My Mums gone batshit now I'm pregnant

[AliceAbsolum]

One example of many - We had our 20 week scan today. Everything was fine and we were thrilled to see the baby and get good news, find out the sex etc.

Called my mum and as usual she just made it all about her. She told me that she wanted a special gender reveal balloon (just for her) as she's coming round on Sunday. No previous mention of this at all. When I said I'd rather just tell her now and not have to go and spend money on a balloon she told me I was heartless "you only have half a heart don't you".

Then she said "The baby will have 2 mummies now". This child is donor egg so I asked her what she meant and she said "your her mummy and I'm her mummy"... What?! I quickly and firmly said "no. The baby has one mummy and one grandma, let's not go down this road". I literally had no idea what she was talking about, just desperate to get that boundary in there. She just dismissed it "oh right it's like that is it".

Honestly, I have no idea if she is just speaking thoughts without thinking and being a bit dodery and elderly, or whether this is some weird controlling thing.

We had a good morning and she had to be all weird about it. I'm dreading what she's going to be like when the baby is born.

Thanks for listening. I just don't understand her. At all.

How times change!

When I had a scan everyone was just glad that everything looked OK!

Not sure the sex was even mentioned.

We hadn't found out anyway.

Have you invited her on Sunday?

Think I'd put that off!

Or make your own balloon filled with any colours you like!

Not heard the phrase “theory of mind” but have googled and it’s excellent. I have one of those!

opposite for me though as some others have said, don’t be having a baby because you think I want a grandchild, don’t be thinking I want to babysit. Err ok then because those things were really my main drivers for deciding whether to try or not.

Yes I've invited her on Sunday, not seen her for ages so I'm due a duty visit. Some days she's fine, other days not so much.

Trouble is you can't talk to her about any of it. Whenever you raise anything like "I'm just wondering why you said that?" she says some thing like "oh don't be silly I was only joking you take everything so seriously". So basically she gets to say whatever she likes because she's 'only joking'.

I should be grateful she's not detached and uninterested... But I think in a lot of ways that would be better!

Text her and ask her what she would like to be called: Nan, Nana, Gran, Granny or Grandma.
Then buy her a mug or necklace with her chosen moniker on it. Do not bother with the balloon but you could, along with the mug, get her a blueberry muffin or a pink fondant fancy and reveal that instead.
She is being an arse, my MIL was the same (happy six month birthday, anyone?!) but if you choose your battles/make a fuss of her now, you can control your own reaction/resentment/bewilderment later. Try and sort out and make clear key things now: no, baby does not need x, y, z, please buy this or open this account for them. No, baby is ebf/mixed fed/whatever but you can burp them. No, baby cannot sleep over at yours yet but we would love you to babysit (insert date).
They are excited and fruitloops but when you got the sleep deprivation wall or need a date nifht, they might come into their own so don't write them off yet. Good luck x

This sounds like one of those situations where granny wants to take the baby for overnights and parade it around town like a war trophy. Tread carefully, OP.

Next time she says something batshit, you can always reply with - good one Mum, another of your 'jokes'.

Ime a hideous dm makes for an equally hideous dgm.
Be less available op.
Much less.
Would having your dh with you during her visits be better?
Find ways to manage her together of you can't go nc just yet.
*been nc for 20 years.
Bliss.

I've heard stories of grandmas trying to declare themselves the mum of their grandchildren before. Very odd behaviour and usually just leads to huge problems down the road.

That’s not on OP, the baby will only have one mum and that’s you. I always think people like this are weird, I know someone who was like this when her DD was pregnant said they would be co-parenting, just nuts.

Two Mummies? Yikes. Slowly walk away…she is indeed batshit

Sounds like she doesn't feel ready to be a grandmother, and that's why she is saying "two mothers". You are absolutely right to set boundaries. You might ask her "out of interest" what happened with her own mother when she said she was pregnant...

Been NC with DM for 10 years and shitty sibling for over 15..

Always wanted such a big say in how I ran my life to their benefit while contributing absolutely nothing..
Blood or not sometimes you just have to cut ties.

