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Original poster

Old cheating guilt eating me up

33 replies

Amandamum2be · 01/08/2022 10:09

Hi all,

around two years ago I was on a night out and very drunkenly kissed someone briefly, I don’t remember it and was told by a friend. I wanted to call my boyfriend (now husband) and tell him at the time but my friends convinced me it wasn’t even a proper kiss and was a silly moment and better not say anything.

I decided that I’d not say anything as I didn’t want to ruin our relationship over something that was so stupid and insignificant in my mind (I know it may not be to him).

I stopped drinking completely the next day as I’ve always had a terrible relationship with alcohol and binge drinking and really don’t like the way I behave. I haven’t had a single drink in over 2 years now, I also started therapy straight after to delve into why I often seek validation/attention when drunk when sober me would never behave that way.

it’s been a few years and it pops up occasionally but mostly I’ve tried to forgive myself and move on. My husband and I have the most lovely relationship in the world he is my very best friend and I adore every piece of him. I committed in my mind that day to be the very best partner to could be to him and I think I’ve done a good job.

im now 5 months pregnant with our first and we are both so excited but all of this guilt and anxiety has started to come up for me again. I’m starting to wonder if it is wrong to start a family with this secret behind us!

should I tell him or let sleeping dogs lie and swallow my guilt as a reminder of how precious he is to me and to stay off alcohol for good.

just need to talk to someone and when I try to discuss with my two friends they are really dismissive and are like I can’t believe you are still thinking about this it’s so unimportant!

OP posts:
RedTonight · 01/08/2022 10:12

It was just a kiss. I wouldn’t feel guilty.

Ravenclawdropout · 01/08/2022 10:16

It would obviously be risky to tell him, and you may feel relieved and better while he would feel worse. I don't know if unburdening yourself in this way is the most loving thing to do. As a Catholic I would say go to Confession and then put it behind you! Is that an option? If you have any faith background I would talk it through confidentially with someone appropriate. I am just not sure what you expect to gain if you do tell him?

TillyTheTeddy · 01/08/2022 10:19

You really are overthinking this. Put it behind you.

GreenEyedFox · 01/08/2022 10:20

if you tell him it won’t absolve you of the guilt your feeling the guilt will be spread. It’ll do you no good to tell him. It was a kiss years ago. Move on

ComtesseDeSpair · 01/08/2022 10:26

Stop being so hard on yourself. There’s nothing to be gained for either you or your husband by you either “confessing” or letting it eat you up forevermore. You’ve already taken the action you needed to for your own well-being and that of your marriage, and given up drinking alcohol. That was the work required to put things right, and you’ve succeeded.

I’m not even sure I count a drunken kiss as cheating, to be honest, any more than the time my neighbour got so drunk she came home and tried to let herself into my house was burglary. You did something stupid and out of character when you were drunk, there was no malice or intent, no premeditation, no desire, no duplicity. It just isn’t the same as an actively planned encounter or affair.

Terrariatime · 01/08/2022 10:26

You've recognised why you did it, you don't even remember it, you've made massive life changes to make sure it doesn't happen again, and it's not even that bad, hardly a sordid affair. You've done your time, it will do more harm than good to drag this nonsense up. Enjoy your nice husband.

LunaLemon · 01/08/2022 10:44

Would it help to talk this over with someone objective like a counsellor so you can try to work through it?

ManAboutTown · 01/08/2022 11:22

This is a very minor thing and probably something most people have done at one time in their life. Definitely don't tell your husband.

I am more concerned about your ongoing feelings of guilt which may end up poisoning what sounds like an otherwise loving and stable relationship. That I would speak to a councillor about - for your own peace of mind and the future of your marriage.

Pregnancy is also a very emotional time with a big life change on the way and it is possible this could be exacerbating your feelings. As I said speaking to councillor will help - you can tell your husband your are doing this without going into the specifics

StarlightLady · 01/08/2022 11:28

L.P. Hartley
“The past is a foreign country; they do things differently there.”

This was such a minor thing anyway. Relax and move on.

KangarooKenny · 01/08/2022 11:30

I was told that I kissed a man on my hen do. I don’t remember it, and it’s not something I would do, so I’ve chosen to ignore it. I’ve no idea why someone would say it, perhaps jealousy at me getting married. Whatever, but let it go. It’s in the past, leave it there.

GreenIsle · 01/08/2022 11:32

No good could come from you telling him to forget about it.

GreyCarpet · 01/08/2022 11:34

From my perspective. If my boyfriend had done this - exactly as you describe including the subsequent choices you have made, I would rather not know.

If he told me, I would end it. Because I'd never be able to trust him again. Because I wouldn't be certain I was being told the whole truth. Because I would wonder why I was being told now.

i read a thread only this morning where it was suggested a man had 'come clean' about something incredibly innocuous because there was more to it; he was worried about it coming out; was getting in first with his version of events.

If you tell him, you'll be putting the anguish you feel now onto him forever. You know that you won't make this mistake again so deal with it and leave his peace of mind alone.

