Mother in law - filthy house

[Frosty1000]

Hi all,

Picture the scene......your mother in law's house was an absolute pig sty as in disgusting, smelly, mouldy food everywhere, cat litter trays not cleaned for a month and so their business is everywhere on the carpet.......

So this is me 🙂. Hubby has tried to clean up a few times over the past year but it never improves and she doesn't see there's an issue, you know completely oblivious etc.

I refuse to go and have said my 7 year old can't go either as it'll make me 🤢🤢.

She's wanting us to go for a meal and hubby says he can't tell her the reason we won't go as she won't get it so we're pussy footing around it. If it was my mum I'd be all for honesty but I can border on blunt.

She's in need of help we get it so is honesty the best policy and potentially upsetting her or do we continue to avoid it and potentially make it worse as we've not told her her house is disgusting.

Thoughts please, what would you do?

Thanks! 🙂

Wheresmywoolyjumpers - those words are perfect - thank you

Please call the RSPCA. They will call round and insist she cleans up.

If your DC is only 7, what age is MIL? Not an ageist question, but more to understand what is her stage in life currently? I imagine she must have many years ahead of her, and her adult children (not you) need to be thinking of how she can live independently into the future. Signs like poor pet hygiene, personal hygiene, etc are red flags indicating intervention needs.

For goodness sake if you do nothing else, please report her regarding the cats.
If she can't take care of her basic needs like hygiene she needs a social care assessment. Call your local council and they will do this assessment.

Sounds like you are back tracking now

This

Your first post doesn’t mention that she is so immobile that she can’t get into that bath. And everyone is haranguing her about her house?
She needs help!!!!

Do you think your MIL coukd have dementia?

Exactly what steps has your DH taken to sort out getting rid of the bath and having a walk in shower installed as well, need for hand rails etc?

Really you shouldn’t have let it get as bad as it has, but I would suggest approaching with a solution eg we’ll arrange a housekeeper/ visit on alternating days/ carers for personal care etc so it’s not just an attack. Sounds like she’s having a difficult time if she can’t get into a bathtub she likely has a painful condition to contend with as well as the possible mental health component so lots of empathy needed and no blame

Sounds like you are back tracking now

It does. But I hope you, or your husband, take some action to help them now.

Your OP was all about the meal, the 'pig sty of a house' the smell, and suggestions for how to tell her you wouldn't eat there. Illustrated with emojis. Not great really, OP.

@Frosty1000 and others

My PIL ended up in a house which was frankly dirty . I spoke to a friend of mine who works in the field and Social services are not always interested if it is is just a dirty house. DH paid £700 to get the place cleaned from top to bottom & the deal was they would come in once a week to keep on top of it , but he would not let them in.

It is hard to help people who do not want to be helped.

We ended up taking FIL out for meals as we did not want to cook in his kitchen.

It was a sad situation but FIL was a proud man and did not want anyone to think he was not coping. He had 3 children ( DH amongst them ) who tried to help but he would not let them) All tried , but sometimes it is hard.

One Christmas we went down to DFILs and took him out to a really nice restaurant / gastropub thing for a lovely Christmas lunch. I spent until 2 in the morning on Christmas Eve sorting out his kitchen / out of date stuff / cleaning etc - I could do this because he had fallen asleep in front of a film otherwise he would have told me off. Next time we went down it was just as bad.

Honestly you can offer some people all the help you can but if they won't take it you are pissing in the wind.

That said if animals are being mistreated I think that should be reported.

Just because the MIL can’t get into the bath it doesn’t mean she has dementia, I can’t get into a bath, I can’t sit down in one, haven’t had an actual bath for at least twenty years. Do I smell? No because I have. a shower every day.
Ideally Your MIL needs an assessment by social services and an occupational therapist to come in to assess her needs and a cleaner once a week but I doubt a cleaner would clean up the cats shit off the floor. The cleaners I know wouldn’t.

If she doesn't care she won't see it as a problem . Could you offer to do something like decorate a room as a birthday or christmas present.
She'll be overwhelmed but to do one room and then she might realise how bad the rest of it is.
Just tell her there no need to be confrontational or nasty just tell her no because of the cat shit everywhere .

Elderly people get very defensive and don’t see what’s going on around them and often won’t accept help. As she clearly likes your DH doing the cleaning, I would suggest a cleaner to come in at least once a week. Cat litter trays will smell, if not emptied and even cats won’t do their business there. With regards to bathing, if she doesn’t want to get involved with social services, she could get a private home carer in. You could call Age UK and they can give advice and may even visit your MIL, she may take advice from them. My own MIL used to work with them (was Age Concern then). They had a bathing team.