Feel like I am not a proper person

[Gingerbreadpie]

Not exactly about relationships but this board seems best-placed to understand.

I feel pathetic and like I’m not a proper adult. I want to believe I’m doing ok and am not just a ridiculous overgrown child but it’s a struggle.

Had a very unhappy childhood, mainly emotional abuse and neglect. Attempted suicide at 16. Had two DV relationships, one of which ruined my 20s. Then met and married my lovely DH.

I then struggled with an addiction which I’ve now completely overcome. I’ve paid off over £18k of debt. I have a decent job now that comes with a great pension although I started it late. I opened a LISA before I turned 40 and have about £6k in there. So gradually unf**king finances but it’s early days. DH also has a fixed-term loan still to pay off. (It does not make sense to lose the LISA bonus to pay this.)

So. No assets. Started pensions late. Living in a crappy rented house as we’re years off managing to save for a mortgage. No kids due to physical and mental health issues, haven’t totally ruled out TTC but an old enough that it’s unlikely.

I’ve spent these past years just surviving and hanging on by a thread, sorting debt, sorting my career, and trying not to totally lose it. Now I look around to see other people who have houses and savings and children and I feel like such a waste of space. All I’ve done is survive. I feel like a child. I’ve never bought or done up a house. I am barely keeping myself and my cat alive.

I feel like a useless lump and I feel so alone and I just wondered if, perhaps, I’m actually not alone.

I am in therapy but my therapist is on holiday and I’m just having a moment really. Thanks for any kind words.

You sound amazing!

Wow.

(claps profusely 👏👏👏. Nice to see compassion every now and them on MN).

I know lots of people who had abusive and neglectful childhoods. They self harmed and self medicated with drugs and alcohol and their lives unraveled, they spent time rough sleeping , sofa surfing and in prison or being abused through prostitution.

They look at people like you with a secure home, a good career and money in the bank , in happy, stable relationships and they think that their lives could never in a million years not be as good as yours, they could never achieve what you have done.

You’ve worked so hard to overcome so much. Be proud of everything you have achieved so far and as my DH always says your only competition is with yourself. Keep going, doesn’t matter what every one else around you is doing. You have done amazingly so far, I wish you so much luck for the future.

C-PTSD survivor from abusive/neglectful childhood here op.

That's your critical inner voice at work. Just like another poster, I had to train myself out of that and learn to treat myself well (and it felt very strange to begin with). Life is much better this way. Comparison truly is the thief of joy.

Resilience. This is something we have had to hold onto and it clearly shows in your post. Not surprised about addictions - I have had these and had to overcome these too (food mainly and have managed to shift a load of weight and become healthy).

You've made massive strides op. Keep going. And for what's it worth, you are a human being, not a human doing. We cannot (but often do, and something I'm working through currently) attach our sense of self worth to 'number/assets etc.' Hopefully therapy is helping, it sounds like it is. I'm still having therapy and look at it as part of my self care.

I agree with all the messages I've read responding to you, OP.

Also, you mention your lovely DH. So as well as rescuing yourself from your miserable upbringing, you must have developed the ability to love and care for another person. Even the loveliest DH probably wouldn't hang around if you were cold or abusive. So congratulate yourself on the life skills you've taught yourself. The ability to love being one of the most important.

What @fdgdfgdfgdfg said. You're twice the adult that many other people are, OP, because you've had to work twice as hard to get where you are. I've had a very charmed life indeed compared with you, and I definitely don't always feel like I'm adulting very well!

You've worked incredibly hard to be where you are now, and you do not deserve to disrespect yourself in this way. If 16 year old you could see you now, and know what you've been through to get here, they'd be very proud.

You're stable financially now, got a bit of money behind you and no debts under your name- that is a great position to be in. You've spent so long working out the financial side of your existence, it's now time to enjoy the life you've made for yourself in any way you can.

Your therapist will obviously help your mental health but can you, maybe with their help, make some small changes to make yourself feel 'proper'? Learn a new skill (no pressure, something that will benefit you like cooking or a hobby you can do with other people), it doesn't have to cost a lot of money or take up time. Maybe if you have some time, what about volunteering? Instead of focussing on what money can get you (house, projects etc) why not focus on what opportunities are accessible to you now? Houses and kids aren't for everyone, but there's more to life than that.

Achievements aren't always measured in items you own or certificates you have on your wall, they're achievements when they make you happier or better. Even if your achievement is keeping yourself and your cat alive for the day, that's great!

It sounds like you have done amazingly. You should be very proud of yourself for all you've achieved. You are a proper person because you are a person and you count just as much as anyone who has a house or whatever else.

I don't even know what a 'proper' person is. I thought when I turned 30 I would finally feel grown up and people would take me seriously (I have always been quite baby-faced). I'm soon turning 40, have a house, husband and good career job and I still don't feel grown up. I am quite jokey compared to my friends and colleagues but I have come to accept and enjoy it, and I'm good at my job even with the humour I view everything with. Although my imposter syndrome is massive sometimes!

Also, don't forget that we live in a time where buying that first property has become so out of reach for many many people and it's getting worse. So you shouldn't view lack of home ownership as a reflection on yourself, there are so many things out of your control that are stacked against people in that regard.

Most of the people who are doing great financially at your age have had a different life to you. Things may not be as great as you want right now but you are miles better off than what could have happened.
Try not to compare your life with others, everyone's got or had their own struggles. Money helps a lot but there are rich people plagued with addiction and wish they could climb out of that no amount of rehab or counselling has helped. I mean it in a non patronising way I swear but seriously: count your blessings!