I would only say this is the exact scenario you describe, assuming this is the whole truth.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 01/08/2022 11:48

If all that's happening is what you posted here don't do that to him. If you feel you deserve some punishment for this (I don't think you do) then carry the guilt. Don't tell him, don't hurt him that way. You had a stupid moment, you got help, you know why it happened, you took steps to make sure it won't happen again, and you never want to repeat it, so why harm him? When we had our first and were still very much in love I wouldn't have wanted to know if he'd had a drunken kiss. Before kids maybe, but not after. Even now on the edge of breaking, I don't think it would serve any purpose to know about a drunken kiss with a stranger. Something ongoing, something with someone he's close to, something meaningful certainly, but not this.

pylonpal · 01/08/2022 11:52

TillyTheTeddy · 01/08/2022 10:19

You really are overthinking this. Put it behind you.

This.

Staynow · 01/08/2022 12:11

I think most lies and cheating in relationship are abhorrent but I think you need to reframe this - if it happened (you don't remember so can't be 100% sure) then that kiss was really positive and important because it made you reassess your relationship with alcohol and stop drinking completely and you even had therapy to make sure you never do something like that again.

As I said I'm really against lying and cheating but if my OH had done something like that and then gone to the lengths you had afterwards then I'd be ok with them not telling me and forgiving themselves.

Trisolaris · 01/08/2022 12:18

As others are saying, this is the rare cheating circumstance where if my partner had done this I would rather not know. You’ve used this to reassess and make a permanent change to your behaviour. You aren’t making excuses for it, and it was a short kiss not an affair or sex. Telling him will only hurt him and seems like self sabotage at this stage.

Original poster
Amandamum2be · 01/08/2022 17:02

Thank you all for your replies! It’s nice to hear from an objective point of view. And yeah what I’ve described here is it - I think I’m a perfectionist and before this I had pretty lousy relationships - my husband is pretty close to perfect and I think I almost just hate that in my mind I’ve tainted that in some way. But life is not all black and white and nobody is perfect so I need to just accept that I’ve done the work I needed to do on myself. I think I’ll take up some of your advice and go back to councilling because I possibly have some things still to deal with. Thanks so much x

OP posts:
StarlightLady · 01/08/2022 17:12

Take care, OP.

Onlyhereforthebatshitneighbours · 01/08/2022 17:19

It says far more about you that you are still feeling guilty about this after so long. Please forgive yourself Flowers

Original poster
Amandamum2be · 04/08/2022 17:09

Thank you! I appreciate your comment very much ♥️

OP posts:
Canabelievethis · 04/08/2022 21:51

My X with his lawyer hat on, always claimed, it is is a big mistake to volunteer/confess to anything like this as the innocent party will automatically suspect that what is being confessed to is only scaping the surface. Let sleeping dogs lie.

OP, you are over thinking ( possibly due to hormones) which could spoil your relationship at this special time.

Blue4YOU · 04/08/2022 22:41

OP - as someone who acted outrageously (in a way) when I was younger)albeit late 20s£ and single, I did a lot of things I wouldn’t do now.
If my husband told me now he’d kissed someone earlier in our relationship (we e buried a child and have a seriously disabled child who I adore), I’d just e a bit envious I hadn’t done the same.
life gets tough after children.
A kiss when drunk, early on, means nothing.
The rest of your life does.
But absolutely go to counselling and be absolutely heart felt honest. They will give you unconditional support.
if you’d shagged a football team on your hen do - they’d support you.
Get it off your chest to a counsellor.
And.. just because I’ve been there… add in how “perfect” your husband is. See what happens ( big secret.. no one is)

BlueSkyDay10 · 05/08/2022 10:15

Hi OP, just to let you know I'm in the exact same boat, except mine was a few texts, nothing physical. 5+ months has passed and I'm beating myself up every single day with shame and guilt, life is very tough for me feeling this way, I know exactly the feeling you're describing. I look at your situation with more compassion than I look at mine, it's been 2 years and to me, I think it's just a silly kiss. Nothing more. You took the appropriate steps and I think it's time to move on. Hormones could be adding into the mix, but to me you've done everything you can to rectify the decision. Don't tell him. Best of luck Flowers

Original poster
Amandamum2be · 05/08/2022 13:35

Thank you! You should try treat yourself with the same compassion you give to me because in my eyes I wish my situation was yours, I feel like I could forgive myself more easily for that. Be kind to yourself because at the end of the day we are all human and we all make mistakes. ❤

OP posts:
TheOriginalClownfish · 05/08/2022 14:58

I've cheated once in my life. And I did more than kiss as well. I was very ashamed and shocked because I've always had a black and white stance on it. I wanted to confess right away.

My friend told me at the time that when you are confessing out of remorse and guilt it's kind of a selfish act. You offload your burden sure, but now the other person carries it around with them and has to deal with it. She told me that if I wanted to punish myself over it, then the best way was to STFU and live with the guilt. And there was a lot of wisdom in that. What I did at the time was see it for the wake-up call it was. In my case it was admitting that I wasn't in love with BF and that I was miserable in the relationship, and ending it.

You did something you don't remember, and as a result, changed destructive behaviour. It was only a kiss, and something you know you'd never do again. So it did what it needed to do in your life for you, it's time to let the guilt go.