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Original poster

Lone parent and dating again

29 replies

BiscoffSundae · 31/07/2022 21:50

Is it possible to date again as a lone parent (so kids with you 24/7 no other parent) any stories of hope? Starting to think it’s not possible. Anyone been in this situation and made it work?

OP posts:
Silvercurtains · 31/07/2022 21:57

Tried to make it work and realised you can’t without introducing your new partner to your children very quickly (which I’m not willing to do). I’m having to wait until they’re older to get into a new relationship. Sorry. I know it’s not what you want to hear.
I think it also depends on your children’s age (I had a friend with a pretty oblivious 2 year old. she had new boyfriends at her house at 7pm once child was asleep - you can’t do this with older kids) and if you have a friend/family who’s happy to have them overnight at least once a week so you can date.

Original poster
BiscoffSundae · 31/07/2022 23:08

Ah that’s interesting to hear I would have hoped it got easier as they got older 😣

OP posts:
anthurium · 31/07/2022 23:26

Watching with interest.

I had my DC very late (late 30s) so if I'm considering waiting until he is on his terms, I'll be in my mid 50s. By then menopausal and probably disinterested in sex/romantic relationships. At the moment I'm not too bothered about not dating/not having a romantic partner as my DC is very young, but I do wonder how this part of my life play out. I also don't want to introduce anyone to my son quickly so agree with you @Silvercurtains

Other than babysitters which are expensive and not really a solution long term, no concrete advice op @BiscoffSundae

In terms of dating, are you wanting to spend a lot of time together/be intertwined in each others' lives?

anthurium · 31/07/2022 23:27

*waiting until he is in his teens!

Original poster
BiscoffSundae · 31/07/2022 23:46

Yes not looking for a FWB or casual not really my cut of tea, my youngest is 5 so teens feels a long way off 😭

OP posts:
RoyKent · 01/08/2022 09:54

I do have family support but live with mu mother so I've accepted I'm never going to have sex again.

Original poster
BiscoffSundae · 01/08/2022 13:40

RoyKent · 01/08/2022 09:54

I do have family support but live with mu mother so I've accepted I'm never going to have sex again.

Will your family have them for you to go out and meet someone?

unfortunately no family help here, they won’t have my children so not an option, sadly doesn’t seem like anyone’s been able to make it work? I haven’t had sex in 5 years 🤣

OP posts:
Inthesameboatatmo · 01/08/2022 14:18

I've been trying for 2 years. It's really not doable at the ge moment so I've given up. The getting childcare only to be let down last minute by almost every fuckin guy has done it for me. I dont have family or friends around kids don't see their dad. So even if a date did show up and it went well I couldn't sustain seeing them regularly enough to make any kind of relationship work.

RoyKent · 01/08/2022 15:57

I did have a "hook up" a little while ago but when I text about meeting up (I had to really push myself to fo that) he didn't reply. Pros- it reminded me that I'm desirable, cons- reminded me that life is much more complicated.

Do you have people asking about your dating life? I always have people wanting to set me up but it never comes to fruition.

touchedout2022 · 01/08/2022 17:00

It depends on how much effort you are willing to put into it. Where there is a will there is a way .

Even with the lack of childcare, there is a way . Firstly to take the pressure off , sign on OLD with the mindset that you are there to make friends. Be open minded, chat to as many men as you can , if you can have a second phone/number, give that out until you are willing to move things forward. When the kids are at school, you can set up coffee/walks dates. A lot of men work night and are available for coffee/daytime dates .

As you know OLD is tricky so you have to be patient and trust your instincts.

Goodluck OP

RoyKent · 01/08/2022 18:08

touchedout2022 · 01/08/2022 17:00

It depends on how much effort you are willing to put into it. Where there is a will there is a way .

Even with the lack of childcare, there is a way . Firstly to take the pressure off , sign on OLD with the mindset that you are there to make friends. Be open minded, chat to as many men as you can , if you can have a second phone/number, give that out until you are willing to move things forward. When the kids are at school, you can set up coffee/walks dates. A lot of men work night and are available for coffee/daytime dates .

As you know OLD is tricky so you have to be patient and trust your instincts.

Goodluck OP

But I work full time so I'm at work when the kids are at school.

pjani · 01/08/2022 18:12

How many kids have you got? Could you try and develop some mum friendships so you can offer each other mutual help? As in you take their two kids once a fortnight for the afternoon and vice versa? That way ok the time might not be right to develop a relationship but you could have some more casual relationships (or a very very slow moving serious relationship).

SecretSnake · 01/08/2022 18:14

Yes I met my husband while I was a lone parent :) it’s tricky but doable! Feel free to ask me anything.

