My husband has cheated what to I do?

[Christinatherabbit]

Have posted in AIBU because for some reason I can't find a relationship advice section on the app?

For anyone that's found out their husband cheated. How long with the physical pain last? I feel like I can barely breath today and am not able to function and it's like I'm drowning constantly.
Monday afternoon found he had left his work phone at home. Ive Never ever done it before but some sort of gut feeling told me to read it. There was over 20 numbers with messages from him saying things like 'do you travel' 'are you awake' 'looking for fun' etc etc.
Felt like I had been hit by a train. Sent him screen shots and he instantly started calling (I didn't answer I couldn't speak) he left messages saying all that was were some stupid moments of madness while drunk to numbers he had found on websites and he was so so sorry nothing has ever happened it was all just pure fantasy and a turn on

I packed his stuff and told him I could not think straight so to leave me be for now. The next day I get home from a hospital appointment and the phone has mysteriously disappeared while I am out. Sent myself mad searching for two days. He insisted he hadn't been home but someone had brought the recycling in. 100% he took it but nothing else.
Then I had the thought to check his laptop. I guessed the password and threw up to see he had joined swingers sites, dating sites etc etc. It all goes back over 3 months. Then over the course of a week he was making plans to meet up with a woman (clearly a sex worker as money was discussed) The messages were truly awful and ended with them arranging to meet about a week later somewhere local to us. They message back and forth with him telling her how he can't wait and wishes Wednesday would come sooner. He talks about how he will pretend he's out running and that will be his excuse. It ends with two days before the 'meet' her Ghosting him and he trys to get replys but she ignores him. At this point he had already paid her £10 for photos and videos so I can only assume she wasn't going to meet him or possibly they moved the conversation onto WhatsApp or something who knows. I couldnt stop vomiting. So many others he had tried to engage with and a few messages back and forth turn to nothing. He swears it all been just a fantasy and he never would have met anyone but there was one night a few weeks back he went out for Cigarettes for over an hour at 3am (we'd been having drinks and apparently all the garages were closed so he had to walk across town) I frantically called over 20 times and txt him 6 times and finally he answers and says his phone was on silent but now I clearly see what must have happened. I am utterly heartbroken and feel like my whole world is upside down. He messages saying he will try marriage counselling, lie detector test (how bloody ridiculous) and is deverstated by how much he's hurt me. We have young children that are confused and I just don't know how to get through this. I can't stop going over and over and over all the screen shots (he's since deleted everything from his phone as I have the laptop here still) I am working out dates and times in my mind and just can't switch off. The shock is awful.
How to I process this I feel like the world has ended?

Thank you so much. Its hard when you still desperately love someone and want to believe so badly the best case scenario when common sense tells me exactly what's happened. We were so close and have been through so much together and he was my rock through postnatal depression and a horrific late miscarriage I just can't accept this is the same person that has hurt me so badly its blown my mind! I've ordered a Chinese for me and the kids and they are setting up a board game for us to play. They are beautiful darling girls. What a pity he will now lose out on so much with them too 😢

Thank you so much for sharing. Its really making me feel less alone. You sound very brave and a wonderful mother

You poor thing, I'm so sorry.

You are struggling (understandably) to hold yourself together while also being upbeat for the kids.

How old roughly are they? I wonder if you could tell them mummy is ok but feels poorly so she needs to have a rest and can they help her by all having a lounge sleepover tonight and watch a movie together? Get them to bring their duvets and pillows downstairs?

Hopefully it will distract them a bit and mean you can have some cuddles with them without having to be super chirpy and 'on'.

This is all really good advice thank you!!! The next times he asks to I will 100% be letting them speak to him and have no plans to stop him seeing them whenever he wants to. I think why I couldn't the other day was because of the questions they would inevitably ask him when they did and I wanted to make sure we saying the same things but just couldn't face speaking communicating with him at the time. They have only asked a couple of times earlier in the week and accepted my answer and haven't asked again since but it must be a bit confusing. I have tried to keep us busy and our days full with extra fun things so they are quite distracted for now. Appreciate the reply

You will get over this.
Very similar happened to me. Actually, he admitted it in the middle of a breakdown. He was very mentally ill and I looked after him after his confession.
As time went by, I realised that I could never have sex with him again.
He left. I'm fine.
At the moment you are deep in shock.
I couldn't eat, sleep or function properly.
But I slowly came to terms with it. I didn't want a man like that in my life.
The thought of him now turns my stomach.
Wishing you well. You will be fine in time.

The youngest are 6 and 8 but I have an older 16yr old daughter who has been a rock and amazing! I haven't told her the exact details because I don't want to spoil their relationship but just a small idea that I have come across some emails that have upset me but obviously not shared what they were. She is incredibly mature for her age but is still a child really and I will never have her feel she has to support me, that's my job to her. I am also aware these girls need me to set a standard they may end up following and can't let them ever seen me treated a way I'd want them to accept. We are all so close and she really adored her step father so I have to be very careful when navigating that too. Even her father has send his moral support and was a nasassitic abusive shit himself!
We are going to all snuggle up a watch a funny film shortly. If it gets to much over the next few weeks that's a good idea to say I'm feeling a bit under the weather thank you!

You and your girls sound absolutely lovely OP.

A good way of letting your older daughter help without her having to carry the emotional load, or know too many details that are for adults, is to just say you have a bad headache / poorly tummy etc and that it would be amazing if she could be a star this weekend and help a bit more than normal with her sisters, telling her that you'll do something nice the two of you soon to say thank you?