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Original poster

Big fight with dp, is it me or him?

42 replies

fizzbuzz · 19/01/2008 12:20

In our house are dp , me, (big gap I know) dss 21, dss 18, ds 14 and dd 18 months old.

It is not a big house, and it felt pretty full before dd was born. We knew we would be overcrowded then, but we wanted dd. We have one bathroom.

Since dd was born the following has happened. MIL stays 2 nights a week (on setee) (long story) Dss21 girlfriend stays about 2 nights a week (sometimes 3)

Now dss18 has asked dp if his girlfriend can stay. Dp said yes, but never bothered to ask me. Today I waited 35 minutes to go for a wee, as bathroom was full with dds21 and gf in shower (seperately!!). I was bursting to go. I just managed to get in before dss 18 went in for his 20 minute shower. If this had happened I would have weed on the floor.

I feel invaded as if our house is some sort of lodging house. We have overnight people 4/7 I am sick of bathroom business, and sick of too many people being in the house. I'm not bothered about friends staying overnight as they don't tend to hog bathroom but girls do.

Also because of the layout of the house everyone has to walk past dds room (it is impossible to change her room) and she gets woken up (she is a light sleeper, and a bad sleeper)

I would be less narked if dp had asked me, but he "forgot"He now says, "Well what am I supposed to do now, say no?"

Am completely peed off with him. He comes from a big family with a lot of people around him. I don't, I come from a smallish family, and seem to need more space than him.

Plus they all eat all the time

OP posts:
JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 19/01/2008 12:37

I think it's him, because it's his stepsons and your shared house, so he needs to consider (and possibly mediate between) you all.

Do your stepsons work? if so they should be contributing something to the food bill to help with the cost of feeding the extra guests.

And perhaps you and your dp can sit them down and establish some ground rules? Tell them to ask their girlfriends to limit the time they spend in the shower/bathroom as yours is a very busy household, and make sure both dss's have proper mirrors in their rooms (guaranteed the girls spend ten minutes applying slap in the bathroom)

Also, I'm sure there's some soundproofing stuff you can buy to limit the sound travelling through your dd's door, pita but if it helps you both get some rest....

Are you reluctant to say anything because they are your stepsons and because they're "grownups" now? Your dp must support you so you present a united front.

BecauseImWorthIt · 19/01/2008 12:38

Sounds like you need to find somewhere to squeeze in a second loo!

Original poster
fizzbuzz · 19/01/2008 12:44

Well it's partly because they are grown ups, and really should be able to come and go as they please. But our house often has 8 people sleeping overnight in it, and really it is only big enough for 5!

TBH, I don't really care, but I would have liked to have been asked so the bathroom issue could have been sorted out. Well I do care a bit, I do feel as if we are running some sort of guest house, but is this what it is like with older kids? I don't know

OP posts:
ConnorTraceptive · 19/01/2008 12:47

I think at 21 and 18 your dss' are old enough to have a chat with and discuss the situation and ask them for some considration.

Original poster
fizzbuzz · 19/01/2008 12:50

Yes they would be perfectly amenable i know. But dp said yes without asking me {grrrr}, and I do feel a bit invaded with no space. Is this unreasonable?

OP posts:
leoleo · 19/01/2008 12:54

I am 28. \\\\\met DP when we were 18 and we staied at his house all the time in the begining. And we were disregarding of the fact that people had to get up for work etc and in the end his dad said either get your own place or limited time spent here. Bacause we would be in bed most of day
so we started spending more time at mine which was less busy and not a problem.
Can they split the time between yours and gf?
I also think fair to say maybe put rent up for guests or buy their own dinners when people are staying.
It's everything isn't it the noise, the washing up, the bathroom etc

Original poster
fizzbuzz · 19/01/2008 13:00

Leoleo, I love you. It IS everything! A million people in the kitchen, a million people in the bathroom, all going up and downstairs all the time and waking dd up. I just feel invaded, and tbh, taken for granted.

I don't mind MIL staying at all, she helps with dd, although we can't go in the room she sleeps in in the mornings, so there is nowhere for everyone to sit down.

