Any tricks re. arguments and who did what to keep sane?

[Lobbies]

Me and my partner have totally different recollections regarding an incident that turned violent. We were arguing verbally and (in my memory) he pushed me down onto the bed very harshly and held me down. I have bruises on my upper/lower arms from grabbing. He says that what I say happened didn't and calls me a liar and calls me sick in the head. He is SO convincing and certain it makes me doubt myself. I have apologized for my behaviour that day, not blaming anyone else, and promised to work on myself.

He has said nothing, only that everything that day was me alone. While I agree we were verbally arguing I did nothing physical toward him (and he's twice my size), yet he says he was defending himself from me and that's how I got bruised; that I attacked him. He has no bruises or anything. I feel so confused. He stares me straight into the face and tells me that. It makes me question my reality. He also said I have bruises cause I just bruise easily. There's never been physical violence between us before. Any advice?

@DontBuyANewMumCashmere I can see that being true. He said 2 days before this happened there was nothing I could do that would make him hurt me. So then in my literal (i have autistic traits and severe adhd, it makes me think differently) sense I'm naive and want to believe it. He's gotten upset with me before when something he does makes me reminded of trauma and get scared of him.

We dont have kids that are joint but I have an older teen DD who got really scared when she heard me screaming for him to let me go and me hysterically crying after. Partner said I just screamed cause I was dramatic, not cause he was scaring/hurting me. She's been at paternal grandmas (lives far away) all last week, came back 2 days ago. She's been to social services to speak to a child protection worker, I called them when it happened.She doesn't want to talk to me about it, I pushed it a little then let it rest. I've been there too but they didn't consider the situation bad enough to help us find housing. I feel awful for her becoming scared in her own home, she's never experienced something like that before, she must've been so scared and I feel so ashamed to have put her in such a situation.

@Watchkeys Yes, probably. And he seemed, until now, to adore me majority of the time. I have a hard time not getting what I'm due, but I'm trying to work on letting it go. It's kind of sad to look for what you need in the one person who wont give it to you. I hope people when he talks bad of me will try and think who of us two have something to win by lying. But it probably wont be that way. I've thought of sending the photos to his family, but I doubt it will do me any good or give me anything I need.

@Sunshineona I told him this too, asked him what were you defending yourself from, what can I possibly do to hurt you?? He's a boxer on top of being big. I got them officially photographed at GP when 3 days old, and have my own too.

I have a hard time not getting what I'm due

What are you due, OP? Can you narrow that down a bit for us, or elaborate a bit? The crux of the issue may be in here...

Of course you aren’t remembering it wrong. You might remember tiny facts wrong, like the exact time or what shirt he was wearing but you absolutely aren’t remembering being assaulted completely wrongly. It happened or it didn’t, unless you have serious mental health issues. He assaulted you.

He then lied and gaslit you so that you didn’t call the police or tell anyone what he did. It’s common. My ex did it to me, turned it all around so I was the bad guy every time and he did nothing wrong.

He’s probably left because he’s scared you’ll call the police, or he’s scared he will do it again but worse and not be able to deny it, maybe he even feels guilt (unlikely). He might even be using his leaving you as “proof” of his innocence so that he can come crawling back at some point and you’ll be so beaten down you accept it was all you and take him back.

Please don’t take him back, and don’t doubt your own memories x

@Watchkeys I feel like I deserve an apology and not being lied to. But, I know it's unlikely to happen. I grew up never getting one from my family so it's a bit sensitive for me.

@PainPainGoAwayToday I have mental health issues, but not the kind that make you experience stuff that isn't there. He's going around saying I'm seriously mentally ill, when I'm not. But yeah it makes me question myself.

Thank you, it's probably right. He has nothing to gain from admitting it, and I mean he lied about the cannabis too (that I took a pic of and he still denied it) cause he's paranoid I'm recording him or something.

My ex did this too. I have MH issues but not serious and not ones that make me invent things that didn’t happen. I guess they find us easier to control if they blame something like that. Stay strong x

But he thinks he deserves to treat you the way he does. Who is right? You or him? Why does a person thinking they deserve something mean that they do actually deserve it?

Yeah I guess that makes sense. I think if he accepted even a little blame there would be cracks. It's just really messing with my head, bad. He's talking to me sounding so calm and reasonable that he can't accept that I say that's what happened. Maybe he truly believes that's what happened, that I attacked him and he defended himself. I asked what he defended himself from and he said I kicked him in the face.. yes, I did and I admit it to him too, cause he was pinning me down so hard and I wanted him to get off. He also asked me what I wanted to do with the apartment, I said I want and can afford the lease on my own now that I got accepted for education and then he said he wanted to keep it. Dunno why he even asked.

I am doubting myself so much.

It's not a court of law. Everybody is allowed to do anything, as long as it's legal, and nobody owes anybody anything. You don't deserve anything from anybody, and nobody deserves anything from you. If someone hurts you, there's no rules against that. There's nothing to protect you from not getting what you think you deserve. No rules or laws are taking care of you, in any emotional sense. There is nothing to look after you. There are no official guidelines about what we each should and shouldn't do.

Given all this, how are you going to make sure you get what you feel you deserve from people and from life?

