Big fight with dp, is it me or him?

[fizzbuzz]

In our house are dp , me, (big gap I know) dss 21, dss 18, ds 14 and dd 18 months old.

It is not a big house, and it felt pretty full before dd was born. We knew we would be overcrowded then, but we wanted dd. We have one bathroom.

Since dd was born the following has happened. MIL stays 2 nights a week (on setee) (long story) Dss21 girlfriend stays about 2 nights a week (sometimes 3)

Now dss18 has asked dp if his girlfriend can stay. Dp said yes, but never bothered to ask me. Today I waited 35 minutes to go for a wee, as bathroom was full with dds21 and gf in shower (seperately!!). I was bursting to go. I just managed to get in before dss 18 went in for his 20 minute shower. If this had happened I would have weed on the floor.

I feel invaded as if our house is some sort of lodging house. We have overnight people 4/7 I am sick of bathroom business, and sick of too many people being in the house. I'm not bothered about friends staying overnight as they don't tend to hog bathroom but girls do.

Also because of the layout of the house everyone has to walk past dds room (it is impossible to change her room) and she gets woken up (she is a light sleeper, and a bad sleeper)

I would be less narked if dp had asked me, but he "forgot"He now says, "Well what am I supposed to do now, say no?"

Am completely peed off with him. He comes from a big family with a lot of people around him. I don't, I come from a smallish family, and seem to need more space than him.

Plus they all eat all the time

yurt

Do they live local? Can't they go home to get ready?

I WANT A YURT!!!

maybe when dss moves out you could look at getting another bathroom, then at least when MIL stays you have another bathroom and your own space. Would you be able to move rooms around when dss moves so that dd is not in such a nois place?

perfect solution

Suggest two nights aweek NOONE STAYS

One of those loos with the pump that can go 'anywhere' in the cellar and a shower and once the SSs have moved out it'll make a great guest suite. You do need to have a friendly sit-down with all involved and their girlfriends to impress on them that they need to spend much less time occupying the bathroom and contribute to meals and clearing up of same. You've enough on your plate with the baby and can't afford to subsidise that many people on such a regular basis.
Also you could 'book' your slot in the bathroom in the morning or make sure everyone checks that no-one needs in for a pee before taking their shower. Maybe a gong could be beaten everytime someone comes out the bathroom!

I think I will go and live grasshut-- yurt, but garden not big enough, although we do have a hut.......

Thank you so much for all your help, and very amusing replies. You have at least made me instead of being , although am still peed off with dp who has slunk off to a footie match accusimng me of spoiling it for him

Gong is good idea, but would wake non sleeping dd up (if she wasn't awake already)BUT, I can't say "this house is like a hotel" I sound like my parents

Yes, discussion is in order, but why didn't sodding dp think of that instead of presenting me with a fait accomplait

Because he's a man.. They don't think do they bless them
My DP think's my main role in life is to spoil things for him but life would gind to a halt. They hate speaking don't they
Just think 1 person is moving out soon and MIL will soon get stronger. She prob wants her own space as well.. Or could someone move in with her to keep her company or you go stay with her 1 night a week?

Also, and may be being an old bag here, my ds is only just 14. TBH I don't feel that comfortable with him being exposed to a lot of overnight girlfriend activity.

Or am I being an old bag?

I've got it! Well, actually LeoLeo already mentioned it but let's talk about it:

Both boys go to live with their Grandma! Then she's not afraid of being alone anymore! (Actually, it will sound delicious quite soon!). She can decide about their girlfriends.

Dss, 21, is an adult and should have been on his own years ago. Dss, 18, is now an adult and it is time to go. They can work, buy their own food, pay their own utilities (and can have as long a shower as they can pay for want).

Your DH should read this thread. I couldn't put up with it. With his two adult sons, that's too many people in a small place. Throw in three guests and it is intolerable.

Hansiemom

I doubt if it would make for good family relations if the stepsons were chucked out of the house!

FB I get what you mean about not wanting your 14yr old exposed to lots of staying over of GF's.

Do the GF's not work? Surely it is bound to be inconvenient for them to stay over 3 nights a week.... is there any possibility of the boys' taking it in turns to stay at the GF's place?

Actually, why do people need to stay over?

When dh & I were dating, he lived 30 miles away & he never once stayed over... he drove home.

As the time went on I began staying at his house at weekends, but that was just so he could have a drink & not have to drive me home everytime we went out somewhere...

I hate the thought of dd/ds asking me if their partners can stay over

Dss 21 is at uni, and doesn't want to run his debts up by moving out yet. He does stay at his gf sometimes, but she has a single bed so naturally they prefer to stay here.

Dss 18 is still doing A levels so isn't really in a position to move out. His gf is one of 14 (Catholics), so not much chance of him staying there.

I do worry about my ds seeing too much too young. I'm a teacher and we have to protect them at school, but it seems to be ok at home . I have mentioned this to my dp but he didn't seem to take it seriously. Also have just thought that my ex-p could object to his son being exposed to this, couldn't he?

Hi Fizzball

you sound like someone who has the patience of a saint and puts themself second.

I totally understand where you are coming from with regard to keeping family relations good, but there HAS to be a bit of reality chucked in FGS.

You have an extended 2 up 2 down, you are being good enough to house and probably feed two of your step sons who are really now young men, not kids.

You have an 18 month old child who must surely want a bit of peace and flaming quiet at times without this constant traffic and noise.

I think with your step sons being the age they are, you could have a bit of a family conference, sit them down and EXPLAIN that yes you would dearly love to accomodate them and their GF's as and when but in reality this is just not FEASABLE. yes you will have to have an about turn but to continue like this is NOT FAIR on you or your little one. Why the hell should you have to put in extra loos, sound proof etc for gods SAKES!!!!!!!!

the issue with regards your DSS's sex lives and the impact that night have on your Little one would not bother 'me' if I were in your situation but lived in a large house as people wouldnt have to be on top of each other but thats not the case for you and i suspect that eventually your little one may pick up on things she will not understand. the crowding, noise etc are much more pressing I would say.

TBH I think it would be utterly reasonable to have this adult conversation and say that sadly, to be fair on all concerned, girlfriends will not be able to stay, not due to meanness but just sheer logistics. They are of an age where if they wish to spend nights with their partners then they may have to look for a house share or similar, or maybe just spend the od night together on a weekend away. I would NEVER have been allowed to have bf's to stay and I never felt hard done by, it was just a fact that My parents liked their privacy.

Your DSS's will not wither and die for lack of gf's staying over at your house lol!!

I underatnd the situation with your MIL is different, but still, you are obviously a kind and thoughtful person to have her to stay on a regular basis, many wouldn't, hopefully in time she will find her feet again and that will work itself out.

Reclaim your home!! Good luckx

Mimimilk, thank you, your reply has made me cry..

Lo is only 18 months old, but I also have a 14 year old ds (just 14)and it is him I worry about being exposed to too many overnight gf's

Mil no problem, I like helping her