Is he being controlled or am I overthinking it

[Stuckinthemiddle1]

So I get on very well with my male colleague (I’m female) and we’ve worked together for almost 10 years. The only issue is even though we’d consider each other to be best of friends, we aren’t allowed to see each other out of work or work occasions because his wife hates me. Along with all my other coworkers partners, I tried very hard to get to know her at the beginning but she just wasn’t interested. Even went so far as to bitch about me to my boss about my nosiness when all I was doing was asking questions to try and relate to her on some level. Anyway I’ve come to the conclusion she’s just a very insecure woman who doesn’t like her husband being around other women. He is a massive flirt but from what I’m aware of he has always remained loyal to her.

However…he’s started telling me that she is stopping him from doing things like seeing his male friends, going to exercise and generally not allowed to have a life outside of their marriage. They have kids and it seems to be she uses them to guilt him into staying at home, she also withholds sex as she knows she has power this way.

I just think that if the roles were reversed and my partner was banning me from having any life outside of our relationship it would be seen as controlling and manipulative…it’s the same in this situation but just because she’s a woman I feel like she’s getting away with it…what are your thoughts? Do you think I need to worry about him and talk to him about it? He doesn’t seem happy anymore…

He is a massive flirt but from what I’m aware of he has always remained loyal to her.

Poor woman with her disrespectful husband.

If he's unhappy, he should plan to leave, get good legal advice and have the children 50:50. Flirting while being disloyal... that's not what you do.

Ooh he’s really doing the work isn’t he? Next line will be “my wife doesn’t understand me, I’m only staying for the kids!”

Do not get involved. He is free to leave if he wishes.

@MrsTerryPratchett funny how that’s the bit you’ve picked up on and not on her behaviour towards him 🤔

some men want to be there for their kids 100% of the time and he’s an excellent dad. So divorce isn’t an option for him.

maybe the flirting is he way of escaping the confounds of his suffocating relationship but that doesn’t mean he’s a bad person just because he likes to get the odd ego boost. Most people are guilty of doing this. Whether intentional or not.

Next line will be “my wife doesn’t understand me, I’m only staying for the kids!”

See also, "I've never felt this way", "I can't talk to anyone else" and "I feel trapped".

Affair-seeking BINGO.

Oh Stuck you are falling for it hook, line and sinker. Just try to think, what would a man who is an arsehole looking for an affair be doing/saying that was in any way different to what this man is doing/saying? If the answer is nothing you have Schrodinger's cheat on your hands.

Yeah I’d be hearing alarm bells for the affair script. Ultimately it’s up to him to decide what to do. You don’t know what goes on at home and what he’s capable of so tread carefully I suppose.

@MrsTerryPratchett Oh how I’d love to say you’re right but I’ve seen how she acts with him at social events and I’m not the only one discussing it. He’s also spoken to our male colleagues about how she’s acting and they think it’s odd behaviour as well. But for them they just joke that he’s whipped. Would that be the case if it was a woman experiencing the same thing? I’m now more intrigued about what you think is ok for a man but not a woman. Would you accuse her of seeking out an affair too?

Keep out of it! Not your business. Maybe he'll talk to you if he wants to.

What's the betting you don't have children, have no idea of the true picture so would suggest you wind your neck in. I smell an ulterior motive 🤔

You are now bitching about his wife after accusing her of doing the same about you. Double standards!!

You seem to know an awful lot about his personal life. He's a grown man, if he's not happy in his relationship then he can change that. In the meantime you should give him & his ' my wife doesn't understand me' routine a wide berth

Stay out of it. You've no idea what actually goes on behind closed doors. Willing to bet the reason if she really is that paranoid is she's caught him out before.
The withholding sex as a weapon is my favourite part - you're so naive op 🤦🏻‍♀️

Well I don’t have children either, but I also think OP needs to mind her own business and also suspect an ulterior motive.

@Canabelievethis Yes because every male/female friendship there ever was has obviously ended in something sexual. I obviously can’t be a support to him because I have different genitalia is that what you’re implying?

I am bitching about his wife because I think her behaviour is totally unacceptable. Just like I’m sure he would think the same if my partner isolated me from going out in the world. Kids or no kids, like I said, he’s an excellent dad and does make time for them so this isn’t really about whether or not I do have children. Which by the way…I do…so you can get the homewrecking S**t stereotype out of your mind.

maybe Mumsnet wasn’t the place to come and ask for advice on this…clearly you all hate men and think that women can do no wrong. There goes equality… no wonder men feel like they can’t speak out when they are being abused!

Why would an abused man talk about his sex life? You're being incredibly naive OP.

You don't want to hear it. But us oldies have been round the block a few times and we've seen it all before.

Please come back when he tells you "My wife doesn't understand me like you"

Their relationship is none of your business and you should stay out of it. Controlling or not, it's his wife and he has to deal with it.
I am pretty sure he can take care of himself and doesn't need anyone to open his eyes.

Given your charming attitude here it's no wonder she doesn't think too highly of her husband hanging out with you. She smells a rat and also sees her husband sniffing around new prey. Even if you do honestly claim it's just friendship, she clearly knows better about her own husband and it's obvious he has form for being twatty around other women. So wind your neck in and find someone else to befriend.

You're so naive. Have you had the "we haven't had sex in months/years" line yet? Or the "psycho/deranged wife" line? Or "she won't let me out"?

There are plenty of men in crappy relationships, and there are crappy women about as well, bit I highly doubt any man would take to his work colleagues about his sex life, unless it was some kinda stealth boast.

Read Not Just Friends - by Shirley Glass
When the person or in your case good male 'friend' starts discussing the intimate details of his relationship with the opposite sex - you are in danger territory boundaries are blurred. its basically a script that men like that tend to follow

Op how many physically mentaly and financial abused women have written threads on here because they are too embarrassed to tell anyone in real life?
Being abused is not normally talked about at work with all the office knowing what is going on.
He flirts a lot mmmm really
Abused people generally are too afraid to talk to the opposite sex never mind flirting.
Not sure what else to add

Full house! What’s the prize? 🙄

"I'm being abused" probably means she calls him out for flirting with other women and the poor way he treats her and the kids.

It doesn't mean what you think it means.

You're either spectacularly naive or wilfully blind to your twatty colleagues true motives. Do you really think that you know what's going on in their marriage from what your colleague tells you and the few times you've seen them together? Keep your beak out OP, you don't come across very well here and i have no sympathy for you or your colleague.

OP do you have feelings for this man?

I'd advise pulling your friendship back to a working relationship. He's over sharing massively and if you don't speak or meet up outside of work then this is too much for the workplace.

Point him in the direction of advice forums or helplines if he asks for help; mensadviceline.org.uk or safelineuk

I have to agree that the "massive flirting" and the "I'm unhappy in my marriage" sound like red flags used to manipulate your feelings.

Even if he is being controlled or coerced, you're on dangerous ground getting too involved and emotionally invested.

I’ll make it clear that he hasn’t come out and said he’s been abused or controlled. That’s just what I think is happening as I could never imagine dictating to my DP about what he can do in life. I think it’s healthy to have hobbies and friends outside of your relationship but maybe that’s just me 🤷🏻‍♀️

Sounds like you’re all telling me to just leave him to it so I guess that’s what I’ll do. I don’t like it because I think it’s unfair but I suppose he’s a grown man and can get himself out of that situation if he wants to. It’s just sad that he can’t be friends with who he wants to be friends with based on their gender.