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Original poster

Hurt by sisters actions

49 replies

Whoevenami16 · 31/07/2022 03:05

My sister declined my sons wedding invitation.

my ds are the only children on my side. My eldest ds was due to get married two years ago but was postponed because of covid.
my sister is my best friend and we speak every day on the phone and she couldn’t tell me she has decided not to go. She is cross with my son for things that have happened in the past and decided she just didn’t want to put herself out and go.
she did not give a reason just chose the decline box on the online rsvp.
I can’t forgive her and don’t know how I can get past it. I feel betrayed and devastated. The wedding has been and gone.

she wants me to forgive her and be friends again. I just don’t see how

OP posts:
cantcomplainabouttheweather · 31/07/2022 03:21

What did your son do in the the past? No way of knowing if she is being unreasonable without knowing what he did?

cantcomplainabouttheweather · 31/07/2022 03:21

What did your son do in the the past? No way of knowing if she is being unreasonable without knowing what he did?

cantcomplainabouttheweather · 31/07/2022 03:22

What did your son do in the the past? No way of knowing if she is being unreasonable without knowing what he did?

britneyisfree · 31/07/2022 03:24

What did he do?

WeAreTheHeroes · 31/07/2022 03:25

It would help if you could give the back story. It's your son she's fallen out with, not you, though.

DaftyLass · 31/07/2022 03:33

Did he steal from her, or something sketchy like that?
Had they had any reconciliation before the wedding?

cantcomplainabouttheweather · 31/07/2022 03:34

What did your son do in the the past? No way of knowing if she is being unreasonable without knowing what he did?

SurpriseSurprise · 31/07/2022 03:39

It depends what he did

Teardroprain · 31/07/2022 03:53

I don't think it matters what he did. She did not want to go. She she should not have to do something she does not want to do. Her relationship with you is separate from her relationship with your son. You were in the wrong to fall out with her over it. Depending on what he did you should be encouraging your son to make amends to your sister.

Original poster
Whoevenami16 · 31/07/2022 04:01

my reaction to her not going was the same. Something must have happened so bad for her not wanting to go. But no. She has said there is not one specific incident. They don’t really see each other. She doesn’t feel like she has a relationship with him and has been hurt by his lack of communication with her over the years. But she is my best friend and I think she should have been there for me.

OP posts:
MarshaMelrose · 31/07/2022 04:02

She has a relationship with you and another with her nephew. Just because she's fallen out with him, doesn't mean you have to fall out with her. They're both adults. Leave them to sort themselves out and you enjoy your relationship with your sister.

WeAreTheHeroes · 31/07/2022 11:33

If she feels she doesn't have a relationship with him, is that down to him as an adult or down to you as his parent? What efforts has she made over the years that he hasn't reciprocated?

BongoJim · 31/07/2022 11:45

I'd also agree this isn't about you. It's about how she feels her relationship with your son is, not a reflection on her relationship with you. She's still your best friend. I think you need to separate your relationship with her from her relationship with your son and just move past this. She doesn't want to be there. I probably wouldn't want to be at the wedding of someone I don't really have a relationship with. What was the point of giving an option to decline if you're going to get offended at people using it? It's not like it's your wedding she declined to attend. Rather than being upset at your sister go to the source and look at why your son has not made enough effort with her to the point she now doesn't feel comfortable attending his wedding.

cantcomplainabouttheweather · 31/07/2022 11:54

Does your sister have children? I get the impression she is a childfree aunt for whatever reason and expected/wanted a close relationship with her nephew - that hasn't happened and she's thrown her toys out of the pram?

MrsPerfect12 · 31/07/2022 11:55

I'd be hurt too, she's family and as much your guest as his. It's shit.

cstaff · 31/07/2022 12:20

I agree op that even if she didn't have the best relationship with her nephew that she should have been there for her sister.

If there had been a major falling out with ds then maybe, but there wasn't. I would be very hurt by this also.

Catlover1970 · 31/07/2022 22:42

I Can see why you’re hurt but he must have really hurt her for her not to go. It’s her choice. It would be so sad for you and her if you fall out. Try and move on as her relationship with you is separate

PaganQueen · 01/08/2022 07:31

OP I understand totally why this hurts so much. I would be gutted too and I think if she really is your best friend she would know that her actions might not especially hurt your son but they would hurt you. I lt would make my relationship with my sister and best friend more distant too as I don’t think the trust would be there anymore.

