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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My ex got married today,I'm gutted...how do I get over it?

34 replies

justclosethatdoor · 30/07/2022 15:51

We split 2 years ago nearly.
She was a narcissist,the relationship ended bad and we continued speaking but she was awful to me,making me jealous ,talking to multiple women (when we were together)
Constantly talking about how gorgeous she was and everyone wanted her-I felt so insecure and never good enough.
She did some awful things to me-spoke to me awful at the end,gaslighted me...but all I can think of is the good times.
She met someone and proposed 7 months later and 6 months later (today ) is their wedding day.
I honestly feel sick
She put me through hell and treated me like scum (and many other women who she was messing with ) and now gets her happy ever after in 1 1/2 years.
I feel so so sad and worthless today
Why wasn't I good enough
Why did she treat me so awful
I wish I had been enough
I'm sat here wishing I was the bride

OP posts:
Motnight · 30/07/2022 15:56

If she's as awful as you say she is, she's never going to get her happy ever after and neither is her partner.

Be happy that you have escaped.

justclosethatdoor · 30/07/2022 15:59

I'm assuming she's changed as she realises how awful she was treating girls
She's also just turned 40 so has settled down now I'm assuming

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 30/07/2022 16:02

It wasn't you that wasn't good enough. It's her. She never deserved you and fate stepped in and stopped you staying with someone who could never make you happy.

It's better to be alone than with someone who makes you miserable.

BlanketsBanned · 30/07/2022 16:03

You had a lucky escape, she abused you emotionally and messed with your head. You are worth so much more, hold your head high and be thankful that you didnt end up married to someone who treats people so badly, her marriage wont last . How do you know she got married, you split 2 years ago and you need to get her completely out of your life and you will find someone much nicer who will love you for who you are, she treated you and other women badly because she is weak, controlling, insecure and needed constant admiration to make herself feel good.

Seaoftroubles · 30/07/2022 16:04

She won't have changed. If she is a narcissist then she is incapable of real change. Every day congratulate yourself that you are free of her. Don't look at her social media, block her on everything and move forward with your life. You had a lucky escape!

sonjadog · 30/07/2022 16:04

Someone aged 40 doesn't suddenly turn into a completely different person. She is still exactly the same person she was with you, and she has rushed into a wedding with someone else before they have a chance to find out what she is really like. The relationship won't be a happy ever after.

riserved · 30/07/2022 16:05

How long were you together OP?

justclosethatdoor · 30/07/2022 16:13

I have her friends on my social media and she has mine.
So I've seen on Snapchat /Facebook etc

OP posts:
Orgasmagorical · 30/07/2022 16:14

Those good times you keep thinking of? They were a sham. She manipulated you into thinking they were good times but she was acting a part to keep you hooked. The abuse was the real her.

She won't have changed. The new partner will have already experienced so many of the feelings you did when you were with her. Now that they are married her life will go even further downhill. It certainly won't be happy ever after for either of them, no matter what your ex will portray.

You have had a very lucky escape. I agree that you should do whatever you can to avoid knowing anything that is going on in her life, it will do you no good whatsoever Flowers

BlanketsBanned · 30/07/2022 16:17

I would stop looking at her friends social media and cut all contact.

justclosethatdoor · 30/07/2022 16:44

Why do I feel so sad?
She treated me so crap ..so why is there so much sadness?

OP posts:
layladomino · 30/07/2022 17:01

It's perfectly natural to feel as you feel. It doesn't mean you were right for each other. It doesn't mean she was a good partner.

She treated you dreadfully and the only right outcome of that was not being with her.

There is a very small chance she's seen the error of her ways and is a different person now. There is a much bigger chance that she is still the same person and (if she isn't already) will make her OH miserable in time.

Either way, the way your relationship ended, the way she treated you, is all on her. It wasn't your fault. You weren't to blame for her awful treatment. It was 100% on her.

So allow yourself to feel sad, but remind yourself that you are grieving for something that didn't exist, and then celebrate that you are away from that now and are free from her abuse, gas lighting and awful treatment.

justclosethatdoor · 30/07/2022 17:20

I think I've got a shock how quick it's happened.
She was this woman who slept around,head wrecker,gaslighter etc
Now she's jumped into a marriage and married after 6 month engagement
I expected them to be engaged a while
I just miss her and how it was.
I feel sad and don't know how to feel better

OP posts:
SquirrelSoShiny · 30/07/2022 17:39

The good times were an illusion - her wearing her best mask. Lick your wounds then move on. In time you'll be so grateful you escaped her and pity her wife.

Living well is the best revenge Flowers

justclosethatdoor · 30/07/2022 17:45

Do you think she's changed?
She told me by 40 she would settle down and this year was her 40th so she's stuck to her word.

