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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My husband has cheated what to I do?

32 replies

Christinatherabbit · 30/07/2022 18:05

Have posted in AIBU because for some reason I can't find a relationship advice section on the app?

For anyone that's found out their husband cheated. How long with the physical pain last? I feel like I can barely breath today and am not able to function and it's like I'm drowning constantly.
Monday afternoon found he had left his work phone at home. Ive Never ever done it before but some sort of gut feeling told me to read it. There was over 20 numbers with messages from him saying things like 'do you travel' 'are you awake' 'looking for fun' etc etc.
Felt like I had been hit by a train. Sent him screen shots and he instantly started calling (I didn't answer I couldn't speak) he left messages saying all that was were some stupid moments of madness while drunk to numbers he had found on websites and he was so so sorry nothing has ever happened it was all just pure fantasy and a turn on

I packed his stuff and told him I could not think straight so to leave me be for now. The next day I get home from a hospital appointment and the phone has mysteriously disappeared while I am out. Sent myself mad searching for two days. He insisted he hadn't been home but someone had brought the recycling in. 100% he took it but nothing else.
Then I had the thought to check his laptop. I guessed the password and threw up to see he had joined swingers sites, dating sites etc etc. It all goes back over 3 months. Then over the course of a week he was making plans to meet up with a woman (clearly a sex worker as money was discussed) The messages were truly awful and ended with them arranging to meet about a week later somewhere local to us. They message back and forth with him telling her how he can't wait and wishes Wednesday would come sooner. He talks about how he will pretend he's out running and that will be his excuse. It ends with two days before the 'meet' her Ghosting him and he trys to get replys but she ignores him. At this point he had already paid her £10 for photos and videos so I can only assume she wasn't going to meet him or possibly they moved the conversation onto WhatsApp or something who knows. I couldnt stop vomiting. So many others he had tried to engage with and a few messages back and forth turn to nothing. He swears it all been just a fantasy and he never would have met anyone but there was one night a few weeks back he went out for Cigarettes for over an hour at 3am (we'd been having drinks and apparently all the garages were closed so he had to walk across town) I frantically called over 20 times and txt him 6 times and finally he answers and says his phone was on silent but now I clearly see what must have happened. I am utterly heartbroken and feel like my whole world is upside down. He messages saying he will try marriage counselling, lie detector test (how bloody ridiculous) and is deverstated by how much he's hurt me. We have young children that are confused and I just don't know how to get through this. I can't stop going over and over and over all the screen shots (he's since deleted everything from his phone as I have the laptop here still) I am working out dates and times in my mind and just can't switch off. The shock is awful.
How to I process this I feel like the world has ended?

OP posts:
Tothemoonandbackx · 30/07/2022 18:08

Not to take away from all the awfulness that's is going on at the minute, but why are the children confused, please don't tell me you've said anything in front of them!?!?!?

Maybebabyno2 · 30/07/2022 18:12

I assume they are confused because suddenly their dad doesn't live with them.

Bananarama21 · 30/07/2022 18:14

He will never change op there's too many messages to suggest it's a one of he sounds like a prolific cheater who's been hiding under the radar for sometime.

Reallenow · 30/07/2022 18:16

Dump his sorry ass. Tell his family exactly why you are dumping his sorry ass so he doesn’t have time to lie to them. Go on benefit calculator, call cms and take every penny he owes and move on.

Bellyups · 30/07/2022 18:17

Just don’t believe a word he says. They all come out with the SAME bullshit lies and excuses.
He has clearly used prostitutes. Get an STD check. Gather all financial info (you may need it if you decide to divorce, and by then he may have hidden stuff).
Sorry op. I would never be able to get past this and forgive. It’ll eat you up, and he WILL do it again

MNHQ
LivMumsnet · 30/07/2022 18:22

Hi there, @Christinatherabbit - so sorry to hear that you're having a tough time. We've moved your thread over to Relationships now. Hope that helps a little. Flowers

Gonnagetacatwhenimovein · 30/07/2022 18:23

Honestly took me about 4 months to think straight again and felt like I was having a mental breakdown.
very similar to you, found out via messages.

so much happier now I’m not with him. My kids were 1 and 3 at the time. They are fine.
wishing you strength

Original poster
Christinatherabbit · 30/07/2022 18:26

They are confused because daddy suddenly isn't here. I told them on Monday he needed to go away for work and they were happy with that but as the days a going by its clear something is up. Its taking all my strength to be smiling, chatty, carry on like absolutely nothing is wrong and then shutting my self in the bathroom and weeping before washing my face with cold water and then smiling and joking and playing with them like I've not a care in the world when I am dying inside. That's probably the hardest part. I just want to curl up in bed. I don't know at what point to tell them and what to say. He asked once a few days ago if he could call and speak to them and of course I'm not going to stop that but at the time I physically couldn't speak or really comprehend what had happened. He hasn't asked to call them since although did txt this morning asking if they are okay and what are plans are for the day and if I would meet him tmrw for lunch!!!!!

OP posts:
Echobelly · 30/07/2022 18:27

What a horrible shock for you - please go easy in yourself and take one day at a time, I sure it will take a while to process, but you did the right thing getting him out ASAP. I'm a pretty forgiving person and sometimes couples can move beyond infidelity, but I don't think this is one of those times as he has clearly gone out of his ways to seek out sexual partners.

Original poster
Christinatherabbit · 30/07/2022 18:28

I have ordered an STI kit online yesterday that should be arriving next week. I feel like I'm in dream. And like I physically don't know what to do with myself 😩

OP posts:
Original poster
Christinatherabbit · 30/07/2022 18:29

Tothemoonandbackx · 30/07/2022 18:08

Not to take away from all the awfulness that's is going on at the minute, but why are the children confused, please don't tell me you've said anything in front of them!?!?!?