Your sis has properly thrown her teddies out of the pram and made the day about her in your eyes rather than your son. Faint whiff of jealousy about it. For your own sake I would try and forgive her so that the day isn’t tinged with sadness in your memory but I would find it very hard to forget that she did something that she knew would cause so much upset.

So sorry she’s hurt you like this Flowers

CrystalCoco · 01/08/2022 07:40

I can absolutely see your point of view in being upset that your sister wasn't there for you, but I can also see your sister's point of view - she didn't want to be fake and turn up to celebrate a marriage of someone she doesn't get on with.

I always think it's a bit harsh when people say 'an invitation is not a summons' but tbh this is true. I would imagine your sister thought long and hard about her decision and the last thing she'd want to do is upset her beloved sister, but she just wasn't able to do this for you, she put herself first, which wasn't wrong of her, even if it hurt you.

In your OP you say she is your best friend, how lovely to have a sister who is also your best friend - you also say you can't forgive her or move past this, so you have a choice. Lose a sister and a best friend or find a way to hash it out and move past it, try to see it from her side too.

For what it's worth I don't like one of my sister's children but I'd still go to the wedding - I'd go for my sister. Your sister made a different choice, but she didn't do it primarily to upset you, it was about your son, not you.

Dozycuntlaters · 01/08/2022 07:46

You just have to separate your relationship with your sister from her relationship with your son. Just because people see family, it doesn't mean you have to be close or even like them.

There's not enough context in your OP to give a fully informed opinion. Weddings can cost guests a lot of money, location, hotel possibly, new outfit, gift etc etc. it can be a lot of expense especially if it's for someone you don't have a relationship with. I'm not close to my nephews, one of them treats my sister is a pretty shitty way and to be honest I'm not sure I would put myself out to attend his wedding. And that has nothing to do with my feelings and love for my sister, it's just how I feel about him.

You're way over thinking this.

Ourlady · 01/08/2022 10:07

I really don’t think I could forgive her for that especially as you two are so close. She couldn’t even put her feelings aside for one day for your sake. She sounds like a strange one! It would definitely affect my feelings towards her and I can totally understand why you feel so upset.

ClaryFairchild · 01/08/2022 10:47

No, I don't agree with "separate your relationship with her away from hers with your DS". If my sister had acted like that and didn't even have the decency to give me a decent explanation she would no longer be my "best friend" because neither sisters or best friends act like that!

'She' wants you to forgive and forget, well bully for her. I wouldn't. She didn't give a damn about you when she declined the invite. I would be civil but that's it.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 01/08/2022 15:44

Sorry, OP. I attach far less significance to weddings than many Mumsnetters, but still think this far from falls into the category of unforgivable. Guests can accept or decline to attend a wedding as they see fit; the fact that you've issued an invitation doesn't necessarily compel them to accept it. Obviously, had your sister ill-treated or deliberately ostracized your son I'd respond differently, but from what I can glean it simply sounds as though they don't have much of a relationship. It happens, Life sometimes has a habit of getting in the way.

Do you value your relationship with your sister? Is it really worth trashing it for this?

Haffiana · 01/08/2022 19:55

Meh. Maybe she felt betrayed and devastated by your son. Maybe you can't stop making it all about you and she feels that you should be there for her and support her decision. It all depends whose point of view you look at.

The bottom line is that she is your sister and you can choose to hold a grudge until the end of time if you want to, or not. It is up to you.

Original poster
Whoevenami16 · 03/08/2022 01:21

She doesn’t have children of her own.

my ds are the only children on my side. I am upset firstly because she didn’t tell me that she was declining the invite. I found out from my db after she had replied. The wedding had been postponed due to covid and she had replied that she was going to attend the first two dates. There wasn’t a huge reason behind her decision other than she was upset with the lack of effort from my ds over the years.
he is a bit rubbish at keeping in touch but no more so than most other young adults.

the wedding was last month.
we are a small family and I believe she should have been there for me regardless of how she felt about my son. I didn’t know there was an issue between them. we all live in England but different counties so don’t meet up regularly.

shes sad that I’m not forgiving and moving on but I honestly feel so hurt by what she’s done but I do know I need to forgive her for the sake of our family.

OP posts:
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