OP posts:
justclosethatdoor · 30/07/2022 17:45

I put myself through all that upset for nothing
Absolutely nothing
For her just to marry someone else

OP posts:
justclosethatdoor · 30/07/2022 18:18

Sorry for that rambling ha ha

OP posts:
sonjadog · 30/07/2022 20:03

If anything, what she said to you about settling down in her 40th year just shows that she hasn't changed. Life isn't neat like that. You don't just meet the right person for you at the exact time you order them. She has married someone who she has had a short term relationship with to fulfill a goal, not because their relationship is great. That is not a recipe for happiness ever after.

CheekyHobson · 30/07/2022 20:12

Not sure if it will help, but quick marriages are really characteristic when one partner is abusive. They start with a phase of "love-bombing", where the abusive person idealises a new partner, starts copying all their interests and mannerisms, making big promises etc so that the impression that they are "soul mates" is created, and the relationship is fast-forwarded into marriage, home-ownership etc before the couple has truly got to know each other.

However if the abusive person has not done not done any work on themselves (by which I mean a sustained period of therapy or self-reflection and journalling, understanding themselves and their contributions to previous relationship failures) then they will not have actually changed. They've just impulsively thrown themselves into a new relationship that looks great from the outside but is likely to be a very different story on the inside before too long.

If your ex really is narcissistic, her life will generally look great to the casual/distant observer because narcissists are highly invested in having everyone believe their lives are perfect. Of course, this impression is only created because the narcissist shamelessly lies about how they really behave and engages in impression-management to make everyone believe their lives are just fine.

Everyone sees the happy Snapchat shots of the big day, but if there's a nasty fight in the hotel room after the wedding when your ex tears strips off her new bride because she "drank too much and embarrassed her" and she "can't believe after all the money she spent on the wedding her wife is begging off sex because she's apparently too tired" then you won't see that on Snapchat, will you?

Often narcissists partners go along with the "everything's fine" act, because even though they're being treated badly, they are telling themselves that the narcissist only treats them badly because they somehow deserved it (even though the faults that the narcissist is telling them they have are usually completely made up - more shameless lies), or that the narcissist has had a very hard life and their behaviour 'isn't really their fault' so they're trying to protect them from the harsh judgement they would get if people really knew what they were really like.

It's only when you have been on the inside of a relationship with them that you know that the "happy families" impression is all smoke and mirrors, and not a genuinely great relationship.

Honestly, go to therapy. It will help you sort your head out. You are still stuck in believing that the way she treated you was due to some fault or failing on your part. It's not - I can say that without knowing one thing about you. It may be hard to get your head around, but the way others treat you isn't about you, it's about THEM. A decent person will always treat other people with decency, or disengage with them decently. If your ex didn't treat you with basic respect, then that's about her lack of decency, not your lack of worth. Your part is to learn to see when someone is not treating you with basic respect and refuse to accept it.

You say you put yourself through all that for nothing, but it doesn't have to be for nothing. It can be a trigger for you to learn to see and fix the mistaken ideas you currently have about what a good and healthy relationship is, and learn your own self-worth.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 30/07/2022 20:14

girlmom21 · 30/07/2022 16:02

It wasn't you that wasn't good enough. It's her. She never deserved you and fate stepped in and stopped you staying with someone who could never make you happy.

It's better to be alone than with someone who makes you miserable.

Yes this. OP you might not see it but you've had a lucky escape.

londonlass71 · 31/07/2022 00:08

OP I am sorry you are going through this. But the reality is if you were with someone you were really into, you wouldn't give a shit about your ex getting married. It's only because tou haven't found someone. You will though.

fedup078 · 31/07/2022 07:42

She won't have changed and her marriage will blow up in her face
Remove her from all your social media . Out of sight out of mind.

user1471538283 · 31/07/2022 10:25

I get it OP but she hasnt got her happy ending because she is incapable of it. It just look that way.

You need to focus on you. I would remove her from social media. Focus all these thoughts and time on you.

justclosethatdoor · 31/07/2022 14:21

It's awful to say but I hope karma catches up with her
I hate feeling like this
She literally ripped my heart out and didn't even care a bit

OP posts:
pastypam · 31/07/2022 15:24

I think this is a case of it feeling like unfinished business for you because you never got your closure, which would probably come in the form of an apology. I had this for ages with a previous ex when I first got together with my now DH. I genuinely thought I still loved my ex dispute how vile he was. Turns out, I wanted an apology and for him to admit he fucked up... I got that. My feelings dried right up and I feel nothing.... still to this day he tries to reach out. And I don't entertain it at all. But sometimes people don't, but that's a reflection of them not you. Be happy in knowing she's probably learnt nothing and will treat this next person exactly the same, difference being, their bound together now. Sucks to be them....