Feel like I am not a proper person

[Gingerbreadpie]

Not exactly about relationships but this board seems best-placed to understand.

I feel pathetic and like I’m not a proper adult. I want to believe I’m doing ok and am not just a ridiculous overgrown child but it’s a struggle.

Had a very unhappy childhood, mainly emotional abuse and neglect. Attempted suicide at 16. Had two DV relationships, one of which ruined my 20s. Then met and married my lovely DH.

I then struggled with an addiction which I’ve now completely overcome. I’ve paid off over £18k of debt. I have a decent job now that comes with a great pension although I started it late. I opened a LISA before I turned 40 and have about £6k in there. So gradually unf**king finances but it’s early days. DH also has a fixed-term loan still to pay off. (It does not make sense to lose the LISA bonus to pay this.)

So. No assets. Started pensions late. Living in a crappy rented house as we’re years off managing to save for a mortgage. No kids due to physical and mental health issues, haven’t totally ruled out TTC but an old enough that it’s unlikely.

I’ve spent these past years just surviving and hanging on by a thread, sorting debt, sorting my career, and trying not to totally lose it. Now I look around to see other people who have houses and savings and children and I feel like such a waste of space. All I’ve done is survive. I feel like a child. I’ve never bought or done up a house. I am barely keeping myself and my cat alive.

I feel like a useless lump and I feel so alone and I just wondered if, perhaps, I’m actually not alone.

I am in therapy but my therapist is on holiday and I’m just having a moment really. Thanks for any kind words.

Honestly, it sounds like you are doing amazingly to me. What strength you have to overcome the childhood you had, long term abusive relationships and addictions, and to get yourself to the position you are in with a healthy relationship, good job with good pension. I don’t have words to express what a testament this is you.

You were dealt a shitty hand I. Life and you turned it around. I admire you.

So, only people who own property are proper people, then? What about all the other people who rent? Are they not proper either? And those who are in debt? Also not proper people?

Or is not being proper especially for you, and the criteria you use to judge yourself is different when applied to other people?

You are either singling yourself out for the rubbish bin, or you are surrounded in society by people just like you, and, in addition, some who are who have more than you, and also some who have less.

What makes you so specially negative?

@Watchkeys I’m judging myself differently, clearly.

OK, well, it's good you can see it.

So, now you can take the focus off of the practicalities. That's just you hunting around in your psyche, looking for something to make yourself feel shit for.

The question is, really, why are you looking for a reason to make yourself feel shit?

I'd guess that it's the usual pattern: When we turn into adults, we replace our parents (i.e. we become capable of parenting ourselves), and we parent ourselves in the way we're used to being parented. So, your parents treated you in a way that made you feel 'less', and now, that's how you parent yourself.

We are all parenting ourselves. All of us have emotions, which are basically childlike entities that we have to take care of. If we look after them well, put them in places they like, with people they enjoy, then we will be happy, and feel confident. If we are critical of ourselves, we continue to feel like any criticised child feels: shit.

So this: I feel like such a waste of space. All I’ve done is survive. I feel like a child. I’ve never bought or done up a house. I am barely keeping myself and my cat alive. I feel like a useless lump is the shitty footprint of your poor childhood and your neglectful, abusive parents.

Does any of that ring true? My point is that this is not your fault, but it is your responsibility to sort out. And it's not about how much money/property/children you have, it's about how you choose to view yourself.

I know it’s a cliche but honestly - please don’t compare yourself to others. You’ll always come out of it feeling shit about yourself, as there are always people apparently ‘doing life’ better.

It sounds to me like you have overcome so much and done a brilliant job of it. Getting yourself out of debt, overcoming addiction and working on issues from childhood abuse are massive. MASSIVE. You really should be very proud of yourself.

You’ve got a lovely husband, a roof over your head and a cat ❤️. You are doing brilliantly.

I used to feel like this.
My first round of therapy made my inner voice less critical but it took my second round of therapy and being introduced to the practice of self compassion to make my inner voice kind

Look in to self compassion, and the yin and yang of self compassion.

That is also called remothering and refathering sometimes.

There's a good workbook, mindful self compassion by kirstin neff phd and Chris germer phd

So what of your DH? Doesn't he have a loan and no savings? ( though really both of these are joint when married). Seems he's not in any better position, is he hatining on himself too?

You sound like a success to me. Other people have said it more eloquently than I could so I won't repeat it all - but I would be proud to be friends with someone who had so much strength and resilience.

You sound very much like a proper person to me.

Life isn't fair, we all start in different places.

I started out lucky. Two parents who worked hard to provide for me and my brother, and loved us very much. Not perfect by any means but overall, good people. That, all by itself means I had a massive headstart over you. I'm starting the game with a load of cash and a couple of hotels on Mayfair.

I've had healthy relationships modelled to me growing up, you haven't, which has given me skills to avoid unhealthy relationships (not entirely successfully) that you didn't have a chance to gain until later in life.

Literally every advantage, life skill, financial privilege that I've had handed to me, you've had to work for. Neither of us are less of a person due to our backgrounds, or the stuff we own etc, but I guarantee that the life you've lived makes you more of an adult than me.

This is the abusive voice inside you. You have to know the difference between that and reality

in reality you are doing quite well for yourself

how much is housing where you live? 6k in a Lisa is good!

you only need a 5pc deposit for some mortgages so 5k would be enough on a flat of 100k

Thank you all so much for your very kind replies.

Re housing: in the SE (and need to stay here for work) so housing is not cheap. But thanks.

Watchkeys has very wise words, that critical inner voice (wherever it comes from and it's not always childhood) does so much damage. I used to have one but I read something (on here probably ) that made me realise what I was doing to myself and I've managed to train myself out of it.

For a while I had to consciously stop the negative self talk as soon as I realised I was doing it and purposely overlay it with something positive about myself, but it's become habit now and I have the negative thoughts much less often so it's become much easier.

I've achieved and overcome much less than you and I don't feel like a failure, I also don't compare myself to others, we all have different paths to tread

Sadly I have no help to offer but just wanted to say you're not alone, OP.

I suffered emotional abuse growing up also and have never, ever felt like a real person. I just feel like a lump surviving, a spectator of other people's real lives.

Maybe one day we will feel like proper people? It's terrible how a damaged childhood can then destroy a whole life.

Sending you un-mumsnetty hugs.

Un-mumsnetty hugs right back at you

Is there someone you know (from real life, or TV) who you think is brilliantly and entertainingly self confident? Someone with a kick ass attitude who doesn't give a shit about what anybody thinks and just does their thing in the way they want to do their thing?

If you can think of someone, there's a trick you can do. I've used it, it helps.

I’m you but I’m at the bit where life has only just settled, it’s the first time in my life I’m not being emotionally abused by anyone and those people are gone from my life. Now I want to work to achieve what you have in the last few years! Literally have ISA, pension etc on my goals.

I look up to people like you!

Hi OP. I too feel like I'm not a worthy human being. I have achieved the materialistic milestones we are expected to however these things bring me little joy although I am grateful for the security I have. My inner voice berates me all the time for my failure to control my weight. I have been obese most of my life since I was 8 years old. I feel like a failure every day and no amount of stuff has helped me overcome this feeling. I just try and be positive which although is a fleeting state still helps me continue. I know this may not help you and loads of MNs and the general public berate obese people like me all the time and that it is my own fault. I just thought that knowing that people like me who have acquired materialistic things in life also feel bad about themselves for different reasons and it might offer a different perspective.

You sound like your doing great.
domestic violence survivor , beat your addiction , sorted out your finances acknowledged your mental health. Give yourself a break doll xxx

Thanks everyone. And hang in there, those of you fighting your own battles xxx

After all you've been through, you're doing brilliantly. For a start you've managed to find someone lovely to be with. Which puts you way ahead of half the population. I think you are seriously underestimating your achievements.
I've bought a house, I have a son who I love to bits but when he heads off for his own life which he will in 5 years, I will be alone. My house won't change that. I'll probably spend the rest of my life alone.
The things we buy really aren't that important. You have someone who loves you, who has your back. Congratulations 🙂

Do you not value this in yourself? Decency, kindness, empathy, supportiveness, affection, inclusion? This one post alone shows so much about where your value lies, OP, and you're richer than money.

Wish I had your strength and resilience, OP. I think you should be feeling proud of yourself, nothing less.

All I’ve done is survive.

If I may say, the fact you have survived and overcome so much IS A HUGE SUCCESS that a lot of people don’t manage.
That is a success.

You have done amazingly well. Don’t negate that.

I can’t thank you all enough for your kind words.