SIL and her ex were together for over 10 years. 2 dc - 6 and 5. It was a pretty bad relationship from the start, with all the red flags there. But me and Dh were the only ones who spotted them and we were so naive in those days that even though we had concerns, we bought into this idea that he was only like this because he'd had a tough children and a crazy ex (I know, I know) and that now he was in this lovely stable relationship things would get better. [hollow laugh]
When they first got together, neither of them had much money but she's worked hard, studied and is now a good earner. He has been doing minimum hours for minimum wage the entire time, going part time when DC were small and refusing to go back to at least full time hours (never mind taking on extra). He talks about wanting to do something different, but makes no effort and in fact has let her pay for courses he's then not completed.
Needless to say, a constant bone of contention was that he never DID anything - he didn't take on any of the work of keeping and maintaining a house, only did childcare he had to etc.
They broke up officially at Christmas. But he's StILL living with her and the DC. Still only working 30 hours a week and still ONLY doing childcare one day a week (the DC are in holiday clubs/after school clubs/breakfast clubs the rest of the time). He still contributes the same (small) amount of money monthly but is actually taking up MORE space now as he's using her WFH office as his bedroom. He is still not doing any of the household chores etc.
She is frustrated and angry. Her mental health is a disaster. She is yelling and screaming at him daily about how he needs to leave, she hates him, she can't live like this etc. He just sits there and takes it like a wounded dog but does nothing (one of his many many controlling techniques - he's always been good at manipulating her so that she "loses it" and then SHE looks like the baddy. My view is that she's behaving as anyone would who had a squatter in their house).
He will not leave. He's on the tenancy agreement so she can't force him. He tells her he's scared and he doesn't know what to do. Vaguely implies he might be suicidal etc. She continues to feel angry and resentful but also responsible for him. They cannot have a sensible conversation - she's too emotional and upset and he will simply deny/deflect/defend (oh, forgot to mention - we're pretty sure he's a covert narcissist).
What can we do? The DC are miserable. They're also appallingly badly behaved (not exactly a surprise based on their home environment) so taking them on is very very difficult as we have our own DC to consider.
DH and I are thinking about whether we should just accept that ex BIL is going to continue to act like a child and should we sit him down and help him go through benefits etc he could claim, find somewhere to move etc etc. But we suspect he'd just say all the right things then do nothing (we've seen this 1000 times before). Meanwhile, DH's relationship with SIL is falling apart because it's so hard to be around her. But we're desperate to help her.
Does anyone have any similar experiences. Any ideas at all? We've started suggesting that when their lease is up that she moves out with the DC and finds somewhere without him - ie force the matter. But she doesn't want to move - she likes their house, their area, schools etc. I get it. Plus, she is angry but still feels like he'll never cope without her. It's unbearable.