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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mother in law - filthy house

39 replies

Frosty1000 · 31/07/2022 17:54

Hi all,

Picture the scene......your mother in law's house was an absolute pig sty as in disgusting, smelly, mouldy food everywhere, cat litter trays not cleaned for a month and so their business is everywhere on the carpet.......

So this is me 🙂. Hubby has tried to clean up a few times over the past year but it never improves and she doesn't see there's an issue, you know completely oblivious etc.

I refuse to go and have said my 7 year old can't go either as it'll make me 🤢🤢.

She's wanting us to go for a meal and hubby says he can't tell her the reason we won't go as she won't get it so we're pussy footing around it. If it was my mum I'd be all for honesty but I can border on blunt.

She's in need of help we get it so is honesty the best policy and potentially upsetting her or do we continue to avoid it and potentially make it worse as we've not told her her house is disgusting.

Thoughts please, what would you do?

Thanks! 🙂

OP posts:
Xiaoxiong · 31/07/2022 17:58

In the short term, invite her out to a restaurant, or to yours.

You say she's in need of help - does she realise this, has she asked for help? How did she react when her son was cleaning her place - was she cross? Bemused? Grateful?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/07/2022 18:06

How many animals does she have?. It appears she cannot look after them either.

How long has this situation been going on?. Has she also hoarded items?.

How did she react to her house being cleaned previously?. Was she upset by this happening?. Sadly you cannot help anyone who does not want to be helped here. You can inform the relevant authorities like her GP and I would also ask the council to perform a needs assessment.

GreenManalishi · 31/07/2022 18:14

Just stick to your guns and say that your DH is welcome to visit her, but you or DC wont' be unless and until her house is in a reasonable condition (bets are this won't every happen so be prepared to dig in). Agree to meet her in a restaurant locally, stay in a premier inn if she's not local to you. Let your DH deliver the news. His mother, his problem.

Ravenclawdropout · 31/07/2022 18:20

Definitely keep being caring and friendly but absolutely no reason to go to her unhygienic home if she is not willing to make it hospitable for others.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 31/07/2022 18:31

Does she have mental health issues? One of our neighbours has had support from social services, as she is partially sighted and the house is disgusting because she can't see to clean it, cook and is a danger.

You might be able to get some support that way?

Original poster
Frosty1000 · 31/07/2022 18:45

Thanks for the responses.

I suspect she's depressed but no formal diagnosis as such. She's not very mobile as in she can't get in the bath so yes she smells. 😳😳

Hubby isn't upset with my decision as he's in agreement but isn't saying anything to her about it now as the last time she was very defensive, angry as she's completely oblivious. Between us he does need to have a bit more of a backbone as he's avoiding it rather than addressing it. I'm keeping out as his mother, his problem. She doesn't ever phone me so I can't gently give her a nudge.

She said oh isn't nice for my boys to do the cleaning for me as it'll save me doing it.🤦‍♀️

I'll happily go to a local pub but it's the going back for a cuppa and see the cats thing - she has 2 poor animals and yes she's not looking after them well.

Thanks again for different perspectives 🙂

OP posts:
blacksax · 31/07/2022 18:47

If I knew of someone keeping cats in disgusting conditions like that, I'm afraid I'd have to report them to the RSPCA.

constantias · 31/07/2022 18:51

A frank, conversation is needed for her sake and the animals. It will be uncomfortable but something needs to be done.

Thinkingblonde · 31/07/2022 18:51

I think it’s time for honesty… but with kindness and compassion. How old is she?
My husband and his sister had to step in with a similar situation, MIL was in continent

constantias · 31/07/2022 18:52

I think going round for a meal is secondary, minor concern. If not you should probably report as @blacksax says.

Georgeskitchen · 31/07/2022 18:57

She I obviously in need of help. Contact adult social services

2bazookas · 31/07/2022 19:01

DH's job to tell her " Lets meet for lunch out. I'm afraid we're not going to bring DC to your house because of the smell and cat poo. It's not safe".