I am a good mother. I would never hurt them as long as I live. I will protect them from the truth at ALL costs and try to make this as painless as possible but that's why I am asking for advice. I don't know how to tell them or when or what I say?!

OP posts:
Sunshineandflipflops · 30/07/2022 18:30

You tell him not to come home, you get yourself an STI check and pray that’s it’s all
clear and you give your children all the love and support they need because fortunately they still have one parent who puts them first.

I had to do all of the above when I discovered my ex husbands affair and honestly? Almost 5 years later it still knocks me for six sometimes but our divorce is almost finalised and I am in a relationship with a man who I am enough for.

Our children don’t know the real reason we separated as that wasn’t for children to know but they have a great relationship with us both and they are great kids.

Sunshineandflipflops · 30/07/2022 18:32

I made my ex come round to tell the children with me. There was no way he was putting that on me. We sat them down and told them that we still love them more than anything but that we weren’t making each other happy anymore. They would still see us both loads and that we were friends.

I couldn’t stand the sight of him actually but they didn’t need to know that and they never saw us be anything but civil to each other.

Blue4YOU · 30/07/2022 18:34

He’s a prick. A grade A prick. I feel for you. You can’t live with a man like this who spends family money on sex workers and risks your health. Don’t believe he didn’t do it, of course he did

devildeepbluesea · 30/07/2022 18:41

He’s only devastated because he got caught.

Would you ever be able to respect him and find him attractive again, now you know what a grubby little perv he is?

Don’t let him worm his way back in. All you’d be doing is setting up an action replay.

Original poster
Christinatherabbit · 30/07/2022 18:50

There is no come back from this is there? I keep trying to find ways I could try and find a way through but there really isn't one and that's what's upsetting me the most today I think. I gave up work to support him through starting his buisness and l
Didnt see much of friends (just from being with the children and at home all the time) It was like he was all I had for the last 10 years really. Luckily i have some friends I have stayed in touch with and supported through their own problems over the last few years and have been able to reach out to and it's been lovely knowing they are still there. Thank you so much for all your replies so far. I just feel very very lonely right now 😞

OP posts:
Original poster
Christinatherabbit · 30/07/2022 18:51

LivMumsnet · 30/07/2022 18:22

Hi there, @Christinatherabbit - so sorry to hear that you're having a tough time. We've moved your thread over to Relationships now. Hope that helps a little. Flowers

Thank you so much

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 30/07/2022 18:54

I'm so sorry OP- there really are some total shits out there- it isn't that they don't like their wives/partners/family- it's that so many of them get a buzz in my opinion from secrecy and sleaze.

To be frank he's blown it and I would make sure people know why too . You would never trust him again and he doesn't deserve someone like you as a partner

Original poster
Christinatherabbit · 30/07/2022 18:56

Luckily its always really be me that has done EVERTHING with and for the children so I don't feel like his absence is impacting their life too much atm. To be honest he's always been quite selfish in lots of ways but so wonderful in many others so I've overlooked it. We were like best friends as well as husband and wife. He never wanted to go out with friends or to pubs or anything just always wanted to be with me so I got into a false sense of security I guess. He's never really helped with housework or similar and even when he was here he wouldn't participate greatly in the day to day running of the home so in that respect at least I am not finding its made my life harder.

OP posts:
UserError012345 · 30/07/2022 18:58

Gawd this is truly awful. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this.

Damage has been done - there is no going back.

You will be ok Flowers

pointythings · 30/07/2022 19:07

Make your first priority to look after yourself and your DC. Try to eat, try to sleep. What you do with regards to your marriage is 100% your choice - what he wants doesn't come into it at all. In your position he would be out the door, but you may wish to handle things differently and that is valid too.

Original poster
Christinatherabbit · 30/07/2022 19:22

Gonnagetacatwhenimovein · 30/07/2022 18:23

Honestly took me about 4 months to think straight again and felt like I was having a mental breakdown.
very similar to you, found out via messages.

so much happier now I’m not with him. My kids were 1 and 3 at the time. They are fine.
wishing you strength

I'm so sorry you went through the same. It's lovely to read there will come a time the shock and pain will stop. Thank you so much for sharing ❤

OP posts:
TacCat49 · 30/07/2022 19:31

Have you got a copy of the messages? He deleted the ones on the phone and is sneaking around trying to cover his tracks. He thinks if the messages are deleted then it didn't happen and you have no proof. The slimey little worm.

WaveyHair · 30/07/2022 19:52

Get some control back. It has been a huge shock and betrayal and right now you probably feel out of control.

  1. get some counselling and talk it through with someone neutral
  2. get yourself an STI check
  3. give it a week until you speak to him again - you will have to at some point but do it on your terms, ideally somewhere neutral. Be clear what you need to know from him and what the next steps are.
  4. Have a plan re DC. Do you have any family who can visit (or you visit) and help/distract with the DC?
  5. he needs to call the DC and make sure they are OK for now.
Original poster
Christinatherabbit · 30/07/2022 20:00

I took screen shots of most of it thank god. Not thinking when I saw the first main conversation I alerted him so who knows what he may have had time to delete then. I'm so annoyed with myself. I know its only torturing me by trying to dig and dig but I just need some sort of actual proof he met someone. I had the ideas to log into the sites with his email. They then sent me links to make new passwords so I could access them. There were no messages in any of the dating/swingers sites and some he'd never actually activated. But I feel like I am never going to get the bottom of what has really happened or to what extent or for how long so I will just so round and round and round. Even now I am wondering if he's going to be at it tonight. Not that it matters anymore but still a horrible thought

OP posts: