Any tricks re. arguments and who did what to keep sane?

[Lobbies]

Me and my partner have totally different recollections regarding an incident that turned violent. We were arguing verbally and (in my memory) he pushed me down onto the bed very harshly and held me down. I have bruises on my upper/lower arms from grabbing. He says that what I say happened didn't and calls me a liar and calls me sick in the head. He is SO convincing and certain it makes me doubt myself. I have apologized for my behaviour that day, not blaming anyone else, and promised to work on myself.

He has said nothing, only that everything that day was me alone. While I agree we were verbally arguing I did nothing physical toward him (and he's twice my size), yet he says he was defending himself from me and that's how I got bruised; that I attacked him. He has no bruises or anything. I feel so confused. He stares me straight into the face and tells me that. It makes me question my reality. He also said I have bruises cause I just bruise easily. There's never been physical violence between us before. Any advice?

Get out. Now.
The gaslighting is classic—- he’s not going to agree he assaulted you is he? It’s an arrestable offence.
He’s done it once, he’ll do it again. Leave him.

My advice is to leave him. He is both physically and mentally abusive. The denials are just gas lighting. Please take care of yourself.

I forgot to say: He dumped me and says he cant be with someone who tells this kind of story/lies. It really confuses me cause why else would he do that unless I really did do what he says?

and he also left our home after, he's been gone a week, picked up stuff twice with his dad/brother in tow saying how crazy I am and a liar and so on.

How do I know it's gaslighting and not just me remembering wrong? I dont recognize the person he is right now and he treats me like nothing.

Men who abuse women don’t admit it. They gaslight, deny and outright lie.

He’s trying to make you look crazy because that’s easier than admitting to himself and his family that he’s an abusive twat who attacked and injured his partner.

He’s gone? Good fucking riddance. Don’t have him back.

Jesus Christ OP, that is all sounding pretty typical narc - he would have you lose your mind so you don't know if you're coming or going and feel completely dependent on him.

Ask yourself do you normally remember things completely wrongly? Have any female friends or relatives ever said you do that? Do you have a tendency to think people are physically assaulting you when they're not? That's how you know it's him and not you OP.

Who knows why he's dumped you, it's probably because he knows he could get into big trouble for what he's done and is trying to discredit you by telling everyone he's dumped you because you're crazy. Just be thankful that he has OP, he's done you a massive favour. Just don't let him back when the bruises fade OP, whatever you do. This one is very dangerous, mentally and physically.

he treats me like nothing

Regardless of anything else you've said, this on its own, ought to be enough to make you end the relationship.

Why would you stay with anybody who treated you like nothing? That's a genuine question. Do you think it's healthy or good for you to stay with someone who treats you like that?

Thank you for your feedback. No I don't remember myself ever making up or confusing stuff I have experienced.

He's not treated me exactly this way (like nothing) before, though he's left and refused to say when he's returning when I had my birthday, leaving me for 5 days. It makes me feel so much that it's my fault cause I don't understand/recognize his behavior. I feel it's my fault cause I provoked him, I was holding his phone and refusing to give it back when he threw himself over me, pinned me down and grabbed my arms so harshly. I was being ridiculous, not threatening, I'm unsure if that means I deserve violence?

My ex h started to make up the most ridiculous things. He was drunk and embarrassing at a company function. When I pulled him up on it the next day he insisted it was me who was drunk, how his boss commented on it and I was embarrassing. Errr…I don’t drink. I was stone cold sober and I was the one who got you out of there. But he would not admit he was lying no matter how hard evidence there was.

Just walk away ( I did) He’s not worth your headspace —- you do not imagine your partner has assaulted you. He now has to lie more and more to get his family onside. Forget him, he’s a head case and a dangerous one at that.

Don't spend time with anyone who makes you feel faulty. That's the only advice you need in relationships.

It is not your fault. He is gaslighting you. You are well shot of him. "why does he do that" is often recommended on here - it's by Lundy Bancroft.

Your partner is a very dangerous man. Please don't ever take him back.

Of course you don't deserve violence. The acceptable level of violence in a relationship is none.

Take pictures of the bruising and I'd be inclined to report it to the police.

Thank you, it means so much to hear from you. I feel like he is doing that which you say @Sapphirensteel , that he's getting his family around him. It feels unfair, the bruises I have and had dont make sense with his story.

You're right @Watchkeys , he has gotten me to feel that quite many times. He brings up my mental health in arguments in really hurtful ways.

@Whataretheodds I haven't heard of that, I will check it out! I'm bit confused when I read about abuse or abusers he doesn't really fit, I can see that he is gaslighting me though, somewhere in my mind I'm thinking maybe this is just a one-off thing? At the same time i can't make violence to myself by begging his forgiveness and deny my own reality. He wouldn't even conside we could have different experiences of what happened, it WAS ALL YOU and anything else is lies.

@Aquamarine1029 I was with a man long ago who in the end threatened to kill me, but it was soso much worse than what is happening now it almost doesn't feel that bad he hurt me, it's the making me crazy that hurts me even more.

@AmbushedByCake1 Thank you, I just feel awful cause I behaved so poorly. I wish I could hold others accountable and be angry, I self-blame alot. I did get pictures taking at the doctor's, atm I don't want to press charges. I am trying to be on his good side so he wont mess with me while I try and find a place to live. His dad said he'd help out at least, that I didn't have to worry. Lucky crazy me.

My recommendation would be, primarily, to stay away from him and never allow him into your house again. Block him on all forms of contact.

If you can't do that, or might end up with him again (for a variety of reasons), please log this with the police as a domestic assault, because if you ever get back with him again, the chances are he will do this again and over time the level of abuse and assault will increase.

@DontBuyANewMumCashmere I will try. I live in our apartment, I'm trying to find another unless he agrees to sign over the lease to me, I sent him the request today. I've been assured he wont turn up out of the blue and I do trust his father there at least, he wouldn't dare oppose his father. Think it's almost funny he brings family members over like to say he needs witnesses so I wont make up more crazy lies. But makes it safer for me, eventhough his talking makes me sound nuts. It's SO extremely confusing to me he's sitting there with a straight face telling me things never happened.

I found weed in his nightstand and told him first time he came over to pick stuff up to take it with him, he did since it was gone after he left, I later asked if he had hidden that from me during our relationship (he supposedly quit long ago) and he said "I dont know what you are talking about, I dont have any weed".

He even sounds like someone else in his voice. I can't make sense of it I've never had so much fun with anyone as I have with him, been so in love with him. Since he's never done this to me before I have a hard time accepting or believing myself, he's never denied my reality that way before.

I just feel awful cause I behaved so poorly

Everybody behaves poorly when they are in unhealthy relationships. The trick isn't to learn how to behave better, or to fix the relationship. The trick is to be in places/with people where you feel happy and comfortable. If you only spend your time with people you're comfortable with, then you'll always be comfortable, right? Choosing to be with someone who makes you feel you're going crazy is choosing to feel like you're going crazy.

As a matter of interest, does anyone else in your life make you question your own sanity? If not, it's very clear where the toxin is.

One good thing is that this gave me the kick in the ass I needed to apply for an education, I've been meaning to try and get to it, it would mean I can afford the appartment (its damn expensive) by myself and I got accepted on late application today!

I think someone has already talked about gaslighting but this sounds absolutely textbook.
He's flatly denying things you know happened, and in the course of this he's making you feel as though you've gone mad.

I just really hope you never get back with him.
Look after yourself, and make sure a friend or family member can chat with you a little bit x

@Watchkeys That is true. I think the big difference between him and me has always been that I dont place blame with others for my behaviour and I always apologize. He gets angry and blames everything else. I felt uncomfortable once during sex, I told him after and he got angry at me for making him feel like a rapist, but all I wanted was for us to discuss our communication, maybe some concern for me. He told me to go fuck myself and slammed the door.

Yes my sister does (she's old enough to be my mom). Our mom too. Guess where I learned to feel guilt. But I realised after talking to my sister about this that it will be the last time I ever ask for her support, she has more empathy for a dog. Mom at least tries, she just doesnt have the language (she's had a rough life and brain damage from an accident) but she's checked in with me every day since which actually feels like she cares.

But my friends are totally on my side. Even after I tell them every bad thing I ever did to my partner. I feel like I'm then lying when they back me up, cause if they just saw me for what I was they wouldn't. I might have some issues with my self-esteem and worth.

@DontBuyANewMumCashmere It feels better when others see it. I think I'm the perfect person to gaslight, I have so little trust in myself after the extremely manipulative relationship I was in long ago.

I'm at least refusing to budge, he's not gonna get to say I'm lying, I know what I experienced. He goes and says HE was afraid of me (yeah right 55kgs vs 100 kgs) and how I had scary eyes. That's what I felt about him. Right when it had happened he didnt deny it, his first instinct was to say I forced him. Then he downplayed it to "that wasnt abuse, if you think it was you've never experienced it!", then it evolved to "stop lying" and "it didn't happen". I love him but I can't do it. I think he has disconnected in his head, he has this perfect image of himself and he HATES wifebeaters, maybe he does this cause he can't cope/accept what he did. He's always needing reassurance and cant deal with anything that makes him "look bad", doesn't understand why him calling me perfect makes me uncomfortable. I don't think anyone is perfect, him included, and for some reason it provokes him.

Most abusive men purport to hate wife eaters but will happily grab their missus or verbally abuse or control them, or rough up a woman when their job involves it.

I'm sorry to put this so bluntly, but he's not 'not perfect' and you shouldn't love him. He's a cunt and you're better off without him.
Reframe this.
Don't think anymore about why he's doing it, or what you did to provoke him, he would have eventually been like this anyway, but think Thank god you've seen the real him before you got married or had kids (hopefully)

Stay safe.

Yes my sister does (she's old enough to be my mom). Our mom too. Guess where I learned to feel guilt

So it's clear what you've sought out in him: familiarity.

Do yourself a favour and leave. Working him out/getting him to see your side is never going to happen. Are you able to accept that? His whole stance would have to crumble for you to be right. That's why he's so intent on blaming you: the faults he accuses you of are the only thing propping up his weak ego. If you're not in the wrong, he's a little bit screwed, isn't he? It really doesn't look good on him if you're right each time and he has these unhealthy responses, does it?

He assaulted you. No other way to get bruises. He’s twice your size: if you had really assaulted him he could easily have restrained you without eithernof you getting hurt.

Photograph the bruises now, because one day he’ll be claiming that you imagined them.

Please never see him again.

Classic, classic, gaslighting.