I don't mind dss21 gf staying really, but now this. I feel like saying, come one, come all, and throwing door open and giving up.

dss21 moving out in July, and really he is pretty considerate. But it is just the AMOUNT of traffic in the house

OP posts:
WigWamBam · 19/01/2008 13:01

I don't think it's either of you - I just think it's a difficult situation where your partner felt he just couldn't win.

With one of your older children having a girlfriend stay, it would be very hard to say that the other couldn't - would cause more hassle than it was worth. What was your dp to do - cause ructions by refusing one something that the other is allowed?

I do understand your frustrations, but I don't think he did anything out of line really.

I think you all need to sit down and talk. Establish ground rules, explain the need for consideration around the bathroom and the baby, discuss the older children paying their way and helping out around the house. It might be worth seeing whether you could manage to afford a second loo downstairs.

What's the deal with MIL on the sofa two nights a week? Is that something that you could change - maybe put her up in a Travelodge or only have her stay every couple of weeks?

lulumama · 19/01/2008 13:04

you must be overwhelmed !!

DP might be used to a big family and lots of poeple around him, but this is your family house, not a hotel ! why is MIL on the sofa twice a week???

if you only have one bathroom, it must be intolerable.

family conference time?

Original poster
fizzbuzz · 19/01/2008 13:06

I did suggest to dp, that he asks them to rotate gf ( not between each other!!!, but to rotate nights), but he just assumed it was OK.

Mil long story...Fil died 8 months ago, and she doesn't like staying on her own, although this is improving lately.

No space for loo downstairs, this is a essentially an extended 2 up 2 down, with no hall. 2 beds in attic, 2 on first floor and dss18 in cellar (converted you understand!)Big ktichen and 2 receps, but absolutely nowhere for a loo....

OP posts:
Original poster
fizzbuzz · 19/01/2008 13:09

Overwhelmed is the word Lulu Dp doesn't understand, when I say I feel invaded. He thinks I am being awkward.

I grew up in a house with a db 10 years older, and ds 6 years older. By the time I was 12 they had all left home, so I just remeber a lot of lovely silence.

Dp grew up with 3 db and a ds all close in age

OP posts:
lulumama · 19/01/2008 13:09

sorry to hear about FIL.

sounds like you are all on top of each other and you are feeling pushed out of your own home... need to discuss this rationally before you flip ! or change the locks when they are all out for the day !

leoleo · 19/01/2008 13:10

Rotate girlf might be the way to go. Ask them to make sure they both don't have them staying same night?
When my younger sister first has a boyfriend staying I realised it's hard you feel like you can't just be yourself at home.

Why don't you, dh and dd stay at travellodge

leoleo · 19/01/2008 13:11

I love the noise of silence.. Do you get what I mean.
Not a lot you can do about mil is there I think.

OLDroot · 19/01/2008 13:12

can you move?

leoleo · 19/01/2008 13:12

on my last post what I actually meant to say was - you do need to say something as someone else said or you'll prob flip and normally when that happens it is at the wrong person.

leoleo · 19/01/2008 13:13

OLDroot good idea - on her own with dh and dd!!

dittany · 19/01/2008 13:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OLDroot · 19/01/2008 13:18

yes that was my thinking

buy the house next door and move in with dd and dh - sorted!!

saltire · 19/01/2008 13:20

Could you not put a toilet/shower in the converted cellar?

Original poster
fizzbuzz · 19/01/2008 13:21

Leo leo
Perhaps I'll just go to travelodge on my own

We want to move, but as i said dss is moving out in July....housing is just so Goddam expensive round here. This is just an extended 2 up 2 down Edwardin semi...worth about £300k,

OP posts:
Original poster
fizzbuzz · 19/01/2008 13:22

House next door worth similar

OP posts:
PenelopePitstops · 19/01/2008 13:23

fizzbuzz sounds liek a nightmare

think you need to set up some ground rules with dp and the older children, could you perhps ask them to get their girlfriends to be elss time in the bathroom, and be a bit more considerate when moving around etc

leoleo · 19/01/2008 13:23

i often dream of booking in hotel alone with a book and roomservice..

OLDroot · 19/01/2008 13:23

a yurt in the garden? or a camper van? (yurt much cooler and can be used winter or summer)