Original poster
BiscoffSundae · 01/08/2022 18:26

pjani · 01/08/2022 18:12

How many kids have you got? Could you try and develop some mum friendships so you can offer each other mutual help? As in you take their two kids once a fortnight for the afternoon and vice versa? That way ok the time might not be right to develop a relationship but you could have some more casual relationships (or a very very slow moving serious relationship).

No unfortunately not realistic I have 4 no one will have 4 🤣

OP posts:
MintJulia · 01/08/2022 18:31

I managed a 5 year relationship from when ds was 4 to 9. It wasn't easy and took a fair bit of planning but it is possible.

It will take an adaptable partner....!

IckyPop · 01/08/2022 21:01

Yes it is possible, but reliable babysitters are a must.
I'm a sole parent to my 9 year old, have been seeing a lovely man for a year. At first we would go out or I would go over to his (his kids are older and don't live with him).
Then after 2 or 3 months he started to come over to mine for the evening after my kids bedtime in the week, and I'd get a babysitter if we saw each other at the weekend.
I've managed to get quite a few overnights with friends/family/babysitter. He's just meg my child just few times in a very casual "my friend" kind of way.
Things are going really well but we have taken it quite slow.
Good luck, there are good ones out there, and it is possible to have a bit of your own life again.

IckyPop · 01/08/2022 21:04

*Met not meg my child 🤦‍♀️😂

brokenandbrokenx · 01/08/2022 21:24

Baby/child sitter?

Coffeesnob11 · 01/08/2022 21:32

I have no odea how people do it either. I work full time, I use any favours for work travel etc. I would be loathe to pay for a babysitter to be bailed on or meet up with someone unsuitable for a coffee. I am never not at work or with my child so I just don't see how having time would work either. I am happily single now but I think about it more as I know its virtually impossible. If I could I probably wouldn't iyswim.

Lindasllama · 01/08/2022 21:54

You see I go against MN protocol about waiting to introduce.

The relationship two people have with each other is VERY DIFFERENT to one with kids in the mix ...

So personally I introduced DH to mine very early . But in a very casual way. Meet up at a picnic in the park where there are canoes and pedalos.. I needed to see how he interacted with children. Was he able to put his interests (me) after theirs .. he passed with flying colours .

Many more months of 'friend' dates ensued.. finally he stayed. (He had stayed with me months before while they were with their dad) ..

It went from there and 3 years later we married.

Absolutely NO POINT in wasting 6 months of your life pretending you are single. He needs to nonthe reality of it soon as possible. If not for him (or you) then move on.

We've been married 15 years. 7 kids between us.

Musttryharder2021 · 01/08/2022 22:10

I think the issue is you can never be the way it used to be when you were child free and carefree. Also, a relationship needs spontaneity. There is very little of it unless you have a 50/50 split and coparent well with your ex partner.

Original poster
BiscoffSundae · 01/08/2022 23:02

Well I’m not going to give up and stay single forever, I’m only in my early 30s feel too soon to give up on having a partner!

babysitters not sure I would be able to afford them I can’t believe the prices of them these day’s and they want take away and taxi home as well not affordable for most single mums especially not regular enough to date, more an emergency thing, no friends or family to help.

OP posts:
touchedout2022 · 01/08/2022 23:40

Lindasllama · 01/08/2022 21:54

You see I go against MN protocol about waiting to introduce.

The relationship two people have with each other is VERY DIFFERENT to one with kids in the mix ...

So personally I introduced DH to mine very early . But in a very casual way. Meet up at a picnic in the park where there are canoes and pedalos.. I needed to see how he interacted with children. Was he able to put his interests (me) after theirs .. he passed with flying colours .

Many more months of 'friend' dates ensued.. finally he stayed. (He had stayed with me months before while they were with their dad) ..

It went from there and 3 years later we married.

Absolutely NO POINT in wasting 6 months of your life pretending you are single. He needs to nonthe reality of it soon as possible. If not for him (or you) then move on.

We've been married 15 years. 7 kids between us.

I agree with you re introduce the kids fairly early on especially if you are wanting a long term relationship. What if one waited 6 months and the kids don't get on with him . It will be a total waste of time. You are proof that it can work when you don't wait at least a year according to Mumsnet to introduce the kids

Original poster
BiscoffSundae · 02/08/2022 00:10

That’s the thing it’s easy to say wait 6m to a year if your ex has the kids half the time I’m sure that’s very doable but those that are with them 24/7 not possible, am I expected to give up until my kids are in their teens?!

OP posts:
Musttryharder2021 · 02/08/2022 00:17

BiscoffSundae · 02/08/2022 00:10

That’s the thing it’s easy to say wait 6m to a year if your ex has the kids half the time I’m sure that’s very doable but those that are with them 24/7 not possible, am I expected to give up until my kids are in their teens?!

It depends, some women decide to move a man in asap so that way they get to have a "relationship". It depends how badly you want a relationship, if you want it really badly I guess you'd be prioritising yourself and not your children.