Redburnett · 31/07/2022 19:04

Old people who won't face up to the reality of their situation are impossible IME. In you position I would refuse the invitation, and keep refusing similar ones. Do not risk food poisoning in the interests of not offending.

Redburnett · 31/07/2022 19:08

The worst cat story I heard recently concerned an elderly woman with mild dementia who had agreed to go into a home. The family went to collect her on the day and she told them she had taken her cat to the vet to be euthanased as she could no longer look after it. Relative said 'but you don't have a cat..'. I know i should be horrified but it still makes me chuckle.

IheartJKRowling · 31/07/2022 19:09

You bothered about mess when she is so disabled and in need of help she can't get herself in and out of a bath for personal care?

Her son, your less than caring husband should be arranging social services involvement and support for her. I wouldn't believe what you've just written if it wasn't for the fact a good friend works as a carer and has told me stories about families who feel no responsibility when an elderly relative needs support. If you can't bring yourself to care about her at least make sure the animals don't keep suffering.

constantias · 31/07/2022 19:14

I agree @IheartJKRowling

I can't believe the dilemma is not how to help the mother in law and her pets but the 'going over for dinner or not, as the place is filthy, and how to break it to her' instead!

Adult social services and RSPCA possibly need to be involved.

MarmiteCoriander · 31/07/2022 19:15

I'd be calling adult social services and the RSPCA. Is your DH not concerned that his mum could slip on cat poo and fracture a hip, be lying on the floor for days or dead? Is he not concerned that she cannot even wash herself? Does she have capacity still?

CakeCrumbs44 · 31/07/2022 19:17

Your husband could help her sort out some of these issues, for example getting a walk-in bath installed and finding out what mental health support is available.

OnaBegonia · 31/07/2022 19:20

Id be phoning Environmental Services as an anonymous neighbour and report the smell etc and RSPCA for the poor cats.

Ilikewinter · 31/07/2022 19:22

I think he needs to have an honest conversation with her, can approach it from a keeping her safe angle, ie cant get into the bath, worried she may fall, cats welfare, health aspect from cat poo etc .... see if she will accept some help?

limitededitionbarbie · 31/07/2022 19:25

Is it all just too much for her? It does sound like depression

Would it help if she moved somewhere more manageable.

Can you or she get a cleaner to come in and help her?

Does she need a caterer to help her get in the bath etc.

It could be she's just overwhelmed and needs proper help and she's probably gone nose blind to the smell.

If it were my mum I'd be talking to her about how to help her.

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 31/07/2022 19:31

dm, It seems that the housekeeping has got away from you a bit, which makes perfect sense with your health problems. But it does mean we dont feel comfortable sitting down here, or knowing you are having to sit in this. We are happy to help you have a sort out and to help you keep it up, and to talk about how we can best help with that.

My sister is like this. We just dont go any more and she understands why. She made her choice - live in squalor - and we made ours.

Tonkerbea · 31/07/2022 19:32

The tone of this is so weirdly light hearted. Why is your DH not more concerned about how much his mother is struggling?

bellac11 · 31/07/2022 19:35

You need consent to make a referral like this to SSD, its not a safeguarding referral in that she isnt at risk from violence/exploitation etc

Depending on whether she has capacity it may be seen that she has the right to make a poor choice about her living environment. Her not asking for help or getting defensive when it was last raised suggests she doesnt think theres anything wrong

Thats different of course about the cats, they need to be safeguarded and a referral should be made to the RSPCA, cats need clean bowls and litter trays.

Original poster
Frosty1000 · 31/07/2022 19:41

I'm sorry if my post came across light-hearted or uncaring. That wasn't the intention as my question wasn't about the help she needs as that's a given and I couldn't convey everything in a post on here.

We're very aware of what needs to be done and hubby and his brother do need to continue to help her with the future. Thanks for the replies.

OP posts: