyone overcome something like this before? DH really is missing it and I don’t want him to cheat and I never would but I’m worried what this says about our marriage that I feel like this.

OP posts:

NuffSaidSam · 01/08/2022 23:50

Why don't you want to have sex with him?

Original poster

user182022 · 01/08/2022 23:54

I don’t know @NuffSaidSam , I can’t seem to get to the root of why I so strongly don’t want to. it’s been dwindling down for a few years and got to a point where I could still go through with it for his sake but I can’t anymore.

OP posts:

NuffSaidSam · 01/08/2022 23:56

I think it's the key question. Have you thought about therapy/counselling?

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/08/2022 23:58

Saying you’ve ended up in a sexless marriage is quite hands off and passive. It’s your decision and must be one he finds deeply upsetting.

If you’ve done a year and not been to counselling or talked about it properly it seems unlikely it’ll change. Because you don’t want it to. You want sex but not with him. That’s properly brutal.

So you need to do the right thing and divorce him. He deserves a full life and a marriage which, like most marriages, includes a physical relationship.

Blsp · 01/08/2022 23:59

Let him go, please, for his sake. You're making him miserable, the marriage can't survive this.

A number of years ago i asked Mumsnet about my sexless marriage, my then fiance wasn't interested. They advised I left him as it would never resolve properly. I ignored the advice. We married. Now divorced, they were right. It destroyed my confidence and sense of self, destroyed all emotional intimacy and trust. Left me a shell of a person.

Let the poor man go.

stillvicarinatutu · 02/08/2022 00:04

I hear you op. I was in the same boat .

And after having good sexy hat I wanted I can safely say it's better alone .

I really loved my husband so much but sex felt wrong , awkward and embarrassing. Like we were just friends .

I left . It's been really hard and I've had a few really good sexual relationships since but nothing lasting, however it made me realise my marriage just wasn't right .

I met my husband really young when I was vulnerable and needed stability . He gave me that . But we weren't ever a couple in the sense we were lovers .
If it's not right - leave . It won't get better.

Opentooffers · 02/08/2022 00:28

You miss the idea of sex, but not with him. I'd guess then your whole attitude to sex between you has not been progressive over the years. When you think about sex with him, are there no surprises? I'm guessing quite vanilla, you know the exact positions you'll be in and when, how long he'll do certain things, it's maybe formulaic?
Well, I'd say that how you maintain it over the years, is not by doing it the same way, but the total opposite. The level of trust should hopefully bring confidence to experiment a tad. It helps if you don't exactly know how it's going to go. Really, without DC and together that long, there should be allsorts going on - plus a bit of 'bread and butter' basics to keep the home fires burning in between as nobody pulls out all the stops all of the time.
Familiarity breeds contempt, especially when it's more of the same. I suspect you are both stifled though and stuck in the mode of when you first met - which was a long time ago, when both young and inexperienced- otherwise you'd of discussed the issue by now. He'll, I'd demand a discussion after a month, let alone a year. It's quite telling that you've not, which shows that you are both closed off. Bight the bullet and talk it out, if you can't do that, after all this time, there's little hope.

TedMullins · 02/08/2022 00:31

It sounds like you just don’t fancy him. I don’t think its good for either of you to stay in this marriage.

Opentooffers · 02/08/2022 00:31

Oops! A few typos there.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/08/2022 00:32

Your marriage is over. Do the right thing and allow your husband to find happiness.

GOATtheAcronym · 02/08/2022 02:58

Why don't you want him to 'cheat'?

MMmomDD · 02/08/2022 05:36

You met when you were teenagers. And most likely had barely any experience. So it’s not surprising that after this long time with just each other - you don’t want to have sex with him.
I don’t think we are meant to have just one sexual partner for life.

Unfortunately - only solution here is to have sex with other people. Either you break up and let each other free. OR you realise that boredom/familiarity is the issue and you need to do something. Opening up your marriage for sex with other people may actually reignite your interest in each other. Strange as it may sound.

Doing nothing isn’t really going to work for long. One or the other of you would have sex with someone else and it will all crumble.

Original poster

user182022 · 02/08/2022 15:54

I agree doing nothing won't work. I am still attracted to him though - sometimes I look at him and get butterflies. I find him handsome, I like to see him naked. And I'm not attracted to anyone else, I just miss sex in a general way.

We have talked about it, we have tried to have a baby for a long time unsuccessfully and I think that's probably part of it, and I also gained weight during it all because I was comfort eating and I've struggled to lose it and that makes me self conscious.

I also think when I was younger I said yes to a lot of things sexually that I wouldn't now, I kind of didn't realise I could say no to them because I was so young and I seem to struggle to orgasm with him too - only ever have done twice. Sorry if that's TMI.

I am seeing a counsellor at the moment and I did bring up sex but it was just embarassing, she seemed a little bit embarassed too and when I said I didn't want to talk about it she didn't push me which she usually does. I live in quite a low price area and there isn't loads of choice of counsellors here, I've looked for a sex specific one but I'd have to do online sessions with someone much more expensive which I can't afford.

OP posts:

KangarooKenny · 02/08/2022 15:57

How old was your DM when she hit peri menopause ?

Another2022 · 02/08/2022 16:38

My wife was the same as you, did untold damage to my self image and self esteem. I left, she was too comfortable to do the right thing and be honest with me which would have ended up with us parting.

I’m not saying you should leave, but please please be honest with him so you can figure out what to do about it together.

JudyGemstone · 02/08/2022 16:42

When you had those 2 orgasms with him was it because he was pleasuring you directly or were they a bit of a happy accident?

I’m wondering if he’s a bit of an inept/selfish lover? If I wasn’t having orgasms I wouldn’t be bothered about having sex either, what’s in it for me?!

SparklingLime · 02/08/2022 16:53

This is absolutely key. This is how the DH who everyone is so worried about treated you. How did having sex with him ever benefit you? It sounds miserable.

easylisten · 02/08/2022 21:39

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Ryah76 · 02/08/2022 22:44

It might be worth getting your blood taken / hormone levels checked.

WidgetDigit2022 · 02/08/2022 22:55

I feel you've (maybe unintentionally) drip fed which may affect people's views.

Trying for a baby, unsuccessfully, takes all excitement out of sex. I've been there.

Then add the fact you've orgasms twice in 20 years, no wonder you don't want sex.

sort out the orgasms! Do you have foreplay? Can you make yourself orgasm?
have you decided what your next steps are with TTC?

There is SO much more to a relationship than sex. I wouldn't leave my husband over this. But I'd work bloody hard to get the intimacy back. Long relationships take real work.

SparklingLime · 03/08/2022 07:29

Ryah76 · 02/08/2022 22:44

It might be worth getting your blood taken / hormone levels checked.

Really? I’d check if DH has ever shown any interest in his wife’s enjoyment of sex first.

Original poster

user182022 · 03/08/2022 20:31

Sorry I didn’t mean to drip feed. I posted the original post quite late at night.

DH does try his best, he would do anything I asked him to and we’ve tried all sorts. Sometimes it starts building but will then just go away. This is definitely TMI but I often don’t even get wet, we always have to use KY jelly or similar to have sex. I can orgasm on my own.

Weve decided with TTC that we’re having a bit of time off, a year or so, and will revisit IVF again next year.

OP posts:

Blossom4538 · 03/08/2022 21:13

@user182022
im in a very similar situation, just added a post titled “Need some marriage advice”.
I just don’t know what to do. I care for DH dearly, he is a good man, but I don’t feel that way towards him. We haven’t had sex in years, possibly only a few times in the past 12-13 years. But we’ve been together forever and I can’t imagine being without him. I am starting to feel quite stressed about it all!

EarthSight · 03/08/2022 21:42

Did you ever enjoy having sex with him or enjoy it? Doesn't sound like it to me.

If you find him visually appealing but nothing else is happening, I would guess one of the following -

Trauma
Hormonal issues. mainly lack of testosterone and estrogen, or perhaps too much which can also negatively affect sex drive.
Genetic incompatibility. This is when I think a woman likes her partner visually, but doesn't really like his kisses or smell all that much, or they just don't much for her. If you were with him from a very young age and didn't have that much experience before him, you may not have known any different because you simply didn't meet enough men to able to be able to tell the difference.

VisaGeezer · 08/12/2022 13:21

There are some studies somewhere that say the longer a woman is in relationship with a man, the less desire she has to have sex with him.

There are obviously people not like this but it was a conclusion of the study.

Not quite sure what the solution to that phenomenon is.

Also if you stop having sex with someone, it can be very easy to go off having sex with them and the prospect can begin to feel odd. The longer it goes on, more so.

If you can climax on your own, the not climaxing with him (except for two times) is nothing physical per se.

I actually find that penetrative sex "numbs"/detracts from clitoral sensation and makes it well nigh impossible to climax during it. I suppose you can climax before or after any penetrative sex if that's the case. Is he willing to/,capabld re using his fingers or doing oral? Would you incorporate a vibrator etc?

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