My Mums gone batshit now I'm pregnant

[AliceAbsolum]

One example of many - We had our 20 week scan today. Everything was fine and we were thrilled to see the baby and get good news, find out the sex etc.

Called my mum and as usual she just made it all about her. She told me that she wanted a special gender reveal balloon (just for her) as she's coming round on Sunday. No previous mention of this at all. When I said I'd rather just tell her now and not have to go and spend money on a balloon she told me I was heartless "you only have half a heart don't you".

Then she said "The baby will have 2 mummies now". This child is donor egg so I asked her what she meant and she said "your her mummy and I'm her mummy"... What?! I quickly and firmly said "no. The baby has one mummy and one grandma, let's not go down this road". I literally had no idea what she was talking about, just desperate to get that boundary in there. She just dismissed it "oh right it's like that is it".

Honestly, I have no idea if she is just speaking thoughts without thinking and being a bit dodery and elderly, or whether this is some weird controlling thing.

We had a good morning and she had to be all weird about it. I'm dreading what she's going to be like when the baby is born.

Thanks for listening. I just don't understand her. At all.

Yeah that shits not normal. I think you were completely right to shut it down.

I think your going to need to be cautious of boundaries here and make them clear to here and stick to them.

That does sound bizarre. My mother was an “it’s all about meeeee” person but not to that extent!
The balloon thing is weird but maybe she’s seen it in a film or YouTube , but saying your baby has two mummies??? No.
Be firm with her. Let her choose her title or you choose granny, nanny, whatever and stick with that —- buy her a cushion and a photo frame with that on for birthday, Xmas to reinforce the idea.
And huge congratulations to you and DP.

I would say to her when she next days something " I think you forget I was ( and inc other siblings ) your child. I am now having one , and you will be ( whatever you call grandmother )

Yeah that’s all a bit much and overstepping the mark.

Thanks everyone. Good suggestions. She is baffling. Who says stuff like that.

She is absolutely not the egg donor!

Oh that would piss me off too.

That is bizarre. I'm sorry she's souring what should be a happy time. Has she had form in the past for making things about her?

Well done you though for nipping it in the bud the way you did. Keep the boundaries firm. She might tract badly to that but, that is her choice. Babies can throw up some weird reactions in people - I think some people freak out a bit at the thought of becoming a grandmother and getting old. She needs to deal with it and not ruin your experience.

Congratulations on your pregnancy

I’m a doting granny and your mum sounds batshit to me. I can’t imagine wanting a special balloon and calling myself mummy to my grandchild. Put her straight now to it’ll get worse when the baby arrives.

Sounds like a nightmare. My mum went a bit bonkers when I was pregnant. Deal with it now and put down firm boundaries. Explain what is not acceptable clearly.

That's definitely weird. How was she about you conceiving via donation? Is she totally on board with the baby being yours, just as if it was your egg? Just a thought but is it possible she thinks because the egg was donated, on some level the baby isn't 'yours' alone and therefore the right to parent is more up for grabs than it might otherwise be?
Idk but some women feel their daughter is an extension of themselves and this extends into when their daughter has a baby - line it's an automatic right that they get to share in the parenting.
You are right to establish clear boundaries now. When the baby is born, don't be pressured into letting her take the baby away from you for overnight visits or her turning up uninvited and taking over, under the guise of 'helping'.
If she's not generally batshit, see if she calms down. Otherwise keep your distance a bit. Be prepared for her wanting to be at the birth. My mum was at all of mine but in retrospect I think it might have been better if it was just me and my dh - I think she (out of concern and being an hcp herself) tended to take over at his expense.

Congratulations on the baby. So exciting a time!

My Mum and MIL both went a bit bonkers when I was pregnant. My mum ignored all my boundaries and my MIL told me she felt like my baby was actually her baby and she was her Mum. I actually distanced myself for a good while after that to send a clear message that she was being odd.
13 months on both of them are back to being completely normal and are amazing Grandmas.
Dunno what’s wrong with some people, maybe there’s some biological nonsense that happens when grandchildren come along.

Incoming mum who doesn't know boundaries. Nip it in the bud now as it will get worse when baby is here!

My mum went nuts when I was pregnant but the opposite way. She told me I wasn't ready for a baby (at 32) and shouted down the phone that her and my father didn't want their retirement ruined by looking after grandchildren 😐
Good on you for setting boundaries, repeat what you said if necessary until it gets through.
Look after yourself and your needs. Congratulations

She sounds bonkers. That would irritate me massively too.

Put her right on this every time. If she says "oh, it's going to be like that is it?" then reply firmly "Yes, it is!" Then let her stew.

Probably best to keep the relationship cool and a little bit distant for a while.

Don’t buy a balloon. They’re bad for the environment anyway. If she sulks she sulks🤷‍♀️

What has she been like as a parent to you?. Is your dad at all in your life; I ask only as he is not mentioned.

I would also keep your child, as well as yourself, well away from your dysfunctional mother going forward. She has all too clearly shown you who she really is and she is not an emotionally safe person to be around.

Oh wow! Mine was like this too, and I was 31, first thing she said was 'I'm not looking after it' she's a lovely granny to my girls now but quite detached still. I've realised since I've had them that she's never really liked me, which is a bit bleak but fuck her, you reap what you sow

Have some questions/phrases ready for the next time she starts:

• Do you realise how strange this sounds?
• I don't know anyone who has done that, where did you get that idea?
• No, that's not going to work for us.

To anything mean like 'you don't have a heart':

• That's quite hurtful, I really don't know why you would say something like that to your daughter.

If she sulks or ignores you, let her. At least it will give you a bit of peace.

Sorry you're dealing with this. Like a PP, I wonder what she was like as a parent - was everything always about her?

Has she always been a bit odd and boundary-less? Or is this new? Because if it's new, it might just be a little over excitement and a few months down the line she will be back to normal.

Either way, absolutely keep the lines firm. And I'd be answering comments like that with an incredulous, "what are you TALKING about"?

It's particularly amusing to me because my mum looked forward to being a grandmother her whole life and then fully embraced the experience. She loved being granny instead of mum - she got to do lots of fun stuff and cuddle and play and give treats without any of the actual responsibility! Don't get me wrong, she was a reliable carer and babysitter, but it was ad hoc and fun and she loved that.

So helpful to hear all your experiences.

@ImAvingOops
She was OK about the donor thing. But you're totally right about me being an extension of her. That's exactly it.

@AttilaTheMeerkat
She has never had any boundaries between us, treats me like I'm hers to do with as she pleases, no real consideration for what I might want or need. But of course she can have her volatile emotions.
I'm very boundaried and pretty distant from her now, but I honestly don't think she really notices most of the time. I think she is just incredibly emotionally immature and a lot of this is done out of ignorance not of pure malice.
My Dad died a few years ago. Emotionally abusive borderline alcoholic. She's never recognized this, or that it may have been in anyway unhelpful me growing up in that environment.
She has 0 theory of mind.

@Sakura7 that's brilliant advice thank you.

As others have said time to get the boundaries in ASAP. She sounds bat shit. Being brutal but try not to let her ruin this in anyway. This has been a hard road for you to get here -l know you from the infertility board. Surely she should be being more considerate not less?!

@GreyTS Sorry you had that experience too. That's exactly what my mother said. It's hard to hear
It sounds similar to your situation in that they have come round a bit, but still detached. Mum is good with kids underneath but I think she struggled a lot with me and my brother, 2 under 2 with all her family at the other end of the country, that she's glad those days are long gone.

OP, you've had some great advice here. I really like what @Sakura7 said.