He'd do that because he wants to have you come and subjugate yourself to him and admit it was all you, beg him back, and then he'll have more control over you then ever, and next time you won't speak up, you'll take the physical abuse because he's convinced you it's all your fault and that you deserve it. You don't by the way.

Exactly this, what a great post.

He can think, be and feel whatever he likes, that's his reality, however twisted it seems. And you can think be and feel whatever you like and that's your reality and no one can take it away from you except yourself.

If he has a different understanding about his assault on you, then that's not your problem. Your problem is how to protect your own feelings and sense of self by getting as far away as possible from people who use your own difficulties against you.
Good luck and take care of yourself.

@Watchkeys You're right. I see your exact point. I hope I can accept it in myself also, not just understand it and agree with it. I think I more than anything need to work on myself, so I learn to trust myself and my judgement. For being very smart I'm extremely confused when I don't understand others' actions.

@LunaAndHerMoonDragons It just breaks my heart. At moments I feel ready to just say I'm sorry it was all me, but it wasn't.

I keep looking over our relationship: I've not been easy to deal with. My mood swings and I feel depressed and angry on and off. So I've felt I've been abusive at times. I didn't really hold any real power regarding economy, living, physical size and gender but I've still felt I could have done so many things so mch better. I have continually sought professional help and admitted to anything I did without excuses and he know I wasn't well when we met. He's acted like a dick but I don't even think he sees his part in anything.

@johnd2 You and Watchkeys are right there. I think it will be hard times ahead, my goal is to just not let go of that last piece of sanity I feel that I have - my experience of what happened. I wouldn't lie about something like that, ever.

Abusers never think they are abusers.

Change your locks.

@felulageller I wish I could! it's his locks :/ He asked me 3 times what I wanted to do with the apartment so I took for granted I could ask to keep it, then when I said I wanted it he stopped answering and after i called him day after he said he wanted it for himself. Just weird to even ask then.

That just sounds like more abuse.

"my goal is to just not let go of that last piece of sanity I feel that I have - my experience of what happened. I wouldn't lie about something like that, ever"

It doesn't matter if you would lie or not (I believe that you wouldn't, but even if you would, it doesn't matter) and someone else's assertions don't change your own experience even if they want them to.
Keep holding on to your truth and never argue with anyone who isn't there to help you.
Take care.

@johnd2 Yes it felt weird he would even ask unless it was to bait me into something and then denying me it.

That is true. Thank you!

I feel truly awful. I just want him to come back. Trying to bargain with myself, I know it's pointless but the feelings are so intense. I wonder if he's going to come back, admit what he did, ever say sorry. Probably not, it's so so hard to let go of it, I just can't. I really miss him beside me in bed. Stressed that I have to find somewhere to live and can't find anything. Just so hurt by all of this. Don't know what happened really, he's acting like a totally different person, the week before he told me how much he loved me and then this, I don't get it. Maybe he wanted out and this became a good enough excuse.

You need to keep thinking of your DD. The relationship you were in was not a safe environment for her. He has weaponised your anxiety and your past traumas against you and if he had stayed, would continue to do so.

Detach, detach, detach and start making plans that are not dependent on what he does or doesn’t do.

I hope I can accept it in myself also, not just understand it and agree with it

The whole point of my post was that these things aren't something you 'hope' for, as if there is some outside entity to yourself, who can grant you permission to accept something in yourself. YOU are the authority. In the same way you don't look at the kitchen and think 'I hope I can produce some beans on toast today, I just need to work on myself first...', you don't 'hope' that self acceptance will come to you. YOU decide to do it, YOU take responsibility for doing it, and then YOU do it.

It's like with an addict, saying they 'hope' they won't use their substance of choice today. It's an abdication of responsibility.

For being very smart I'm extremely confused when I don't understand others' actions

There doesn't need to be any trust of your own judgement, or any hope, for you to make the decision to stay away from people who make you feel confused. It's just something that you do. A single action.

If you understand that there's nothing you need to change about yourself, then all the people who confuse you are just people who confuse you. It's not a puzzle to work out. You don't need to fix anything about yourself. There's nothing to learn. You just feel the confusion, and think 'Nope', and that's it; no more engagement with the confusing person. The problems come when you feel you need to 'work on yourself', because that means you think you're faulty, and therefore are to blame somehow.

You are not to blame for being confused by some people's actions. Not everybody will make sense to you, or to anybody. That's fine. You are responsible, however, for not putting yourself in confusing situations. That's all you need to do: stay away from things and people who confuse you.

@AgentJohnson Yes, it is, I know. I didn't end up contacting him, I called a friend and social worker instead.

@Watchkeys I understand what you mean. My emotions are so overwhelming to me I can't think straight. I have an appointment with a therapist next week, We've met twice to slightly plan what we are going to work on, going to update her next week regarding this situation.

That single action, it's so simple and so hard, I know what I should do tbh, then I get so upset that I forget or deny or beg, I've not had skills ever in my life to soothe myself - besides using time. I remember the first time I felt confused by him, it didn't feel nice but I reasoned it was probably me just not understanding.

You need to keep thinking of your DD. The relationship you were in was not a safe environment for her. He has weaponised your anxiety and your past traumas against you and if he had stayed, would continue to do so.

Hold onto this OP.

To take him back, let alone ask him back, would be to put him before your daughter.