Hurt by sisters actions

[Whoevenami16]

My sister declined my sons wedding invitation.

my ds are the only children on my side. My eldest ds was due to get married two years ago but was postponed because of covid.
my sister is my best friend and we speak every day on the phone and she couldn’t tell me she has decided not to go. She is cross with my son for things that have happened in the past and decided she just didn’t want to put herself out and go.
she did not give a reason just chose the decline box on the online rsvp.
I can’t forgive her and don’t know how I can get past it. I feel betrayed and devastated. The wedding has been and gone.

she wants me to forgive her and be friends again. I just don’t see how

Unfortunately if it was your wedding she refused that would be different i think you are being completely self centred we have not attended hardly any family members weddings we have always had low or little contact and its not like they were close, is it really worth destroying your relationship over a wedding to a family member she has little to no contact with

Because it’s not ANY family member it’s MY son!

You don't need to forgive for the sake of family if she's so precious she wouldn't attend for the sake of you. Sounds like it's all about her and on her terms. Time to draw some boundaries. You possibly don't need to cut off but time not to indulge her. Your son is living his best life without her which falls short of her requirements. Do likewise, if something doesn't suit you let her tantrum. Draw right back.

Sorry I'm confused by "being there for you"? Surely you had a great day as it was your sons wedding - not a funeral or serious hospital appt? But given you're betrayed and devastated then yes I don't see how you can forgive and forget.

You might not want to hear this - but as you’ve posted on here for opinions… I think you are hugely over reacting.
I understand you feeling hurt, and it is very sad that 2 of the people important to you don’t get on but you are the one losing out if you can’t forgive her, and put it behind you.
She is sad now that you can’t forgive her (and maybe even regrets it?) but I suspect she didn’t realise this would be such a big issue to you and expected it to have blown over by now. She obviously knew you would want her to go - as presumably this is why she wasn’t brave enough to tell you in one of your daily phone calls that she wasn’t - but did you spell it out to her that it was VERY important to you? when she still had the chance to change her mind and come…

And actually - why was it such a big deal to you? Is it just missing the actual wedding day itself, or are you actually more hurt that maybe your sister just doesn’t really like your son?

either way, it seems a shame now that the day has gone to hold on to a grudge and lose the relationship with your sister - and best friend. You are both suffering now.
For your sake, not hers, I’d suggest trying to forgive her

I'm from a small family, mum and her brother are close but we don't really have a relationship beyond a family meet up every couple of years. My uncle didn't come to my wedding because he said he was busy. I really didn't mind as my most important people were there. It sounds like your son is similar.

I do understand how you are feeling. My niece got married, we are also a small family. I hardly know my niece as they live quite a bit away (different when she was young) however I went to the wedding to be there for my sister. My sister was very conscious about our small family in comparison to the grooms family and yes I wanted to show my support for our little family. It was a big effort, travel and accommodation wise and can’t say it was the best wedding ever but I was pleased we made the effort. It’s not great your sister didn’t make the effort although it’s entirely her choice. I doubt there are any issues between her and your son, she just didn’t fancy going to the wedding.

I would be so upset too, I would find it hard to move on as well. For those saying your sis didn't need to be there for you, it's not that you needed her exactly but it just is that way. Plus I bet loads of people asked where she was, so it was expected.
Have you asked your son has he ignored contact from his aunt? Or has she listed things? Was your son shocked at her invite decline? One more, has she shown regret at not going after seeing your reaction?

You are not responsible for your adult son's behaviour as perceived in her eyes or otherwise.
I agree with other posters that your relationship with your sister is a totally separate thing and for the sake of the relationship that existed between you and her, she should have been there to support you no matter her feelings about your DS.
I wonder, taking her extreme action, if there is not more to this. You say she doesn't have children so could it be deep, long held feelings of jealousy and resentment (and pain) which makes her unable to witness your happiness at the wedding of your child?
I think her non attendance goes much deeper (with her) than any perceived surface issues that she states as reasons.
And yes - i would be terribly hurt - it's a huge slap. The mark she left may fade but it will never fully disappear.
I'm so sorry this happened and I hope your DS's wedding was a joyous occasion nevertheless.

Thank you for your reply.
the wedding was 5 months ago. A really beautiful day but spoilt for me that my sister was not there.
my son was completely shocked that she didn’t attend. He doesn’t know why she declined the invite and doesn’t know what her issue is.
it has massively affected my relationship with my family. I am upset that my dm didn’t speak up and ask her to go for the sake of the rest of the family.
I honestly never imagined that our family would end up being torn apart. We were so incredibly close but I am honestly heartbroken. Not just that she didn’t attend but the way she has gone about it.
I wondered if she had a break down but she’s adamant that she’s fine. She’s an adult and she decided she wasn’t going to put herself out and attend a wedding when she has no relationship with my son were her words.
I have struggled all year to forgive that.
she has since not acknowledged the birth of my sons baby

Thank you
it was a fabulous day

This happened with the whole of my Dad's side at my wedding years ago, they couldn't be bothered showing up some didn't even RSVP. They remain unforgiven!

I remember when this thread was originally posted and am sorry to read this update. I'm glad your son had a wonderful wedding day but the family schism must be hard on you, especially when you've had no explanation as to what might be causing this rift.