You'll have to keep inserying a boundary into your language to reinforce the separateness. But she will take every hint of separateness as a threat or insult.
Say things like 'anyway it's my baby so I'm looking forward to doing things my way just as you did things your way when you had a baby'. Or 'I have my own family now, do we'll have our own little traditions like at Christmas and stuff as well as enjoying older traditions' or 'I do things my own way, we all have our own way of doing things, isn't that right?'. 'its just a personal preference isn't it like everyone is different' .
That sort of thing without excluding her. She obviously likes having something to rescue or 'mother' as she's in control in that role but not so in control in other roles.

Your mum doesn’t sound dissimilar to mine in some ways. My mum basically came
to the birth of my child under the ruse of ‘bringing me stuff’ but didn’t leave until after baby was here and then played the whole oh my goodness can’t believe I was here for the birth thing. She also invited loads of extended family round the second I got home with baby.I would start setting boundaries now. Over the years I have started to and I’m better for it.

Or you could go along with it “great, can you do 2 night feeds a week, take the baby every afternoon 2-4 so I can have a nap, and these are the date nights I’ve organised with hubby for the next 6 months”…”oh and also, come clean every week, and do the ironing”.

@GreyTS Oh wow! Mine was like this too, and I was 31, first thing she said was 'I'm not looking after it

Oh blimey and mine, first thing she said after I told her I was pregnant was 'don't think I'm looking after it' that was even before a congratulations

I have never, ever, in all my nearly 70 years on this planet, come across this anywhere other than on here!

Every time she says ‘Oh, you’re being silly, I was only joking’, I would respond with ‘Don’t dismiss what I said as ‘’silly’’ and don’t dismiss me in that way. She cannot brush off what you say.

I have never, ever, in all my nearly 70 years on this planet, come across this anywhere other than on here!

Me neither. I've never run into this in the US. My MIL told us not to assume she was available for childcare, which we were fine with.

I know it’s difficult but you need to be a bit firmer but also accept that she’s batshit.

My mum has MH issues and sounds similar to your mum.

I used to get so frustrated as when you called her up on something she’d just go along with it but not mean it and I spent a long time trying to fight it and make my opinion heard etc but in the end I just accepted that she was batshit and that I can set boundaries but if she continues to cross them then I need to be the one to remove myself.

It’s like trying to have a discussion with a flat earther or anti-vaxer.
They cannot mentally grasp anything else and you trying to get them to see reason is just going to cause you more stress.

It is concerning that she wants a gender reveal (which is for parents) and is saying that she’s the other mum!
I’d be very worried that this behaviour is going to get worse and I’d work out your boundaries and stick to them.

The balloon thing - say no I’m not doing gender reveals so I can tell you now or wait until Sunday.

The 2 mummies - no I am her only mum and you are her gran. Like you said.

You are handling her very well but you also need to not let it get to you afterwards.
Theres no point bringing it back up as she isn’t going to acknowledge it.

She’s got issues.
It’s not your problem.
Don’t let her guilt trip you into crossing your boundaries.

Just tell her that it's only a joke if you're both laughing. And you're not laughing because it's not funny, and you're sick and tired of it.

Mine does that to OP! The “it was just a joke, you’re so sensitive” all the time. So. Annoying.

Anyway yours sounds even madder than mine 🤣 all you can do is keep distance and shut down the maddest comments, sounds like you’re doing great.

Congratulations, so happy for you, fertility treatment is such a hard road. Ifnore your batty mum (maybe DH could run communication with her for a bit?) and focus on your awesome baby 😍

Doting granny here, I really don't think it's biological . I never had he slightest urge to be mummy to my grandchildren or to demand my own speshul gender reveal balloon.

OP my best advice is sit down with your partner soon and really admit to yourselves how batshit she really is, never doubt yourself on that again, then decide on very firm boundaries for when the baby arrives, including exactly what happens when she goes too far (which may require not seeing her anymore).

She is going to push through all of your boundaries and when you've just given birth with hormones everywhere and sleep deprivation that's terribly hard to a level incomparable to what it is now (& even now it's annoying). If you and your partner have decided ahead of time exactly how to handle it, it makes like easier.

@Quia fancy replacing my DM and MIL? 😂😂