Old cheating guilt eating me up

[Amandamum2be]

Hi all,

around two years ago I was on a night out and very drunkenly kissed someone briefly, I don’t remember it and was told by a friend. I wanted to call my boyfriend (now husband) and tell him at the time but my friends convinced me it wasn’t even a proper kiss and was a silly moment and better not say anything.

I decided that I’d not say anything as I didn’t want to ruin our relationship over something that was so stupid and insignificant in my mind (I know it may not be to him).

I stopped drinking completely the next day as I’ve always had a terrible relationship with alcohol and binge drinking and really don’t like the way I behave. I haven’t had a single drink in over 2 years now, I also started therapy straight after to delve into why I often seek validation/attention when drunk when sober me would never behave that way.

it’s been a few years and it pops up occasionally but mostly I’ve tried to forgive myself and move on. My husband and I have the most lovely relationship in the world he is my very best friend and I adore every piece of him. I committed in my mind that day to be the very best partner to could be to him and I think I’ve done a good job.

im now 5 months pregnant with our first and we are both so excited but all of this guilt and anxiety has started to come up for me again. I’m starting to wonder if it is wrong to start a family with this secret behind us!

should I tell him or let sleeping dogs lie and swallow my guilt as a reminder of how precious he is to me and to stay off alcohol for good.

just need to talk to someone and when I try to discuss with my two friends they are really dismissive and are like I can’t believe you are still thinking about this it’s so unimportant!

It’s really common for pregnancy to heighten anxiety and it seems like this is what your brain has latched onto.

I would always want to know about cheating but this is a non event! And you’ve done everything to better yourself so it won’t happen again.

Telling him now wouldn’t make you feel any better. And it wouldn’t make him any better off either! Let sleeping dogs lie and forgive yourself, you’ve done some great work on yourself and that’s all that matters now.

Thanks for all of your replies! I’ve decided to, and made an appointment with a councillor. I think I stopped drinking and used therapy to uncover all of my old patterns and reasons WHY I had low self esteem/worth but stopped before I really tackled that as a separate issue. Hopefully the self hating etc ive described can be dealt with. Appreciate you all being so kind xx

OP, I cannot tell you how relieved I am to have come across this thread, after days of reading thread after thread on what feels like every forum in the world. I would like to share my story if anyone wouldn't mind taking the time to read it I would be very grateful (it is long I apologise):

I am in a fantastic relationship with my girlfriend of a year, we are incredibly happy and I know she is the one I want to spend my life with, she is the one and I love her dearly.

Before we got together I was in a rubbish relationship in which my ex had a long term affair (found out after she left me). After that ended I looked forward to dating and going out and meeting with/kissing/sleeping with people as I had never really done that much and had always really been in a relationship.

I signed up for a dating app, and within a couple of weeks had matched with my current girlfriend. We met up, and I quickly realised that she was great and I wanted to carry on seeing her, and I decided to not date anyone else. At the time I had thoughts that I hadn't really experienced single life all that much but I was so enamoured by this girl I just assumed those thoughts would diminish. I did consider ending it very early on just to be single for a bit but she was so fantastic I thought it would be crazy to let her go and so committed myself to her.

Our relationship blossomed and developed into a truly happy one and we are building a life, planning to live together, talking about marriage and kids one day etc, it really is my dream come true after being so unhappy in previous relationships, I feel so so lucky to have met her.

However, I hate myself for this but now and then that niggling feeling would creep into my mind - "should I have stayed single longer and got it out of my system", "am I missing out on being single and free before settling down" etc. These thoughts would be much stronger when I had had a few drinks (when my girlfriend wasn't with me).

I have always had a poor relationship with alcohol and binge drinking, in particular knowing when to stop, and on countless occasions ended up completely blind/blackout drunk. My sober rational mind knows that I am in an incredible relationship and I constantly have happy thoughts of the future with my girlfriend, but those stupid, single-y thoughts were at the back of my mind.

