Is he being controlled or am I overthinking it

[Stuckinthemiddle1]

So I get on very well with my male colleague (I’m female) and we’ve worked together for almost 10 years. The only issue is even though we’d consider each other to be best of friends, we aren’t allowed to see each other out of work or work occasions because his wife hates me. Along with all my other coworkers partners, I tried very hard to get to know her at the beginning but she just wasn’t interested. Even went so far as to bitch about me to my boss about my nosiness when all I was doing was asking questions to try and relate to her on some level. Anyway I’ve come to the conclusion she’s just a very insecure woman who doesn’t like her husband being around other women. He is a massive flirt but from what I’m aware of he has always remained loyal to her.

However…he’s started telling me that she is stopping him from doing things like seeing his male friends, going to exercise and generally not allowed to have a life outside of their marriage. They have kids and it seems to be she uses them to guilt him into staying at home, she also withholds sex as she knows she has power this way.

I just think that if the roles were reversed and my partner was banning me from having any life outside of our relationship it would be seen as controlling and manipulative…it’s the same in this situation but just because she’s a woman I feel like she’s getting away with it…what are your thoughts? Do you think I need to worry about him and talk to him about it? He doesn’t seem happy anymore…

Along with all my other coworkers partners, I tried very hard to get to know her at the beginning but she just wasn’t interested. Even went so far as to bitch about me to my boss about my nosiness when all I was doing was asking questions to try and relate to her on some level.

Why were you trying to get to know your coworker's partners? You tried "very hard?" How would you even do that? The partner's lives of people you work with are none of your business, and I don't blame her for calling you nosy. This is so odd and unprofessional.

no wonder men feel like they can’t speak out when they are being abused!

tell him to get a no fault divorce and leave it that.

Op said she has tried to get to know her (long standing) colleague's wife at work events/work dos. I don't think that's "odd and unprofessional"

Op I don't think you can be the person to offer support or advice to your colleague.
In fact, voicing your opinion on his relationship could really fuck up a solid working relationship.
Step back, you're far far too emotionally invested.

I do think you sound well meaning and are being unfairly roasted on here.

OP "Is he being controlled or am I overthinking this"

everyone "You are overthinking this:

OP "no I am not."

@SmileyClare Thank you for your advice, it’s the sort of response I was hoping for! Rather than just being accused of something sinister.

We’re quite a small firm and I think we are all too emotionally invested in each other’s lives and all too open with each other. I’ve always found it to be a nice thing but I can see how others would think it’s strange.

You’re right though, I don’t want it to affect my working relationship with him and I think it would if it’s something he doesn’t necessarily want to hear. I’ll step back.

You seem incredibly invested in this man. You do realise he is a grown man not a vulnerable child. If he is unhappy enough in his marriage he is quite capable of leaving but he absolutely does not need your help/input/opinion in order for him to do that.

He's a grown man. It really isn't your place to get involved. The wife didn't have to like you, just because you talk to all their wives doesn't mean she needs to be interested in talking to you.

I think it's worth having a frank conversation with him?
Explain you regard him as a friend but that he's putting you in a difficult position by offloading all details of his relationship on you. You're not his therapist or marriage counsellor!

Perhaps he has a brother or friend to confide in or point him in the direction of advice forums for men if you're concerned?

Even if he has questionable motives, that sort of conversation will hopefully bring your work relationship back to an even footing.

I used to work as a paramedic alongside a male colleague and you spend so much time together, you do end up knowing the other person fairly intimately. I get it...It's a close bond but maintain boundaries!

maybe Mumsnet wasn’t the place to come and ask for advice on this…clearly you all hate men and think that women can do no wrong. There goes equality… no wonder men feel like they can’t speak out when they are being abused!

One of my best friends, who is male, has an ex-wife who is unwell and controlling. When they were together he would not have dreamed of telling me about their sex life, or flirting or doing any of the things this bloke is doing.

I don't hate men. I hate wankers. This bloke sounds like a wanker. If you genuinely believe otherwise, connect him with a counsellor. You are not that.

