Hand held please! Abusive homeless ex.

[Justmeandme19]

O God I don't know here to start!!
I'm going to try and be a bit evasive to avoid giving away my identity.
But long story short. My ex husband, father of my 2 primary school children hasn't seen the children for 2 years. This came after many many many court hearings when a civil court order was granted, stipulating there is to be no contact. He has a history or abuse towards the children, me, his last girlfriend etc etc etc. He is also a drug used.
I am aware he became homeless several months ago, he has now turned up in my home town, he is busking in the centre of town. If I went to down as I often do, I would probably bump into him. I'm really not sure how to handle this situation as it will be distressful for the children. He has no other reason to be here, except for us.
Do I tell the children and just get on with life, but allow them to just say hello to him in town quick chat and then move on?
What the heck do I do? How do I safeguard my children ? How do I safeguard myself (he has previously threatened to kill me).?? Any advise anyone

Will they recognise him? Do you know where he busks or does he move round?

Jesus that's a worry

Non mol order in place??

I feel for you this is my worse fear

Yes they will recognise him. Not helped by his singing as if they don't recognize him they will his voice!!
Also I have no doubt that he had come to this town to try and see the children and unnerve me.
I can see him creating a seen in town and the kids getting very distressed.

No restrictions to him movements, so he's able to move around as he wants. The only restriction in place is regarding the children. He carnt have them with out my consent, which I obviously wouldn't give.
I'm so so flipping angry, they have witnessed enough and life has only just started to ease up. I've stopped looking over my shoulder and feeling fearful. We have ha very full and busy life going out and about. The kids do many after school activities, him being around will hugely effect this.

Do you have a non molestation order? If not get one urgently. If he has been kept from the children then the abuse was at a high level. Absolutely do not stop for a chat, or to say hello. That is blurring the lines.

avoid him at all costs!

It's not that easy just getting a none mol though. He's entitled to be in town. The court order is a civil one, social services were very poor, they did a really rubbish job. So they had a cafces guardian (not a normal caffcas officer. She was fantastic

Avoiding town is just not feasible. My kids would have to give up their clubs, never visit the library. Never go shopping in town. I also wouldn't be able to go out in work with the clients I care for. It's really not feasible.

Might be worth finding out if he needs/has a license to busk? If he needs but doesn't have, the police could move him on, and if they do that often enough, he might give up.

When you got into town with the children, have a ready made reason that you need to be somewhere next (bus to catch, meeting someone after etc) If you bump into him allow the children a bit of small talk, be polite but don't engage and then make your excuses. Give the children some time after to talk things through.

I work with foster carers where bumping into parents can be awkward (if the contact arrangements are meant to be formal/supervised) and this tends to be the way we ask people to handle it. Obviously if you're in immediate danger you'd take whatever steps were needed.

Paintsplat.
Thank you for that. I did wonder if this should be the way to go. The problem is we could bump into him 4 times a week or more.
I also don't know if I should prepare the children? I really don't know how they would react to seeing him?
I was wondering is I should contact social services for advise? I'm not there biggest fan though as they let us down

Yes I would do this right away

Please don't take any risks
How bloody upsetting for you all 😢😢

Try and cut him off from the children's lives as much as possible. He sounds like a complete waste of space

Non molestation order immediately

You may still be able to get an injunction to keep him away from you. There's always a chance he might not stick around for long anyway.

Past abuse and the fact he is now local and unavoidable for you when he could easily go elsewhere should be enough. Previous court papers if police won’t help - I would pressure them heavily to help protect you - use words like safeguard children, former physical abuse etc then contact a solicitor asap

So sorry you are going through this. No experience but I’d suggest ask your solicitor, social services, police and woman’s aid for their advice

Rollercoaster
I've done that already. Hence the 14 court hearings! I've done my 100% best to protect the children. He was given every chance to change/engage with the professionals, but chose not to. He's worst than a waste of space he has actively emotionally abused the children and neglected them.
Carnt even get hold of the police on the non emergency number. Been trying for hours , god I'm fed up of all this shit.

Try speaking to your local DV charity/organisation for advice.

I would also speak to Social Care and express your safeguarding concerns and see what they suggest. You might get lucky and get a different person to before.

Finally got through to the police and spoken to a call handler.the police should call me back within a week 😯.
GottabeStrong tbh I'm scared of contacting social services, I really don't want them in my life. I feel they did a lot of emotional damage to me and failed the children.
I'm also not sure I trust their intentions.
Think I will be avoiding town until I have spoken to the police.
Litually started to move forward in life. I've been seeing a lovely chap the last few months. I've not really dated before as I didn't want to intaganise my ex husband.

Isn't there a service that helps women get non mol orders?

It was recommended here to me a while ago

Or if you can get a 30 min free consultation to see a solicitor

Be very careful
He sounds so dangerous

I've spent so much on solicitors, so so much. I really don't have any more left for one. It's a never ending situation. I litually don't know where to turn!
I'm trying to keep a level head and see the positives. Eg we're in the school holidays so none of their clubs are running. Most of their clubs are in town, so would more then likely bump into him. Also I've started to give both children more freedom with them getting older. This will also have an impact in them.
Honestly I'm so bloody angry.

I don't blame you

This is my worse nightmare

Woman's aid?

Any other phone lines to offer advice ?

Non mol best option

I have spent thousands too

The system is so unfair
But remember
You have managed to keep them safe so far and removed yourself from this abuser so congratulate yourself for your strength too

Sending solidarity 🙌🙌❤️

Yes the free non mol service is NCDV. You can self refer: www.ncdv.org.uk/

Rights of Women are really helpful regarding the legalities of situations like yours - rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/violence-against-women-and-international-law/domestic-violence-injunctions/

Family law
We have two family law advice lines, one national and one for women in London.

Both lines can advise you on:

domestic violence and abuse
divorce, finances and property on relationship breakdown
cohabitation, finances and property on relationship breakdown
parental responsibility and arrangements for children
lesbian parenting
National family law line
This line is for women in England and Wales who need family law advice.

Call: 020 7251 6577
Opening hours:

Tuesday 7pm – 9pm

Wednesday 7pm – 9pm

Thursday 7pm – 9pm

Friday 12pm-2pm

The line is closed on bank holidays

rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law/

This must be so hard. I can see my useless ex going this way to be honest, and I'm not sure how I'd deal with it.

How do they feel about him? To be honest, if they haven't seen him for 2 years, considering his scummy habits, I would just completely block him from their lives. Which would mean deliberately ignoring him if you see him in town, all of you. Have you considered that other people might see him first and tell your kids? Maybe you should find a way of explaining to them?

Lots of sensible advice above - perhaps one thing I can add is to maybe try the Citizens Advice Bureau to help you proceed in the most effective way.

I'm your ex sounds like a total scumbag and his life doesn't appear to be on an upward trajectory that's for sure