Last weekend, I met up with some friends that I hadn't seen in ages for drinks, and ended up (again) getting horrendously drunk (cannot remember much of the second half of the night). A girl I was talking to via text around the same time I initially matched with my girlfriend and was potentially going to go on a date with (but I chose not to because I started seeing my girlfriend and didn't want to date other people at the same time) was out as well and was also drunk. We talked, and in my complete blind drunk state in the early hours I flirted with her. I am not 100% sure but at one point we may have kissed briefly. I cannot exactly remember doing so but I feel so guilty I feel I must have, the memories are very blurry/non-existent.

Nothing went further than this, I went home shortly afterwards, too drunk to even realise and appreciate what had really gone on I was in such a state.

I woke up in absolute and complete horror at the thought I had cheated but not really remembering the actual events. Since then I have been in absolute mental torture with guilt, have barely eaten or slept, and have quite frankly felt the worst I have ever felt, it has completely torn me apart. I deeply, deeply hated myself for doing this and putting my relationship in jeopardy, and have been frantically searching the internet for advice, reading about people who have been in a similar position. Some people said to confess, but a lot said to use the guilt to finally rid yourself of the alcohol and commit to never doing it again.

With regards to the potential for her finding out, my friend saw us flirting and I found out the next day was annoyed at me, but I have spoken with him and he says he does understand, he is a loyal friend and it would not come from him. I do not have any contact with the girl herself (friends on Facebook however), but out lives have only ever crossed on very few nights out (which will not be happening again). She doesn't know my partner.

I actually believe my partner would forgive me if I were to tell her because we have such a brilliant relationship and so much hope for the future, but the thought of tarnishing the relationship and causing her pain is just so so incredibly horrible that I don't feel I can do that to her, or to us.

After a lot of panicked thinking and soul-searching I just about got my thoughts in order, and realised the reason this happened is firstly those idiotic thoughts about missing out on being single, and secondly my ability to get into a completely blackout state when drinking. The combination of those two things was in my case catastrophic.

This happening has led me to realise that these thoughts of fear of missing out on being single and getting drunk and meeting girls in town were so so stupid and that is of course not at all what I ever want, I want to be with my fantastic partner and have a happy life together. I can honestly say those thoughts are out of my system and I will NEVER EVER have them again. The thought is now abhorrent to me and I can't believe I thought that, but from reading a bit about it thoughts like that can be common for people sometimes.

It has also led me to seriously look at my relationship with alcohol. I have known for a while that I cannot handle alcohol in those crazy quantities well, I completely change and lose myself, however alcohol is a horrible and cunning thing and I kept convincing myself I could control it and I would be "fine this time" (clearly not). This is the final straw for me and I will NEVER EVER get drunk again, that is certain. I do have the ablilty to have a couple of drinks and no more, for example share a bottle of wine with my girlfriend which we do often, but I may even stop this tbh I am so disgusted with the way I acted with alcohol in my system.

After reading a million threads and comments on the internet, I eventually confided in my mum (who also loves my partner), and her opinion was very similar to a lot of the comments, that I should be glad that I didn't go any further and do something incredibly stupid, STOP DRINKING AND GETTING DRUNK, and commit to being the man she knows I really am, a good man and a good partner and future husband, put the whole thing behind me and forget about it, and work on those things, committing to doing those things and being the best I can be to my partner.

I feel like this may be the way to go, I just feel so so incredibly guilty and I was terrified and despairing at the thought that I might feel this intense guilt forever. Reading this threat has made me realise it will subside and I could live a happy life, whilst recognising that it will never fully go.

However I do now see that as a good thing, which was hard to see but with the help of my mum I do - I feel like my regret will forever make me remember what happens to me when I get blackout drunk, and ensure I never get like that again as I may get cravings again I'm sure, and make me forever appreciate my partner and remind that commitment to her and monogamy are what is important to me, and that the grass is not greener on the single and free side of the fence.

To anyone that has read this I thank you, if you wish to comment on it please do, I fully accept if you wish to berate me and tell me I am terrible, I guarantee I have thought much worse of myself since it happened. But I hope you don't think I am as terrible a person as I thought I was. Thank you very much.