Without knowledge of what might be driving it, your sister's behaviour is odd. Not attending the wedding is one thing, but having done so, not even to acknowledge the birth of your son's baby is very hurtful and a pointed snub. I'm not surprised you're upset.

For whatever reason, she's obviously harbouring a major dislike of your son. It's difficult to see how you can get past this.

Focusing on what's really happy about this thread, congratulations on your wonderful new grandchild

Wow

Your attitude would put me off

I gave the sister the benefit of the doubt when I first posted on this thread. Declining a wedding invitation isn't the end of the world to my mind, nor is it something worth causing irreparable family divides over. But what's happened since goes a lot further. OP's just had a grandchild, and apparently her sister doesn't see fit to acknowledge this either. If she was sincere, and wanted to be friends again having declined the wedding invitation, then this isn't exactly going the right way about it.

I don't know what the past events are that Sis is cross about, but these two events taken together - plus the fact that DM also responded in a non-committal manner - suggest a major issue somewhere. However, if she won't talk beyond 'I have no relationship with him', then sadly it seems the problem is insurmountable.

This isn't some random distant family member. It's the OPs son. It's the nephew of the offender. The only nephew. This is ridiculous. Of course the OP is upset. It's madness to reject the OPs son and expect to have a continued relationship with the OP. There isn't much more the offender could do to upset the OP than reject her child ffs.

Update
another year has gone by. I tried to forgive my sister and we met up last summer. She blames me for falling out with her. I blame her for acting the way she did declining the wedding invite.
She is incredibly stubborn and I am always the one to make peace. She never apologises ever.
I have spent the last year trying to rebuild a relationship with her. In return she has blocked me from social media.
my youngest ds has gone travelling for a year and she hasn’t been in touch with him. No message before he left etc.
my dp and I have just got engaged. I messaged photos and shared the news on our family WhatsApp and she hasn’t responded at all.
my family is still torn apart by this. My relationship with my dm and db have also been affected.

how do you forgive and move on. Or do I try and accept that our relationship is over.
I have truly missed her but I’m still so angry and hurt by all she has done and continues to do.

Would you accept this from a friend? No! Why should you accept it just because she's your sister? I would expect MORE from my sister because she is my sister, not in spite of it.

Her actions are what has split your family, not yours.

At this rate there will be another wedding that she doesn't attend, yours, and that will be because she's not wanted there.

she sounds very spiteful and jealous and if it isnt all about her she doesnt want to know. she created drama of refusing the invite to bring the attention back to her.

Does she have family of her own? Your son’s wedding and now parenthood could have stirred up feelings she couldn’t handle.

My mother no longer has a relationship with her sister (or my aunt with me) and the trigger was me getting into a long term relationship, now marriage. It changed the family dynamic and she couldn’t handle it. There are other issues but it all stems from her unhappiness and bitterness. It’s very sad. We had all been very close.

|If your other son gets married, I wouldn't even bother to invite her.

If you blame her and are unable to see her point of view, you will never be able to move on from this.

She doesn’t have a close relationship with your DC. It sounds like she is single and childless? Maybe she finds weddings difficult. I am single and childless and I find them so hard, they represent everything I wanted but haven’t had in life. A partner. Children. Every time one of my family or peers gets married it makes me feel left behind, my DNs are still babies/ children but I imagine it will be even harder when they are the ones marrying. A whole generation after me and yet they are achieving something I failed to do. Being single and childless makes me feel a failure and I can’t admit that to anybody in real life.

Prior to the wedding invite, when did your DS last see or contact your sister? You say you were close, how close? How often did you see and contact her? One of the things I find hard about my life is knowing I am not a priority for anybody, feeling like I’m only contacted for birthdays and Christmas and special events but nobody ever checks in on me day-to-day. You say she hasn’t been in touch with your youngest so, did he get in contact with her? It sounds like you are putting pressure on your sister to have a relationship with your DC that neither side is putting effort into but only blaming her.

It sounds like your sister feels unprioritised, uncared for and ignored day-to-day and I expect the wedding invite felt like a token gesture if there is no actual contact during everyday life. I don’t think it was wrong of her to decline the invite in those circumstances, especially if weddings are potentially a difficult event for her. You say she should have been there for you, how often are you there for her?

I'm going against the grain he doesn't bother with her, his past actions haven't been great. Why should she attend a wedding for someone who hasn't behaved very well. As people stated your relationship with her is seperate. The fact your DM and DB didn't get involved with her decision suggests they don't necessarily disagree. Did your precious son ring to wish her happy birthday? Wish her merry Christmas? If the answers no what else do you expect regardless of him being young he's old enough to get married and have a child, he can make an effort he chosen not to and in turn your sister reacted the same.

Has your sister got a DP/DH? It might, as others have suggested, that being the older generation now and seeing your DSs moving on with life when her opportunities maybe feel more limited, is just too much.

I would feel exactly as you do if my Dsis declined a wedding invitation from my DS for any other than an extremely good reason eg an operation/poor health. You just put yourself out for family. We had a wedding of our niece from my husband's side and the whole thing was a huge disruption, kids out of school, massive cost, sports competition missed, pet sitters etc - and we hardly know them as we live 450 miles away. However, there is no way we would have been so rude as to refuse the invitation of a close family member and expect no ongoing repercussions. Your DSis will now have to reap what she has sown. There may be a way back from this in the future if she acknowledges how hurtful she has been.