I think that someone who has a controlling partner is very unlikely to be flirty. Sorry, I know that's not want you want to hear but it's true. SIL spent years terrified to spend time with FEMALE friends, never mind male friends, because her DP was constantly accusing her of having affairs/flirting with men and women (she's not bisexual). So I'm afraid that absolutely does ring alarm bells for me.

DH and I have friends of the opposite sex but I have to admit, that subsequent to us getting together, I don't think either of us would have taken t well if the other one developed a 'best friend' relationship with someone of the opposite sex. Through our respective work places we have both made friends with people of the opposite sex, but those relationships are fairly casual - I might do lunch with a male colleague or he will go to a specific activity in common with a female colleague.

She may well be a jealous controlling cow. But he definitely sounds a bit off to me.

You both fancy each other
her spider senses are tingling
hes at it op
thers no friendship here

we dont hate men we are just expierenced
like the taylor swift line ‘i think ive seen this film before, and i didnt like the ending’

I've been there.. in a relationship with a man who did this ... charming to all his workmates, flirty. I was the 'mad' 'uptight' partner.. he did awful things. Used to text and say he was v depressed and needed to speak to me urgently, then leave this phone on a table and say... oh look she won't stop calling me just because I'm out of the house.
Told his friends I wouldn't let him out when I didn't do anything like that. Had liaisons and kept them secret because apparently I would never cope if I found out.. ( weirdly when I did leave it was me who went and such a relief) It drove me to being ill, and yes I probably came off as not that great to those who bought the stories he told at work..
You seem fairly sold on his tale but I posted this so you might see that you only know one side of a tale... and those who are manipulative do it well quite often .. make scenarios look a certain way when they are not

Careful OP. Slippery slope there. Flirty bloke with controlling wife. There might be a reason she’s like that if he’s got form for flirting his way into the knickers of other women.

He’s grooming you. His wife probably knows it because she’s seen him “behave like that” a million times before and knows the signs that he’s at it again.
Hence her dislike of you. No smoke without fire and all that.

Don’t get dragged into his shitty relationship mess. Not your problem to sort out. You don’t know what goes on behind closed doors.

Interesting though that you’re quick to disparage her and defend him. Why is that when it’s nothing to do with you?

"We’re quite a small firm and I think we are all too emotionally invested in each other’s lives and all too open with each other"

Yet you bitch about the wife of a colleague for not being open and friendly, when she doesn't really know you and even work there??

You have no idea about this woman, any personal trauma or circumstances she is currently going through including her mental or physical health. You have no idea what their marriage is really like, if he is a good dad/ husband behind closed doors and you complain that she isn't warm and friendly to you?? Some men are very good at playing the victim of a controlling wife...as many a woman on MN can testify to.

Move on, get a hobby, invest in your own family and partner etc or maybe do some volunteer work if you have so much time to kill.

However…he’s started telling me that she is stopping him from doing things like seeing his male friends, going to exercise and generally not allowed to have a life outside of their marriage. They have kids and it seems to be she uses them to guilt him into staying at home, she also withholds sex as she knows she has power this way.

Why do I immediately read this and think “I bet he’s a twat”

And the fact you think you are “stuck in the middle” (your username!).

you are not.

You would like to be though I suspect

Yup, “my wife won’t have sex with me” equals power play. Hmm

Yep, my ex came across as just a lovely flirty innocent guy. I was the controlling witch. What he didn't tell people was that I was banned from seeing friends outside of work, going for drinks, having any kind of life. But oh when he wanted to do it that was different! I was expected to sit at home staring at the TV while he drank and flirted with half the office. Then he'd still come home and accuse me of having a man round while he was out (clearly projecting). I agree with others, you only know half the story.

Yep. And I wonder what using his kids to "guilt" him into spending time with them consists of...

I'd put money on him not turning out to be what he seems, OP!

You do sound quite nosey, sorry OP! I'd stay out of it. It'll end in tears otherwise.

Along with all my other coworkers partners, I tried very hard to get to know her at the beginning but she just wasn’t interested.

I don’t know where you work but this sounds very odd. How much time are you all spending socialising instead of working?

she also withholds sex as she knows she has power this way

It’s so incredibly inappropriate you’ve been told this I’m not sure what to say.

You are nosy and he’s crossed a million boundaries, no wonder she’s pissed off! Focus on your own life and spend less time with married men…