In the same situation. A drunken kiss occurred, I was really drunk and was terrified with uncertainty. “How could I do this? How did this happen? how much I engaged in it? How can I stay with such a great guy when i’m capable of evil? Who am I? given that I never HAD/HAVE these desires sober. I know for a fact that I pulled away and said I had a partner, and then I called my boyfriend. I’d like to think I’d handle the situation the same, when you love someone you don’t judge them by their worst moment, I put myself in therapy without him asking and restricted my drinking severely, I know this will never happen again, but the guilt does eat at me. I guess I’m asking if it gets better?

I empathize with you, and I believe that you’re a good person or you wouldn’t have this remorse and guilt. Did you end up telling her? How are you today? I believe you because I am living what you’re living.

I think the fact that you feel so guilty over it shows that your morals are in the right place @Amandamum2be . While I had debates over always coming clean, this is clearly not the same as having an affair. I guess, option 1 is to live with the guilt, using it a means to remind yourself of your own boundaries and maybe a tool to tweak drinking habits? Option 2 is offloading it, telling your husband. And I do agree with those who mentioned it could be risky, he could feel hurt, but, on a positive note - you owned up to it. The irony is that even though you are the one asking for advice, you will be the only person to know what is right - For example, you know your husband, maybe you can gauge what his reaction would be. I know not everyone is like me, I personally would like to know if I was him. It's because I always opt for the truth and reality of things. Would it hurt me ? Yes. Absolutely. But I would like to know the full extent of my own relationship, the person I shape a unit with, flaws, mistakes and all.

Cheesewheel, i'm not sure if it was me you were replying to or the OP, but if it was me then to answer your question it has got easier over time, although has not completely gone away. I still get periods where I am down about the matter and an filled with shame. I am working to get through this, I have seen a counsellor which helped. I have slowly come to believe that I am a good person who whilst blackout drunk acted completely disproportionately to my morals and would never in a million years act in that way sober. What happened has truly changed my life to be honest, it has exposed flaws in my character and aspects of my character that I needed to address but was maybe too scared to. Most of all drinking - I came to realise that alcohol really was the source of and catalyst to essentially every issue and difficulty I was experiencing in life. As a result I have stopped completely. It took me a while to completely cut it out, even after what happened (alcohol has a horrible ability to convince you it is not the issue), but I am proud to say I have not consumed a drop of alcohol for one whole year as of Tuesday this week. To answer your question if it was meant for me, no I did not tell my partner about this. A part of me will always be ashamed of this, however I know her and it would not split us up, but would of course hurt her greatly. I could not bring myself to upset her like that, knowing that I had never done anything like it before and never would again, and would never get to that level of drunkenness again and be in such a position. I use the memory of the event and the anguish I experienced afterwards as a reminder to why I don't drink, why I cherish what I have and why I will never do anything to jeopardise that ever again. I also used it to promise to myself to be completely honest with my partner from that point on, this was another issue. My drinking was secret for many years (with previous partners and parents), and keeping things secret became second nature. I have forced myself to be open and honest and communicate everything. So do I wish it had never happened? Of course - the anguish I experienced, whilst of course completely deserved, was truly horrific and it has had far reaching effects on my mental and physical health since. But, ultimately did it serve a positive purpose? Yes, I believe so - my emotional maturity and self-awareness have increased a million-fold. I am a committed partner who will go to the ends of the earth to be loyal and honest with my partner, and of course I know my drinking will never hurt anyone, ever again. If I was asked, I would not lie about it, however I consider it my cross to bear. Many will consider me a coward for this, however if you have been through it yourself and you truly know that this was not a true reflection of your past, present, or future self, you will understand. I will never forget what I did, and will never completely forgive myself, however I have learned to go easy on myself as a human that makes mistakes and was under the influence of a very powerful drug that I have now actively shunned. I hope you find peace - please feel free to message me if you need to. All the very best.

What good would bringing it up do? It would cause more harm then good. It was only a kiss and you've acknowledged your wrong doing.
I'd draw a line under it and move on.